Boyfriend of 2 years blocked and ghosted me after an argument. I've never felt so broken and beaten down in my entire life

[Vikcas]

Over the course of two years I have tried everything with this person. I’ve tried being compassionate, I’ve been strict, I’ve been rational and then irrational. I’ve let my emotions pour out time and time again. I’ve hidden them. I’ve made mental spreadsheets of what worked and what didn't, what specific conditions made him love me slightly more and what made him withdraw. I made making him care about me into a science. Everything I have done in these last couple of months was with the purpose of getting him to not treat me like garbage. I’ve bit my tongue, apologized when I did nothing wrong, and even upped my nude game for those fleeting moments of appreciation (it’s important to note that we’ve been doing long distance since the beginning of the pandemic due to our borders not being open to one another). It didn’t matter how much effort I was willing to put in. None of it worked.

He says he loves me, but he doesn’t want to put in the effort. He doesn’t want to treat me like a human. I did everything I could to make the relationship work. I communicated, I supported him in his plans for the future. When he wanted to go back to school and didn’t have the money to buy a laptop, I bought the new macbook for him. I also bought him school supplies, a study table so he could stay organized, clothes, shoes, food on days when he didn’t have a dime to feed himself, everything. I was excited to one day move to his home country with him and eventually start a family. I always wanted a life with him. I was hesitant in the beginning, but it didn’t take long for me to come around. How do you call someone your wife and block them in the same sentence? How do you do that? What possesses a person to be so cruel?

Now, I’m not perfect. I am a human being like any other and have made my fair share of mistakes in the relationship. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed doesn’t warrant me to b**** at my partner, but it happens. This doesn’t make me a bad person, a bad girlfriend, or mean that I am someone who needs help. Bad days happen to all of us and unfortunately the person we spend the most time with is usually on the receiving end of our bullshit. Still, I would apologize every time and try my hardest to do better.

The argument we had last night that caused him to block me was fully my fault. I’ve been so patient with him these last couple of months, but last night I reached my breaking point. Yesterday he woke up and needed the morning and afternoon to tend to his studies. I didn’t bother him at all except for the one time I checked in to see how everything was going. He said he would be done by X time. X time came around and he wasn’t done. That’s fine, I can’t fault him for needing more time. I was once a college student. He needed half an hour more. Half an hour went by and I didn’t get a call, so I called him. He said I could stay on the phone while he wraps up, to which I agreed to. During all of this, I was picking out a movie for us to stream together. It was a movie he was excited to see, so I sent it to him. No reaction. Nothing. He finished his assignment and immediately wanted to watch the movie. No proper greeting or asking me about how my day went. There was no love. I let it go and we started watching the movie. We’re 30 minutes in and at this point I’m having to squeeze affection out of him. I eventually asked us to stop the movie because I was ready to rage, and I did. I told him I had given up, to which he hung up and blocked my number. 

Just two days ago he said he would fight for me if I ever tried to leave. That I was the most important person in his life. This wasn’t a game I was playing to see how he’d react. I was genuinely frustrated with his lack of love and attentiveness towards me. I was patient with him and his studies as I have always been. I don’t ask for much, all I want is to be acknowledged and shown a little affection after a long day. 

I’ve been in a limbo since yesterday evening trying to figure out if this relationship is over. Not only did he hang up on me (he does this every single time we argue despite having told him to stop because it’s disrespectful), he blocked me and completely exiled me from his life. I thought it would be a cute gesture to send edible arrangements to his door as a means to start the making up process, but he received it hours ago and hasn’t said a single word. He thinks nothing of it. I’ve emailed him many times and have apologized wholeheartedly. I’ve created multiple Apple ID accounts to message him only to be blocked. I’ve sent him voice notes and done the absolute most to embarrass myself. I thought I deserved a little bit more respect than just being blocked. I’m shocked, devastated, and absolutely heartbroken. He has made me feel like a worthless human being. Someone not worthy of respect or being loved in a kind way.

I have no one to talk to. No one to turn to. I don’t want to burden any of my friends or family with this. I haven’t eaten since 3pm yesterday and I’ve dropped 3 pounds. My eyes are nearly swollen shut and my whole face is puffy from crying. He doesn’t care and he never will.

[stillafool]

Is any man worth all of this?  Seriously, if he's blocked you and refuses to talk it aggravates him more that you are using all of these other avenues to try to reach him.  I think it is over this time and considering how you have to walk on eggshells to keep him, this is probably for the best.  I'm sorry you're hurt but stop chasing him.  That never works with men.  

