I don't know what to do

[jillloveschocolate]

Hi there!  I'm writing this because I am so unhappy in my marriage like so many people.  I started dating my husband when I was 18 and he was 20.  To be honest, our relationship has always been turbulent; some good times, but a lot of bitter, angry moments.  Well, at least on my part.  Some background history; I've been married to this person for 23 years this year.  I look back and am surprised that I have stayed this long.  But something keeps me from making that final step and getting out.  Sometimes, I think my reasons are petty and that I'm lacking substance, but other times, I think 'This cannot be the rest of my life!'  I won't bore you with all the details.  But I've been disappointed in my husband's lack of participation in our lives.  When our first daughter was born, he did not attend appointments or ultrasounds.  He was busy working, but still.  I brushed it off.  She was born and when she was exactly one week old, he decided that he was going to go ice fishing with a friend of his for a long weekend.  I was devastated.  I was very sore from the birth, and I did cry, I admit and I didn't want him to go.  He didn't care.  I packed up and went to my parents for the weekend.  I should have stayed there.  He was really uninvolved with any of his daughters from birth up until 10-11 years old.  Anyway, I did get pregnant when my eldest was five months old and I accept full responsibility.  He was fine, but she was a fussy baby and he refused to get up and help feed her.  I went on probably 2-3 hours of sleep a night for months!  Plus, I had another child that wasn't even 1.5 years old.  I remember getting up and packing her in the car and going to the nearest town and driving around for hours trying to get her to relax and sleep.  The absolute fury I felt when i was doing this as he was lying comfortable in bed sleeping is staggering. Throughout this time, my dh was going up north moose hunting and heading down south for golfing, often for 7-10 days at a time.  When I got pregnant for our last, he was angry with me.  I was taking birth control and used a condom but it still happened.  He wouldn't speak to me for a month, like it was my fault.  She was a planned C-section and when I told him the date, he was angry with me because he was busy that day even though he knew I couldn't wait any longer.  He went up though, made us late (I think on purpose) and she arrived as planned.  He went home and of course, I had to stay at the hospital.  He was supposed to come and see us and he decided he was too tired and went to his uncles for a few beers.  The other two were at their grandparents.  Heaven forbid he cares for his own kids.I remember sitting in the hospital, crying my eyes out, all alone.  It still makes me tear up when I think about it.  She was an easy baby, and I had learned not to ask for help from him.  At Christmas, he was actually holding her and i quipped 'Let me get a picture!  It's the first time XX's held her since she was born!'.  His relatives looked at me funny but it was the damn truth!! So, life goes on.  I'm working full time, taking care of the kids, running them to daycare, picking them up from daycare.  Even in the winter, when he wasn't working, I had to do EVERYTHING while he hung out with friends and had fun!  Many more trips for him and so much fun!  I am so very bitter and resentful.  You'd think we were having sex all the time because of how close our kids were in age.  But no.  He wasn't big on sex, or kissing or hugging or anything really.  I don't remember any good times and that is the truth!  All i remember are the disappointments and how I felt.  I met up with an old friend and went to a casino with him just for fun while my husband was on one of his 'golf' trips (He went on a lot of them even though he doesn't really like golfing!).  DH found out and was reading me the riot act, even though it was purely platonic and I was more angry than anything that he dare ream me out!  He was never here!  I was lonely!!  I wanted love and affection, but never received it.  He just says he's just not affectionate that way.  Ya, he's not affectionate any way.  So things were a bit better from there but eventually, he slides back into his old s*** and now I'm counting down the days.  My bitterness and resentfulness are ruining my life!  But I don't think I can overcome it.  I've been a complete miserable, sarcastic b**** because I just simply don't care what he thinks or does.  I can't help myself.  I can't stand the way he refuses to figure stuff out, especially when it comes to tech.  So now I am also his secretary for our business, even though I have a full time job of my own.  I look at the things he's bought for himself, trucks, workshop, new sleds every 3 years, quads, whatever he wants and I find my list is lacking.  I really have nothing except for my kids!  He likes to spend money on himself and pretty much nobody else.  Recently though, I find I'm getting more annoyed with him because he does not listen!  I don't mind going out and having a few drinks with friends.  He goes out at least 2 times a week to hang with his buddies.  Fine.  But decided he needed a boat.  Like a big boat.  I was very upfront with him and I told him that's fine if you think you need one. BUT I am telling you...I'm not sitting down at the slip until the wee hours of the morning while you drink and party like a teenager.  I also don't plan on spending every weekend there either.  I just don't find sitting around getting s*** faced that much fun anymore.  Don't get me wrong...i like fishing and parking the boat out in the water and having a BBQ.  I'm not a complete s***.  I just don't want to sit there because it's boring AF.  I usually have to drive home as well, so my limit is usually 2.  I've reminded him of this many times and he pretends like he doesn't hear me at all.  I'll say 'The weather is really crappy.  I don't want to go and sit there in the rain.  And we won't be taking the boat out, sooo' But he just ignores me and goes babbling on about getting hamburgers and drinks and what time we're leaving, etc.  If I tell him that I'm not going because I already made plans, he flaps his arms and pouts like a friggin' infant. I just can't anymore.  I do not like the same things as him.  I do not want to go out and get hammered every bloody weekend.  I feel like crying right now.  I've explained to him how I feel and he just does not listen to me.  Are these reasons too petty?  Not to mention...he's not a big fan of sex.  I think we've actually done that 3 times in the last 6 years.  It used to bug me and now, I don't even want him touching me.  What do I do?  I don't think it will work out and either I'll stay and be miserable the rest of my life or leave.  The kids are almost ready to be on their own; all have finished high school. There are so many other reasons....this is the tip of the iceberg.  

