Does it every work out?

[LostinLove2]

I have been with him for 3.5 years.  Him and his wife have been married for almost 7 years.  He outright said he is waiting for his wife to leave him because he feels it gives him a better chance of getting custody of his daughter.   It is what it is. My question is does it ever actually work out?  Are there any successful relationships that spawn from affairs?  I'm seriously asking.    

[central]

Of course there are some successful relationships that started as affairs - but they are quite rare.  If you think you may be one, then most likely it's delusional thinking.  Besides, IF he divorces her, he may want to use his newfound freedom to date other women who may be more compatible, etc.  You are convenient now, but he may think he can do better (or at least play the field awhile).

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

He outright said he is waiting for his wife to leave him because he feels it gives him a better chance of getting custody of his daughter. 

Is he trying to prove that she is an unfit mother? That is the only reason that can think why he believes it will reflect better for him if she is the one to leave. And even then, she can file for divorce and they will still share custody because that’s the law. The only way he would get full custody is if the child was endangered or abandoned by her mother. And, that’s not what he’s saying...

The law may differ depending on where you live, but laws exist to protect the rights of both parents. I would not blindly believe this statement - it sounds like a convenient excuse to stay in his marriage. 

32 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

I have been with him for 3.5 years.

If he hasn’t left in the past three and a half years, what do you think the odds are that one day he is going to up and decide to leave his marriage? Probably slim to none. 

There are a few people on this board in a legitimate relationship with their affair partner. They are by far the exception. Logic would say that if he was serious about legitimizing your relationship, he wouldn’t be offering reasons why he can not end his marriage and he would have done it by now. 

After all, he is a grown man, is he not? He is capable of making his own decisions, even if they are difficult decisions. People divorce and agree to shared custody every. single. day. And yet, there he sits... waiting for his wife to make the decision for him because he doesn’t think he will get shared custody of his daughter. Please. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

59 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

He outright said he is waiting for his wife to leave him because he feels it gives him a better chance of getting custody of his daughter

This is pure BS. From a legal standpoint and from the standpoint he is straight up lying to you. 

[anika99]

There are some affairs where the married person ends their marriage and then goes on to have a long term relationship with their affair partners, however this is highly unlikely to be the case for you. I think some married people in affairs truly were very unhappy in the marriage before the affair started and they were already planning to leave. The affair is the catalyst that gives them the courage to do what they already wanted to do and they do it quickly so that they don't drag out the pain for everyone involved. 

Your MM has no plans to leave, he is happy to have an affair for as long as he can. The bit about waiting for his wife to leave so that he can get custody of the kids is just a line he uses to string you along. His wife isn't less likely to get custody if she chooses to end the marriage. They will both get shared custody unless one can prove that the other is unfit parent. He is playing you for a fool. 

[Blind-Sided]

18 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

This is pure BS. From a legal standpoint and from the standpoint he is straight up lying to you. 

Yep.  Doesn't matter who files... the only reason the courts would give more custody to one over the other is if there is a safety reason. 

So... he's feeding you a load of BS, and really doesn't want to leave his wife.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

He outright said he is waiting for his wife to leave him because he feels it gives him a better chance of getting custody of his daughter.

"I'm staying for the kids" is the same type of lie as "we're just roommates". Work out in what way? Are you hoping he leave his wife and marries you?

[Prudence V]

20 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

Are there any successful relationships that spawn from affairs?

I am in one. We have been married for more than a decade, after an A that was a similar length of time to yours. 
 

Are you wanting to be with him long-term, in a full-time R, step-parenting his kid? Is that what he’s claiming to want? What steps have you taken to make that happen, during the past 3.5 years? What steps has he taken? 

[LostinLove2]

I know everything sounds like an excuse.  I've given him plenty of reasons and chances to end this.  I haven't exactly made it easy.  I really don't know why he has stayed.  He could easily find someone else if s-x is just what he is looking for.  And I don't want him to divorce his wife and marry me.  I want him to divorce his wife for him and his own happiness.  If he ever does finally make the leap, our relationship would basically start over.  

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

I really don't know why he has stayed.

More importantly, why have you stayed?

Edited June 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[LostinLove2]

3 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

I am in one. We have been married for more than a decade, after an A that was a similar length of time to yours. 
 

Are you wanting to be with him long-term, in a full-time R, step-parenting his kid? Is that what he’s claiming to want? What steps have you taken to make that happen, during the past 3.5 years? What steps has he taken? 

Yes I do.  I want it all.  I want to be in a full time relationship, exclusive and a step-parent to his child.  I realize everyone is going to jump to the "he's leading you on, you aren't any different, those are typical excuses" comments, but I have been very patient and understanding.  He got married at 36 for the first time because she got pregnant.  He felt it was the right thing to do at the time.  He said he does see the future with me, but needs to finish this marriage first and asked me to please be patient.  After 3.5 years I am getting a little impatient, but plan on seeing it through.  

How long into your relationship did you finally become exclusive?

[LostinLove2]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

More importantly, why have you stayed?

Because he is very important to me and I value what we have.  

[LostinLove2]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

"I'm staying for the kids" is the same type of lie as "we're just roommates". Work out in what way? Are you hoping he leave his wife and marries you?

I want him to leave his wife for him.  I don't want him to leave her for me.  I have already been married and divorced for over 10 years now.  I am not sure I would even get married again, but I would like to have a committed life with him.  I want long term.  If marriage were to happen between us in the very far future, I would be open to it.  

[Prudence V]

4 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

I have been very patient and understanding.

First mistake. He’s the one with the marriage, not you. It’s his problem, not yours. He is the one who should be jumping through hoops, not you. By setting yourself as the less powerful partner in the R, you are committing to doing all of this on his timeline (which might be, on the never-never). If you’re not happy with things they way they are now, and are wanting more, than end it.
 