[Vikcas]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is any man worth all of this?  Seriously, if he's blocked you and refuses to talk it aggravates him more that you are using all of these other avenues to try to reach him.  I think it is over this time and considering how you have to walk on eggshells to keep him, this is probably for the best.  I'm sorry you're hurt but stop chasing him.  That never works with men.  

You’re absolutely right, I’ve embarrassed myself enough. The last email I sent him was just before I made this thread. I made it very clear that there is no moving on from this. An act like this from a partner I’ve been with for so long is shameful and cruel. Such a jolt emotionally and psychologically that I will most likely spend years second guessing myself and my judgement in others. Surely, a mental health professional can help me through it.

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, Vikcas said:

Surely, a mental health professional can help me through it.

Yes a therapist will help you a great deal with the impulsive actions.  I think you should leave him alone and just wait it out at this point.  You have to show him you are strong.

[Vikcas]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes a therapist will help you a great deal with the impulsive actions.  I think you should leave him alone and just wait it out at this point.  You have to show him you are strong.

Absolutely. Thank you for taking the time to read everything and respond. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Vikcas said:

Over the course of two years I have tried everything with this person. I’ve tried being compassionate, I’ve been strict, I’ve been rational and then irrational. I’ve let my emotions pour out time and time again. I’ve hidden them. I’ve made mental spreadsheets of what worked and what didn't, what specific conditions made him love me slightly more and what made him withdraw. I made making him care about me into a science. Everything I have done in these last couple of months was with the purpose of getting him to not treat me like garbage.

You're currently too shocked to recognise this, but he's just done you a favour.  The above is NOT what a relationship should look like.   Don't ever go jumping through hoops for a man who treats you like garbage.   

I agree you need some therapy, but not so much for the impulsive reactions.  Rather, look at your self esteem and find out why you twisted yourself in knots trying to make him care for you.   But the first thing you need to do is take your power back and permanently block him on your end too. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by basil67

[Vikcas]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're currently too shocked to recognise this, but he's just done you a favour.  The above is NOT what a relationship should look like.   Don't ever go jumping through hoops for a man who treats you like garbage.   

I agree you need some therapy, but not so much for the impulsive reactions.  Rather, look at your self esteem and find out why you twisted yourself in knots trying to make him care for you.   But the first thing you need to do is take your power back and permanently block him on your end too. 

It’s been really rough existing these last 24 hours with no answers and no closure. It's a really weird, horrible situation to be in. I agree with seeking therapy for my self esteem. I know that when a person treats us badly or ignores us, but we keep reaching out, it only lowers our dignity and our self esteem will suffer for it. I know that at a certain point I should’ve just walked away and gone into full blown no contact. This is one of the saddest facts of life for me. Love, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness are almost never appreciated; they are simply indicators that the person can just get more and more out of you.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Vikcas said:

Just two days ago he said he would fight for me if I ever tried to leave.

Clearly this is not true, but it's also your sign that you're in a bad relationship. 

One does not usually say things like this unless the relaitonship is already on the rocks, which yours clearly is. "Fighting" for someone is  such a flawed concept and unhealthy mindset. If someone wants to go, they should go - and not use the threat of leaving as some sort of bargaining chip hoping the other person will finally shape up. When it comes to "fighting" for someone, it's usually already long over. 

4 hours ago, Vikcas said:

didn’t have the money to buy a laptop, I bought the new macbook for him. I also bought him school supplies, a study table so he could stay organized, clothes, shoes, food on days when he didn’t have a dime to feed himself, everything

You are not his mother, and should not have set up this sort of dynamic between you. It is one thing to help and support a partner in a time of need, but this looks a lot more like parenting and hoping to win his approval if he could just see how helpful you are. But girl, he took advantage. He's a grown-ass man and if he cannot get his life together enough to buy his own pencil case and shoes, you need to ask yourself what the heck you're doing with him. 

 

2 hours ago, Vikcas said:

Love, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness are almost never appreciated

Absoluley not true. You're just looking for all of that from the wrong person. 

 

4 hours ago, Vikcas said:

I thought it would be a cute gesture to send edible arrangements to his door as a means to start the making up process, but he received it hours ago and hasn’t said a single word. He thinks nothing of it. I’ve emailed him many times and have apologized wholeheartedly. I’ve created multiple Apple ID accounts

Stop. STOP. Take a breath. You need to sit with your thoughts and anixety, and ask yourself what the heck you're so afraid of losing here. The approval of a man who does not give a crap? A guy who takes advantage of his girlfriend and behaves like an overgrown child? A relationship that makes you feel invisible? A vague and nebulous future with...this man?? Imagine how poor a husband and father he would be. If you're looking for a happy married life, well, you need to keep looking. You won't get it from him. 

