Set up for the truth

[msoptimisticagain]

I was a poster/lurker here for a very long time a couple of years ago. I quit posting/reading because it just simply was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be the exception to the rule. I wanted to be the OW who the MM was so in love with that nothing could ever keep us apart. Fast forward almost 10 years and I decided it was time to grow up. In my mind I knew that I was just a side piece and probably the side piece that made his M bearable but I just could not break the addiction. Then I began going down the moral road. What right did I have to interfere with their M at all? It wasn’t a matter of how much I loved him - because I did love him. Part of this whole big mess was that entering the A was a decision. And it became a decision that I made over and over. And no matter your thoughts on God or karma, it was just plainly a wrong decision. But move on past making the decision and I became (and still am) soooo addicted to this person. I could not accept that he would lie to me. I could not accept that he was anything less than my person who I deserved to have in my life and forget anyone and anything else. Forget his W and child. Forget my H and 2 kids. I wanted and loved and needed and deserved this man and this relationship. But slowly I came to see how much pain is involved. Not knowing what’s going on in his world is so hard but then you find out either by FB posts or whatever and then knowing is so hard. You can’t win. It is a battle that cannot be won.

So I set up my own little sting operation. Didn’t ask anyone’s opinion and told no one so no one else could be put in a bad place. I set up for his W to be made aware that he could be cheating on her. And let me explain to anyone in this situation that this man told me he loves me more than he had ever loved anyone. That he thought about me day and night. First thing when he woke up in the morning and last thing before he fell asleep at night. I was THE love of his life. If you are currently in an A, I can assure you your MM could not profess his love for you anymore than mine did for me. Until there was the least bit of conflict and he disappeared. Overnight. No answered phone calls. No return calls. No texts. Nothing. Because you see - we, as the OW, have given everything of ourselves for a fantasy. And an unreal fantasy. He was never going to be my knight in shining armor. I was never going to be by his side. I led a double life for a decade. And the only thing worse? To live a double life for a decade + a day. So now my new reality is this. I betrayed my H and rest of my family as well by not being present in their world while I was skipping around in LaLa Land. I can’t remember how to be calm or what it’s like to try not to cry when you’re heartbroken and embarrassed and sad and all the other negative emotions that go along with the ending of an A. But you know what’s different this time? This time instead of concentrating on the hurt I am TRYING to concentrate on how it will be on the other side. My prayer is that my “want” to get out will be so great that I can move forward and after some withdrawal and time that I can begin to put him out of my mind - and heart. My fear is that I have loved him so much for so long that I’ll be one of the posters here who says it’s been years and the pain is not any better. 
I have my proof. He couldn’t have dropped a hot potato any quicker! 
I know this is a really long shot but there was a poster here named Poppy that I really always wanted to talk with. But I welcome any advice from anyone with some insight that will make this journey any easier. I fully and consciously realize that if opportunity presented itself and I went back that I would only be putting this miserableness (if that’s a word) off. It is inevitable and I want the peace that comes on the other side. And I mean I really want it. 
And also if anyone can help me with a couple of other things it would be muchly and greatly appreciated. 1) If you are on the other side of an A, what did you do for the for the first few minutes/hours/days/weeks just to get through? Unfortunately with my job I am off for the summer and the days are endless. There really is only so much one can do to keep busy before you catch yourself crying while watching Lucifer on Netflix! And 2) and most importantly, if you moved past an A and remained married how did you do it? I don’t not love my H but he has so paled in comparison to my MM for so long that it’s hard to just sit in his presence and be calm. I want to run down the hall screaming that I’m dying inside but I’m eating supper (which I have not yet been able to get down - some diet!) and having conversations about the day. Sometimes I truly believe I am going to go crazy.