I asked what steps you, and he, had taken to concretise being together. You didn’t list any so I’m assuming it’s none. Which answers the question. You want to be together, he doesn’t. You’re not happy with how things are, he is. You want different things. Only one of you will get what you want, and in gvpivong him the power, you’ve ensured that it won’t be you. 
 

[BaileyB]

Are you planning to address the fact that he has lied to you about the fact that he stays to try and get custody of the child?

Edited June 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

8 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

He got married at 36 for the first time because she got pregnant.  He felt it was the right thing to do at the time.

Perhaps. He’s had 7 years to change his mind on that. Instead, he chose not to, but to invest in a second, parallel R instead. 
 

9 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

He said he does see the future with me, but needs to finish this marriage first and asked me to please be patient.

He’s had 7 years to finish it, if he wanted. 
 

what timeline has he given you for ending it? When his kid finishes high school? When she graduates with her PhD? When his grandkids graduate? 
 

what concrete steps has he taken to end his marriage? Has he told his wife he wants to end the marriage? Has he seen a divorce lawyer? Has he rented a property to move to? Has he told his extended family he is getting a divorce? Has he invited you to family gatherings, and introduced you to his family and friends as his GF? 

[Prudence V]

14 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

How long into your relationship did you finally become exclusive?

I don’t recall exactly - this was all a long, long time ago. But he was serious about the R a lot sooner than I was, and it was exclusive from his side very quickly. Once we decided we wanted to be together full time, we made concrete plans of what that would look like and what we both needed to do. He did his side a lot quicker than I did mine, which in retrospect was good as it gave him and his offspring time living alone for a few months before I was ready to join them, which was necessary I think. 
 

 

[LostinLove2]

1 minute ago, Prudence V said:

Perhaps. He’s had 7 years to change his mind on that. Instead, he chose not to, but to invest in a second, parallel R instead. 
 

He’s had 7 years to finish it, if he wanted. 
 

what timeline has he given you for ending it? When his kid finishes high school? When she graduates with her PhD? When his grandkids graduate? 
 

what concrete steps has he taken to end his marriage? Has he told his wife he wants to end the marriage? Has he seen a divorce lawyer? Has he rented a property to move to? Has he told his extended family he is getting a divorce? Has he invited you to family gatherings, and introduced you to his family and friends as his GF? 

Please keep going. Seriously. I think this is the dose of reality I need. I’m not completely blind to the fact that it’s the same tale that most get. Of course I want to believe it is all true. 
 

When he married her, he was away at a training for 6 months. He brought her here from another state. His fear is if he leaves, she will take the daughter back to her home state. He would like full custody, but knows it won’t happen. 
 

He wants her to make the jump to divorce first. Why I don’t know. She’s been seeking divorce lawyers on the side. He’s shown me the evidence of it. She’s threatened to walk out and he said he isn’t rocking the boat. I think they both know they aren’t right for each other, but neither will take the leap. That portion is none of my business though. Their marriage. 

[Syd8]

21 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

I have been with him for 3.5 years.  Him and his wife have been married for almost 7 years.  He outright said he is waiting for his wife to leave him because he feels it gives him a better chance of getting custody of his daughter.   It is what it is. My question is does it ever actually work out?  Are there any successful relationships that spawn from affairs?  I'm seriously asking.    

I'm sure there are cases where it does work out and you live happily ever after. But I would say not usually. You're better off  leaving him. 

[Prudence V]

18 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

I value what we have

You value it more than not having it at all, but OWs clear from what you say about “wanting it all” and “becoming impatient” that you recognise that it’s not enough - or at least, not enough for you. His agenda is different. Would you be happy to park your own needs forever, to fit in with his, or is there a point at which you would say, my needs are not being met by this and so I need to move on? 

[LostinLove2]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Are you planning to address the fact that he has lied to you about the fact that he stays to try and get custody of the child?

He works for the court system and knows how a lot of this plays out for fathers. In his mind it looks better if she files first. 

[Prudence V]

4 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

His fear is if he leaves, she will take the daughter back to her home state.

Which is why he needs to speak to divorce lawyers, to prevent her doing so. Waiting for her to do it all binds his hands and prevents him getting the provisions he wants. 

[LostinLove2]

1 minute ago, Prudence V said:

 Would you be happy to park your own needs forever, to fit in with his, or is there a point at which you would say, my needs are not being met by this and so I need to move on? 

Many of our arguments center around me being impatient and my needs not being met. He knows I’m getting very frustrated in waiting. I haven’t made it easy for him when it comes to this. To be honest, I don’t know why he hasn’t walked away. He could easily just have an affair with the sex and a whole lot less drama with someone else. If this isn’t something, then why isn’t he just finding something simpler to mess around with? 

[Prudence V]

3 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

He works for the court system and knows how a lot of this plays out for fathers. In his mind it looks better if she files first. 

Unless he’s been advised to do so by a lawyer who is acting for him in a divorce, this is just speculation / fear / excuses on his part. He needs to consult with a lawyer and protect his interests in and access to his child. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Which is why he needs to speak to divorce lawyers, to prevent her doing so. Waiting for her to do it all binds his hands and prevents him getting the provisions he wants. 

Exactly. She has consulted a lawyer - has he done the same? 

8 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

He works for the court system and knows how a lot of this plays out for fathers. In his mind it looks better if she files first. 

Thats like saying, “I work in health care and I’m not going to see the doctor because I’ve seen how this plays out - people die.” 

Of course, he is not going to get full custody. That’s magical thinking. 

Edited June 6, 2021 by BaileyB