I exposed everything to his fiance

[torn_heart]

Hi @vdsry  

How are you doing? Have you been able to keep the NC?

Edited June 15, 2021 by torn_heart

[vdsry]

Update:

Hi guys,

To tell you honestly, I kept contact with him.

When he called me saying that he missed me and love me. I was gullible enough to believe him. I thought to myself, “maybe things are going to be different, maybe he realizes my value and worth.” 
I was wrong.

i know you guys are disappointed. I am disappointed with myself too.

Imagine the love the you have been wanting from that man, for him to say that he miss you and love you because you feel the same way.

We met that day and ofcourse we had sex. Maybe you guys are right, it’s just the sex that he wants something that could just satisfy him on that day.

The next days I started talking to him again and demanding him of his time and effort to update me or let me know things. That’s when he started to act up again.

I was wrong and I am so disappointed in myself. I know something’s wrong with me. But how can you teach you heart and your feelings to unlove someone? Someone you treated genuine. Your genuine love and care. 
Can you unlearn that?

i am disappointed with myself because I keep on pushing on things to happen. When all the signs are wrong. Everything is tragic and you just have to accept. 

I wanted my power back just to give it to him again. That’s the real thing.

I am sorry.

I don’t know right now. 
I am desperate. I am desperate for his love and attention when all he wants is just to use me. And I’m so stupid for letting him do that.

This should stop. 
I should.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, vdsry said:

We met that day and ofcourse we had sex. Maybe you guys are right, it’s just the sex that he wants something that could just satisfy him on that day.

The next days I started talking to him again and demanding him of his time and effort to update me or let me know things. That’s when he started to act up again.

What you need and want is a boyfriend, what you have is a MM, they are NOT the same.
All your angst, distress and upset is due to that simple fact.
Nothing will change, you either learn to accept what he IS offering you or you give up and walk away.

You tried to manipulate the situation by contacting his fiancée, but it didn't work as you planned.
Now he is offering you much less, and you are going to have to accept it, if you want him to stick around.
This is how it often pans out in affairs .
He realises he has you by the short and curlies, you cannot leave as you love him too much.
However he now has to manage the increased risks of keeping you around, as you have proved you are a loose cannon..
He sees you less and only for what he needs and you learn to accept it.

He carries on happily with his life with 2 women, one as his legit partner and one as his sidekick, i.e. you.
You however grow increasingly dissatisfied as you always want "more".
The realisation will eventually dawn that there is no way for you to get "more".

[vdsry]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

What you need and want is a boyfriend, what you have is a MM, they are NOT the same.
All your angst, distress and upset is due to that simple fact.
Nothing will change, you either learn to accept what he IS offering you or you give up and walk away.

You tried to manipulate the situation by contacting his fiancée, but it didn't work as you planned.
Now he is offering you much less, and you are going to have to accept it, if you want him to stick around.
This is how it often pans out in affairs .
He realises he has you by the short and curlies, you cannot leave as you love him too much.
However he now has to manage the increased risks of keeping you around, as you have proved you are a loose cannon..
He sees you less and only for what he needs and you learn to accept it.

He carries on happily with his life with 2 women, one as his legit partner and one as his sidekick, i.e. you.
You however grow increasingly dissatisfied as you always want "more".
The realisation will eventually dawn that there is no way for you to get "more".

I hate to say this but you are right…

i dont know what’s happening. I am worthless I feel stupid and worthless.

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, vdsry said:

dont know what’s happening. I am worthless I feel stupid and worthless.

Your ego is bruised.
You tried to blow up his relationship and make him choose you, but he didn't choose you and that is upsetting.
You feel less than, you feel worthless as it appears he only wants you for sex and few women want to be in that situation.

Women in general want to be adored by their man, they want to be #1 in his life.
They don't usually  want to play second fiddle to the woman he has just made it plain, he wants to keep in his life.
You tried, and failed to oust her, you lost. You thought him coming back meant you were important to him, only to find you aren't.
No wonder you are downcast and disappointed.
BUT clever people learn from their mistakes they don't keep doing the same things with the same results.

Married and attached men are usually looking for fun, sex, excitement, a diversion, a pal, a shoulder to cry on -  whatever?
They are not looking for a replacement wife/gf/partner.
Learn that lesson well and choose a better path to follow.

