HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 3 hours ago, vdsry said: It’s my first day of no contact again today. I deleted Telegram so I can’t contact him. However, he’s still on my messenger (his dummy account) i was just surprised he changed his dummy account to his real name and put a picture on it. I saw also that he started vlogging. i dont know where he’s getting all that strength from but i felt like he was really having the time of his life! i am so mad.. so so mad that I am just the one feeling this way. i want to cry. This is exactly what I was saying about the 'hot stove.' You looked at the messenger, saw what he was doing, and got hurt. You have to cut ALL of it. Make a mantra for yourself to repeat anytime you are tempted to check up on him...something like, "I can stand on my own. I am worth more than this. He can't give me what I need, but I CAN and WILL give myself what I need! and it's not him!" Put it in your own words. Repeat over and over when the impulse arises. Stay with it, minute at a time if necessary. You will begin to see minute, each hour, each day, each week becomes easier and easier as you stick with it. If you lapse, you'll be starting over...but still do not give up on yourself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 40 minutes ago, vdsry said: I feel like its crushing me everyday.. im just in bed. I go down when I want to eat and just sleep and sleep and sleep. Ok, get more involved in work, school, friends, family, fitness, clubs, groups, interests, volunteering, etc. Make sure you see your doctor about your lassitude and mental health. This inertia seems disproportionate to a several month dating situation, particularly one you knew was doomed from the start. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 1 hour ago, vdsry said: I know I need to block him. Seeing the pages he made today for his vlog and his dummy account with his real name hurt me a lot. I know this is so petty.. but i am so furious. i feel like i lost in so many ways. I never won. i will never win. Im so mad… You will win when you put yourself first! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 On 6/10/2021 at 5:43 AM, vdsry said: I was so hurt that when I told him that I miss him and I asked him if he misses me he told me “there’s no answer. I don’t want to answer that.” “You’re making this hard for yourself.” “You can move on without me.” and i felt like, he really does feel good saying that. Seeing me begging and pleading for his love No you're wrong he doesn't feel good telling you this because he knows it will hurt you; but he's tired of lying about emotions he doesn't feel. He doesn't want to give you any hope that things will go back the way they were. You say you wish things would go back to the way they were and you want you power back. Truthfully, you never had any it was all a waiting game for him to which he won. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, vdsry said: i feel like i lost in so many ways. I never won. i will never win. This is not about the man. This is about you - this is your own distorted thinking, it shows where you are at in your own life, and this improves with counselling. “He” is simply how what is unhealthy in you is manifesting right now. There was a great comment made by another poster in another discussion this week that absolutely applies here - healthy people don’t invite unhealthy things into their lives. Fix what is not healthy in you right now, and he won’t matter anymore… Edited June 11, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 11, 2021 Author Share Posted June 11, 2021 1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: This is exactly what I was saying about the 'hot stove.' You looked at the messenger, saw what he was doing, and got hurt. You have to cut ALL of it. Make a mantra for yourself to repeat anytime you are tempted to check up on him...something like, "I can stand on my own. I am worth more than this. He can't give me what I need, but I CAN and WILL give myself what I need! and it's not him!" Put it in your own words. Repeat over and over when the impulse arises. Stay with it, minute at a time if necessary. You will begin to see minute, each hour, each day, each week becomes easier and easier as you stick with it. If you lapse, you'll be starting over...but still do not give up on yourself! Thank you so much. i will continue with my no contact regime tomorrow and i will block his other fb account once it’s okay (Since i unblocked it 2 days ago, it says I need to wait.) I was actually hoping that he would ask me how i am that’s why im keeping that other account. I was actually wondering why he hasn’t blocked me on there maybe he knows i’ll contact him. but i’ll block it already… Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 11, 2021 Author Share Posted June 11, 2021 12 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This is not about the man. This is about you - this is your own distorted thinking, it shows where you are at in your own life, and this improves with counselling. “He” is simply how what is unhealthy in you is manifesting right now. There was a great comment made by another poster in another discussion this week that absolutely applies here - healthy people don’t invite unhealthy things into their lives. Fix what is not healthy in you right now, and he won’t matter anymore… Today, I went to the mall and got my nails done. It was okay. I want to be honest, that whenever I see him online on another account i feel okay cause i am thinking that he’s checking up on me or my account. but when I looked on the account today, the name was changed and pictures are placed. His real name and his photos. i was hurt.. i should stop this. i will block him already. thank you for being here always. i am in a really bad place right now Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 1 minute ago, vdsry said: I want to be honest, that whenever I see him online on another account i feel okay cause i am thinking that he’s checking up on me or my account. Like an addict looking for their next hit… Or someone with anxiety looking for reassurance that what they fear most won’t come to pass… You check on him online, and when you see him there you reassure yourself that he is still looking for you, still thinking of you - and you feel better. You need to find a better way to feel better. You need to learn how to reassure yourself - stop seeking to validate and reassure yourself through contact with this man. It’s not sustainable. And it’s not healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 11, 2021 Author Share Posted June 11, 2021 25 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Like an addict looking for their next hit… Or someone with anxiety looking for reassurance that what they fear most won’t come to pass… You check on him online, and when you see him there you reassure yourself that he is still looking for you, still thinking of you - and you feel better. You need to find a better way to feel better. You need to learn how to reassure yourself - stop seeking to validate and reassure yourself through contact with this man. It’s not sustainable. And it’s not healthy. Yes, this is true. I seriously don't know where to start again with my life since I was used to talking to him all the time for 10 months. That's the truth. But i will just treat everyday as small victories, 1 day no contact today, I messaged him earlier but I removed it immediately after sending. And I hope that tomorrow will be better... I can do this.. I need to. I have to. