Am I attracted to women with narcissistic traits?

[lula69]

I know this is a hard thing to answer for anybody, but I wonder if other guys on this forum have had the kind of self-consciousness to recognize if they are not only reproducing some pathologic baggage they might have, but that they actually get positively a kick of the wrong woman?

Quickly my situation. I have a pattern of chasing after unavailable women it seems. I married young and stayed married for 15 years. But I wasn't happy from the start. I "fought" for her to say "yes" and I realized way too late that that might have been a bad idea. I broke out of that marriage. It wasn't pretty and I didn't do it smoothly, but I was decided. Something in me wanted to move on to higher grounds. I wanted a woman who wants to work with me to kindle passion. And I know kindling my passion for the woman in my life means that I obsess about her for substantial part of the day, I think it is what we choose to fill our mind with that will fill our heart also. And I feel that the women in my life didn't do the same.

Now be that as it may, I had a case for a few years with a girl who ignited a passion in me but she wasn't honest with me and she was, well, what I consider borderline with the narcissistic tendencies. There is one thing I noticed as a pattern: she didn't really know who I am, didn't know or even ask much about me, nor remembered what I had already disclosed, and didn't really care. 

Then after that went down (I quit accepted that she essentially quit on me, and it was hard for me, but I embraced it, and today I am very glad!) I got to know what I thought was the girl of my dreams. I mean she seemed to check EVERY box I had on my secret wish list, every box and then some more that I didn't even have on my list. She also really seemed to love me. Yet she too had this thing about overlooking essential parts of mine. This started bothering me. It seemed she had this relationship all alone, she created the love and the drama and what I did made little difference, especially what I said. I felt like the real me was in the way of he having that perfect relationship, and I ended up waiting forever for this promised dream with her to come true.

Fast forward 7 years. And we are at the end. I said: if you have to continue to take 7 year old things I said and be offended (and "hurt") by them, and you cannot in your reasoning mind create an understanding that I might not have been so wrong and unfit for her for saying what I said then, like, if you cannot get over my flaws and accept them as something that from my perspective made sense and that may not have been perfect, but that isn't worth keeping in mind and pull out of the drawer of old grievances every single time that you feel bad, then I just can't come back. I told her many times, even in front of a counsellor, "you seem to hate me" because she had so many complaints that would never ever go away (despite her promising that this time she was over them.)

Strangely when I said I wouldn't come back until this was resolved, it didn't really seem to bother her THAT much. So, after all, I seem to be dispensable. That is definitely not the relationship I want to be in. So here I am by myself leaving that relationship behind, after having been at the point of having to accept her leaving me many times, and it is sad but I am also looking ahead and I will not give up on the dream of a passionate life.

I feel my libido down, despite I looking around for prospects of the type of women that I like. Hard to top my current parting woman, so beautiful was she (though certain (psychosomatic?) diseases have taken their toll. I have a drive for passion it's in my head, even if my libido is seriously dampened by this. When I was with her and things were good, I'd be on fire easily. And when I was with her and things were not good, I'd still be on fire ... and not happy that she wasn't available for me. Now that this is at its sad end, I feel empty and without that fire, but I still want that fire.

Does anyone else experience this? Lack of physical libido but the mind is still at it wanting and wishing and searching to light that fire again?

Now comes my point. So, since she is the one who has rejected my begging to just accept me and let us then really get to a stable point of happiness together, she the one who so often had let me go, she the one who doesn't seem to care enough, for whatever reason, I'm not blaming her, but I have a life to live and 7 years of stagnation and failed attempts left me with desire to be free and move on and try out new things. So I am on certain venues to make connections, and I found a number of women that I really like, that are similarly striking my cord. But still none of that turns me on. Of course I am still recovering. HOWEVER, the point is that there was that one whose photos struck a cord way deeper and then I've been conversing, and I wonder if not again she is going to be unavailable and possibly not interested in me. But this being manages to put a spell on me that makes me alive. And yet I wonder if I am just knowingly walking into that same trap again. 

They say it happens, but in my case I seem to know it is happening. Or rather, I don't know, but I suspect it.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, lula69 said:

  Lack of physical libido but the mind is still at it wanting and wishing and searching to light that fire again?

Have you seen a physician about this?

Do you have ED? Get an evaluation and see if you are depressed .

Some therapy would help you sort out some of this.

[lula69]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you seen a physician about this?

Do you have ED? Get an evaluation and see if you are depressed .

Some therapy would help you sort out some of this.

Yes and no. I am definitely not depressed. My body works this way, when I am in a relationship that's nice or near that one who I love, I am full of life. When in a transition phase or in an awkward situation, I am not so much. 

My point here was the observation what type of woman, particularly face, would ignite that fire in me, and I wonder if I always pick what eventually has no chance of succeeding.

[dramafreezone]

Every single one of us walking the face of this earth has narcissistic tendencies, so that doesn't really mean a whole lot by itself. 

The intensity of these symptoms is what determines where we are on the narcissitic scale.  If you've ever met someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, who's like an 8, 9, or 10 out of 10 on my made-up narcissistic scale  (and I've only met one for sure), it is a sight to behold, in a negative way.  With this woman (who was extremely beautiful by the way) it was to the point where I'd drive up to work and pray that I don't see her car parked there.  If it was there I'd dread going in.  She was a tornado that left destruction in her wake wherever she went if she was not properly accomodated (in her mind).  If she was pleased/catered to, then she was quite lovely.  From what you said, it doesnt sound like your GF is anywhere close to what I saw with this woman at my job.

