I exposed everything to his fiance

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, vdsry said:

i just thought that there’s a way for him to change.

People don’t change their character. 

He has a long history of bad relationships and poor decisions. That’s hard enough to overcome. Add to that, this guy is very comfortable with lying, deception, and infidelity. A bird like that isn’t likely to change his feathers. 

I would assume given his relationship history that you aren’t his first affair partner. It’s also unlikely that you will be the last. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[vdsry]

7 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

This man has 5 kids and 4 different baby mommas? He is the problem he hasn't found love, not these women. Nor you. You need to find out why you ignored these red flags. That way moving forward you can recognize them before engaging. 

I was happy before him. Happily single for almost many years until he came and showed and make me feel like something is lacking in me. That I lack love. Love that is found from another person. A special person.

he valued me for how many months. But after that everything completely changed. He turned into a monster. Someone whom I completely dont know already.

and when I look at myself the old self which I knew. The happy girl. That turned into a monster too… 

[vdsry]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

People don’t change their character. 

He has a long history of bad relationships and poor decisions. That’s hard enough to overcome. Add to that, this guy is very comfortable with lying, deception, and infidelity. A bird like that isn’t likely to change his feathers. 

I would assume given his relationship history that you aren’t his first affair partner. It’s also unlikely that you will be the last. 

That is true. I am not the first one…

I just hope that her fiance has a strong heart… for everything that has been happening. 
I really am so amazed how she handled everything I said calmly. 
She’s not raging. I don’t know how she does it…

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, vdsry said:

he valued me for how many months.

You knew that he was in a relationship during this time, did you not?

If so, how exactly did he value you by offering affection when he was not available to have a legitimate relationship with you? To me, that’s not a kind or loving thing to do to another. If he “valued” you, he would have maintained a healthy boundary, respecting you enough not to mislead you and make empty promises?  

He showered you with attention and affection. That’s different than truly “valuing” a woman. He valued neither you, nor his girlfriend.

You really need to understand why you were so captivated by the attention and affection that he provided that you were willing to ignore all these red flags. You need to understand why YOU didn’t value yourself enough not to walk away from this situation. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

The fiancée has a child with him, she may feel she has no option but to stay.
If he indeed has NPD she may be being abused and thus is scared to leave...

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, vdsry said:

I just hope that her fiance has a strong heart… for everything that has been happening. 
I really am so amazed how she handled everything I said calmly. 
She’s not raging. I don’t know how she does it…

Maybe she still thinks she can “fix” him. 
Or maybe, it’s just a more primal need to “win” him. To protect what is hers. To keep whatever is left of her dignity. 

Whatever it is, it’s not yours to understand. 

[vdsry]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You knew that he was in a relationship during this time, did you not?

If so, how exactly did he value you by offering affection when he was not available to have a legitimate relationship with you? To me, that’s not a kind or loving thing to do to another. If he “valued” you, he would have maintained a healthy boundary, respecting you enough not to mislead you and make empty promises?  

He showered you with attention and affection. That’s different than truly “valuing” a woman. He valued neither you, nor his girlfriend.

You really need to understand why you were so captivated by the attention and affection that he provided that you were willing to ignore all these red flags. You need to understand why YOU didn’t value yourself enough not to walk away from this situation. 

His fiance and the man has this setup of not talking or ignoring everything. the fiance lets the man do whatever he wants to do so we go out often, we sleepover we take vacations. 
it felt like it was a dream, like a fantasy. He never made me feel like i was being hidden or that i was a other woman.

I take responsibility for myself.. that i let this happen to me. Maybe im really weak.

But now that everything has come to light there is no excuse for my actions nor his.. 

i just wish that my feelings for him will be gone immediately so I don’t need to feel this way.

to tell you honestly, I have gone crazy over him like obsessing over his attention and validation. And I think I have to love myself again…

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, vdsry said:

That is true. I am not the first one…

I just hope that her fiance has a strong heart… for everything that has been happening. 
I really am so amazed how she handled everything I said calmly. 
She’s not raging. I don’t know how she does it…

I notice you continue to talk about her and how she handles her love for him.  That is none of your business.  You have also asked why does she put up with him when you admit he's been trying to end it with you but you won't let him.  Yet you expect her, who is his fiance with a child ,to break up with him so you can have him.  Why do you think this is right?  You've told her once to make them break up and when that didn't work you told her again.  Yet you claim to worry about her feelings when in reality you don't really care.  He has more than likely convinced her that you are crazy and she feels sorry for you so that is why she's calm.  You are right that they have probably ganged up against you and it's orchestrated by him to protect his lies to her.  This is typical in affairs where the OW tells the wife. 