[mark clemson]

You certainly don't sound happy. Sounds like you have drifted apart over the years. Lots of frustration and resentment.

An unhappy person in a marriage has four main options:

(a) attempt to work on the marriage, for example via counseling

(b) separate and/or divorce

(c) cheat/EMR (not recommended)

(d) do nothing and/or look for other ways to make yourself happy.

(e) I guess a 5th one is remain in a marriage of convenience but openly pursue EMRs e.g. with a don't ask/don't tell policy (also not recommended, although it works for some folks apparently).

I don't have a specific recommendation, but those are probably the main options you could pick from. Ultimately contentment comes from with in, but severe ongoing frustrations and other issues can, of course, make contentment a lot harder to attain for those of us who aren't yogis/Buddhist monks and so forth.

So, pick your poison I suppose. Truly unhappy marital situations don't really have easy solutions.

Edited June 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, jillloveschocolate said:

 I've been married to this person for 23 years this year.  I am also his secretary for our business, even though I have a full time job of my own.   I don't think it will work out and either I'll stay and be miserable the rest of my life or leave.

Sorry this is happening. Your two best friends right now are an attorney and a therapist.

Privately and confidentially speak to an attorney about your options in divorce.

Also consult a therapist to sort out and unpack all this hurt and resentment and help navigate through the divorce.

 Never threaten divorce. Do not tell him you are speaking to an attorney or a therapist.

Get your ducks in a row and prepare. Be cool calm and collected. Act the same.

Going on and on about hurts when your  kids were born decades ago is not helping you. 

Stick with what a lousy husband and alcoholic his is right now .

[Caauug]

11 hours ago, jillloveschocolate said:

When our first daughter was born, he did not attend appointments or ultrasounds.  He was busy working, but still.  I brushed it off. 

No you didn't. You kept your mouth shut and remembered every little thing he did do or didn't do. Now all these years later you have so much resentment there is next to no way to move past it. 

People treat us the way we let them treat us. You let him away with everything he has done, time and time again, year after year and now it is all his fault??? Yes, the first time you can blame him, not anytime after that. 

It sounds like a lot of hurt and anger that ends up being hate that you feel for him. Time to make plans to leave and start again.

[Dis]

Wow. This is awful and he sounds like a terrible husband

 

I think there's way too much built up resentment to salvage things

 

And no, you are NOT being petty. Not in the slightest. I would've left a long time ago if I were in your shoes. 

 

Get a divorce. You'll be happier on your own and with the possibility of finding someone who's better suited for you 

[HappilyMarried]

Sorry you are going through this @jillloveschocolateI would talk to a attorney and not say anything else to your husband and if you can swing it on your own set up to be ready to get your own checking account and split everything 50/50 and the day you have him served move half of your money into to your own checking account. However find you a good attorney and follow their advice. Best of luck!