So there’s the story. I went after my truth and boy did I get it. And yea before anyone asks I have picked up the phone and called just to see if he would answer but every single time I do that I break my own heart all over again. Every. Single. Time. Like there’s going to be another outcome. 
So please offer any advice. Before I wasn’t open to reality and often got my feelings hurt. Now I don’t believe my feelings could be hurt any worse so send your best advice, your tips, anything that would help you if you were in my shoes! Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any help!

[Sun Seeker]

I would never be in your shoes.

But if I was, the first thing I would be doing is divorcing my partner, for their sake. Staying in your marriage with your husband is just plain selfish. Do the right thing and think about the other person for once.

[Starswillshine]

Ouch 10 years and your husband doesn't suspect anything?

I am really sorry you are hurting. Sending positive thoughts your way. 

[msoptimisticagain]

Punterxx Thank you for the comment. And congratulations on being so confident that you would never be in my circumstances. I assure you I would not wish it upon anyone. And if you’ve never made a huge mistake then you are very lucky. I made a mistake that has cost me peace and that’s a very hard place to be. 

[msoptimisticagain]

Starswillshine It sounds like a cliche but it literally was one day led to another and to another until the time had passed. It’s sad and it’s embarrassing but I will take all the positive thoughts I can get! Knowing what has to be done on a level that I have never realized it before doesn’t make it any easier. Just adds to my resolve to make it to the other side! Thank you!

[Bittersweetie]

Does your husband know about your affair?

I ask because there can be no comparison between your H and your AP. Your AP is secret, illicit, and you don't experience him through the eyes of real life like one does a husband. You see him through the rose colored glasses of an affair. Plus, if your H does not know, how can he compete with AP when he doesn't even know he is in a competition?

My A was not nearly as long as yours, and my H and I were not living in the same place at the time so I was able to separate the two very clearly. However once the A ended and I started spending more time with my H, I began to see how special he is, and how much I projected onto my AP what I wanted and needed at that time. I'm not sure you can clearly evaluate your relationship with your husband with your addiction to AP muddying the waters. However I will say that with the length of time that you had the affair, I'm not sure if your marriage is recoverable. One of the things my H told me was that my affair took the truth of his own life away from him. I did that for one year...you've done that to your husband for almost ten years. Think about it...how would you feel if you found out your life was based on a lie for a decade? It's a really, really difficult thing to discover and work through. I experienced this myself, though not affair related...and I have to say, the pain is so, so deep.

As for action, I would do a lot of journaling and self-reflection on why you thought what you were doing was okay. I would read a lot on relationships, marriages, and self-esteem. I would talk with a therapist to peel the onion of your whys. These are all things I did. Good luck.

ETA: Make sure the journaling and reflection is focused on YOU, not AP. I think many WS sometimes focus on the actions and reasoning of AP too much in order to avoid facing one's own actions and consequences. I know I did that. 

Edited June 9, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[msoptimisticagain]

Thank you Bittersweetie! I came clean with my H probably a couple of years in. He thought it ended completely and I tried for a short time but it started back up. The comparison is not fair and I would be pissed if I thought I was being compared to another woman. And the whole rewriting history thing is very true. Things that happened with H years ago that I loved and respected him for were rewritten in my mind as him being arrogant and showing off. I know I have a lot to deal with - including a conversation with H. Right now I’m still trying to wrap my head around the shame and ignorance of me thinking me and my situation were unique and we would have a happy ending!

[mark clemson]

Some who answer may be thinking of your husband more than you (and in a few cases may not actually admit to that). That's their prerogative I suppose, but since you are the one here posting not him, I'll maintain (what I believe are) your best interests in mind.

3 hours ago, msoptimisticagain said:

an unreal fantasy. He was never going to be my knight in shining armor. I was never going to be by his side.

I don’t not love my H but he has so paled in comparison to my MM for so long that it’s hard to just sit in his presence and be calm. I want to run down the hall screaming that I’m dying inside but I’m eating supper (which I have not yet been able to get down - some diet!) and having conversations about the day. Sometimes I truly believe I am going to go crazy.