[Aether]

This is disappointing, not only for you, but for us too, especially since you KNOW that he is incapable of love.  You will never have it because he cannot feel it!  You actually know this, but for some reason you're expecting a different result now?!  He doesn't even love his wife or children, because he can't love!  Why are you doing this to yourself?

Please please find some of your self respect again, even if just enough to keep you away for long enough to see things clearly.  Once you're there you will actually WANT to stay away.

 

[vdsry]

4 minutes ago, Aether said:

This is disappointing, not only for you, but for us too, especially since you KNOW that he is incapable of love.  You will never have it because he cannot feel it!  You actually know this, but for some reason you're expecting a different result now?!  He doesn't even love his wife or children, because he can't love!  Why are you doing this to yourself?

Please please find some of your self respect again, even if just enough to keep you away for long enough to see things clearly.  Once you're there you will actually WANT to stay away.

 

I feel disappointed. I feel bruised. AGAIN.

it feels like im in an endless loop of delusion. When it comes to him i become so weak…

Now, I seriously dont know where to start since we have been in contact again.

I hate this. I hate my life..

I am not this person.

when i look at myself in the mirror… i don’t know who I am anymore. 
i took my power back just to give it to him again….

I’m barely hanging on. 

[Aether]

21 minutes ago, vdsry said:

I feel disappointed. I feel bruised. AGAIN.

it feels like im in an endless loop of delusion. When it comes to him i become so weak…

Now, I seriously dont know where to start since we have been in contact again.

I hate this. I hate my life..

I am not this person.

when i look at myself in the mirror… i don’t know who I am anymore. 
i took my power back just to give it to him again….

I’m barely hanging on. 

Then you desperately need tangible, urgent help from someone in your real life.  Go to your doctor, call your counsellor, call a helpline and do it now.  I don't think you did take your power back, you just had a day where you felt more empowered, stronger, possibly you were angry that day? It doesn't last, you will be all over the place for a while and nowhere near stable.  A few days is not long enough for that, try a few months and then you might start to feel/see change (in yourself).  We start with baby steps, as you have, but you need help from someone in your life, you need distractions.  I'm lucky in that I have a best friend who will listen to all the things I have to say with patience, she doesn't judge or give advice, that is priceless.  I know how lucky I am to have her, if you have someone who can do that for you then lean on them.

 

[pepperbird2]

6 hours ago, vdsry said:

Update:

Hi guys,

To tell you honestly, I kept contact with him.

When he called me saying that he missed me and love me. I was gullible enough to believe him. I thought to myself, “maybe things are going to be different, maybe he realizes my value and worth.” 
I was wrong.

i know you guys are disappointed. I am disappointed with myself too.

Imagine the love the you have been wanting from that man, for him to say that he miss you and love you because you feel the same way.

We met that day and ofcourse we had sex. Maybe you guys are right, it’s just the sex that he wants something that could just satisfy him on that day.

The next days I started talking to him again and demanding him of his time and effort to update me or let me know things. That’s when he started to act up again.

I was wrong and I am so disappointed in myself. I know something’s wrong with me. But how can you teach you heart and your feelings to unlove someone? Someone you treated genuine. Your genuine love and care. 
Can you unlearn that?

i am disappointed with myself because I keep on pushing on things to happen. When all the signs are wrong. Everything is tragic and you just have to accept. 

I wanted my power back just to give it to him again. That’s the real thing.

I am sorry.

I don’t know right now. 
I am desperate. I am desperate for his love and attention when all he wants is just to use me. And I’m so stupid for letting him do that.

This should stop. 
I should.

You can't turn off the love, but you can take steps forward towards a life that doesn't involve him. Even if all you can do right now is take it minute by minute, that will soon become hour by hour and then day by day.

i know it may not be easy due to covid, but is there any way you can take some time away, just for yourself, in a place where you feel clam and relaxed? Leave your phone at home ( or at least turned off) and the same goes for other ways you'd communicate with him. Make that time away all about you. Do things that make you happy- find yourself again. You were doing okay before this man came along, and you'll do okay once he's gone. In fact, you may even come out the other side a happier, more grounded person. You'll know what you will and won't accept from a relationship, and you'll have shown yourself an inner strength you never knew you had.

You can walk away towards new and better things, head held high.

