Ex GF Came back but giving Mixed Signals

[ego404]

Hello 

A little backstory on this, me and my ex became friends about 3 years ago. We are both relatively young (24, 21) but in the very beginning we basically just started off as friends. We were friends for a while and I actually was talking to other girls when my ex began to develop feelings for me. We had this sort of flirtation-ship but I was always unsure of things between me and her since we were in different stages of our lives (She was starting college, I was almost done). However as the months went by things were progressing more and more and eventually we gave it a shot, but she never got over that I didn't "drop" other girls for her initially/fast enough. Including the "flirtation-ship" period we dated for about a year but we had our issues and we would fight. I was immature and would get mad and ignore her, stuff like that. We did really like each other but as I mentioned before, she never got over that I talked to other girls and eventually with all our issues she dumped me. 

The first breakup came out of no where and she didn't really explain, she was just done and basically said it was my fault. I was really sad and tried to get her back but nothing worked, she was really harsh with me. Her friends told me that she had been really hurt when I was talking to other girls (way back) and she never got over it. However after 2 months she came back, and things blossomed again really fast. It was well and I was actually very committed to her this second time, listening and trying to be better. However this second time we had some distance so it was hard to see each other, and I guess distance sort of developed trust issues, not sure. Randomly (3 months in) she decided to cut it off because she said she was busy, and didn't really want a long distance relationship. I later found out through a friend that she was just still not over stuff from the past and this distance wasn't helping. We didn't cut each other off and tried to be civilized but it just led to fights and disagreements post breakup and we ended up removing each other off social media. 

The story now

So one year+ passed of no contact and all I know about her is that she hates my guts and that dating me was a mistake LOL. It sucked but I couldn't even reach out to her if I wanted. However this december one of her friends told me that she was asking about me which was surprising. She ended up reaching out to me somewhat intoxicated wishing me happy birthday, 1 month after my birthday. We caught up and she began to speak to me more, however I found out she had a boyfriend which just made me back off. This went on for like 3 months, and she ended up dumping her boyfriend but we spoke on and off because I didn't really want to be talking to her with a boyfriend. 

After her relationship ended we began speaking more but I was really unsure of what she wanted, she would tease me about other guys, etc. I guess me not capitalizing made her back off because she told her friend that I wasn't really wanting anything. However a few days later we spoke and I ended up telling her straight up that I didn't see her as a friend and that if she was going to talk to me it was going to be to see what would happen between us. She was quiet on the call and all she really said was that she just thought I was the same as before, to which I said I can't really say I am different because that is something you need to see for yourself. 

After the call she basically confessed that I had always been her #1 and that she obviously couldn't do that with a boyfriend but she was unsure because she had just gotten out of a relationship that she didn't really want and wanted to be friends. She doesn't really know what she wants but she is afraid that we would date and be good for sometime and then have problems again. I told her that I understood and I wouldn't mind starting slow but I didn't really want to talk just as friends, so maybe in the future we could see what happens. She didn't really want to let me go and ended up talking to me way more as the days went by which to her was her way of "agreeing with me". 

A week went by of us talking a lot, flirting, etc, and she got upset at me for not talking to her as much near the end of that week/week and a half. Its because I was busy with work but she said I could have let her know, and that she was done and obviously I don't know how to communicate still. I told her that I didn't even know we were that serious to which she replied that I could have just asked but.. it doesn't make sense to me since she knew what I wanted and she never bothered telling me she had changed her mind and wanted to try. She said she thought we were on the same page because our calls and that she didn't want to have to wonder if I was going to reach out to her or not and that she always felt she was the one putting in the most. I told her that if I had known she was serious this wouldn't had happened but she said she didn't want to try anymore. All I said was if I had known this wouldn't had happened.

Some days went by and she called me late at night, again somewhat drunk and we spoke for a while. We began speaking again for a few days and calling again so I assumed she wanted to try so I began to communicate better. However when I began to be flirty and taking things a bit more serious she backed off. We spoke the next day and I told her if there was an issue to which she said I was being gross so she left. I was confused because she had been flirty before so I asked her what she wanted and she just said she didn't know. I told her that I thought we were on the same page as we were doing the exact same things she got mad at me earlier for not taking "serious" so she needed to tell me because it was confusing. I also said we could go slow but she needed to let me know but all she said was "idk but i dont want anything". I replied to her that its fine that she told me but to speak to me if she ever makes up her mind because its unfair to me when she knows what I want. She just replied alright and we haven't spoken since then which was 3 days ago. 

 

Thoughts / Questions

I really don't know what is going on with her, I spoke to our mutual friend and even she is confused. I felt like she was using the fact that she knows what I want to lead me on in a way because if I hadn't brought this up she would have just kept talking to me and possibly stopped if she started talking to someone else. I don't know if I did the right thing near the end but I don't know what else I could have said. I don't know if I should have kept trying to talk to her or just talked as friends but I just don't want that. We don't have each other blocked anymore on anything and we actually have each other on socials now, but I am not sure where to go from here? Should I just continue to give her space? I don't want to pressure her or keep trying to speak to her and I obviously don't want to try to change her mind when it probably wont work. I don't know if she is just unsure of what she wants or if she needs to figure out herself but yeah.