I think the problem lies more with you and a severe lack of self-esteem.  Why did you feel you had to fight to get anyone to marry you?  Were you already profoundly unhappy and felt that you needed someone to fill that void in your life?  You cannot have a successful marriage when there is that type of asymmetry in the relationship. 

You basically told her that she is above you in worth and importance, so she has no other choice but to behave in that way.  Also I sense a lot of neediness from you, with your insistence that she know you as a person and understand your feelings.  I don't think it's about this woman.  She may have a completely different disposition with someone that demonstrates confidence and self-worth.  But you didn't value yourself and act as such, so she didn't, it's as simple as that.

I see that it's all about women that you like.  Do you think it's important at all that women like you?  I say that because I used to think like you, if I liked a woman it was full speed ahead, regardless of how she felt about me.  With more wisdom, I know now if the interest from her isn't close to what I have for her, she's disqualified.  Not sharing at least close to mutual attraction should be a deal breaker.

Go to therapy, fix yourself and begin to express to yourself and the world that you have high value.

Edited June 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[lula69]

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

With more wisdom, I know now if the interest from her isn't close to what I have for her, she's disqualified.  Not sharing at least close to mutual attraction should be a deal breaker.

Yes, exactly. I think you might have read 30 years of my life story with an idea that I didn't develop. I was indeed low on self esteem when I was young and married. This is, I came to know, normal for guys and it is the reason to advise against guys marrying young and, by consequence, against hat "dating in your age group" dogma. I totally see that different now. And I have my lack of self-worth beaten out of me. I can now welcome the opportunity freed up by my last 7 year relationship now breaking down for good. yes.

And you being a recovering co-dependent with a full blown narcists, hat tip to you for surviving this and getting on to higher grounds. I certainly would not have stayed in such a relationship. In fact, in my first interim at the end of my long marriage, it was my self-worth revolting that I did not try to make that relationship work. Same for the decision to blow off my long first marriage. It was not ideal, but I turned the boat around, and that was all part of me "fixing myself". 

BTW, I didn't feel like therapists are a very good option for men. Most of them have a female-centric mind set despite all. Feminism is deeply embedded in the thinking of professional shrinks and distorts the whole thing. But I digress. 

I guess my point was exactly what you summarize in your quote. An imbalance between me caring for her in detail and she caring for me in detail. And me opting for the same experience again just as I am coming out of the last one. And my observation is that it is more than just the behavior that I'm going for. It's not that I am looking to be mistreated. It is rather, I find myself enchanted by the face of a girl who is rather self-centered (to not exaggerate with the word "narcissistic tendency". The facial expression is that aloofness. 

Here, I give you an example. See [redacted]. This is the type of face that turns me on. And in every picture you see this aloofness, this inward sensual dreaminess, rather than an outward free giving shine. I wanted to bounce that off with people to see if it resonates with anyone else? 

Edited June 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial link

[mark clemson]

Hmmm. See a therapist. I get being attracted to "complicated" women as I am as well, but you have to be able to go for a "right" moderate level of "complicated", not a personality disorder or disorganized attachment. Study up on personality disorders and adult attachment theory so you actually understand what you're getting. These women will NEVER end up being right and if the relationship actually lasts, at best you'll be one of those dominated and kept-in-line husbands that you sometimes see. Ok for some perhaps, but probably not something most men would wish on themselves.

You describe "fire" (arousal I assume) - it may be you have a fetish of some kind for these women? I sort of do too, but I have a LOT of fetishes so missing out on the "complicated women" stuff isn't a big deal for me as there are many other things that can keep me interested. But some people have only a few fetishes, so this may be a bigger deal for you. Again something you could talk to a therapist about, although I'm not sure you can actually change this.

Ultimately you'll need to make "right" choices for you. For some folks that is quite tough to do, unfortunately.

[chillii]

l dunno op , doesn't sound like there's enough women in that to call it a pattern or tenancy but more so obvious traits that come with those personalities that attract you , not the bad traits the good. It's like a lot of crazy chicks can have gorgeous lively fun spasmodic personality traits and a wildness, it's very easy if your that way inclined to fall for her , but thennnn, you get the crazy too. But you love her traits , not the crazy, so they'll attract you again in someone else. Only this time your a wake up , eyes open haha. and if your smart you walk away and resist those other traits that attracted you in the first place. Not to mention they're often be very good looking and with great bods.

Sounds like it's the goods in the personality that unfortunately go with that bad side , that clicks with you, not that your subconsciously going for that bad side, there's a big difference. The libido, of course , anyone with any depth will lose that side of things after awhile if so many other big things are missing that are important to you. 

Edited June 9, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, lula69 said:

I didn't feel like therapists are a very good option for men. Most of them have a female-centric mind set despite all. Feminism is deeply embedded in the thinking of professional shrinks and distorts the whole thing. The facial expression is that aloofness. 

So you are into the 'resting witch face' look? Maybe that  justifies reasons for hating them? Keeps you safe from women if you can love/hate them simultaneously.