Cannot get closure over my ex

[Macca73]

New on here but would really appreciate some advice as I cannot get over my ex dumping me a year ago.

Story is that we had been dating for 18 months and we got engaged. It was a long distance relationship as she lives in Germany while I live in the UK. However I did travel every other weekend to see her and she would come have have longer stays here every 4-5 months. She was a mother but her kids were grown up and had left home years ago. I have two kids aged 10 and 7 at the time, who stayed with me every other weekend and one night in the week.  She told me early in the relationship that she wanted a family man, so on this basis you would expect her to understand that I would need to have regular contact with the mother of my kids as they lived nearby and kids are still relatively young. She said she thought the world of my kids and she was good with them. The mother of my kids was not a psycho ex, and although I wouldn't say we were friends, we got on amicable enough to not have rows when we had to speak.

After I split was my ex, the arrangement was that we both have one night and day each weekend free to go out. This lasted for about 3 years. However, my fiancee didn't like this when she first came to stay with me  and wanted to change to every other weekend free instead. Although my ex initially moaned, she did agree to this. As time went on, my fiancee thought my ex was controlling me through the kids by having them stay over one night during the week. To me this was nonsense as the ex had a job too and on one night during the week she had to work late and it was outside regular  childminding hours. Therefore it was obvious that as the father, kids would stay with me. Neither of us had family living nearby to help either. Her issue was that if we wanted to go on holiday together, then I would have to agree it  with my ex, so she could make other arrangements for minding the kids on that one night. The ex was ok with this as long as I have her a month's notice. The one month was based on what the childminder required to make one-off alternative arrangements.

I did have a job in Germany to go to at the start of last year which obviously meant leaving the UK. However, when it came down to it I couldn't bring myself to walk away from the kids at a young age. My fiancée said not to worry she would come up live in UK. I did feel guilty about this as I felt i had given her false hope of me moving to Germany.

Then covid started! My fiancée worked from home usually, but during the first wave she said that she would have to go to work in Palma De Mallorca from October. Her job was something to do with art restoration and she had worked in numerous countries before. She asked me what I thought she should do and of course I said don't go, come to UK to live with me. She said she could go for one year as money was good. It was also easier for me to get to Palma than to Germany. However my concern was the flights being cancelled because of covid,  preventing me from going. And of course this is exactly what has happened now, plus quarantine. Anyway, the next day after discussing it she said she was going to Palma. Obviously I was not very happy but tried to see it from her side. The following week I did manage to get to Germany to see her. My daughter called me not long after I had arrived and said they had been to my house to play on water slide (weather had been very hot in UK and the ex lived in flat so no outside garden). I told my fiancee this and she said "what your ex has key for your house still?". I explained that she had key after we broke up for emergency or when kids forget stuff for school when going between houses. I had a key to her flat to also pickup kids things. She didn't seem that bothered eventually and it wasn't until I got back to UK that I found out how angry she was. She said she felt cheated and deceived and I had ruined everything. I could not believe this. I didn't go behind her back and deliberately give the ex a key and say keep it quiet. It was just the arrangement we had after we split up. The key was out of sight, out of mind. I just forgot about it. In fact I got the key back when I returned to the UK and gave her the key to her flat back too. My fiancee didn't even have the decency to do a video chat over any of this, and split up with me over text message, which I thought was shocking.

A month later she said she was moving to Palma for good. I have been to see her there and it was a little tense. In fact she tricked me when leaving to go to airport by saying she would follow me downstairs to meet me for something to drink and I may as well take my suitcase. No sooner had I got downstairs, I get a WhatsApp message to say "have safe trip I'm not coming down". Then she blocked me!!! I was furious at being treated so badly. After a couple of weeks she unblocked me and said she still loved me which she has said again since. I have occasional contact with her, in fact just last week was her birthday so did video call with her.

Everyone tells me I am far better off without her but something is stopping me from letting go. Even after one year, I wake up at night still thinking what the hell did I do wrong that was worth ending our relationship for. We were do happy together. Just to top it all off, my kids are now moving to Poland with their mother - she is polish - which I'm ok with as kids are happy to go. I just think now that if my fiancee had stayed one year more we would have been ok together as it would have just been the two of us, which is what she wanted really.

I have been on dating websites over the last few months but my heart is just not in it. My ex had actually cheated on me which is why we split up years ago and I got over that within a few months even though she was the mother of my kids. The reason being that it was easy to decide that I couldn't trust her again. However, with my fiancee I just can't get closure as I feel I've not really done anything wrong. Certainly not cheated or deceived her.

[assertives]

Not all relationships end because of wrongdoing on either side. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. For whatever reason, she has decided the relationship was no longer working for her, so she ended it. From what you wrote, it sounds like both of you are in different life stages. She is done raising kids, and have her freedom and life back to do whatever, whenever unlike you. Your life decisions would still have to heavily consider your kids. Whatever plans you two may have together would need to take into consideration your kids and also your ex.

