I exposed everything to his fiance

[vdsry]

26 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Here is one of the best things you can do to make these lemons into lemonade:

You have a wound deep inside you from long ago (like so very many people do). That wound was scabbed over but not fully healed. Probably at that time you did not have the tools to know how to heal it properly. 

Since it scabbed, you moved on with life and had some successes. You were doing pretty well. Then, BAM!  Mr. NPD showed up and hooked into that wound. He identified it consciously or subconsciously, either way he sniffed it out in you. In him, his senses told him you are a woman who was in need of lots of love. He played into that, creating a fantasy where you felt loved and cherished. Possibly you thought things to yourself like, "Finally someone who gets me! We mesh so perfectly together." This was the lovebombimg phase. 

Then, after his web was woven around you, he took little bites out of you to normalize the abuse. It hurt but not enough to try to escape. Over time, the bites get deeper and more frequent followed by phases of "love," which is what cements you to him even more. The cycles become more frequent and dramatic with time. Soon you no longer know which way is up. Your brain has confused pleasure and pain with this intermittent reinforcement of pain then pleasure then pain. You are conditioned to seek the pleasure after the pain. 

But! NPD's get tired after a while and bored and lazy, so they dole out less and less pleasure. Meanwhile your brain is going haywire for its fix of pleasure, or what it thinks is pleasure. You are hooked on getting his validation of your worth. He has taken control of your sense of propriety by altering between lovebombing>devaluing>discarding>lovebombing (repeat cycle ad naseum).

Here is the lemonade, and it's going to take work for you to get it but it is so worth it...

The true gift this man has given you is that he brought that old wound to the surface so you can properly heal it this time. You didn't have the tools or ability to heal it before, but this time you do. Make this investment in yourself! Study everything you can on NPD. Consider counseling with a licensed, reputable therapist and/or support groups. You can do this for yourself and you deserve to make your lemonade for yourself. 

OH MY GOODNESS ITS LIKE THE LORD SPEAKING TO ME. OR JUST THE WORDS TAKEN OUT OF MY MOUTH.

I DIDNT CONTACTED HIM TODAY (yay! small victories) Although, ofcourse, not gonna lie. Deep inside of me I’m thinking about him…

I spoke to a Counselor earlier and will be going to him online every Tuesday..

thank you for the kind and beautiful words.. you dont know how much of a relief seeing your message..

from the bottom of my broken heart…

thank you! ❤️

[vdsry]

Dont judge me but I keep on messaging my narcissist and telling him that I miss and I still love him and that I am hoping for a new start for us

he keeps on telling me that he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t think of me and doesn’t miss me. But he keeps on answering my calls and text.

Is he just saying that to make himself feel good because I’m always the one in contact???

when it comes to my narcissistic ex i become this stupid person always begging for love!!!

i dont want to be stuck in this. I want to feel good on my own.

To tell you guys honestly i want him to look for me or to miss me. But how will i do that if im the one always in contact with him??

sometimes i think that he’s really okay without me but sometimes i think that he’s doing that because he know I’ll always reach out to him

[basil67]

I'm sorry to hear that you're stuck in this cycle.  But truth be told, if he is a narcissist he won't miss you.  He will just replace you.   Sure, he'll make use of you if you hand yourself to him on a platter, but it won't be genuine love or caring.  

 

 

[Aether]

If you have researched NPD as you claim to then you will know that he doesn't love you or anybody else because he's a narcissist, he is incapable of it and he will NEVER change, there is no cure for this.

All you are doing now is destroying yourself, you need therapy and NC like yesterday.

OP, you have what many people involved with a narc don't, confirmation of his nature, and the fact that you continually throw yourself at him with this knowledge is insane.  There is no happy ending, it was never in the offing, YOU are essentially choosing to destroy yourself.  All you're doing is feeding him, it doesn't matter that the interactions are negative, it's all fuel for him.  As was said above, he does not miss you and he never will.  Please run away and never look back.

Look up H.G Tudor on You Tube.