[elaine567]

I am sure he thinks he has a wonderful marriage, he has a wife who has taken care of everything and let him go hunting fishing and shooting AND playing golf AND hanging out with his buddies whenever he likes and she takes care of everything at home. 
She even also manages his business...

He buys the big boys toys and you scrimp away. 
He is a big kid with a drinking problem and you are his Mom.

He was no doubt a sh^t husband at 20 and you proceeded to have 3 kids with him, trapping yourself in the process...
Get yourself a divorce and save yourself another few decades of seething anger until your health suffers and you die a sad and bitter woman.

 

[BaileyB]

What does it say when your resentment goes back to your first pregnancy - 20 some years ago...

Jillloveschocolate (love the name, BTW), you have written a wall of text, quite literally recounting almost every disappointment during your 20 year marriage... That tells me that you have felt unheard for the past 20 years. And as a result, you carry 20 years worth of disappointment and frustration. That’s very sad. 

Stay, and you know what you will get - a husband who is not invested in your marriage. You will be living your own life while he is out fishing and living his own life. If you want something more than that, you will need to make a different decision. 

[Lola]

Sorry to hear. It sounds like you don’t need him, you are doing everything by yourself anyway. How old are your children? I came from a family like that. My mum doing everything and being abused in silence, she never complained about anything but I’m sure she cried when she was alone. We saw our parents hugging ones per year and it was New year’s time. More than that no affection at all. I have a low-steem problem even if they told me how beautiful and smart I was. Now in my relations I am submissive and jealous person. I wish my mum would had left my father long time ago. But the situation was different and my mum didn’t have job. I wish my mum had all the happiness she deserves. But your situation is different and you have a full time job. You have to be your priority. You need to get help. You should go to a therapy with a psychologist who help you and show the ways to put yourself first and love you so much that you realise you don’t deserve that life and you are worthy. It isn’t easy you have to be brave but honestly I think your husband won’t change. I hope you children support you and you find the way to start a new life. My mum is the most important in my life, she is almost 70yo but it isn’t never too late to start again and have peace in your life. 

Ps I’m sorry if I have mistakes. English isn’t my first language

[Daisydooks]

On 6/4/2021 at 12:11 PM, jillloveschocolate said:

