Housemate is making my experience of a new city/life miserable

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

I suppose this is more of a vent than anything else, but if someone has any advice they could offer to help me out I'd be very grateful. 

Earlier this year I made a big decision to move to a new city, it's something I've been thinking about doing for quite a long time as I was only in my previous city for work and felt stuck there. But with the pandemic and working from home, I had the flexibility to leave, and then I was served notice that my landlord was selling the house I was renting, so I took the leap.

A lot has happened since then - I've taken on much more personal and financial responsibility and my self esteem has improved exponentially. I even took steps to adopt a local street cat that was staying at my old house, and put a ton of research into finding somewhere suitable to have him move with me full-time. I guess you could say overall I've upgraded to another level of adulthood after many years of not feeling competent or stable and I'm pretty proud of myself for it.

However, not all has been rosy in one large aspect. The house I chose to move into is a large and amazing house, in a great location, perfect for my cat and even has a separate office for me to work from home, but I share it with another tenant. I've lived with people before and it's unfortunately unavoidable for me as a single adult with no car or outside financial support needing to live in the city. I of course did all the research beforehand, vetted several places and met with the current tenant beforehand both over video call and in person, and decided it would be the best fit.

This person has not turned out to be how she came across in the beginning. She seemed professional, well put-together, clean and conscientious. As the weeks and months have gone on she's becoming more and more of a source of stress and frustration for me. We're both adult professionals, me in my early thirties and her in her late twenties, so I thought she would have similar ideals about living together. 

She makes no effort to clean or keep up the house, at all. When I moved in, the previous housemate took all of the communal furniture and decorations, and so I took it upon myself to bring furnishings in with me whilst my housemate has provided nothing of her own, but seems more than happy to use the things I buy. I set myself a routine of cleaning the house as it's quite big and has several rooms, and have gone out to buy all the essential items needed to do so, including a broom, mop and bucket, dustpans, floor cleaner, sprays, towels and sponges, even a mini vacuum, and haven't seen her buy anything towards keeping the house. 

Not only that but I'm the only one who ever seems to clean anything. Because my cat uses a litter box and eats in the downstairs communal area, I regularly sweep and mop those areas, but find myself picking up after her mess too - whether it be crumbs and debris left over from her cooking meals or sorting laundry, or her stray hairs lying around the floor. Just as soon as I've finished she uses the area and leaves more mess behind. 

She uses the shared dishes to cook and eat and then leaves them sitting dirty on the kitchen side for days at a time, or will often order takeaway and leave the empty containers piled up on the dining table for a week or more. We have recycling boxes in the utility room next to the kitchen that need to be taken out weekly but if her containers are still sitting there after the bins are put out in the street, they'll stay there until the next week. 

Every time I use the bathroom after her, I find collections of used cotton buds, contact lenses, tissues or even sanitary products littering the surfaces, strands of her hair, and piles of dirty laundry with soiled underwear sitting in eye shot. She also forgets to flush the toilet regularly, sometimes multiple times in a day.

I put a bin in the bathroom for this reason, as somehow there wasn't one already, and she used it only up until the bag got full, then things went right back to how they were before. She made no effort to take it out, but once I did, she immediately started putting more rubbish in without a liner. 

I like to clean things up as I go so that they're available to be used when I next need them, but she will use my clean mugs and cups from the cupboard and take them up to her bedroom until there's none left, and maybe once every few days will bring down a collection of them to wash. Even my nice new glass barista cups that I was given as a gift went missing the day after I first opened them, before I'd had a chance to use them.

I started having to keep things like that in the back of my food cupboard to stop her from taking them, but she's also taken drinks of mine out of the fridge without asking and using it all in one go. I would expect things like that to be replaced straight away but it'll often be days before she buys a replacement, so I started having to keep my drinks in a separate mini fridge in my office so I know I'll have them when I want them.

Another thing she's started doing more often than not is forgetting her keys at home whenever she goes out, so she'll leave the door unlocked whilst I'm at home working in my office totally oblivious to the fact that anyone could just walk in at any time. Then when I go out during the day and she finds herself locked out, she'll call or message asking where I am so I can come home and let her in.

If I find that she's left the door unlocked while I'm home, I'll lock it from inside so I can work without worrying about it, but she'll come home and bang on the door loudly until I come and open it for her, which is disruptive if I have meetings or calls to take for work. As she works shifts I never know when she'll be coming or going, or how long she'll be out, and often times she stays at her boyfriends and doesn't come home at all, and I obviously don't want to leave our front door unlocked indefinitely.