[vdsry]

6 minutes ago, Aether said:

If you have researched NPD as you claim to then you will know that he doesn't love you or anybody else because he's a narcissist, he is incapable of it and he will NEVER change, there is no cure for this.

All you are doing now is destroying yourself, you need therapy and NC like yesterday.

OP, you have what many people involved with a narc don't, confirmation of his nature, and the fact that you continually throw yourself at him with this knowledge is insane.  There is no happy ending, it was never in the offing, YOU are essentially choosing to destroy yourself.  All you're doing is feeding him, it doesn't matter that the interactions are negative, it's all fuel for him.  As was said above, he does not miss you and he never will.  Please run away and never look back.

Look up H.G Tudor on You Tube.

Yes. I am listening to HG Tudor.

it’s just so hard that I showed him genuine love and all I get is this friggin’ s*** cycle that I am in.

To tell you honestly, it’s like im withdrawing from a drug. That’s what it feels like…

[vdsry]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry to hear that you're stuck in this cycle.  But truth be told, if he is a narcissist he won't miss you.  He will just replace you.   Sure, he'll make use of you if you hand yourself to him on a platter, but it won't be genuine love or caring.  

 

 

I hear you. It’s just that it’s hard.. 

i stalk him everyday.

and now I deleted my Telegram app so that I won’t have a chance to talk to him.

it really really hurts.

[basil67]

Deleting the app is a good start.  Have you also deleted all other methods of contacting him?  

[Aether]

5 minutes ago, vdsry said:

Yes. I am listening to HG Tudor.

it’s just so hard that I showed him genuine love and all I get is this friggin’ s*** cycle that I am in.

To tell you honestly, it’s like im withdrawing from a drug. That’s what it feels like…

Because you are essentially, block and remove him.  You have to.  His number...everything! And seek counselling, don't do this to yourself anymore.

I don't think it's something that you can ween yourself off of especially given what he really is.  I think you know this, you must.

Read the comments on the videos, people get out, you can too.  Find your self respect again.

 

[vdsry]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Deleting the app is a good start.  Have you also deleted all other methods of contacting him?  

He still didn’t block me on his dummy messenger account although he’s not using that anymore… 

so it’s still active..

[vdsry]

3 minutes ago, Aether said:

Because you are essentially, block and remove him.  You have to.  His number...everything! And seek counselling, don't do this to yourself anymore.

I don't think it's something that you can ween yourself off of especially given what he really is.  I think you know this, you must.

Read the comments on the videos, people get out, you can too.  Find your self respect again.

 

Earlier when we talked on the phone.

I was so hurt that when I told him that I miss him and I asked him if he misses me he told me “there’s no answer. I don’t want to answer that.” “You’re making this hard for yourself.” “You can move on without me.”

and i felt like, he really does feel good saying that. Seeing me begging and pleading for his love.

I am actually going counselling and on tuesday that’s my 2nd session..

Sometimes i feel okay like now, talking to you guys sharing my feelings but especially when I just woke up in the morning.. that’s when I feel most alone and I miss him so much.

do you know the feeling of wanting to have your power back? Wanting to reverse everything and turn the tables to him. That’s how I really feel.

i know deep within that i love him but I am mad I am angry and most of all hurt…

 

[Aether]

15 minutes ago, vdsry said:

Earlier when we talked on the phone.

I was so hurt that when I told him that I miss him and I asked him if he misses me he told me “there’s no answer. I don’t want to answer that.” “You’re making this hard for yourself.” “You can move on without me.”

and i felt like, he really does feel good saying that. Seeing me begging and pleading for his love.

I am actually going counselling and on tuesday that’s my 2nd session..

Sometimes i feel okay like now, talking to you guys sharing my feelings but especially when I just woke up in the morning.. that’s when I feel most alone and I miss him so much.

do you know the feeling of wanting to have your power back? Wanting to reverse everything and turn the tables to him. That’s how I really feel.

i know deep within that i love him but I am mad I am angry and most of all hurt…

 

Of course it makes him feel good, he's a narcissist and that's what they do.  You aren't even a person to him, what you feel is irrelevant.  Try to think of him as less than human, he's a parasite and you're just one of many hosts.