[vdsry]

1 hour ago, Aether said:

Then you desperately need tangible, urgent help from someone in your real life.  Go to your doctor, call your counsellor, call a helpline and do it now.  I don't think you did take your power back, you just had a day where you felt more empowered, stronger, possibly you were angry that day? It doesn't last, you will be all over the place for a while and nowhere near stable.  A few days is not long enough for that, try a few months and then you might start to feel/see change (in yourself).  We start with baby steps, as you have, but you need help from someone in your life, you need distractions.  I'm lucky in that I have a best friend who will listen to all the things I have to say with patience, she doesn't judge or give advice, that is priceless.  I know how lucky I am to have her, if you have someone who can do that for you then lean on them.

 

I did took my power back. I was happy when he came back hoovering me. I just hope that i kept the NC and didn't reply or meet up with him.. 

And because of what I did, i don't feel good again. 

My progress is back to 0%.

[vdsry]

11 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

You can't turn off the love, but you can take steps forward towards a life that doesn't involve him. Even if all you can do right now is take it minute by minute, that will soon become hour by hour and then day by day.

i know it may not be easy due to covid, but is there any way you can take some time away, just for yourself, in a place where you feel clam and relaxed? Leave your phone at home ( or at least turned off) and the same goes for other ways you'd communicate with him. Make that time away all about you. Do things that make you happy- find yourself again. You were doing okay before this man came along, and you'll do okay once he's gone. In fact, you may even come out the other side a happier, more grounded person. You'll know what you will and won't accept from a relationship, and you'll have shown yourself an inner strength you never knew you had.

You can walk away towards new and better things, head held high.

I will try again.. 

HOpefully this time, It'll work. I feel really sad and used because I believed in everything he said again. 

That he loves me, miss me or whatever. But he used that just to use me for sex. 

It hurts so much.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, vdsry said:

But how can you teach you heart and your feelings to unlove someone?

If it’s a choice between your brain and your heart - use your brain. 

In time, your heart will follow. But for now, you need to ignore your feelings and use your brain when you make decisions. 

They are just feelings - that’s the beautiful thing, with time, feelings pass. 

[pepperbird2]

3 minutes ago, vdsry said:

I will try again.. 

HOpefully this time, It'll work. I feel really sad and used because I believed in everything he said again. 

That he loves me, miss me or whatever. But he used that just to use me for sex. 

It hurts so much.

He's jackass par excellence for making you feel this way. You may not be able to turn off your feelings, but you can control how you act on them.

Like I said just take it a little bit at a time. Do what you can manage. Don't beat yourself up if your mind and heart wander back to him. Some view this type of relationship as an addiction. Is there anyone in "the real world" who you can go to for strength and support instead on contacting him?

 

[BaileyB]

Note OP - not a single person has said a word in judgment of you for this decision. The only person who has done that is you. 

Rather, people have posted on how you can more forward, to make a different decision for yourself and leave this man behind. 

I hope you can learn to do the same. 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, vdsry said:

I will try again.. 

HOpefully this time, It'll work. I feel really sad and used because I believed in everything he said again. 

That he loves me, miss me or whatever. But he used that just to use me for sex. 

It hurts so much.

Just dust yourself off and try again. 

It's a process, so don't beat yourself up too much over it. It hurts and sometimes, we just get tired of hurting so we go back to what hurt us to get a moment's relief. Going forward, try to make a plan on what you can do when you feel that way. Have a game plan so you don't run back to him for that fix. Because it not only makes it worse, it prolongs it. Sooner or later, you will get tired of giving him the satisfaction. When you truly walk away, you will feel so strong! You got this. 

[Aether]

1 hour ago, vdsry said:

I did took my power back. I was happy when he came back hoovering me. I just hope that i kept the NC and didn't reply or meet up with him.. 

And because of what I did, i don't feel good again. 

My progress is back to 0%.

That's what I'm saying though, if you'd been in your power you wouldn't have allowed him to hoover you.  I think we can kid ourselves into thinking we can handle it all, we're feeling a little bit better, we know we didn't deserve it etc.  Saying no is hard, but it is possible.  It will feel crap for a while and you'll wonder if it was for the best but eventually you will actually start to feel better, you'll see things clearer and realise that you didn't have it all under control after all, but now? When you've reached that point? Oh yes, now you're back, now you're remembering who you used to be.