I'm trying so hard to maintain a level head and deal with her in a  reasonable and rational way, instead of letting my emotions get the best of me, but I'm getting to the point of tearing my hair out with her. She doesn't seem to understand how much she's making me hate what is otherwise a positive and proud life experience for me. I was done living with students ten years ago, and didn't think I'd still be having to deal with this same behaviour from someone nearly my age, at this stage of my life.

[basil67]

Yes, this would do my head in too.   As I see it, you've got two choices.  A. give her notice that she needs to leave or B. try and work through it.  

If you choose B: When you interviewed her, did you tell her that you are house proud and want someone who's neat, tidy and willing to do their share of the cleaning?  Did she agree to this?   If so, have you revisited this conversation in terms of addressing things which you believe she should be doing?   

It's completely unacceptable for her to leave the house unlocked, but I don't understand what's happening.   If she's leaving the door unlocked because she's forgotten the key, then the key isn't forgotten.  Perhaps the key is lost rather than forgotten?   If you can get the rest of the cleanliness sorted, there are other ways to address this.  You could hide a spare key outside.  Or get pin pad entry lock.  

Lastly, 99% of what you complain about is completely reasonable, but there are couple of things which you should let go.  For instance, it's not your job to fold her washing.  You do your washing and she can do hers.  If she hasn't folded her stuff, it can live in her basket in her bedroom and close the door.   You also say it's a large house.  It's reasonable to only expect her to help clean the rooms which she uses.   When you are thinking about what to discuss, first work out if the entire list is reasonable.  

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

This sounds awful to me. I'd move rather than try to deal with her on it. What you describe is so extreme that I doubt she'll change. If you have a lease I'd talk to the owner of the house and explain the situation to try to get out of the lease. If she's the owner, then I'd tell her why you need to leave. Ugh! Yuck!

[basil67]

From what I read, OP bought the place.  Evicting is probably the best option.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. The best thing is to get out more and stay in your own lane.

You're not this tenants mother so stop trying to make her live a certain way.

Keep your areas how you wish and do not buy stuff for her or the household.

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, this would do my head in too.   As I see it, you've got two choices.  A. give her notice that she needs to leave or B. try and work through it.  

If you choose B: When you interviewed her, did you tell her that you are house proud and want someone who's neat, tidy and willing to do their share of the cleaning?  Did she agree to this?   If so, have you revisited this conversation in terms of addressing things which you believe she should be doing?   

It's completely unacceptable for her to leave the house unlocked, but I don't understand what's happening.   If she's leaving the door unlocked because she's forgotten the key, then the key isn't forgotten.  Perhaps the key is lost rather than forgotten?   If you can get the rest of the cleanliness sorted, there are other ways to address this.  You could hide a spare key outside.  Or get pin pad entry lock.  

Lastly, 99% of what you complain about is completely reasonable, but there are couple of things which you should let go.  For instance, it's not your job to fold her washing.  You do your washing and she can do hers.  If she hasn't folded her stuff, it can live in her basket in her bedroom and close the door.   You also say it's a large house.  It's reasonable to only expect her to help clean the rooms which she uses.   When you are thinking about what to discuss, first work out if the entire list is reasonable.  

 

Sorry I didn't explain properly in my original post, but we both rent the house from a landlord together and are on a joint contract. I made it clear in my original advert looking for a house and when talking to people that I am clean, tidy and houseproud, and at first she agreed and seemed totally on board. The house was clean when I came to view it and when I first moved in I now assume because the old housemate was taking the majority share of keeping and furnishing the house.

I've had conversations with her to address it and suggested having a weekly cleaning rota which she seemed reluctant to follow because she works shifts, so I've explained that it doesn't have to be a particular day, as long as we alternate cleaning of the common areas at least once a week and keep on top of her personal mess. Her reasoning is that before I moved in she was on furlough from work so had loads of time to keep the house clean, but once I moved in around April and her work opened back up she's all of a sudden been too busy and stressed. She also took on a university course which she says adds to her stress as she's often behind on her deadlines, so I'm met with a lot of excuses basically.

The key issue has been happening on and off, and she definitely has her key, however I think she just assumes that because I'm at home all day she doesn't need to remember to bring it with her and can leave the house without locking after her. I have spoken to her about this too and she says that she uses different bags and forgets to transfer hey key from one to the other.

I'm not at all bothered what state she keeps her own space in, and I also don't do any of her personal chores like washing or folding laundry, I only clean the common areas after myself when I've finished using them, so largely I'm frustrated that she makes no effort to clean up after herself in those areas. I have to work around her mess or deal with it sitting there for days at a time, and it's just the basic lack of hygeine that I have to live with which she seems oblivious to.