I do know the feeling of wanting to have my power back, and I have to a large degree, but my xMM was not a narc, I had no desire to turn the tables on him, the end was not messy or angry in any way. I simply wish him the best because I love him.  In your case I think turning the tables is likely a bad idea, you may know this too.  Mornings and evenings were always the worst for me in the beginning too.  Time and distance will help, I promise, you need to detox.  

You are clearly a loving empathetic person or you would never have been targeted by his type.  You're better than he is, remember that.

Read through all the advice given to not only yourself, but to others and utilize that to get you through the rough times, you need distractions badly.  How did you find your first counselling session?

 

[vdsry]

31 minutes ago, Aether said:

Of course it makes him feel good, he's a narcissist and that's what they do.  You aren't even a person to him, what you feel is irrelevant.  Try to think of him as less than human, he's a parasite and you're just one of many hosts.

I do know the feeling of wanting to have my power back, and I have to a large degree, but my xMM was not a narc, I had no desire to turn the tables on him, the end was not messy or angry in any way. I simply wish him the best because I love him.  In your case I think turning the tables is likely a bad idea, you may know this too.  Mornings and evenings were always the worst for me in the beginning too.  Time and distance will help, I promise, you need to detox.  

You are clearly a loving empathetic person or you would never have been targeted by his type.  You're better than he is, remember that.

Read through all the advice given to not only yourself, but to others and utilize that to get you through the rough times, you need distractions badly.  How did you find your first counselling session?

 

He told me that he wants to fix his life. And I was actually thinking maybe he wants that for his fiance and for the kid. 
however, he’s a narc. 
that’s where im confused.

he can say all that he wants to say and play pretend cause he never feels anything.

my first counselling session was great however it’s just an introduction since it just an hour and counselling is expensive here in the Philippines.

i just hope to feel better. 
he told me that all his feeling for me were gone and i said it was too fast.

i want my feelings to be gone too… i seriously want that.. 

[Aether]

12 minutes ago, vdsry said:

He told me that he wants to fix his life. And I was actually thinking maybe he wants that for his fiance and for the kid. 
however, he’s a narc. 
that’s where im confused.

he can say all that he wants to say and play pretend cause he never feels anything.

my first counselling session was great however it’s just an introduction since it just an hour and counselling is expensive here in the Philippines.

i just hope to feel better. 
he told me that all his feeling for me were gone and i said it was too fast.

i want my feelings to be gone too… i seriously want that.. 

Your feelings are real, however, his weren't.  Cut all ties and go NC, it's the only way you will start to feel better, and you will, I promise, it will just take time.

[vdsry]

17 minutes ago, Aether said:

Your feelings are real, however, his weren't.  Cut all ties and go NC, it's the only way you will start to feel better, and you will, I promise, it will just take time.

thank you so much

[usa1ah]

On 6/5/2021 at 12:51 PM, vdsry said:

Also, he promised me 3 months ago (cause we tried living in the same house while his fiance is on another location) that he will leave his fiance because he doesn’t love her anymore.

i know that so stupid of me to believe but ofcourse I’m just relying on everything that he has been saying to me because I trust him.

And to be honest, everything completely changed.

and that’s on me. That’s because I let it affect me this way. I loved him SO much. That I forgot about myself and my reputation.

 

Why would you trust someone that is cheating on there girlfriend?

 

You can’t be this gullible. How long have you known you were the other woman?

 

Why didn’t you just end things when you found out?

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, vdsry said:

he keeps on telling me that he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t think of me and doesn’t miss me. But he keeps on answering my calls and text.

You need to listen to the man and not assume you know better.
This is "the discard".
He is done with you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

The only way ever Ever EVER to turn the tables on a narc is to give them no attention whatsoever. 

Every time you give any attention, positive or negative, in any form you are feeding his sense of power and control over you. Simultaneously you are feeling less and less power and control over yourself. 

