Sibling issues - how do I get past this?

[Starry_eyed]

I will try to keep this clear and concise, there is a lot that this post won't capture. Basically I have two sisters, one 3yrs older who is married and one 3yrs younger in a long-term relationship. We used to be very close and now I can't look them in the face. I feel constantly judged and like they bring the worst out of me. Few examples of real life, day to day issues:

- Both sisters 'hate' sharing. E.g. older sister (35 f) came to stay for a weekend and forgot her hairbrush. Asked to use mine, I lent it and let her use all my luxury skin products. I went to her place last weekend and forgot my hairbrush, asked if I could use her brush. I got a lecture for forgetting it and after a big discussion, I had to stoop low and resort to 'do you remember using my brush last time'. I hated being forced to be so transactional about it. She let me use her brush reluctantly but was watching me use it and took it off me as soon as I finished. Example 2 - I buy a lot of herbal tea for everyone to use regularly, it ran out and my sister bought a box of 20 teabags. She wouldn't let me have one and she got so angry when I took one one night. I was again resorting to offering to buy a box because I took one teabag, which is again creating this culture of behaviour where everything is so tight, greedy and frankly really imbalanced. I hate the negativity this hypocrisy causes me to feel and I hate how I am being influenced by this bad way of thinking but I don't agree with the double standards - they can access all my things, yet for me to expect a small degree of reciprocity is unreasonable? Now if I say no to sharing something I get labelled as being tight. It's just unbelievable and makes me feel so negative towards them, my older sister is wealthy and my younger sister is not struggling with money. I really, really don't get it. I sometimes wonder if there is an underlying issue. We never grew up in that type of household or culture so I find it really confusing.

- It is my birthday next month. Over a month ago I asked my family to keep a weekend around my bday free. My older sister sounded inconvenienced when I asked. Then over a month later when checking again, my younger sister is saying she forgot to ask for half a day off at work and basically we've ended up cancelling. I'm angry and upset because my time is wasted, especially given I'm having to organise my bday for myself and I rescheduled plans with friends who frankly seem more interested in celebrating my bday than my family. It then makes me wish I had a partner who I could do something fun together with, who maybe wants to organise something nice for me. I've been single for four years and am not someone who feels the need to be in a relationship but this then leads to me to feeling lonely at a time when I should be happy. My sisters also talk about how unfair it is that I was born in the summer (they were born in winter) and I get to have fun birthdays. They fail to recognise that I organise those fun events on my birthday every year and it's not fair that I'm made to feel guilty because they don't do the same for theirs and I obviously can't pick when I was born.

- My younger sister (29 f) moans most days about anything and everything including her career not being where she wants it to be. She blames it on entirely external factors, spends most of her spare time watching TV, shopping, lazing in bed, moaning about something else (many of which she could proactively address if she wanted to). I suggested some career coaching and about 6 months later she signed up - she didn't at first because she intentionally avoids doing anything I suggest and once she did it, she didn't initially tell me. This behaviour is irritatingly immature which normally I wouldn't care about but I'm living in a house with her at the moment. I can't escape all the behaviours and emotions that come with her not taking control of her life. I can't remember the last time she brought positive energy or showed zest for life, possibly when I booked her flights to Thailand as a gift and she went on a solo trip, her bf didn't go with her.

She doesn't seem to work her brain to link anything together for herself, she often misunderstands group conversations completely, I feel like she is declining with her thinking. She asks her bf to explain everything rather than figure it out herself and when I look at her relationship I see a lot of things which are flashbacks to my own avoidance when I was in a relationship, I was far too comfortable and not growing, quite the opposite. It is so unpleasant and worrying to watch but I don't say anything. I am single partly by choice and seeing her relationship puts me off the idea of a relationship. Potentially the dating world these days also scares her out of leaving her relationship if she wasn't happy.

- Her accent, tone when speaking and the language she uses is frankly irritating to my ears and others (I think), undermines her intelligence and causes a lot of friction because it doesn't communicate well. I think it's partly why she has got some negative feedback from colleagues when she means well and when I tried to feed back once she wasn't open to the feedback and it inevitably led to a headache-inducing pushback from her which I didn't need. It's odd because she never used to speak this way. I also think how she interprets behaviour is very inward thinking and when I tried to talk to her about the complexity of people she thinks I'm just being me, she says she finds me irritating because I 'overcomplicate' things. That irritates me personally and professionally because she can be quick to judge. I'm in a good job for my age and have received praise as a line manager, I think she underestimates/doesn't recognise the understanding and hard work required in managing people successfully.

I feel so lonely, misunderstood, as if my sisters don't really care or have any interest in understanding (without judgement) what is going on in my life. It feels like I won't slot into place in this family until I've got a partner. I feel judged for not having a partner and no doubt many other reasons.

I had this tiny thought, when writing this, what if (as crazy as it might sound) there is a degree of jealousy because I am single? Probably not but an explorative thought. I would appreciate any wisdom and constructive thoughts. Sorry for the rambling.

Edited June 6, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[LivingWaterPlease]

Can you move out from living with your sister? Your situation sounds pretty negative to me and one I'd want to get away from. I definitely wouldn't buy any gifts of trips for either one of them. You bought your sister a ticket to Thailand? Not sure where you live but that's a pretty excessive gift to give someone who irritates you.

From how you describe your sisters, I'd want a lot of space from them, in your place. They're making you unhappy? You have a good job and lots of friends. Why stay so closely connected to them?

[basil67]

I would suggest that distancing yourself is the best solution.   Move out from living with your sister (or if it's your place, tell her that you're missing your space and give her notice to leave)  Also, don't inconvenience yourself and others to include those who are disorganised.  If you sister forgot to book a half-day off work for your birthday, then just say "Oh, sorry you can't make it" and continue with your plans.   If visiting your sister is problematic because she won't share, then don't visit.

In short, don't drive yourself nuts spending time with those who annoy you.

I would add that you should try to keep a bit real about having to organise your own events.  Heaps of we people who have partners still organise our own events   

Edited June 6, 2021 by basil67

[MsJayne]

I had three sisters,  and so I'm quite the expert on Ugly Sisters. Your older sister is just, well, a nasty piece of work who considers herself superior to you. She sounds very self-unaware and petty. Your younger one sounds like hard work too. Why do you even consider rearranging your birthday plans to accommodate them? Why do you even invite them when they treat you with thinly disguised contempt? Quite possibly there's a degree of jealousy there, but what motivates their attitude towards you is irrelevant, the issue is why do you tolerate it? Because they're your sisters? The younger one needs to find her own place, (or you do, depending who's place you're both living in), and the older one, I'd send her a herbal teabag with an apology note and cease contact ASAP. Being related to someone doesn't mean you have to have them in your life if you find their behaviour towards you offensive. If their issue is that you're single, seriously, they're just too ignorant for words. 

PS: Please don't buy any more expensive gifts for people who treat you with contempt. They still won't like you.