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. The best thing is to get out more and stay in your own lane.

You're not this tenants mother so stop trying to make her live a certain way.

Keep your areas how you wish and do not buy stuff for her or the household.

Thank you, yes this is what I've had to resort to doing. It's a shame because she seemed excited to have me move in and make the house nice together but so far she's shown no effort to do even basic things. I'm happy for her to do whatever she wants but when her mess and lack of hygeine starts to affect me living here and using the common areas it gets frustrating, especially as I make the effort to always clean up after myself and she can't seem to even try.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Ginger_cat_keeper said:

Thank you, yes this is what I've had to resort to doing.

Ok, roommates is more or less an economic situation. You're not a couple and do not need to be friends.

Keep everything separate. Start dividing things (mentally) into your zones/stuff and hers.

Do your own food/household shopping for your own stuff. Keep things in your designated cabinets/areas. 

The the "roomie" type sharing you do the less frustration there will be.

You claim it's a large house? So just stay out of each others way.

Keep your bedroom, bathroom and your part of the shared areas however you want and just let her live in whatever mess or way she wants.

Get out of the house more, especially if you work from home.

 

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, roommates is more or less an economic situation. You're not a couple and do not need to be friends.

Keep everything separate. Start dividing things (mentally) into your zones/stuff and hers.

Do your own food/household shopping for your own stuff. Keep things in your designated cabinets/areas. 

The the "roomie" type sharing you do the less frustration there will be.

You claim it's a large house? So just stay out of each others way.

Keep your bedroom, bathroom and your part of the shared areas however you want and just let her live in whatever mess or way she wants.

Get out of the house more, especially if you work from home.

 

I do agree on all of these points, as we weren't friends to start with it's been easy to keep myself at an emotional distance from her and pull back on being the friendly type roomie situation. However it has started to become me feeling like the mother of the house, regardless of how self sufficient or absent from the house I am, always being the only one to deal with and have conversations with her about everything, because it affects me directly.

It's easy to keep my stuff seperate and get on with my life until it comes down to communal things like using the kitchen and bathroom, having to remind her to do things like lock the door or throw her rubbish out or take her washing down off the line after her stuff's been left out there for days on end. I suppose I'll have to resort to getting my own washing line set up in the garden or get my own bins for the kitchen but she'd likely just use those for herself as well!

[MsJayne]

You're a patient woman, in your situation I would probably be up on murder charges by now because I'm much less tolerant of free-loading slobs than I was when younger.  Leaving mess for others to clean up and using the old, "I'll do it later", doesn't cut it when sharing accommodation, you're being treated like a live-in maid. Using the bathroom scenario as an example, don't clean up her stuff, scoop it up and deposit it in her bedroom. Dirty dishes...stack up and push to one side, and when there are no dishes left, demand that she wash them. Treat her like the errant child that she is. Either she will step up or she will move out. Another option is, given that it's a big house, get a third person in, someone with the same living habits as yourself, and gang up on her. She deserves it because she sounds like the type that probably has used sanitary products and dirty knickers under her bed and grows fungus in the 'fridge. 

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

8 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You're a patient woman, in your situation I would probably be up on murder charges by now because I'm much less tolerant of free-loading slobs than I was when younger.  Leaving mess for others to clean up and using the old, "I'll do it later", doesn't cut it when sharing accommodation, you're being treated like a live-in maid. Using the bathroom scenario as an example, don't clean up her stuff, scoop it up and deposit it in her bedroom. Dirty dishes...stack up and push to one side, and when there are no dishes left, demand that she wash them. Treat her like the errant child that she is. Either she will step up or she will move out. Another option is, given that it's a big house, get a third person in, someone with the same living habits as yourself, and gang up on her. She deserves it because she sounds like the type that probably has used sanitary products and dirty knickers under her bed and grows fungus in the 'fridge. 

That's pretty much how I feel at the moment. I've lived with plenty of bad roommates before hence why I did all the research and questions beforehand, but it seems it was just a temporary facade on her part. I have a feeling the person who I took over from probably made all the effort too, and now I'm slotting in to her place instead.

Our contract doesn't allow for any other tenants unfortunately, as much as I would love someone else here to back me up and be on my side, I'm having to just distance myself from the situation as much as possible.