This relationship needs to end. It's toxic and you have lost yourself in this mess. 

[Vikcas]

34 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Clearly this is not true, but it's also your sign that you're in a bad relationship. 

One does not usually say things like this unless the relaitonship is already on the rocks, which yours clearly is. "Fighting" for someone is  such a flawed concept and unhealthy mindset. If someone wants to go, they should go - and not use the threat of leaving as some sort of bargaining chip hoping the other person will finally shape up. When it comes to "fighting" for someone, it's usually already long over. 

You are not his mother, and should not have set up this sort of dynamic between you. It is one thing to help and support a partner in a time of need, but this looks a lot more like parenting and hoping to win his approval if he could just see how helpful you are. But girl, he took advantage. He's a grown-ass man and if he cannot get his life together enough to buy his own pencil case and shoes, you need to ask yourself what the heck you're doing with him. 

 

Absoluley not true. You're just looking for all of that from the wrong person. 

 

Stop. STOP. Take a breath. You need to sit with your thoughts and anixety, and ask yourself what the heck you're so afraid of losing here. The approval of a man who does not give a crap? A guy who takes advantage of his girlfriend and behaves like an overgrown child? A relationship that makes you feel invisible? A vague and nebulous future with...this man?? Imagine how poor a husband and father he would be. If you're looking for a happy married life, well, you need to keep looking. You won't get it from him. 

This relationship needs to end. It's toxic and you have lost yourself in this mess. 

I can’t stop crying. I needed to hear this. Thank you.

I’ve already come to terms with the fact that the relationship ended. It’s been 24 hours since he ghosted and I doubt he will come back. What I’m finding difficult is separating myself from it. I keep asking myself what I did wrong. Why did he leave so abruptly? Why did he not take into consideration that this will cause more hurt than being direct? All of this is an insult to my self worth and dignity. I’m trying my best to not be in denial about the situation, but it’s hard because I really loved this person.

I hold my head high in the knowledge that I was a genuine person and he was just a little boy, pretending to be a man.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Vikcas said:

He doesn’t want to treat me like a human. 

It's unclear why you tolerate this. Is this a BDSM situation? 

You seem to be acting like a slave gyrating around jumping thought hoops to get a morsel of attention.

If this is not a BDSM situation, end it and delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

If being treated as subhuman is not part of a BDSM thing for you read up on abusive relationships and google "Stockholm Syndrome" 

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your mental health and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Vikcas said:

Over the course of two years I have tried everything with this person. I’ve tried being compassionate, I’ve been strict, I’ve been rational and then irrational. I’ve let my emotions pour out time and time again. I’ve hidden them. I’ve made mental spreadsheets of what worked and what didn't, what specific conditions made him love me slightly more and what made him withdraw. I made making him care about me into a science. Everything I have done in these last couple of months was with the purpose of getting him to not treat me like garbage. I’ve bit my tongue, apologized when I did nothing wrong, and even upped my nude game for those fleeting moments of appreciation (it’s important to note that we’ve been doing long distance since the beginning of the pandemic due to our borders not being open to one another). It didn’t matter how much effort I was willing to put in. None of it worked.

Why, for God's sake, why?
This is madness actually. You can't MAKE people care for you, they either do or they don't.
As soon as you hit unsolvable issues, you give up and walk, you do not twist yourself into pretzels to somehow make it right.
It was a 2 year relationship - if it is not working you get yourself out of the situation and fast.
20 years and three kids a bit different maybe, but 2 years???  
Nothing worked because he doesn't care.
He no doubt grew annoyed and resentful because you were forever trying to fix things.

He knew you would not let up, so he had to ghost you to get away from you, sorry to say. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by elaine567

[basil67]

Love, compassion and empathy are very valuable to the right person.  The right person being someone who also has those traits and feels love and compassion for you.   When you find a kind man who loves and respects you, he will hold so much value for your kindness.  

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Vikcas said:

Over the course of two years I have tried everything with this person. I’ve tried being compassionate, I’ve been strict, I’ve been rational and then irrational. I’ve let my emotions pour out time and time again. I’ve hidden them. I’ve made mental spreadsheets of what worked and what didn't, what specific conditions made him love me slightly more and what made him withdraw. I made making him care about me into a science. Everything I have done in these last couple of months was with the purpose of getting him to not treat me like garbage. I’ve bit my tongue, apologized when I did nothing wrong, and even upped my nude game for those fleeting moments of appreciation (it’s important to note that we’ve been doing long distance since the beginning of the pandemic due to our borders not being open to one another). It didn’t matter how much effort I was willing to put in. None of it worked.