[Donnas]

Telling her is his job.wont make you look less guilty.

Move on

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Donnas said:

Telling her is his job.wont make you look less guilty.Move on

Agree.

Make sure you walk away and delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

 You don't want to come across as a Fatal Attraction case.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. So you're cheated with him, he's awful but you still want him, you told his fiancee, betraying him (from his perspective) she took him back (twice), he took you back (once), and now somehow you want him back (again).

Did I get all that right? Rhetorical question.

All three of you sound like gluttons for punishment. Serious gluttons for punishment. There is no advice to give here. Enjoy the life you're apparently making for yourself. Maybe see if you can horn in openly and become a throuple, that way you can all give each other emotional sado-masochism 24-7. Yeah, so I guess THAT'S my advice.

GL. I think you're going to need it!

Edited June 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[vdsry]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

I notice you continue to talk about her and how she handles her love for him.  That is none of your business.  You have also asked why does she put up with him when you admit he's been trying to end it with you but you won't let him.  Yet you expect her, who is his fiance with a child ,to break up with him so you can have him.  Why do you think this is right?  You've told her once to make them break up and when that didn't work you told her again.  Yet you claim to worry about her feelings when in reality you don't really care.  He has more than likely convinced her that you are crazy and she feels sorry for you so that is why she's calm.  You are right that they have probably ganged up against you and it's orchestrated by him to protect his lies to her.  This is typical in affairs where the OW tells the wife. 

You know what. I won’t cite reasons why I told his fiance.

the only thing running on my mind that moment is. After I have been treated like trash and s***. This is what I’ll get? 
and the fiance and him will what, play happy family?? 
i know i did it out of revenge.. but I dont know.

i let my emotions got to me..

I know I was wrong but I hope you guys understand when youve given all that you’ve got. Mind body heart and soul it feels like you have been drained…

[vdsry]

10 hours ago, Donnas said:

Telling her is his job.wont make you look less guilty.

Move on

I hear you completely..

Appreciate it.

[Starswillshine]

How did you disclose? Calm and collected, sticking to only the facts or were you emotional?

The reason I'm asking... if he is saying you are crazy and obsessed, your disclosure may have actually drove home the opinion that you might actually just be crazy and obsessed. 

Anger is a secondary emotion that is just masking the hurt and pain. Hugs. 

[vdsry]

48 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

How did you disclose? Calm and collected, sticking to only the facts or were you emotional?

The reason I'm asking... if he is saying you are crazy and obsessed, your disclosure may have actually drove home the opinion that you might actually just be crazy and obsessed. 

Anger is a secondary emotion that is just masking the hurt and pain. Hugs. 

Hi, thanks for asking. I really need someone to talk to..

i disclosed it to her by calling her on viber since the man and I were fighting he’s on his way home. I called the fiance and told her that the man is with me earlier and she said that oh you flirted with him again. And I said im sorry. I said i dont know why im being hoovered all the time. I asked her also if she knows about the disorder her fiance has. And she said yes and we talked on the phone i said my apologies and the man arrived home and said

hey you know why i went to her she’s suicidal she’s about to kill herself. Even if i mentioned that to him a month ago.. that wasn’t the reason he went to me. He went to me that day because we were bound to see each other that day. The problem is the man has my messages asking him to come over already as he went out with his friends for a while and he told me he is going to come back.. 

so that’s it. I sent the screenshots of the man saying to me that he loves me so much and he misses me but unsent it a couple of seconds after cause i came to my senses and thought that nothing’s good is going to happen.

to be honest i dont know why i feel like regretting of why i did it. Maybe because i still want to talk to the man and be okay. But i guess this is for the best… 

im tired of winning him over since he said that i betrayed him and his trust. Im tired of winning him over and treating me like s*** when in the first place he never thought of the reason why i did that is because of the hurtful things he said to me that triggered me.

it’s always the reaction but never the CAUSE of that REACTION.

if you get me. Thanks so much for listening.