Overall I would say we didn't really have any issues this time we actually had a lot of fun speaking and hanging out and doing things. I don't mind going no contact for now but I am not sure if it will even work since it wasn't really a "breakup". 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would put this girl in your past. 

She's all over the map and it sounds like she is rebounding. She wants your attention and admiration, but she isn't over her ex.  

Next.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ego404 said:

She ended up reaching out to me somewhat intoxicated wishing me happy birthday, 1 month after my birthday. We caught up and she began to speak to me more, however I found out she had a boyfriend which just made me back off.

She's all over the place. Why put yourself through that? Don't be the backup guy when she's drunk, fights with whoever she's dating, is on off with whoever or needs attention.

 Don't stall out your life. Date other more mature girls and leave the past in the past.

[ego404]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would put this girl in your past. 

She's all over the map and it sounds like she is rebounding. She wants your attention and admiration, but she isn't over her ex.  

Next.

No she's definitely not interested in her ex, she's the one who cut it off with him because she didn't feel the same way. This guy also faked that he had a car accident just to speak to her again and she definitely wasn't interested LOL 

[ego404]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's all over the place. Why put yourself through that? Don't be the backup guy when she's drunk, fights with whoever she's dating, is on off with whoever or needs attention.

 Don't stall out your life. Date other more mature girls and leave the past in the past.

Yes I guess you are right. She was never talking to me because she was fighting someone else she actually just wanted to speak to me. 

But yeah, I basically told her to speak to me whenever she makes up her mind because she is clearly unsure of what she wants. 

Edited June 8, 2021 by ego404

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, ego404 said:

No she's definitely not interested in her ex, she's the one who cut it off with him because she didn't feel the same way. This guy also faked that he had a car accident just to speak to her again and she definitely wasn't interested LOL 

I don't mean that she wants him back. I mean that she has not fully let go of the relaitonship yet, and is still emotionally attached to the idea of having him around. Rebounding does not necessarily mean they want their ex in their life again, but rather that they're not used to being single and are looking for someone to fill the void until they re-adjust. She is clearly not over that relationship yet, whether or not you want to see it. 

Either way, you are wasting your time. If she were as interested in you as you are in her, there wouldn't be this ridiculous back and forth. She wouldn't risk losing you. But she isn't into you enough to ensure that you don't lose interest in her. 

Keep moving, bud. 

[ego404]

On 6/9/2021 at 3:21 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't mean that she wants him back. I mean that she has not fully let go of the relaitonship yet, and is still emotionally attached to the idea of having him around. Rebounding does not necessarily mean they want their ex in their life again, but rather that they're not used to being single and are looking for someone to fill the void until they re-adjust. She is clearly not over that relationship yet, whether or not you want to see it. 

Either way, you are wasting your time. If she were as interested in you as you are in her, there wouldn't be this ridiculous back and forth. She wouldn't risk losing you. But she isn't into you enough to ensure that you don't lose interest in her. 

Keep moving, bud. 

I definitely get your point now well I think for now things are complicated

I thought about it long and hard and I realized I couldn't really do a relationship we have a lot of problems and distance so it would probably lead to the same thing. I ended up talking to her and saying this and I basically just told her if we could just talk normally no label. I said I do like her but she is right and that dating would be hard and we would have similar problems (basically agreeing with what she said two weeks ago.) She ended up asking if I meant just as friends to which I said yeah even though we tend to push the friendship boundary(her wanting to call late at night, flirt, etc) , but I just want to be able to talk to each other and be private and just have fun, no external drama. I also explained that I meant just talking whenever we felt like talking. 

Anyways she got mad and called me confusing and she said we were always friends to which I just said you were acting totally the opposite before and saying I wasn't taking you serious. She then said we have nothing to talk about and that she didn't want to be friends either basically. Theres more to the conversation but that's basically it, I was confused because thats basically what she wanted before but she just got mad.  I just said alright and that was the end of the conversation. 

 

Honestly I don't know if this is good or bad because thinking about it now I didn't think we could just be friends but it ended up worse than expected. I wont contact her again because honestly this is just confusing, she didn't want a relationship nor us just being normal. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to just move on from her. 

 

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she gets in touch when she's lonely or drunk but doesn't really want more.  Fundamentally, she doesn't trust you and I doubt she ever will.  I don't think there is any point in trying to get her back though because there are just going to be more and more 'misunderstandings'.  She wants to talk every so often but at the same time doesn't.  She really doesn't know what she wants and will just mess you about.

If you really like her - and I would not recommend trying to get back with her because I think you will end up hurt again - then you need to disengage from her.  Just don't chat, text, or maintain contact on social media.  She's just messing you about and allowing her to do that will lower your value in her eyes.  I think you need to write this girl off and look elsewhere for someone who knows what they want.