I exposed everything to his fiance

[vdsry]

Hello,

i am really desperate right now I dont know what im feeling. I have been having an affair with a man who has a fiance and kid and is diagnosed with NPD for almost 9 months.

i have already told his fiance of our affair 2 months ago since I think that that’s the way to end it because i cannot end it just wanting to end it. I feel like i want him to hurt.

and last night while we were together he told me so many bad things and called me names and told me that im just his mistress and out of anger i called his fiance and told her again.

earlier this morning after everything that happened i still said my sorry and asked for forgiveness to the both of them.. i dont know why..

And now I cant move im in bed grieving, missing him.

i dont know what to friggin do. Please i need some help

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, vdsry said:

I have been having an affair with a man who is diagnosed with NPD

First problem. 

11 minutes ago, vdsry said:

last night while we were together he told me so many bad things and called me names

Second problem, this kind of behavior is not acceptable - ever. 

11 minutes ago, vdsry said:

i called his fiance and told her again.

Third problem, you’ve told her twice and it hasn’t worked out for you. 

It’s time to move on. Stay, and you will continue to go around in this very toxic relationship with a man who has a diagnosed personality disorder. Or, you can get up, brush your teeth, make some coffee, and find something to do with yourself today - call a friend, go for a walk, clean your house... whatever. It’s your choice - either you want this drama in your life or you don’t. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[vdsry]

@BaileyB i have been nothing but amazing to him for for the last 6 months that’s where his real colors has shown. 
thank you so much for replying… i really dont know why im grieving. I even emailed him that I hope he’s okay im so stupid..

[vdsry]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

First problem. 

Second problem, this kind of behavior is not acceptable - ever. 

Third problem, you’ve told her twice and it hasn’t worked out for you. 

It’s time to move on. Stay, and you will continue to go around in this very toxic relationship with a man who has a diagnosed personality disorder. Or, you can get up, brush your teeth, make some coffee, and find something to do with yourself today - call a friend, go for a walk, clean your house... whatever. It’s your choice - either you want this drama in your life or you don’t. 

Thank you so much for replying.. i have been nothing but amazing to him i always understand him but he never does the same to me.. I love him so much that I never thought about myself in this process.. i want to forget about him. I dont know why im grieving and missing him even if he treats me so bad. I even emailed him hoping he’s okay…. Im so sad.

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, vdsry said:

i have been nothing but amazing to him i always understand him but he never does the same to me.. I love him so much that I never thought about myself in this process

Forth problem. 

If he has NPD, it doesn’t matter how amazing you have been - if you will give, he will take. 

“Love” isn’t losing yourself in a relationship. It isn’t giving so much of yourself to another person that you have nothing left. It isn’t calling each other names, feeling so angry that you want the other person to hurt - none of that is “love.”

And just because you have feelings of “love” for the man, it doesn’t mean that you need to put yourself in a toxic and unhealthy situation. You can, and you should, love him from afar. 

You have some thinking to do my dear, and it’s not “I miss him so much. How can I get him back and keep this toxic mess going...” Rather, you should be thinking about why you chose this man and this toxic mess of a “relationship” for yourself. 

[BaileyB]

Sorry for the tough love. Its not really what you were seeking and I don’t want to dismiss your feelings.

But, if you look at this objectively, you really have to wonder what the heck you are thinking. Take a step back, and with some time and distance I hope you will see it for yourself too...

[vdsry]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Forth problem. 

If he has NPD, it doesn’t matter how amazing you have been - if you will give, he will take. 

“Love” isn’t losing yourself in a relationship. It isn’t giving so much of yourself to another person that you have nothing left. It isn’t calling each other names, feeling so angry that you want the other person to hurt - none of that is “love.”

And just because you have feelings of “love” for the man, it doesn’t mean that you need to put yourself in a toxic and unhealthy situation. You can, and you should, love him from afar. 

You have some thinking to do my dear, and it’s not “I miss him so much. How can I get him back and keep this toxic mess going...” Rather, you should be thinking about why you chose this man and this toxic mess of a “relationship” for yourself. 