[vdsry]

WHY AM I BEGGING OF HIS LOVE AND ATTENTION!!!!

i called him again saying sorry and asking if he wants to take me back he says that I need to be happy on my own without him. 

I AM SO LOW AND PATHETIC. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE FRIGGIN STUCK. 

WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME.

IT FEELS LIKE IM ADDICTED WITH HIS LOVE.. Even if he’s telling me that his fiance is very kind and understanding of what happened. And is straight up saying that she’s way too good than I am

Please dont judge me.. I just want to be okay..

I JUST WANT TO BE f***ING LOVED. BUT I DONT KNOW IT FEELS LIKE I AM NOT INTERESTED WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN HIM. WTF

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, vdsry said:

 he says that I need to be happy on my own without him. 

That's an excellent idea.

Have you read the book 📚 "I hate you, don't leave me"?

May help explain some things.

[vdsry]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's an excellent idea.

Have you read the book 📚 "I hate you, don't leave me"?

May help explain some things.

I will search for it… Thank you

[Starswillshine]

5 hours ago, vdsry said:

 

I JUST WANT TO BE f***ING LOVED. BUT I DONT KNOW IT FEELS LIKE I AM NOT INTERESTED WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN HIM. WTF

And you can be. But by someone who is deserving of your love. This guy isn't it. I know right now that he is all you can think about and all you want. But one day you will understand a cheater is not a prize. A man who says cruel things to you is not worth all this angst. 

Find something to do. A hobby. Activity. Etc. And try to immerse yourself into that. Whatever way you can. You need to back away from this and back away from him. 

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, vdsry said:

WHY AM I BEGGING OF HIS LOVE AND ATTENTION!!!!

IT FEELS LIKE IM ADDICTED WITH HIS LOVE..

Probably limerence and/or some level of insecure attachment.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[Daisydooks]

On 6/5/2021 at 12:51 PM, vdsry said:

Also, he promised me 3 months ago (cause we tried living in the same house while his fiance is on another location) that he will leave his fiance because he doesn’t love her anymore.

i know that so stupid of me to believe but ofcourse I’m just relying on everything that he has been saying to me because I trust him.

And to be honest, everything completely changed.

and that’s on me. That’s because I let it affect me this way. I loved him SO much. That I forgot about myself and my reputation.

 

If he was honest and said "I love my fiance, wont leave her ever and we are perfect together. I just want to have fun, casual sex with you and you mean nothing to me," how would that have gone? You'd be hurt and angry and probably would have called her sooner  

 

This is literally from the cheaters play book. Of course he played the "I hate her and want to leave her" card. It keeps you around as his side piece *which is ALL he wants from you* and ideally keeps you quiet for the time being while he has his cake and eats it, too. Being honest doesnt keep you around. Playing you for an idiot sure did though. Look how many times you believed his bullshit 

Edited June 8, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Daisydooks]

On 6/7/2021 at 1:32 AM, vdsry said:

WHY AM I BEGGING OF HIS LOVE AND ATTENTION!!!!

i called him again saying sorry and asking if he wants to take me back he says that I need to be happy on my own without him. 

I AM SO LOW AND PATHETIC. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE FRIGGIN STUCK. 

WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME.

IT FEELS LIKE IM ADDICTED WITH HIS LOVE.. Even if he’s telling me that his fiance is very kind and understanding of what happened. And is straight up saying that she’s way too good than I am

Please dont judge me.. I just want to be okay..

I JUST WANT TO BE f***ING LOVED. BUT I DONT KNOW IT FEELS LIKE I AM NOT INTERESTED WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN HIM. WTF

You need to get into therapy in my opinion.  This isnt a snarky reply or something that is bad. Therapy can help you work through this in a healthy way. Block his number. Change your number. You need to decide now, today,  to stop this insanity.  You're literally doing this to yourself now. 