You need to remember who you were before and be that again, not exactly the same, you can't be that person again ever, but you can be an even better version of it.

Please block him @vdsry, don't allow him to do this to you again.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, vdsry said:

But how can you teach you heart and your feelings to unlove someone?

Gently:  do you love him or are you just addicted via intermittent reinforcement, which is present in every affair?

I am sure you will say you love him, so tell us it is you love about him. Is it his character?  His morals?  Him being there for you whenever you need him?  How he treats others? 

What are the tangible qualities you love about him?

[torn_heart]

41 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Gently:  do you love him or are you just addicted via intermittent reinforcement, which is present in every affair?

I am sure you will say you love him, so tell us it is you love about him. Is it his character?  His morals?  Him being there for you whenever you need him?  How he treats others? 

What are the tangible qualities you love about him?

She can't answer that until she has cleared her mind TBH. Right now she is like an addict, so it's not a good time.

[mark clemson]

Sounds very much like you are caught up in the head-f*ck cycle of narcissistic relationship idealization-devaluing-discarding that they are so well known for.

Once you can detach completely you'll be ok (if you can resist hoovering) but you'll have to get to that point first.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/11/2021 at 11:44 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

This is exactly what I was saying about the 'hot stove.' You looked at the messenger, saw what he was doing, and got hurt. 

You have to cut ALL of it. Make a mantra for yourself to repeat anytime you are tempted to check up on him...something like, "I can stand on my own. I am worth more than this. He can't give me what I need, but I CAN and WILL give myself what I need! and it's not him!"  Put it in your own words. Repeat over and over when the impulse arises. 

Stay with it, minute at a time if necessary. You will begin to see minute, each hour, each day, each week becomes easier and easier as you stick with it. 

If you lapse, you'll be starting over...but still do not give up on yourself!

 

[vdsry]

Hello guys,

First of all, I want to thank you all for the wonderful advices. As of now, I am in an unknown state. I gave myself an ultimatum today. I reached out to him to talk to me and I got no response. We talked yesterday and he told me, that we should stay friends since I dont understand anything. 
I was hurt ofcourse, I won’t lie.

Today is the last day I’ll contact him. To be honest, you guys are right. 
I can’t block him because I am waiting for a hoover for me to validate myself. For me to know that, “oh, he still thinks of me.”

But I realized that, he will never change the way he sees me or treat me for he is like that already. Adding up to that is the self worth I am giving myself. I’m at 0% right now. But everyday I have the chance to give even the lowest percent to my self worth. 
Every percentage still counts.

I am in an unstabilized state of mind right now. I still don’t know where to start. I don’t know if no contact for the 2nd time still works but I am willing to try again. Hopefully, this time I won’t make a mistake. 

Looking at myself earlier, after I sent a dozen of email, messages and tried calling him.

I look like a worthless piece of stone. A pathetic trash.

And I don’t want to look like this anymore.

I will step my game up, moving forward.

To tell you guys honestly, I have very few friends. Some of them are just busy with their own lives and has their own problems to deal with that’s why I dont bother them too much.

But this platform is amazing, I appreciate everyone of you. Thank you guys so much. From the bottom of my heart, thank you guys so much.. 

I CAN DO THIS. AND IF YOU’RE IN THE SAME SHITSHOW LIKE ME. WE CAN DO THIS.

[vdsry]

Hi, it’s my day 1 of no contact again.

I hope i make it. Or just as simple as survive this day.

i have lots of thoughts right now. I feel weak.

I hope there’s an end to this feeling. 

[torn_heart]

13 minutes ago, vdsry said:

Hi, it’s my day 1 of no contact again.

I hope i make it. Or just as simple as survive this day.

i have lots of thoughts right now. I feel weak.

I hope there’s an end to this feeling. 

Be strong. Lot of us are in the same boat. If you need it, post here. 

[vdsry]

31 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Be strong. Lot of us are in the same boat. If you need it, post here. 

I appreciate it.. thank you. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

Be strong. Lot of us are in the same boat. If you need it, post here. 

With respect, you are not in the same boat,
You are a MM who is messing with the lives of two women, as you are too scared to make the decision to dump at least one of them for good.
You have more in common with her MM, than you have with the OP...