I have always had a rule of not doing anyone else's chores for them, so her own rubbish, dishes and dirty laundry have just stayed put until she can be bothered to deal with them. Sometimes it's days, sometimes weeks. I don't think she notices or cares how long. Which would be fine if it was her own space, but it's not.

I dread to think what under her bed is like. I know she regularly eats takeaways and takes cups of tea and stuff up there and it'll be days before I see those mugs again, plus I rarely see the packaging end up in the recycling so.. yeah. Probably not a good sight.

Actually now that I think about it, the first few weeks my cat was quite stressed by the move and began habitually peeing on any piles of clothing left around, which I warned her about and immediately dealt with whilst training him to stop. But she's told me on a few occasions that he's gone into her bedroom and of course there's always piles of clothing lying on her floor, and occassionally I'll get a whiff of cat pee that I can't find the source of no matter how much I try to hunt it out. So I'm almost certain he's peed on her stuff and she's not mentioned it, and it's probably still sitting there now. It's a horrible thought but I can't do anything about it if it's in her space and she doesn't tell me.

Edited June 9, 2021 by Ginger_cat_keeper

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Ginger_cat_keeper said:

, having to remind her to do things like lock the door or throw her rubbish out or take her washing down off the line after her stuff's been left out there for days on end. I suppose I'll have to resort to getting my own washing line set up in the garden or get my own bins for the kitchen but she'd likely just use those for herself as well!

You're overdoing the mothering. She's a grown woman. Yes stop sharing unnessary things like clothes lines or trash cans. Lock the door yourself. 

You need to decide not to mother her. Do not treat grown adults as children. You're making yourself crazy "reminding her".

Stop trying to control anyone else this much.

You need to separate things. There's no reason to share this much. Clothes lines and trash cans don't cost a fortune.

Edited June 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

Since I last updated things have escalated.

It was my birthday recently and I had plans to go out and meet my dad for dinner after work. He lives in another city and I hadn't seen him in over a year due to the pandemic, so I was pretty excited. My housemate was out and I was planning to get ready to leave as soon as I was finished working, and shortly before 5pm, I heard what sounded like someone trying the front door handle - it was loud enough that my cat reacted to the sound too, but then nothing happened until I noticed my housemate had tried to call and sent me a few messages on my phone.

I immediately thought she'd forgot her key again and that must've been her at the door, but her messages were asking if I wanted to come and meet her for drinks in the park nearby. I told her that I couldn't as I had to get ready to leave to meet my dad, but she was quite insistent that I meet her and so I became suspicious that she was trying to get me to let her in the house without admitting she'd forgot her keys. I'd spoken to her about her forgetting them before and how it was unfair and disruptive to my day so I think she knew she was in the wrong.

After explaining that I couldn't meet her, I went upstairs to get ready and noticed more missed calls and messages coming in from her, very non chalantly asking if I could let her in, and so I knew for certain she'd been at the door earlier and tried to manipulate me into coming outside so she could get in. I decided to ignore her for now and continue to get ready until my dad called and I headed downstairs, where I saw my housemate in the hallway. I was surprised thinking maybe she found her keys after waiting outside, but was busy talking on the phone so continued to ignore her and headed out, making sure to lock the door behind me as I always do.

I came home at about 11.30pm and to my dismay found the door yet again unlocked, despite there being no lights on and no one around when I came inside, so I was livid thinking that she'd gone out and left the house totally at risk. Her bedroom light was off so I couldn't even be sure if maybe she was upstairs, but she should have locked up regardless if she knew I wasn't home and had gone to bed.

The next morning when I got up to get ready for work I heard her in her room, shortly before coming to knock on my door, and she admitted to me that she'd lost her keys entirely and asked to borrow mine for the day so she could get a copy cut. I was obviously fuming and told her that I'd need them in order to go out during the day, and instead of being apologetic she questioned what/when I needed to go out. I told her she already knew that I have a busy schedule with meetings and often can't plan when my breaks are, so I need to be able to go out for lunch or run errands at short notice, not that I needed to justify it to her. But she promised she would come back before midday to give my key back so I begrudgingly let her take it.

Later that day she came to give my key back and explained that it would take at least 4 days to get a copy made, for some bizarre reason, and so she asked if I could leave the door unlocked when she was due to come home for the rest of the week. I again reiterated that this was totally unfair for me, disruptive to my work schedule, not to mention how I was uncomfortable leaving the house open late at night when I was in bed. Because I work from home, all of my valuable work equipment and laptop is here, and it poses a huge security/data protection risk. If anything were to get stolen our company could get fined and I could lose my job. She just kept saying how she couldn't think of another option but would try to let me know her schedule ahead of time, and would stay at her boyfriend's house as much as she could.

