Being broken up with a girl who used to be a friend is one of the worst pains I've ever experienced.

[CLG128]

Hey there, there is a lot more to this story you can find out by checking my profile.

Thanks to all the strangers who helped me with advice through this process on my other posts. You guys are very appreciated.

 

Anyways, long story short for this post. I dated a woman who I used to be friends with when I was a teen. She was a very close friend but we grew apart for years. When we reconnected we started dating and everything was great...until she became distant. She said it was because of her previous relationship that left her traumatized as the guy was very mentally abusive. I felt bad for her, but she put distance in place because she was basically emotionally unavailable to me. When we broke up, she explained that I shouldn't feel bad about wanting more, it's just that she wasn't mentally there to give me what I needed.

I denied the offer of being friends with her because I fell hard, and I knew I would be lying if I agreed to it. I told her that if we did do that, our relationship would never be the same because it had changed now. I explained that at the moment it would be too hard for me. It was obvious that throughout the relationship she worried so much about our friendship ending, she even said this in the very beginning. I wanted things to work though, but I knew that was constantly on her mind.

 

Now I'm healing, but I feel so absolutely awful that I denied her that friendship. It's been eating me up inside everyday and I don't know why I feel like this. I'd love to reconcile now that I'm accepting of everything that happened, but I know I can't. It may be seen as I'm trying to get her back, which I'm not.

 

I guess it just hurts me so bad that I ended this, I cared about her as a person. Has anyone else went through this? Was it wrong to deny friendship and regret it later? It's definitely rougher than any breakup I've ever had. I hate knowing I let someone that was hurting with their own past go. 

Edited June 8, 2021 by CLG128

[LivingWaterPlease]

You were fine not remaining friends. That's most of the time what is needed to get over someone. If you're truly over her I see no problem with explaining to her that you're ready to be friends now and are not trying to get back together as a couple. Just make sure you can handle a friendship with her without starting to have bf/gf feelings again.

[ExpatInItaly]

You didn’t let her go, OP. She let you go. You didn’t end this - she did. 

Your focus on the past friendship probably has a lot more to do with not being ready to let go of the relationship, but your mind is trying to convince you that this is all about just keeping her in your life as a friend. 

Based on your other thread, you two actually fell out of touch for almost 20 years, and only reconnected a few months ago when you started dating. As such, I fail to see where this amazing friendship is that you just can’t let go of. You two had not been friends for a very long time. 

Try not to conflate the  pain of breaking up with the a misguided desire to stay friends. Her offer of friendship likely wouldn’t have meant what you hope it did, but rather an attempt to be civil and friendly when you happen to see each other. I seriously doubt she wants to be good buds and hang out and chat, given that you two apparently hadn't had that sort of friendship since you were teenagers anyway. 

I think you’re panicking over rejecting friendship because you’re terrified of admitting to yourself that this is over. 

Edited June 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry you are here... but this is why I've said time after time... a "Friendship" takes just as much effort as a "Romantic relationship", and you have to keep those separate, because you can not go back. 

I have 4 female friends that are close.  They were my lifeline after my D.  But never once did I try to make any of them a romantic interest, or even a FWB, because I didn't want to loose what was between us.

It will take time... but you will recover.