Not having a mother who loved you.

[weddingdoubts]

I’m hoping to find someone here to share their experiences with not having a mother who loved you - weather you physically had one, and they didn’t love you, or your actually did not have one at all (or a step-mother, or adopted mother either).

 

Reason is, I am curious how people who never received the love of their mother (which is irreplaceable) have dealt with it - did you find it in a partner? (Personally, I find it unfair to expect a partner to provide that same kind of ‘unconditional’ love a mother is supposed to) or did you turn to other things, like drugs, sex, etc.

 

Our is there something more positive that somehow replaced that irreplaceable sense of acceptance and 'belonging' ? For example, did you became obsessed with something and find rewards and ‘acceptance’ or something else from that? Maybe religion? Work? Your own kids ( I don’t have any).

 

I guess I am wondering what could possibly ever replace or ‘satiate’ that quest or need for knowing that your mother loved you ‘unconditionally’ ( that one person in the world who is supposed to do that) and would have even possibly given her life for you. How do you ever replace that ‘hollow’ empty feeling that you hear other’s talk about, but you never had? Thanks!

[glows]

I didn't have an always-stellar relationship with my mother. There was a lot of lost time. I won't go into details. Yes, I found peace and joy in other relationships and no, I did not expect my partners to fill that void and I didn't turn to drugs, sex or addictions. I have never been addicted to a substance. I thought of the other relationships I had and they were enough support and love.

I agree with you that it's unfair to expect a partner to play that maternal also. Are you finding that you're being burdened in a role you didn't wish for in a relationship?

[weddingdoubts]

49 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you finding that you're being burdened in a role you didn't wish for in a relationship?

No, my partner has two 'normal' parents  I was just saying that I have never looked for 'replacing' a mother with a partner, as I don't think it seems fair to them (or anyone  

 

So, were most of the other relationships that you found support and love in platonic? Thanks!

[divegrl]

Hi!

I grew up with 2 parents who struggled a lot.... and could never show their love for me.  Worst yet... is that I am an only child... so I had no-one to confide in. My other family members lived very far away. 
 

The very first person who told me they loved me was my college roommate. Being in college I finally saw how dysfunctional my family was. 
 

I struggled a lot. I have been dx with depression, bpd, hpd. Then in my mid-30s, I became very spiritual. Started meditating and mindful awareness Dropped the mental health labels that were given to when I was a teen... and did a lot of work on healing my childhood trauma. 
 

I have been in a much better space. I still grieve the mother wound... but have grown so much through forgiveness. 
 

Hope this helps.... my therapist recommended the book “the unloved child”.  I have yet to read it... but comes with great reviews so maybe that will also help with your journey. 
 

Sending love friend. 

[weddingdoubts]

10 minutes ago, divegrl said:

“the unloved child"

Thanks, Divegrl

I googled the book, and it's a fiction novel by Prue Phillipson - is that the one? I was hoping it might be more 'self-help'  

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

No that is not the right book.... I am getting the title wrong. 
 

I actually see my therapist this Monday... and will have her clarify. ☺️
 

Wishing you the best. 

[weddingdoubts]

2 hours ago, divegrl said:

I actually see my therapist this Monday... and will have her clarify. ☺️
 

Aw, thank you Divegrl! All the best - stay safe & healthy  Thanks again!

[MsJayne]

My mother is one of those mothers who is incapable of genuinely loving anyone, a narcissist in the true sense of the word - the whole shebang of complete disconnection from the normal human emotional experience and concerned only with her own well-being. It has a devastating effect on the children of these women, and the effects last a lifetime. How do you fill the "hollow" left by a cold mother? If you're lucky you'll have another person in your life, an aunt, a grandmother, sister, whoever, who will step up and give you the love and guidance, the unconditional approval, that mothers are supposed to give. If you don't have that, you're in for a rough emotional ride through at least your early life.  I started doing drugs at 13 as a way of coping with the emotional distress. In my teens and early 20's I was an emotional trainwreck, and later on I became hard as nails despite being a very empathetic and kind person, (you might not guess it from some of my posts, but I am, seriously ).  The worst effect of it was that I was so worried that I too would be an inadequate parent, (I had been gas-lighted for a couple of decades so I genuinely believed I was mentally disturbed), that I made the decision not to have children myself, something that has been very hard to live with.  By the time I realised that I wasn't the crazy one it was getting a bit late in the day to find someone to start a family with. As far as filling the void goes, you can't. You learn to live with the low self esteem caused by parental rejection, and therapy can help guide you towards understanding what happened, and you can learn to negotiate your own emotions and perceptions to limit the damage done by what is essentially devastating psychological and emotional abuse by a parent. You can never expect a partner to 'parent' you, but you can parent yourself to some degree. I also believe that having children of my own would have filled the void, but unfortunately I didn't have anyone to tell me that, and I was absolutely committed to breaking the cycle in our family. 

[weddingdoubts]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I made the decision not to have children myself, something that has been very hard to live with.  By the time I realised that I wasn't the crazy one it was getting a bit late in the day to find someone to start a family with.

Hey MsJayne,

Thanks for your reply... Yes, one of the things that bothers me most about all of this, is how late in life I have (or am  coming to terms with it. I feel like such an idiot for 'believing' in motherly love (and finding it someday  as a kid, when I should have just cut my losses and realised it was never going to happen. Anyway, I am truly very sisrry for your losses, and wish you all the best  Thanks!