Now that your fantasy/band aid is gone, you are left with reality. It doesn't sound happy. However, as you recognize, your desire/emotional bond with the AP may be interfering with your ability to fully assess how happy/unhappy you actually are in your marriage (or would be without the "interference").

So I think you need to take some time to become more emotionally grounded in the actual reality of your marriage/family life. This will probably take at a minimum a few months. IC to help you process things might be a great idea as well. Recognizing that it's truly over/committing to the affair being ended will probably help as well; otherwise it will continue to be a distraction.

Once you are grounded, you can (hopefully) take stock of two things:  how happy are you really, and what do you really want.

IF you're still unhappy, you would have the same main options to consider that anyone unhappy in their marriage has (and I'm making no specific suggestion for you here):

- Work on the marriage, e.g. via marriage counseling

- Separate/divorce

- Cheat/EMR (not that you're likely to be choosing THIS again)

- Do nothing/look for other ways to make yourself happy

- Open the marriage (not recommended, this certainly isn't for everyone, and probably isn't what you're really looking for anyhow, but it does work for some folks apparently)

 

So, IF you still feel unhappy those will be (IMO) your main options. (There certainly could be things I'm not thinking of as well.) However, IMO you need to get yourself to a place where you can truly assess how you feel and what you want before thinking through those options even begins to make sense. And that will take some time.

[msoptimisticagain]

Good point Mark Clemson. I hadn’t really thought about opinions from H’s POV. But that’s absolutely fair. I believe that some would be amazed at how much H and I actually do together. In fact, I seriously doubt anyone even close to us would suspect any troubles. The problem to me is like I suspect a drug addict would be. When I’m with H I’m thinking ahead to my next “fix” with MM - either a call or a text. We don’t live a huge distance apart but only actually see each other about every 6 weeks or so. I’m fully depending on the first few weeks of time and NC helping to break the spell but 3-6 months right now seems like an eternity. (Coming from the decade girl!). But I’m betting on that peace that comes with breaking this horrible addiction. That’s my mantra for today “There will be peace on the other side!” Thanks for sharing! I need all these comments!

[Poppy47]

Hello 

Poppy here. What did you want to ask me specifically?

[MsJayne]

You probably have a good, solid man in your husband, and you have to address why he isn't enough for you.  My mother had one very long affair, and several other liaisons during her marriage to my father, and the reason she did it is that she has a mental health issue which affects ego, she needed to feel lusted after and desired, not just by one man but by men in general. Probably therapy is the way forward, to help you understand why you're so discontented with your life that you've spent ten years focusing on a fantasy instead of valuing what you have. 

[msoptimisticagain]

Hi MsJayne. I have questioned myself many times about my mindset where men are concerned so your comments about your mom are very interesting to me. One thing I haven’t addressed but that is an issue is that I live in a very rural area. The nearest counseling services are a 2 hr drive away. I am looking into virtual therapy. Did your Mom ever resolve her issues? Is there a name for what she dealt with? Thank you for sharing that.

[msoptimisticagain]

Hi Poppy! I am so glad to hear from you! I remember reading and reading and searching for your posts when I was on here previously. At that time it seemed to me that our situations were similar? So I know you have answered these a bunch of times but specifically…1) how long was your A (I was thinking it was around 10 years)? 2) What was your breaking point? 3) Do you think it was an addiction like alcohol or drug addictions and if so why did we “addict” to a person who was unavailable? 4) Did you follow on social media or choose to just not know? A pic posted on their joint FB page is what set me in motion to find out once and for all where we stood. 5) If you have had a final break, how did you survive the first few weeks of NC? Did you have to relearn how to spend your days? 6) Have you come to understand your state of mind to stay in this toxic place for so long? 7) Have you got to a point where you see any positives and you no longer hurt as bad?

Sorry for all the questions but I always respected your opinions. Counseling is not an easy answer for me because of logistics and until I can work out something virtually I’m muddling through on my own! Thanks for responding.
 