Hi there!  I'm writing this because I am so unhappy in my marriage like so many people.  I started dating my husband when I was 18 and he was 20.  To be honest, our relationship has always been turbulent; some good times, but a lot of bitter, angry moments.  Well, at least on my part.  Some background history; I've been married to this person for 23 years this year.  I look back and am surprised that I have stayed this long.  But something keeps me from making that final step and getting out.  Sometimes, I think my reasons are petty and that I'm lacking substance, but other times, I think 'This cannot be the rest of my life!'  I won't bore you with all the details.  But I've been disappointed in my husband's lack of participation in our lives.  When our first daughter was born, he did not attend appointments or ultrasounds.  He was busy working, but still.  I brushed it off.  She was born and when she was exactly one week old, he decided that he was going to go ice fishing with a friend of his for a long weekend.  I was devastated.  I was very sore from the birth, and I did cry, I admit and I didn't want him to go.  He didn't care.  I packed up and went to my parents for the weekend.  I should have stayed there.  He was really uninvolved with any of his daughters from birth up until 10-11 years old.  Anyway, I did get pregnant when my eldest was five months old and I accept full responsibility.  He was fine, but she was a fussy baby and he refused to get up and help feed her.  I went on probably 2-3 hours of sleep a night for months!  Plus, I had another child that wasn't even 1.5 years old.  I remember getting up and packing her in the car and going to the nearest town and driving around for hours trying to get her to relax and sleep.  The absolute fury I felt when i was doing this as he was lying comfortable in bed sleeping is staggering. Throughout this time, my dh was going up north moose hunting and heading down south for golfing, often for 7-10 days at a time.  When I got pregnant for our last, he was angry with me.  I was taking birth control and used a condom but it still happened.  He wouldn't speak to me for a month, like it was my fault.  She was a planned C-section and when I told him the date, he was angry with me because he was busy that day even though he knew I couldn't wait any longer.  He went up though, made us late (I think on purpose) and she arrived as planned.  He went home and of course, I had to stay at the hospital.  He was supposed to come and see us and he decided he was too tired and went to his uncles for a few beers.  The other two were at their grandparents.  Heaven forbid he cares for his own kids.I remember sitting in the hospital, crying my eyes out, all alone.  It still makes me tear up when I think about it.  She was an easy baby, and I had learned not to ask for help from him.  At Christmas, he was actually holding her and i quipped 'Let me get a picture!  It's the first time XX's held her since she was born!'.  His relatives looked at me funny but it was the damn truth!! So, life goes on.  I'm working full time, taking care of the kids, running them to daycare, picking them up from daycare.  Even in the winter, when he wasn't working, I had to do EVERYTHING while he hung out with friends and had fun!  Many more trips for him and so much fun!  I am so very bitter and resentful.  You'd think we were having sex all the time because of how close our kids were in age.  But no.  He wasn't big on sex, or kissing or hugging or anything really.  I don't remember any good times and that is the truth!  All i remember are the disappointments and how I felt.  I met up with an old friend and went to a casino with him just for fun while my husband was on one of his 'golf' trips (He went on a lot of them even though he doesn't really like golfing!).  DH found out and was reading me the riot act, even though it was purely platonic and I was more angry than anything that he dare ream me out!  He was never here!  I was lonely!!  I wanted love and affection, but never received it.  He just says he's just not affectionate that way.  Ya, he's not affectionate any way.  So things were a bit better from there but eventually, he slides back into his old s*** and now I'm counting down the days.  My bitterness and resentfulness are ruining my life!  But I don't think I can overcome it.  I've been a complete miserable, sarcastic b**** because I just simply don't care what he thinks or does.  I can't help myself.  I can't stand the way he refuses to figure stuff out, especially when it comes to tech.  So now I am also his secretary for our business, even though I have a full time job of my own.  I look at the things he's bought for himself, trucks, workshop, new sleds every 3 years, quads, whatever he wants and I find my list is lacking.  I really have nothing except for my kids!  He likes to spend money on himself and pretty much nobody else.  Recently though, I find I'm getting more annoyed with him because he does not listen!  I don't mind going out and having a few drinks with friends.  He goes out at least 2 times a week to hang with his buddies.  Fine.  But decided he needed a boat.  Like a big boat.  I was very upfront with him and I told him that's fine if you think you need one. BUT I am telling you...I'm not sitting down at the slip until the wee hours of the morning while you drink and party like a teenager.  I also don't plan on spending every weekend there either.  I just don't find sitting around getting s*** faced that much fun anymore.  Don't get me wrong...i like fishing and parking the boat out in the water and having a BBQ.  I'm not a complete s***.  I just don't want to sit there because it's boring AF.  I usually have to drive home as well, so my limit is usually 2.  I've reminded him of this many times and he pretends like he doesn't hear me at all.  I'll say 'The weather is really crappy.  I don't want to go and sit there in the rain.  And we won't be taking the boat out, sooo' But he just ignores me and goes babbling on about getting hamburgers and drinks and what time we're leaving, etc.  If I tell him that I'm not going because I already made plans, he flaps his arms and pouts like a friggin' infant. I just can't anymore.  I do not like the same things as him.  I do not want to go out and get hammered every bloody weekend.  I feel like crying right now.  I've explained to him how I feel and he just does not listen to me.  Are these reasons too petty?  Not to mention...he's not a big fan of sex.  I think we've actually done that 3 times in the last 6 years.  It used to bug me and now, I don't even want him touching me.  What do I do?  I don't think it will work out and either I'll stay and be miserable the rest of my life or leave.  The kids are almost ready to be on their own; all have finished high school. There are so many other reasons....this is the tip of the iceberg.  

You can divorce because he ties his shoes the wrong way, if you want. You dont need to have any "good" (not petty) reason to divorce if you're unhappy.  None of this sounds petty though.  You two are completely incompatible on so many levels and always have been. 

You have more than enough reason to leave and be done. 

Can you do this for another 23 years? Or 30? Or 40? Ugh. He sounds exhausting and you sound utterly done.