I hate to say this but I aggree with you. I really dont know. Before I met him I was single and really happy for almost 3 years. He came into my life unexpected and treated me the way I want to be treated. Like a princess, they say.

but after the happiness, comes the sadness.

I am not afraid to hear the truth sometimes I ask my self. Why am I accepting this situation? I think so low of myself now. I feel pathetic.

After the phone call I had with his fiance last night, I felt like they were teaming up on me. Calling me crazy even if I sent all the screenshots. The situation turned on me. 
He told his fiance that I am crazy and I am having suicidal thoughts that’s why he went to me.

I cant help but just cry.

 

[vdsry]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry for the tough love. Its not really what you were seeking and I don’t want to dismiss your feelings.

But, if you look at this objectively, you really have to wonder what the heck you are thinking. Take a step back, and with some time and distance I hope you will see it for yourself too...

I understand. Thank you so so so much.

i really dont get it why I said my sorrys to the man even if he doesn’t deserve it AT ALL.

i asked for forgiveness to his fiance. And she’s speaks so calmly. I dont know how she does it..

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, vdsry said:

I think so low of myself now. I feel pathetic.

That won’t change as long as you stay in this situation. But, if you were happy before, you will find it again if you can find the strength to walk away from this man. It is the standard answer around here, but you may want to consider counselling if possible. If you were in a good spot before this, I don’t know that it would even take long. But, it sounds like you have some learning to do here and are in need of a little “reset.” 

29 minutes ago, vdsry said:

He came into my life unexpected and treated me the way I want to be treated. Like a princess, they say.

Around here, this is called “love bombing.” It fits with the diagnosis of NPD - people tend to have thoughts of grandiosity and this may well be reflected in their behavior. In this respect, he drew you in but as you discovered, what attracted you to him was a fantasy. The reality is the sadness and desperation that you are feeling this weekend. Do you know anything about NPD? It’s not uncommon for others to be used and left feeling rather bereft in the wake...

29 minutes ago, vdsry said:

After the phone call I had with his fiance last night, I felt like they were teaming up on me. Calling me crazy even if I sent all the screenshots. The situation turned on me. 

This is your cue to get out fast! She is his primary relationship. You called to tell her, expecting what? That she would leave him for the cheating scumbag that he is - so that you could have him? First, you had done that before and it didn’t happen. This is no different. Learn from that. And second, why would you want him? 

The man who treated you like a princess does not exist. That’s a hard thing to accept, but it is the only way you can more forward. He was a fantasy. The man who teamed up with his girlfriend to hurt you last night - that’s who he really is. As Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they really are, believe them.” 

You need to let go of the fantasy and take steps to get away from these people ASAP. Find a distraction - whether that is a friend or family member, or clean your house, or keep posting here. Block him from your phone so you are not tempted to contact him again. Loose his number.  And, consider counselling... you will need to develop some coping skills to help you through this time and you really need to examine why you allowed yourself to get so involved in this very toxic situation. Best wishes. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[vdsry]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That won’t change as long as you stay in this situation. But, if you were happy before, you will find it again if you can find the strength to walk away from this man. It is the standard answer around here, but you may want to consider counselling if possible. If you were in a good spot before this, I don’t know that it would even take long. But, it sounds like you have some learning to do here and are in need of a little “reset.” 

Around here, this is called “love bombing.” It fits with the diagnosis of NPD - people tend to have thoughts of grandiosity and this may well be reflected in their behavior. In this respect, he drew you in but as you discovered, what attracted you to him was a fantasy. The reality is the sadness and desperation that you are feeling this weekend. Do you know anything about NPD? It’s not uncommon for others to be used and left feeling rather bereft in the wake...

This is your cue to get out fast! She is his primary relationship. You called to tell her, expecting what? That she would leave him for the cheating scumbag that he is - so that you could have him? First, you had done that before and it didn’t happen. This is no different. Learn from that. And second, why would you want him? 

The man who treated you like a princess does not exist. That’s a hard thing to accept, but it is the only way you can more forward. He was a fantasy. The man who teamed up with his girlfriend to hurt you last night - that’s who he really is. As Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they really are, believe them.” 