I'd say you were being irrational the whole time.  The rational thing to do would have been to end this insanity long ago.  This relationship was completely dysfunctional from the beginning and you refused to see that.  No one should ever be doing any of this in a relationship.  You need to get into therapy to find out why in the world you would stay in a completely toxic relationship like this, why on earth you thought you could "make" a person care about you, why you would be someone's doormat and bend over backwards for someone who was consistently treating you badly.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, Vikcas said:

 Everything I have done in these last couple of months was with the purpose of getting him to not treat me like garbage.

Next time walk away the minute this starts instead of trying to fix it.

Were you a bit hooked on the hot and cold/highs and lows/"drama"? This is a psychological phenomenon to have self-awareness about.

Be aware that some abusers will wait a while until things have "settled" a bit and then start their abuse. Not sure if this is what happened here, but something to be aware of.

You may have picked up some learned behaviors from this (unconsciously) that you DON'T want to apply in your next relationship, so try to be aware of that as well.

Ultimately he couldn't handle this either. You may have given almost as good as you got.

You might want to research something called the "Drama Triangle" to help you become more aware of dysfunctional patterns. And don't let him reel you back in as the current ghosting might be just a stronger "cold" phase in ongoing hot/cold manipulation by him (possibly unconsciously).

Edited June 5, 2021 by mark clemson

[Abhainn]

Hi Vikcas, 

So there's a couple things that I feel like might be helpful for you to draw attention to and name specifically and I really hope it is helpful (and feel free to let me know if it is not). 

The first is I want to have you see yourself in a very compassionate light, in how he used abusive techniques to draw away your primary time, attention, and care from yourself (where it always should be primarily even if you are very empathic!) and onto him. Instead of being able to focus on yourself, your life, and being a good partner, friend, and everything else you have going on, your focus became very narrowed (not to say at all that you weren't a good friend or other roles you have going on at all, just to say how much self-care was deliberately by them to caring for them instead of you).I know it may feel incredibly hard right now, to feel like you can fill the hole inside of you right now, and though it may take some time, I know in experiencing something similar, it was so helpful for me to imagine turning all that love I gave to people who didn't deserve it and were only using it for their own cruel amusement or need for attention, anyway turning all that love back on myself, to myself. Listening to what I needed and giving that to myself in a loving way really helped me break that paralyzing feeling. 

Also, and its okay if this takes time to really feel and connect with (I just remember how incredibly empty and hopeless I felt in a similar situation and how hard that is to rise up from again) and I really want to be sure you read all of what I'm about to write because when you can connect with it, I hope this can feel super empowering for you. Because, in a sense, in a wonderfully healthy even if it feels so terrible right now, he did leave because of you. He left, because in that moment you grew so much. In that moment you valued yourself and your needs (to be treated as important for yourself and the connection you offer and want to share with someone!) enough to set a boundary and say that we are over if you won't or can't give me what I need in this relationship. And he left. And he did so because you reached a point where you were, in that moment, not vulnerable to his abuse anymore. You were valuing yourself as important in your relationship in a new way. If it helps, in my situation the same thing happened when after apologizing so much for things that offended him for no reason at all and he would always say that he knew there was nothing wrong with what I'd had said, I actually did hold him to account for what he had said and demanded an apology (with a very similar reaction to yours). At the time I thought that I'd lost one of the only people I could talk to and share with and that it was the worst thing in the world. In fact, it was the best thing in the world. My increasing assertiveness and valuing of myself led to more positive friendships and experiences out in the world.

I feel like this is a really vulnerable time for you, and if he reaches out and wants to try again, I would really encourage you to think about blocking him and keeping no contact. He knows your vulnerable points. He knows how to draw you in, and will do everything he can, if he choose to try and reestablish the abusive (towards you!) relationship.

I hear so many beautiful gifts that you possess in what you wrote, including the gift of connection and finding so much joy in creating and finding activities to do together. In having the empathy, the discipline, and the observation to learn your partner's needs, wants, and desires in a systematic way to be the best partner you can for them. 

I hope that you can start to reframe this as instead of a horrible event that is so not your fault, but rather your growth!, but rather as a time to draw in, rest, replenish, turn that vast love and empathy onto yourself, and maybe if you have the ability to, desire, and access get some therapy with a good therapist who can help guide you in channeling that empathy in healthy ways in establishing boundaries around yourself, your needs, and your care that repel would-be abusers (p.s. it is always abuser's fault, never the abused!)

[Calmandfocused]

Every word in your op is about what you’ve done. What about him?
 

Reading between the lines here im 100% sure that you are being abused. You go on and on about what changes/ things you’ve done - to please him I assume? 
 