This isn't your fault, it just comes with dating a single parent with young kids. Perhaps she was ok with it in the beginning, but as time when on, and more obstacles present themselves, she realizes that it's not what she wants or can deal with. How she treated you during the break up was shitty, and that's not cool. But I wouldn't look at it as something that you did wrong, but rather a reflection of who she is and how she handles (or wasn't able to handle) conflict.

Closure comes from within, and it's not hers to offer you. Accepting that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you is closure enough to leave this be and move on.

Edited June 6, 2021 by assertives

[MauroL]

I am sorry  you're going through this. I am still in pain after my partner of seven years left me 1 year and half ago. I am on antidepressants and in therapy but still miserable and inconsolable. I am afraid it will never pass, and I am 66

[Lotsgoingon]

You're asking a useless question--a completely useless question: What did I do wrong?

Where do I start with all the ways that question is useless. So here: asking that question is like having a friend die prematurely and asking, "What did my friend do wrong?" Can you see how foolish THAT question is.

People break up for all kinds of reasons and no reasons at all. And it doesn't matter really. All that matters is that the other person does NOT want to be with us. Doesn't matter why. What matters is that you understand that if someone does NOT want to be with us, then the relationship is dead. It is not our job to "persuade" someone to want to be with us. Can't be done.

And the fact that someone does not appreciate you as a love partner means they're a bad love partner. Period. 

Asking this question means you need to focus on building up the rest of your life. You're treating your ex as some kind of rescuer. Sorry, that doesn't work. You weren't pathetic before she came along and you're not pathetic now, but your hanging on does devalue your own life.

[Macca73]

4 hours ago, assertives said:

Not all relationships end because of wrongdoing on either side. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. For whatever reason, she has decided the relationship was no longer working for her, so she ended it. From what you wrote, it sounds like both of you are in different life stages. She is done raising kids, and have her freedom and life back to do whatever, whenever unlike you. Your life decisions would still have to heavily consider your kids. Whatever plans you two may have together would need to take into consideration your kids and also your ex.

This isn't your fault, it just comes with dating a single parent with young kids. Perhaps she was ok with it in the beginning, but as time when on, and more obstacles present themselves, she realizes that it's not what she wants or can deal with. How she treated you during the break up was shitty, and that's not cool. But I wouldn't look at it as something that you did wrong, but rather a reflection of who she is and how she handles (or wasn't able to handle) conflict.

Closure comes from within, and it's not hers to offer you. Accepting that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you is closure enough to leave this be and move on.

Thanks for the reply. I guess when things are black and white it is easier to accept like my ex cheating with someone else. This was not black and white to me which I think is why I struggle to accept it and move on

[Macca73]

4 hours ago, MauroL said:

I am sorry  you're going through this. I am still in pain after my partner of seven years left me 1 year and half ago. I am on antidepressants and in therapy but still miserable and inconsolable. I am afraid it will never pass, and I am 66

Sorry to hear your difficulty in coming to terms with your breakup. Makes my problems seem silly now. Hope you get inner peace soon

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Macca73 said:

This was not black and white to me which I think is why I struggle to accept it and move on

You did nothing wrong. The logistics were difficult. It sounds like she was looking for an exit and used the house key hysteria as the excuse. So it has something to do with her.

You may never know. Most endings are not black and white but a combination of circumstances like the distance in this case and her propensity to be a rolling stone.

Edited June 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, cheating is the rarest reason people break up. That isn't really a breakup. When someone cheats it's almost a no-brainer that you would break up (except for some married couples).

Probably 90 percent + of breakups happen over disagreements and just reactions. At some point one partner doesn't feel comfortable dating the other partner. The reason doesn't matter. 

To challenge your thinking here, it IS black and white when I decide I don't want to be with someone else. That IS black and white. Now, you're right, a thousand variables are at play. But most breakups aren't because someone did something wrong. Some people can't even articulate why they want to break up, but their body and heart says, "I'm not comfortable with this." 

I broke up with an ex who I liked quite a lot and who I thought was wonderful. I just didn't feel comfortable with her. I couldn't shush the doubts that something wasn't quite right. Years later, maybe decades later, I could articulate that I felt my ex was more of a friend than a lover. That's it! At the time I just knew I wanted out of the relationship. Nothing she did wrong.

The reason breakups are so devastating (and why there are a million love songs about breakups) is that there is no "black and white" reason as you're imagining things. Get rid of that idea. That idea is just tormenting you and it's completely, wildly wrong. 

Maybe here's an analogy. People break up with us for the same reason they don't want to date us in the first place. They just aren't feeling it. 