You need to let go of the fantasy and take steps to get away from these people ASAP. Find a distraction - whether that is a friend or family member, or clean your house, or keep posting here. Block him from your phone so you are not tempted to contact him again. Loose his number.  And, consider counselling... you will need to develop some coping skills to help you through this time and you really need to examine why you allowed yourself to get so involved in this very toxic situation. Best wishes. 

Thank you so much whoever you are. You make me feel okay… Thank you thank you so much. I have no words. I don’t want to mention anything to my friends or family because I feel like they won’t understand me. 
And yes, that is the last time I will be contacting him.

the last email I sent was “I hope you’re okay.”

yes I know about NPD I have been listening about it for a couple of weeks now.

My thoughts about him and the fiance is “would they be happy together?” “now that I’m gone” 

I know that it’s not my position to think about that. But I do hope the girl opens her eyes and mind about him.. not for my sake but for hers.

I have been really stressed out, I’m still in bed and I don’t know what to do. It’s like my energy is completely sucked out…

Thank you so so much!!

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, vdsry said:

My thoughts about him and the fiance is “would they be happy together?” “now that I’m gone” 

I know that it’s not my position to think about that. But I do hope the girl opens her eyes and mind about him.. not for my sake but for hers.

As you say, whether they are or are not happy is not your concern. The only person that you control is yourself. Whether they decide to stay together or not or their decision. Whether you decide to stay involved in this unhealthy triad is your decision. 

I am less concerned about her than I am about you. 

Is it likely that they will live happily ever after - probably not. After all, he has NPD and he is cheating on her before they even marry - what do you think the odds are that they will have 2.3 children, a home with a white picket fence, and grow old together? 

28 minutes ago, vdsry said:

I have been really stressed out, I’m still in bed and I don’t know what to do. It’s like my energy is completely sucked out…

I hear you. When I feel this way, I hear my mother’s voice in my head... she would say, “shower and get dressed (put on your favourite outfit because, when you look good you feel good). And, just find one thing to do today that will bring you joy! Do that. You are allowed to feel sad and you are allowed to wallow - but don’t stay there. Get dressed, change your scenery if you can (even by going for a long walk). Cry it out. And, try to do something that will bring you joy - whether that is going to Starbucks, ordering your favourite takeout, watching your favourite movie, calling a friend, having a nap. 

Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I could help. Believe it or not, I needed that today too.

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[vdsry]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

As you say, whether they are or are not happy is not your concern. The only person that you control is yourself. Whether they decide to stay together or not or their decision. Whether you decide to stay involved in this unhealthy triad is your decision. 

I am less concerned about her than I am about you. 

Is it likely that they will live happily ever after - probably not. After all, he has NPD and he is cheating on her before they even marry - what do you think the odds are that they will have 2.3 children, a home with a white picket fence, and grow old together? 

I hear you. When I feel this way, I hear my mother’s voice in my head... she would say, “shower and get dressed (put on your favourite outfit because, when you look good you feel good). And, just find one thing to do today that will bring you joy! Do that. You are allowed to feel sad and you are allowed to wallow - but don’t stay there. Get dressed, change your scenery if you can (even by going for a long walk). Cry it out. And, try to do something that will bring you joy - whether that is going to Starbucks, ordering your favourite takeout, watching your favourite movie, calling a friend, having a nap. 

Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I could help. Believe it or not, I needed that today too.

I am actually suprised that forums do work.. this is amazing. I cannot believe that a girl would talk to me about how I feel right now..

what i think about is this I have been through a lot in the past.. and I know that whatever happens, I can and will be okay.

I may love the man and the girl must love her too.. But as you say, he is the one with the problem for he doesn’t value anyone or anything.

Just to let you know that man has 5 kids

2 on the first wife which is now annuled, 1 on the second partner, 1 on the third partner and 1 on his fiance now.

When I first met him, i thought to myself. Wow, how poor is this guy that he hasn’t experienced true love. But little did I know that he has that disorder when I looked through his annulment paper I saw that he was diagnosed with NPD. I asked the fiance about that and asked if she knew and said yes cause she went through the papers also. That’s why also he has many partners in the past.

I felt like I was abused but I chose to be treated this way I chose this situation. And as he’s saying that to me, he said to me last night “You know what you’ve gotten yourself into. You’re just the other woman” and that triggered the hell out of me.