The blocking is a control game and you’re feeding into it. You’re giving him all your power by begging and pleading for his attention. Please stop it! 
 

So what’s so great about this guy? Why does your whole existence depend on his approval and acceptance? He must be amazing! ...Except my sense is that he is not!!
 

Please get yourself some help immediately and stop trying to contact him. 

[Daisydooks]

On 6/4/2021 at 8:39 PM, Vikcas said:

Over the course of two years I have tried everything with this person. I’ve tried being compassionate, I’ve been strict, I’ve been rational and then irrational. I’ve let my emotions pour out time and time again. I’ve hidden them. I’ve made mental spreadsheets of what worked and what didn't, what specific conditions made him love me slightly more and what made him withdraw. I made making him care about me into a science. Everything I have done in these last couple of months was with the purpose of getting him to not treat me like garbage. I’ve bit my tongue, apologized when I did nothing wrong, and even upped my nude game for those fleeting moments of appreciation (it’s important to note that we’ve been doing long distance since the beginning of the pandemic due to our borders not being open to one another). It didn’t matter how much effort I was willing to put in. None of it worked.

He says he loves me, but he doesn’t want to put in the effort. He doesn’t want to treat me like a human. I did everything I could to make the relationship work. I communicated, I supported him in his plans for the future. When he wanted to go back to school and didn’t have the money to buy a laptop, I bought the new macbook for him. I also bought him school supplies, a study table so he could stay organized, clothes, shoes, food on days when he didn’t have a dime to feed himself, everything. I was excited to one day move to his home country with him and eventually start a family. I always wanted a life with him. I was hesitant in the beginning, but it didn’t take long for me to come around. How do you call someone your wife and block them in the same sentence? How do you do that? What possesses a person to be so cruel?

Now, I’m not perfect. I am a human being like any other and have made my fair share of mistakes in the relationship. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed doesn’t warrant me to b**** at my partner, but it happens. This doesn’t make me a bad person, a bad girlfriend, or mean that I am someone who needs help. Bad days happen to all of us and unfortunately the person we spend the most time with is usually on the receiving end of our bullshit. Still, I would apologize every time and try my hardest to do better.

The argument we had last night that caused him to block me was fully my fault. I’ve been so patient with him these last couple of months, but last night I reached my breaking point. Yesterday he woke up and needed the morning and afternoon to tend to his studies. I didn’t bother him at all except for the one time I checked in to see how everything was going. He said he would be done by X time. X time came around and he wasn’t done. That’s fine, I can’t fault him for needing more time. I was once a college student. He needed half an hour more. Half an hour went by and I didn’t get a call, so I called him. He said I could stay on the phone while he wraps up, to which I agreed to. During all of this, I was picking out a movie for us to stream together. It was a movie he was excited to see, so I sent it to him. No reaction. Nothing. He finished his assignment and immediately wanted to watch the movie. No proper greeting or asking me about how my day went. There was no love. I let it go and we started watching the movie. We’re 30 minutes in and at this point I’m having to squeeze affection out of him. I eventually asked us to stop the movie because I was ready to rage, and I did. I told him I had given up, to which he hung up and blocked my number. 

Just two days ago he said he would fight for me if I ever tried to leave. That I was the most important person in his life. This wasn’t a game I was playing to see how he’d react. I was genuinely frustrated with his lack of love and attentiveness towards me. I was patient with him and his studies as I have always been. I don’t ask for much, all I want is to be acknowledged and shown a little affection after a long day. 

I’ve been in a limbo since yesterday evening trying to figure out if this relationship is over. Not only did he hang up on me (he does this every single time we argue despite having told him to stop because it’s disrespectful), he blocked me and completely exiled me from his life. I thought it would be a cute gesture to send edible arrangements to his door as a means to start the making up process, but he received it hours ago and hasn’t said a single word. He thinks nothing of it. I’ve emailed him many times and have apologized wholeheartedly. I’ve created multiple Apple ID accounts to message him only to be blocked. I’ve sent him voice notes and done the absolute most to embarrass myself. I thought I deserved a little bit more respect than just being blocked. I’m shocked, devastated, and absolutely heartbroken. He has made me feel like a worthless human being. Someone not worthy of respect or being loved in a kind way.

I have no one to talk to. No one to turn to. I don’t want to burden any of my friends or family with this. I haven’t eaten since 3pm yesterday and I’ve dropped 3 pounds. My eyes are nearly swollen shut and my whole face is puffy from crying. He doesn’t care and he never will.

Sounds like this guy did you the biggest favour ever. He blocked you. GOOD! What in the eff did I just read?! All of this for some long distance idiot?  Nah, girl. Thank God its done. Go eat. I promise this is the best outcome.