Edited June 6, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh and part of the problem if you're dumped is that the dumper is rarely brutally honest. The dumper rarely says, "you know what? I don't like the way you smack your lips when you eat. And I just don't feel consistently attracted to you." 

Sometimes the reason might be "You remind me of people I grew up with that I don't like." Or ... I just don't feel strongly turned on when we have sex."

I was once dumped by a woman that I had pretty good sex with. The problem? She never initiated sex. And by initiate, I don't mean she never directly approached me. I mean she never acted on my hints, never really came on to me. Once I did all the way and we began, sex was good. But looking back, she wasn't really turned on by me. I'm glad she dumped me. The relationship was triggering a lot more insecurities in me than I admitted to at the time.

There is a problem with people being brutally honest. If they say exactly why they're breaking up with us, the result can be absolutely crushing. The point here is that your ex had STRONG, VERY STRONG reasons and feelings about breaking up. Most likely she simply didn't want to share these reasons with you. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman sounds incredibly immature for her age. 

Your ex wanted out, and she found her exit. And she did the proverbial storming off in dramatic fashion. What does that tell you about her? She behaved like a teenager. 

You are better off without her, OP, but you have to stop contact. You have learned to accept some unhealthy behaviour from her and it's best that you spend time reflecting on why that was so. 

 

[emprosnet7]

If you still have contact, you could try explaining all that with a letter and that the ex is out of the picture for good. Although she sounds to me like a jealous person and that is a red flag for me now (having to deal with a very jealous woman for 18 years)

[ShyViolet]

You are indeed better off without her.  She does sound very immature, and she was being controlling about the mother of your children; something that was not her place to dictate or control.

People often fall into this "closure" trap when it comes to breakups.  They say things like "I need to get closure."  There is NO such thing as closure.... closure is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a conscious decision to realize that it's over,  to just accept it, and move on.  You will absolutely not get "closure" from her, or find out that exact reason for the breakup.  There is no specific reason that you could discover that would make you feel better.  You need to just make a conscious decision that this is over, it's dead, and you need to move forward.  It's ok and normal that you still have messy feelings about it and that you feel that you're not totally over it.  It just takes time.

[Macca73]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You are indeed better off without her.  She does sound very immature, and she was being controlling about the mother of your children; something that was not her place to dictate or control.

People often fall into this "closure" trap when it comes to breakups.  They say things like "I need to get closure."  There is NO such thing as closure.... closure is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a conscious decision to realize that it's over,  to just accept it, and move on.  You will absolutely not get "closure" from her, or find out that exact reason for the breakup.  There is no specific reason that you could discover that would make you feel better.  You need to just make a conscious decision that this is over, it's dead, and you need to move forward.  It's ok and normal that you still have messy feelings about it and that you feel that you're not totally over it.  It just takes time.

Thanks for your reply. I agree that she wanted to get her way with regards to when my kids stayed with us. However, she knew my situation when we met and it was not her business to try and get me to not have my kids stay during the week. I mean what do you tell your kids when they ask why they cant stay over during the week anymore? Oh your future stepmum doesn't want you there. Terrible really. I think one reason she probably thought like this was because she had to raise her two kids on her own at a young age. Therefore, maybe she thought why can't my ex manage on her own too, after all I was giving her maintenance for the kids. However, just because that is how it was for her, doesn't mean it is right for my ex to have to have the kids most of the time when their father is only 10 minutes away

[Macca73]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This woman sounds incredibly immature for her age. 

Your ex wanted out, and she found her exit. And she did the proverbial storming off in dramatic fashion. What does that tell you about her? She behaved like a teenager. 

You are better off without her, OP, but you have to stop contact. You have learned to accept some unhealthy behaviour from her and it's best that you spend time reflecting on why that was so. 

 

Thanks for reply. Yes it did cross my mind that maybe she wanted out because this happened during lockdown last year and I don't think she would have dealt with being stuck in my house on her own all day as I still had to do to work at an office for my job. Possibly the key gave her a ready made excuse

[Macca73]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did nothing wrong. The logistics were difficult. It sounds like she was looking for an exit and used the house key hysteria as the excuse. So it has something to do with her.

You may never know. Most endings are not black and white but a combination of circumstances like the distance in this case and her propensity to be a rolling stone.

Thanks for reply. Yes I did think the same about the key but just don't know for sure. My conscience is clear as anything I did was in the best interests of my kids, not their mother. And as a mother herself, you would have thought my fiancee would have understood that. It's almost like her attitude was that once you separate, you have to be as awkward as possible to your ex and why do her any favours. Any so called favours were always in the best interest of the kids. In fact I'm quite sure that my fiancee thought that the kids are not the most important thing, and that she should be. Reality is it is a balancing act to give both kids and partner time