You arent addicted to his love because what he is giving isnt that.   You wont ever find love if you dont first get yourself away from this cheating asshat. You will also continue to find men who treat you this way if you dont delve into why you accepted this to begin with (in therapy.) Therapy isnt a bad thing so I hope you dont view it as such. Therapy will help you work through why you chose him, why this was ever acceptable to begin with and why youre so attached to a lying cheater who lies and cheats his way through life. Its not attractive to a healthy human being and it wont be once you get your head on straight 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You are caught up in the cycle of abuse. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn all you can about NPD, why they choose the people they do, and the cycle of abuse. There are many very good Youtube videos on these topics by legitimate licensed professionals. After watching several, you will begin to identify patterns, and then you will see how the patterns relate to your situation. Start now!

Edited June 8, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos--current phone is the worst ever!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/7/2021 at 1:32 AM, vdsry said:

WHY AM I BEGGING OF HIS LOVE AND ATTENTION!!!!

i called him again saying sorry and asking if he wants to take me back he says that I need to be happy on my own without him. 

I AM SO LOW AND PATHETIC. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE FRIGGIN STUCK. 

WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME.

IT FEELS LIKE IM ADDICTED WITH HIS LOVE.. Even if he’s telling me that his fiance is very kind and understanding of what happened. And is straight up saying that she’s way too good than I am

Please dont judge me.. I just want to be okay..

I JUST WANT TO BE f***ING LOVED. BUT I DONT KNOW IT FEELS LIKE I AM NOT INTERESTED WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN HIM. WTF

Here is one of the best things you can do to make these lemons into lemonade:

You have a wound deep inside you from long ago (like so very many people do). That wound was scabbed over but not fully healed. Probably at that time you did not have the tools to know how to heal it properly. 

Since it scabbed, you moved on with life and had some successes. You were doing pretty well. Then, BAM!  Mr. NPD showed up and hooked into that wound. He identified it consciously or subconsciously, either way he sniffed it out in you. In him, his senses told him you are a woman who was in need of lots of love. He played into that, creating a fantasy where you felt loved and cherished. Possibly you thought things to yourself like, "Finally someone who gets me! We mesh so perfectly together." This was the lovebombimg phase. 

Then, after his web was woven around you, he took little bites out of you to normalize the abuse. It hurt but not enough to try to escape. Over time, the bites get deeper and more frequent followed by phases of "love," which is what cements you to him even more. The cycles become more frequent and dramatic with time. Soon you no longer know which way is up. Your brain has confused pleasure and pain with this intermittent reinforcement of pain then pleasure then pain. You are conditioned to seek the pleasure after the pain. 

But! NPD's get tired after a while and bored and lazy, so they dole out less and less pleasure. Meanwhile your brain is going haywire for its fix of pleasure, or what it thinks is pleasure. You are hooked on getting his validation of your worth. He has taken control of your sense of propriety by altering between lovebombing>devaluing>discarding>lovebombing (repeat cycle ad naseum).

Here is the lemonade, and it's going to take work for you to get it but it is so worth it...

The true gift this man has given you is that he brought that old wound to the surface so you can properly heal it this time. You didn't have the tools or ability to heal it before, but this time you do. Make this investment in yourself! Study everything you can on NPD. Consider counseling with a licensed, reputable therapist and/or support groups. You can do this for yourself and you deserve to make your lemonade for yourself. 

Edited June 8, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[vla1120]

I sympathize with you. I was married to an NPD. I stayed with him until the end because he had cancer (stage III when I met and hurriedly married him so he would have health benefits.) Being with him literally almost killed me. What you need to understand about NPD is that there is no cure. There is no medication that he can take to change his behavior because it is a personality disorder (this is what his psychiatrist told us in a session together, anyways.) The cycles of mental abuse were maddening. I was in that situation for almost 6 years. I stayed in therapy even after he passed away last year because (according to my therapist) I was dealing with a bit of PTSD after it was all over.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to see a therapist. Also, whenever you have the urge to contact him, you need to redirect yourself to another task. Maybe you could write in a journal instead of calling or texting him. I kept an online journal for that 6 year period. Going back and reading it has been therapeutic in my recovery from that period of time. You can do this. On the other side, you'll find yourself stronger and more well-equipped to recognize and deal with this type of person in the future (and if you DO recognize this type of person in the future, run - don't walk - in the opposite direction!)