I couldn't do much at that point so I left it at that. She packed a bag to stay out overnight and left. I was already annoyed that over the weekend, she'd left a pile of dirty dishes, sauce spills and leftover food all over the kitchen from a dinner she made for her and her boyfriend, a mountain of recycling in the communal bin, and a load of her laundry had been sitting wet in the machine since the previous week. Every day I'd see it still there and have to ignore it, and the smell from the washing machine prevented me from washing any of my own clothes properly. So when I came downstairs after finishing work that day, unbelievably I found yet more dishes shoved carelessly shoved onto the pile, and still nothing done.

From that point on I've decided to shut her down and start compartmentalising everything in the communal areas so that everything is hers alone, and she can keep adding to it as much as she wants, but it has nothing to do with me. I've kept seperate and put my own rubbish and recycling out on bin day, contained my cooking and cleaning to a small section of the kitchen, and continually dumped any of her wet laundry out to wash my clothes and take to dry upstairs on my airer. Perhaps she'll notice that despite me doing everything as normal, the recycling bin is overflowing, she has no clean clothes, the kitchen is overrun with dishes and old food, and if she wants to leave it like that, I can carry on ignoring it but if she does decide to face up to it, every bit of it will be hers. I'm no longer going to respond to her calls or messages unless it's necessary, and she can forget about doing fun social things together like having dinner, watching movies on my big TV, using my coffee machine or sharing my expensive gin. Everything nice is being put in my personal space until she can prove that she's able to respect me and the house enough to share.

[ShyViolet]

At this point this has become an unlivable and unsafe situation, and you need to break the lease and leave, full stop.  Do whatever you have to do to break the lease.  These are extenuating circumstances.  She is refusing to even keep the house securely locked, and she's irresponsible to the point of barely being able to function.  You need to MOVE OUT.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Seems more like an irresponsible teen than a grown woman. Yes. Lock all your stuff up  and get a lock on your door. Does she have drug/drinking issues?

[stillafool]

Get another roommate.

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Seems more like an irresponsible teen than a grown woman. Yes. Lock all your stuff up  and get a lock on your door. Does she have drug/drinking issues?

Thanks. She is like a teenager is so many more ways I can't describe without going into detail and it's incredibly frustrating. If she continues leaving the house unlocked after copying her keys I will have to resort to getting a lock on my doors for my own safety.

I don't get the impression she has a substance problem, but she does have emotional issues and goes from being very unmotivated/messy/scatterbrained to having a few manic days where she'll try to get her life together but it never sticks.

 

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

14 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

At this point this has become an unlivable and unsafe situation, and you need to break the lease and leave, full stop.  Do whatever you have to do to break the lease.  These are extenuating circumstances.  She is refusing to even keep the house securely locked, and she's irresponsible to the point of barely being able to function.  You need to MOVE OUT.

Honestly I would love to, but I have to consider the health and wellbeing of my cat as well. He's older and didn't cope with moving too well in the first instance, so I don't want to put him through that again. This is a great house for him and me otherwise. In an ideal scenario, she will leave instead as I shouldn't have to pack up everything and move again when she's the one causing issues.

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

Get another roommate.

Fingers crossed if she gets worse I can fight to get her to move out, because I don't want to go through moving again so soon.

[basil67]

How much longer is left on the lease?   Counting the days.....

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

Just now, basil67 said:

How much longer is left on the lease?   Counting the days.....

It's 12 months and I moved in April, so quite a while unfortunately.

[basil67]

Oh no

 

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is stop enabling her irresponsibility and start looking for a new place.

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

What's so frustrating is that I chose this place based off the positivity of the old housemate too, and when I saw the house to meet them both in person before I signed the lease  everything was fine. She was leaving to buy her own place and didn't give any negative impression of living there. They're still friends and we've met up a few times and she seems to love my housemate, so I'm totally baffled as to how she didn't have any of the same issues. I've thought about talking to the old housemate seperately but I don't know her well enough to feel comfortable doing that, as she could well take her side and cause more friction.

[Wiseman2]

Contact the landlord. You seem to be wasting your time playing mom to her.

This is a business (rental economy) arrangement, right? 

You're co-renters, no?

So you need to reread your lease with a fine tooth comb and contact the landlord in writing about legitimate grievances.

The emphasis on legitimate. Skip the "scatterbrained and messy', personally conflicts and address only what is in violation of the lease.

In the meantime stop mothering and enabling.