Hanging in Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 My bf of 7 years had been cheating for the last 2 years. I’m 2 months into putting the family pieces back together (we have 4 kids) and my son (5) drops the, “do you live somewhere else because you were mean to mama and mama was mean to you?” he said “no, I’m just hanging out here for a while.” I’m recoiling at his idea mama did something wrong. He hurt us and abused me daily them slightly less if I was the target. The ACTUAL PG version is “dadda was mean to mama and he feels better where he’s at now & we can both now concentrate on you and have no more mean. curious, how did you guys handled this part? Any success stories? Any backfires? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 Children are happiest in a stable happy home whether both parents are under one roof or not. If he was abusing you daily it has a severe effect on them. They want and need you to be happy. Why are you putting family pieces back together and why hasn't he married you yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted June 5, 2021 Author Share Posted June 5, 2021 To clarify I am picking up the pieces of whats left of our family. What do you mean “why hasn’t he married me yet”? I just want to understand before responding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 11 hours ago, Hanging in said: I’m recoiling at his idea mama did something wrong. He hurt us and abused me daily Kids ask questions when things change. Be glad this abuser is gone. It's unclear why you allow any visitation when he abuses your kids. It's also unclear if he abused you and the children why t you don't get a restraining order and change the locks. Get to court for child support (for his) and allow only supervised visitation. Don't make decisions or talks based on a 5 y/o's musings. Dad moved out because we need to live apart now. Keep it simple. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 @Wiseman2 I was watching a doco just the other night about kids and abusive fathers. Family courts where I live are so big on kids seeing both parents that even abusive parents are allowed custody. Even when the kids are reporting abuse to the authorities. That fact that kids are handed to an abusive parent is a decision by the court and heartbreaking to the other parent who only wants to protect the child. It might be wise to ease up on accusations without understanding custody laws where the OP is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted June 5, 2021 Author Share Posted June 5, 2021 27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Kids ask questions when things change. Be glad this abuser is gone. It's unclear why you allow any visitation when he abuses your kids. It's also unclear if he abused you and the children why t you don't get a restraining order and change the locks. Get to court for child support (for his) and allow only supervised visitation. Don't make decisions or talks based on a 5 y/o's musings. Dad moved out because we need to live apart now. Keep it simple. Supervised visits have been in play since day1, the kids are young, they think that’s just how dads are. Physical abuse was rarest and with supervised not as real of a tgreat. Emotionsl abuse is heavily guarded and again, supervised keeps him accountable because he’s scared it’ll go to no contact which it will if his negatives persist. Now that he’s gone we have 3 things 1) the house is wildly more calm; 2) they no longer receive training that the type of outbursts that were common are normal behavior, 3) because the court process is in full swing, everyone is usually on their best behavior and in supervised visits they get the better version of their dad. I’m required by law, until notified by a judge to continue contact and for the kids who don’t know what their dad. The kids are also hurting missing their dad, it’s emotionally in their best interest to maintain contact. Just trying to reduce carnage & their lifetime therapy bills down the road man. It’s awkward af for me but if that’s the only side effect? I can do this for them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted June 5, 2021 Author Share Posted June 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: @Wiseman2 I was watching a doco just the other night about kids and abusive fathers. Family courts where I live are so big on kids seeing both parents that even abusive parents are allowed custody. Even when the kids are reporting abuse to the authorities. That fact that kids are handed to an abusive parent is a decision by the court and heartbreaking to the other parent who only wants to protect the child. It might be wise to ease up on accusations without understanding custody laws where the OP is. Thank you. That’s where we’re at. Just trying to control the descent. Keep the kids safe whatever the costs to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted June 5, 2021 Author Share Posted June 5, 2021 6 minutes ago, basil67 said: @Wiseman2 I was watching a doco just the other night about kids and abusive fathers. Family courts where I live are so big on kids seeing both parents that even abusive parents are allowed custody. Even when the kids are reporting abuse to the authorities. That fact that kids are handed to an abusive parent is a decision by the court and heartbreaking to the other parent who only wants to protect the child. It might be wise to ease up on accusations without understanding custody laws where the OP is. Also: do you remember the name of the documentary? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Hanging in said: Supervised visits have been in play since day1. I’m required by law, until notified by a judge to continue contact and for the kids who don’t know what their dad. Excellent. Make sure he does not see them unsupervised. Abusers use kids as pawns to further the abuse. Go with what courts in your jurisdiction decide, not TV reality shows. Edited June 5, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 (edited) Just wondering if you’ve had any counselling yourself? Or any family counselling with your kids? If you have an EAP program at work, you could access some counselling from that at no cost. I would probably have this discussion with a trusted counsellor to get their advice. you may even be able to call a women’s shelter and ask to speak with a counsellor or social worker. They may have some advice on how to have this discussion with children that would be really helpful. Also - just wanted to say well done for ending that relationship. And, god bless and keep you for providing a safe and loving home for your children. I wish you all the best! Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 17 hours ago, Hanging in said: To clarify I am picking up the pieces of whats left of our family. What do you mean “why hasn’t he married me yet”? I just want to understand before responding. Because you two have 4 kids together. Just wondering why you guys never decided to tie the knot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted June 5, 2021 Author Share Posted June 5, 2021 25 minutes ago, stillafool said: Because you two have 4 kids together. Just wondering why you guys never decided to tie the knot. Because neither of us wanted that. We wanted each other and blended my oldest (previous relationship) with our son and tried for one more, got twins. he was married previously to someone who cheated on him for a year. He was gun-shy to marriage and the older I get, so am I. I want someone with me because they want to, not because they have to. Anyway I don’t think it would have stopped him from cheating, married or not he’d still be doing it right now if he didn’t get caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Hanging in said: Also: do you remember the name of the documentary? The doco is an Australian production called 'See What You Made Me Do' and is streaming on SBS Australia. I don't know if it's available globally. Edited June 5, 2021 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted June 6, 2021 Author Share Posted June 6, 2021 13 hours ago, basil67 said: The doco is an Australian production called 'See What You Made Me Do' and is streaming on SBS Australia. I don't know if it's available globally. Thanks, I’ll get google to work and see if I can find it. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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