The only way ever is totally grey rock. Be stone cold like a grey rock when it comes to anything pertaining to him. Fake it until you make it!

My xMM was a narc (my counselor diagnosed him). In the beginning I had to constantly tell myself, "Don't touch the hot stove!" I had to think of him like a hot stove--if I touched it I'd get burnt. That means any contact, thought, checking his social media meant OUCH BIG BURN, DON'T TOUCH!

Hope that helps. 

Edited June 11, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[vdsry]

3 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

The only way ever Ever EVER to turn the tables on a narc is to give them no attention whatsoever. 

Every time you give any attention, positive or negative, in any form you are feeding his sense of power and control over you. Simultaneously you are feeling less and less power and control over yourself. 

The only way ever is totally grey rock. Be stone cold like a grey rock when it comes to anything pertaining to him. Fake it until you make it!

My xMM was a narc (my counselor diagnosed him). In the beginning I had to constantly tell myself, "Don't touch the hot stove!" I had to think of him like a hot stove--if I touched it I'd get burnt. That means any contact, thought, checking his social media meant OUCH BIG BURN, DON'T TOUCH!

Hope that helps. 

Thank you… 

it’s my day 1 of NC now. Hope I can do this.

wish me luck.

 

[vdsry]

It’s my first day of no contact again today.

I deleted Telegram so I can’t contact him. However, he’s still on my messenger (his dummy account)

i was just surprised he changed his dummy account to his real name and put a picture on it. I saw also that he started vlogging.

i dont know where he’s getting all that strength from but i felt like he was really having the time of his life!

i am so mad.. so so mad that I am just the one feeling this way.

i want to cry. 

[vdsry]

1 hour ago, vdsry said:

It’s my first day of no contact again today.

I deleted Telegram so I can’t contact him. However, he’s still on my messenger (his dummy account)

i was just surprised he changed his dummy account to his real name and put a picture on it. I saw also that he started vlogging.

i dont know where he’s getting all that strength from but i felt like he was really having the time of his life!

i am so mad.. so so mad that I am just the one feeling this way.

i want to cry. 

Is this really how I am feeling? I feel furious..

i feel sad and pathetic. I keep on stalking him.

please someone talk to me.. am i going crazy…

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, vdsry said:

wish me luck.

You don’t need luck. 

You need counselling. You need something else to do.

And you need to be firm in your decision to block him and not contact him. 

In other words, you need to love yourself more than you love him.

[vdsry]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You don’t need luck. 

You need counselling. You need something else to do.

And you need to be firm in your decision to block him and not contact him. 

In other words, you need to love yourself more than you love him.

I know I need to block him. Seeing the pages he made today for his vlog and his dummy account with his real name hurt me a lot. I know this is so petty.. but i am so furious.

i feel like i lost in so many ways. I never won.

i will never win.

Im so mad… 

[Aether]

13 minutes ago, vdsry said:

I know I need to block him. Seeing the pages he made today for his vlog and his dummy account with his real name hurt me a lot. I know this is so petty.. but i am so furious.

i feel like i lost in so many ways. I never won.

i will never win.

Im so mad… 

He has NPD, you didn't LOSE anything! You WON your freedom!  Don't throw it away and make out that it's nothing, it's the best outcome for you.  Erase him from your life!

[vdsry]

45 minutes ago, Aether said:

He has NPD, you didn't LOSE anything! You WON your freedom!  Don't throw it away and make out that it's nothing, it's the best outcome for you.  Erase him from your life!

I keep on saying that to myself.. but everytime I think about him. It makes me mad and sad at the same time. 
im mad that im so stupid i didnt see it before if maybe i knew this was gonna happen, i left already…

I feel like its crushing me everyday.. im just in bed. I go down when I want to eat and just sleep and sleep and sleep.

i feel like i have no interest in anything..

if this is what emotional abused feels like, i really cant do this anymore…

im tired….

[HadMeOverABarrel]

8 hours ago, vdsry said:

Thank you… 

it’s my day 1 of NC now. Hope I can do this.

wish me luck.

 

You CAN do it!