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 If he really does have NPD then beware eventual "hoovering" where he attempts to lure you back into interactions with him. Probably the last thing you need and it'll come "just when I thought I was making progress" or so many seem to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 11, 2021 Author Share Posted June 11, 2021 9 minutes ago, mark clemson said: If he really does have NPD then beware eventual "hoovering" where he attempts to lure you back into interactions with him. Probably the last thing you need and it'll come "just when I thought I was making progress" or so many seem to say. I don’t think he’ll hoover me again. He told me that he wants to fix his life and he doesnt wanr me anymore or think of me. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 ^^ ok, I suppose time will tell. Remember there is a "discard" before there can be a hoovering. But perhaps he was serious, who's to say. At any rate you're better off without him in you life. I was just giving a warning about what MIGHT happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 11, 2021 Author Share Posted June 11, 2021 12 minutes ago, mark clemson said: ^^ ok, I suppose time will tell. Remember there is a "discard" before there can be a hoovering. But perhaps he was serious, who's to say. At any rate you're better off without him in you life. I was just giving a warning about what MIGHT happen. Thank you Mark. I really appreciate it.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 12, 2021 Author Share Posted June 12, 2021 On my Day 2 of no contact today.. i hope everything will be better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 20 hours ago, vdsry said: i am in a really bad place right now But you have the power to get yourself out of it. All you have to do is block him & stay away. Yes, you will miss the good parts & you will hurt. But when you feel weak think about what a lying, cheating, mean snake he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) 20 hours ago, vdsry said: I was actually hoping that he would ask me how i am that’s why im keeping that other account. I was actually wondering why he hasn’t blocked me on there maybe he knows i’ll contact him. but i’ll block it already… When you're hoping he'll ask about you, that is you seeking validation from him that he cares or that you mean something...to HIM! That is the carrot he keeps holding in front of you, it's the power he holds over you. You can fix this by determining within yourself that his opinion no longer matters to you because he didn't value you the way you deserved in the first place. Only YOUR opinion of you matters, and YOU have to be the prime source of your own validation. You can do that by constantly reaffirming to yourself, in you're thoughts, choices and behaviors, that you are worth more and won't settle for less ever. That you will never again compromise yourself to be undervalued by another. It's possible he hasn't blocked you there because he enjoys the ego boost of knowing you are still seeking his validation. In that way, you have put him at a higher status than you've put yourself and his ego enjoys that. Stop feeding his ego and start feeding yours. Cut him out completely and focus on yourself. Find ways to give yourself what you need in self-care rituals. That could be a spa treatment, a very nice meal either that you make or buy out, a great workout at the gym, a spiritual retreat, an online meetup with interesting people, an indulgence on yourself. Do something that is loving towards yourself and makes you proud to be who you are. Maybe even review your accomplishments from before getting involved with him to remind yourself that you were winning before him and you'll be winning after him. Definitely block all contact going forward. Edited June 12, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 12, 2021 Author Share Posted June 12, 2021 8 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: When you're hoping he'll ask about you, that is you seeking validation from him that he cares or that you mean something...to HIM! That is the carrot he keeps holding in front of you, it's the power he holds over you. You can fix this by determining within yourself that his opinion no longer matters to you because he didn't value you the way you deserved in the first place. Only YOUR opinion of you matters, and YOU have to be the prime source of your own validation. You can do that by constantly reaffirming to yourself, in you're thoughts, choices and behaviors, that you are worth more and won't settle for less ever. That you will never again compromise yourself to be undervalued by another. It's possible he hasn't blocked you there because he enjoys the ego boost of knowing you are still seeking his validation. In that way, you have put him at a higher status than you've put yourself and his ego enjoys that. Stop feeding his ego and start feeding yours. Cut him out completely and focus on yourself. Find ways to give yourself what you need in self-care rituals. That could be a spa treatment, a very nice meal either that you make or buy out, a great workout at the gym, a spiritual retreat, an online meetup with interesting people, an indulgence on yourself. Do something that is loving towards yourself and makes you proud to be who you are. Maybe even review your accomplishments from before getting involved with him to remind yourself that you were winning before him and you'll be winning after him. Definitely block all contact going forward. I will block him one facebook lifted the block option. today was better. My family and I had a nice dinner and I will plan my day tomorrow thank you so much!