Thank you for being with me and for talking to me. Oh gosh, this is such a relief…

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, vdsry said:

told me that im just his mistress and out of anger i called his fiance and told her again.

You seem to have a  poor comprehension of what an affair is.
Of course you are just the mistress, what did you think you were?

Too many women get involved in affairs and think they are singles dating.
He will leave his wife/gf/fiancée/long term partner for me and all will be hunky dory.
BUT WRONG!.
Many men  are not in affairs because they want a replacement for their wife/gf/fiancée/long term partner, they are in affairs for "extra", they have no intention of leaving.

Here you thought you could oust the fiancée, by telling her, but they closed ranks on you.

This is not necessarily an NPD issue, it is an affair issue.

[vdsry]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You seem to have a  poor comprehension of what an affair is.
Of course you are just the mistress, what did you think you were?

Too many women get involved in affairs and think they are singles dating.
He will leave his wife/gf/fiancée/long term partner for me and all will be hunky dory.
BUT WRONG!.
Many men  are not in affairs because they want a replacement for their wife/gf/fiancée/long term partner, they are in affairs for "extra", they have no intention of leaving.

Here you thought you could oust the fiancée, by telling her, but they closed ranks on you.

This is not necessarily an NPD issue, it is an affair issue.

I hear you completely.

The NPD issue came up because he treated me differently months before. And I completely understand why it’s like this now.

I agree that I called the woman to let her know about us not to have the man completely mine but to let her know the situation completely and to let her know that it still happening. I know that you might think the other way but I hope you understand that I have been hurt and has been emotionally abused.

I know that this is an affair issue but its completely different when you’re dealing with a person who has NPD.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Appreciate it.

[vdsry]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You seem to have a  poor comprehension of what an affair is.
Of course you are just the mistress, what did you think you were?

Too many women get involved in affairs and think they are singles dating.
He will leave his wife/gf/fiancée/long term partner for me and all will be hunky dory.
BUT WRONG!.
Many men  are not in affairs because they want a replacement for their wife/gf/fiancée/long term partner, they are in affairs for "extra", they have no intention of leaving.

Here you thought you could oust the fiancée, by telling her, but they closed ranks on you.

This is not necessarily an NPD issue, it is an affair issue.

Also, he promised me 3 months ago (cause we tried living in the same house while his fiance is on another location) that he will leave his fiance because he doesn’t love her anymore.

i know that so stupid of me to believe but ofcourse I’m just relying on everything that he has been saying to me because I trust him.

And to be honest, everything completely changed.

and that’s on me. That’s because I let it affect me this way. I loved him SO much. That I forgot about myself and my reputation.

 

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, vdsry said:

Just to let you know that man has 5 kids

Problem five. Run - don’t walk - away from this guy. 

29 minutes ago, vdsry said:

what i think about is this I have been through a lot in the past.. and I know that whatever happens, I can and will be okay.

Whatever happens, you will be ok. This is very true. You don’t need this man. Whoever you chose to be a part of your life will be there because he brings something to make your life better. This guy doesn’t bring anything to your life except drama, child care responsibilities (assuming that he is involved in the lives of his children), and financial insecurity (assuming that he is paying the child support he owes these children). You don’t need this. You can let this go and you will be ok because you are resilient (that’s what you say in this quote) and you know that life goes on... this is just one chapter in your book. Turn the page. 

You will be ok - assuming you don’t get pregnant with baby number six. Seriously. You don’t want this to be your life. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, vdsry said:

Just to let you know that man has 5 kids

2 on the first wife which is now annuled, 1 on the second partner, 1 on the third partner and 1 on his fiance now.

When I first met him, i thought to myself. Wow, how poor is this guy that he hasn’t experienced true love.

Women do this far too often, they ignore the warning signs. They believe that they will be the one to offer him that which has been missing. They believe that their relationship will be different because they will love him like he has never been loved before... Poor guy, he was just unlucky and unloved in the past. 

Wrong. He’s had too much love, that’s the problem. He’s not capable of maintaining a stable long term relationship, that’s the problem. These women may not have heeded the warning signs, but you will - right? 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[anika99]

5 hours ago, vdsry said:

I hear you completely.

