Should I break up with my bf? Cheating, toxicity, different goals etc)

[ThatCoolChick]

This is heavy for me. I've been thinking to put out my thoughts somewhere for long now. Here we go, I hope someone can give me advice or something to lead me to a conclusion.

I'm a 20 y/o female, I've been together with my highschool sweetheart for 4,5 years now. We live together in a student apartment and we're both attending university. I think it all started a year ago. 

Me and my boyfriend had a best friend in high school, the 3 of us were always hanging out in school and a lot outside of school as well. I know both of them had feelings for me since we started high school and me being my naive self didn't understand that both of them liked me more than as a friend. Later on I got together with one of the guys, I was quite unsure of our relationship in the beginning because I didn't really believe someone could love me the way he did (and still does). However, the three of us continued to hang out a lot throughout the high school years. I didn't realize it then but the other guy struggled a lot with depression, anxiety and often argued with my boyfriend. He always took my side and the love he felt for me from the start probably hurt him quite a lot since he loved me until the end of high school. 

About half a year after out graduation we still hung out sometimes. Our case turned out to be as it usually goes, me and my bf got somewhat distant from our other friends and the other friend of ours only hung out with me in the end. One night we decided to go clubbing (me and the other friend). I told my bf that I got to sleep at our friends place since his family were on vacation. I had no feelings for him and my boyfriend trusted me, after all the 3 of us knew each other well and I wasn't surprised that he would let me stay at our friends place. However, the night turned out to be a rollercoaster of emotions. We got really drunk, he revealed the whole story about him loving me since we met the first time. I was very drunk and didn't think at all. It all was a mess and I slept with him that night. We didn't have sex, but the way we were making out mad me nauseous afterwards. 

They day after I rushed home, didn't talk to neither of them for a few days. Finally my bf got so anxious that he called my mom, she ordered me to explain myself. I'm raised to be honest, even if it hurts, therefore I called my bf and asked him to meet me. I explained the whole situation, prepared to go home single and two friends shorter. 

Oddly enough that wasn't the case, my bf got really upset and sad. But he was BEGGING me to stay with him. Afterwards I knew that he was lost at the time, he probably thought that he couldn't live without me. I told him that he should break up with me, that what I did was unforgivable, but he insisted. So we walked home together acting like nothing ever happened.

With the knowledge I posses today I would probably never have done that. Our relationship took a really hard hit from that, and so did his confidence and self-esteem. I felt sorry and bad for him for months, feeling like I owed him everything. I offered him myself so many times when I didn't want to because I felt like it was all my fault. The lacking in confidence and self-esteem got me worried but also turned me off a lot. It probably sounds bratty and selfish but I loved his confidence a lot. With that gone I felt like I had nothing left to give or receive. 

The incident took place in early 2020, we both started college late 2019 and that summer I dropped out. I was spending the whole summer with my friends, back then we didn't live together, so I had the time of my life. I felt free, happy and confident in so many ways that I hadn't done in years. If I only broke up with him then things might would've turned out different. 

I decided to go back to college in August 2020 because covid didn't provide me with any employment whatsoever. Me and my bf then decided to move in together in a student apartment. The first month went smoothly, it was exciting since it was the first time I moved and school provided with a ton of activities in the late summer/early autumn. 

As time passed I started to feel anxious, depressed, lonely and cold again. Although we rarely argue I lost all my sexual desire, we didn't have sex for a couple of months and I didn't feel attracted to him. At this point he had gotten some new good friends at uni and joined some quite time consuming after school activities. I felt like he was truly happy with his friends, while it made me happy that he wasn't all dependent on me anymore I had put everything aside to focus on us and school again. This made me really depressed and I lost almost all social contact with my friends. Still at this point we still rarely talk anymore.

This brings me to today. As I'm sitting here, writing this with literally teary eyes and a heavy heart. I feel lonely, dependent on him, I don't like myself, the way I look, behave or what I do. I want to travel, I have a frustrating deep desire to travel far far away. My mom tells me it's a sign of wanting to escape, she said that no matter how far I travel I will always have to return home and deal with my problems. She's definitely right, but I feel like me and my bf don't seek the same things anymore. We were the highschool gamer sweethearts, we did everything together. I felt like I had everything I ever wanted. But now I'm lost. Empty, my heart literally screams for help, desire to find myself and do what I love. I want to travel to Japan, learn Japanese, become a freelance artist and continue build those skills and passions I already have, that identifies me.

I'm tired of being his shadow, but I'm so scared of what I am without him. We were only 15 when we got together. He's my first seriously relationship, the one I lost my virginity to and the one I literally grew to become an adult with. I feel like I'm nothing without him, but I feel like I can't be me, I can't grow anymore in our relationship. We're heading different ways that relies on a shaky foundation. 

What would you guys have handled this if you were in my situation? Do you have any advice or experiences that could help me decide what I should do with our relationship?

(I apologize for bad wordings or generally poor English since I'm not a native speaker)

Thank you for taking your time reading this, it means so much to me just putting this out here. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

One thing I can definitely tell you to do and that is to stay in school. Don't run off around the world at least until you get your education.

Could you move back in with your parents (or mom, if they're divorced) and finish your education?

[emprosnet7]

You are only 20 years old and you have a whole life ahead of you. You have to stand on your own feet. This relationship has does its circle and you should take it as a lesson for the future. You have to end it and move forward.