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 3 hours ago, vdsry said: I will block him one facebook lifted the block option. today was better. My family and I had a nice dinner and I will plan my day tomorrow thank you so much!! One day at a time. Keep up the good work! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 Update: 3rd day of no contact today I still think about him but I think (i hope) my emotional thinking is lessened now… will go to the derma today.. Hoping that everything will turn out great today! ❤️ 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Good for you on day 3. Post here instead of contacting him. Go for a walk. Call a friend. You can break this cycle. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Good for you on day 3. Post here instead of contacting him. Go for a walk. Call a friend. You can break this cycle. Hang in there. Thank you Donnivain! So far, 3rd day went out great. went to the mall and derma and had a nice dinner with my family also still watching some HG tudor videos! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BiancaSW Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 I can relate and I know how you are feeling. I had an affair but in my case it was him who told his wife about us, not other way round. He blamed everything on me tho. That I made him to be with me and he never had feelings for me. it seems like your chap wanted to have his fiancé/kid in his life while having you on the side. So regardless of whether you have told her or not - the outcome would still be the same. i know you are beating yourself up now for telling her and thinking - what if I had never told her anything? Would he be with me? Would we still have a chance? It looks like he subconsciously stated what was on his mind anyway - that you are sadly just a mistress. He is angry because he got exposed, he is angry because the secret is over, he cannot control the situation anymore.. don’t beat yourself up too hard - it was his actions that lead to that situation, had he been honest and upfront with either her or yourself - things like that would have never happened! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 14, 2021 Author Share Posted June 14, 2021 26 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: I can relate and I know how you are feeling. I had an affair but in my case it was him who told his wife about us, not other way round. He blamed everything on me tho. That I made him to be with me and he never had feelings for me. it seems like your chap wanted to have his fiancé/kid in his life while having you on the side. So regardless of whether you have told her or not - the outcome would still be the same. i know you are beating yourself up now for telling her and thinking - what if I had never told her anything? Would he be with me? Would we still have a chance? It looks like he subconsciously stated what was on his mind anyway - that you are sadly just a mistress. He is angry because he got exposed, he is angry because the secret is over, he cannot control the situation anymore.. don’t beat yourself up too hard - it was his actions that lead to that situation, had he been honest and upfront with either her or yourself - things like that would have never happened! Hi Biance, you’re right. the first time i told the fiance he straight up told me that if didnt told her we would be this way or things wont be this hard. It was always my actions. he was a narc so it’s always the reaction but never the cause of that reaction. when i told the fiance the 2nd time he said that I betrayed his trust and there’s no chance for me to change.. Ive always thought that we are bound to end just because he never chose me. He just made me believe that he would choose me at first but as time goes by he told me that he would never choose me.. because he’s stressed or i am stressing the heck out of him. he was a narcissist so everything i do stresses him out. how are you now? I’m on my 4th day no contact. Although, not gonna lie im still stalking him on facebook while the block option isn’t lifted yet. But once it has been lifted, i’ll block him.. hope everything turn great for me today! Link to post Share on other sites
Author vdsry Posted June 14, 2021 Author Share Posted June 14, 2021 31 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: I can relate and I know how you are feeling. I had an affair but in my case it was him who told his wife about us, not other way round. He blamed everything on me tho. That I made him to be with me and he never had feelings for me. it seems like your chap wanted to have his fiancé/kid in his life while having you on the side. So regardless of whether you have told her or not - the outcome would still be the same. i know you are beating yourself up now for telling her and thinking - what if I had never told her anything? Would he be with me? Would we still have a chance? It looks like he subconsciously stated what was on his mind anyway - that you are sadly just a mistress. He is angry because he got exposed, he is angry because the secret is over, he cannot control the situation anymore.. don’t beat yourself up too hard - it was his actions that lead to that situation, had he been honest and upfront with either her or yourself - things like that would have never happened! He told me that he’s done being mad. Imagine i said sorry for exposing it to the fiance but you know i never received a sorry for what he said to me or what he has done to me.. 4 days ago i was pushing for us to still make it work but he keeps on pushing me away.. i thought to myself “what the heck in this relationship is making me stay? What do i gain in this? Does this make me happy? No.” The relationship is giving me anxiety all the time for I have to check on him when he’s not texting me, or forgetting about me. I always remind him of the things that bothers me and i dont get the explanation or even the comfort from him. He makes everything worst. I wish that one day when I wake up, i’ll feel okay. Unbothered and just happy. At peace. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, vdsry said: when i told the fiance the 2nd time he said that I betrayed his trust and there’s no chance for me to change.. Isn't it interesting that he expects fidelity from you while he offers none in return? Just saying... 💗 Edited June 14, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel Typo Link to post Share on other sites
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