The NPD issue came up because he treated me differently months before. And I completely understand why it’s like this now.

I agree that I called the woman to let her know about us not to have the man completely mine but to let her know the situation completely and to let her know that it still happening. I know that you might think the other way but I hope you understand that I have been hurt and has been emotionally abused.

I know that this is an affair issue but its completely different when you’re dealing with a person who has NPD.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Appreciate it.

[ ]  Anyone who cheats on their partner on an ongoing basis has got some serious issues. Anyone who thinks lying, deception and living a double life is an acceptable way to live needs professional help. Cheaters are not healthy and not a good catch regardless of having NPD or not. It's not like you'd be walking into the sunset with this guy if he didn't have NPD

Edited June 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
dubious claim

[dramafreezone]

This entire thing is extremely toxic.

This is more about you actually.  You can say he has NPD or whatever but that's not your job to diagnose of fix him.  It's not his fault you keep going back to him when you know how toxic of a person he is.  Someone like him can only hurt those who are vulnerable.  This is not love, it's co-dependency.

So until you fix your vulnerability nothing will change.  If it's not him it'll be someone else.

Edited June 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Starswillshine]

This man has 5 kids and 4 different baby mommas? He is the problem he hasn't found love, not these women. Nor you. You need to find out why you ignored these red flags. That way moving forward you can recognize them before engaging. 

[vdsry]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Problem five. Run - don’t walk - away from this guy. 

Whatever happens, you will be ok. This is very true. You don’t need this man. Whoever you chose to be a part of your life will be there because he brings something to make your life better. This guy doesn’t bring anything to your life except drama, child care responsibilities (assuming that he is involved in the lives of his children), and financial insecurity (assuming that he is paying the child support he owes these children). You don’t need this. You can let this go and you will be ok because you are resilient (that’s what you say in this quote) and you know that life goes on... this is just one chapter in your book. Turn the page. 

You will be ok - assuming you don’t get pregnant with baby number six. Seriously. You don’t want this to be your life. 

Yes. I hear you. Completely.

I am just thinking that I dodged a bullet.

A bullet that will end my beautiful life.

Thank you so much for the kind words ❤️❤️❤️

[vdsry]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Women do this far too often, they ignore the warning signs. They believe that they will be the one to offer him that which has been missing. They believe that their relationship will be different because they will love him like he has never been loved before... Poor guy, he was just unlucky and unloved in the past. 

Wrong. He’s had too much love, that’s the problem. He’s not capable of maintaining a stable long term relationship, that’s the problem. These women may not have heeded the warning signs, but you will - right? 

I will not message him again. And will start doing the no contact. I know that this will be the best for me..

I just wish the one day I will wake up having no feelings for him. Just at peace. with myself.

 

[vdsry]

5 hours ago, anika99 said:

Anyone who cheats on their partner on an ongoing basis has got some serious issues. Anyone who thinks lying, deception and living a double life is an acceptable way to live needs professional help. Cheaters are not healthy and not a good catch regardless of having NPD or not. It's not like you'd be walking into the sunset with this guy if he didn't have NPD

You know what he told me before that he was really manipulating. he knows himself better than we do or I do. 
i just thought that there’s a way for him to change. But I was wrong. 
maybe his fiance was wrong also.

Edited June 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, vdsry said:

I just wish the one day I will wake up having no feelings for him. Just at peace. with myself.

You will. Give it time. 

Keep reading this discussion and make a list of all the things that are wrong here - and it may happen much sooner than you would think.

[vdsry]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

This entire thing is extremely toxic.

This is more about you actually.  You can say he has NPD or whatever but that's not your job to diagnose of fix him.  It's not his fault you keep going back to him when you know how toxic of a person he is.  Someone like him can only hurt those who are vulnerable.  This is not love, it's co-dependency.

So until you fix your vulnerability nothing will change.  If it's not him it'll be someone else.

I understand what you’re saying. 
he always wants to break up with me before and I always try and fix I always say sorry. That I understand him. Even if he doesn’t understand me.

i guess I was really wrong.

i hope that I did this before cause it’s really hurting the hell out of me now.