[Blind-Sided]

15 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Ouch 10 years and your husband doesn't suspect anything?

Or... he just doesn't care.

I have a female friend who is... more or less in this position.  She has had an on-off A with a guy she works with.  Her H knows... but would rather be in a crappy marriage, than to be alone.   The real issue here is... as the kids get older... they will start to pick up on the stress and anger more, and it won't be a good place for them.   The bad part of all of this is... her AP is a total D-bag.  He is no good for her... and she knows it. They break up every 3 months or so, and then I hear about it... then she "Works on the marriage"  Then the OM comes around, talking nice... and she goes running back.

@Bittersweetie has it right.  It's not that your OM was a better person, or loved you more... he was just an adrenalin rush.  The only reason your H is "Pale in Comparison" is that... he represents real life... and the life YOU actually chose, and have committed vows in.   Your OM has no responsibility with kids, or jobs, or rent... it's just passion. 

You will never be happy with your H because you don't actually want to be.  Even if you work on the marriage... your mind will wander to other people and places.  Do the right thing... come clean to your H and tell him how long it's been... and then file for D. It won't be easy... but it's the right thing to do. 

Edited June 10, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[msoptimisticagain]

Hello Blind-Sided. I feel for your friend and hope she finds her way to a better situation. One reason that I have come back to here is because my closest friends are truly tired of my drama and I know that and don’t blame them. So I have chosen to not tell them what I did in the setup or that I have chosen now to commit to working through this hardest of hard hurt and pain. I’ll tell them after a few weeks have passed and I feel like I can do some with some proof of my commitment. Your friend is lucky to have you.

I am really trying one step at a time. My kids are grown and out of the house but I know I have made comments in front of my daughter that do not set a good example for her. If anyone is in an A and reading this please refrain from badmouthing your spouse. That will always come back to bite you. Every time. Today I have to make it through the day trying not to obsess over this whole thing and once I succeed at that then I’ll take the next step including the discussion with H. But as much as he deserves that the bottom line truth is one person can only take/do so much at a time without a total breakdown. The steps that have been offered by previous posters are all 100% correct. But a mind is fragile and when you undertake the journey of moving past an A you have to do what you can when you can to get to the point to do all you need to do.

Thank you!

[Allupinnit]

OP how did you set up the MM to be found out?  Has she actually found out?

[msoptimisticagain]

Allupinnit Not my proudest moment but I got one of those apps that gives you a second phone number and made contact as a woman who has been contacted by her H. I actually told her that we had flirted and talked about meeting but I never actually went through with it. So she really knows that he has put himself out there but I didn’t give her any proof. If I had run this by my confidants I’m sure they would have talked me down but I didn’t. Obviously since I’m ghosted I can’t know for sure what happened but my guess is that she called him on it and told him if she ever got proof she’d take the child and leave. I knew that he would choose dumping me to save his M even if it was for the sake of being with his child every day. I guess I subconsciously just felt like if I knew it without reservations that it would make the breakup easier. But it didn’t. Today I just keep telling myself that my mind will settle with time and this knot in my stomach will loosen up at some point.

Again not my proudest moment and I would never suggest it but I got my answer.

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, msoptimisticagain said:

Again not my proudest moment and I would never suggest it but I got my answer.

No one can judge your actions. You wanted an answer. You deserved to know so that you didn't spend even more of your life waiting for something to happen with this man who lied to you and used you for 10 years. I think the best way to expedite getting over him is to get angry at how he deceived you for 10 years, making you think he could never love anyone as much as he loved you. Make him the villain in your story and maybe you'll come out of the fog.

Ten years is a LONG time to be living in that fog of deceit. Once you have distanced yourself from the fog, THEN you can more fairly evaluate your marriage and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. I would imagine that fostering a level of disdain for your husband helped you justify the affair these many years. Until you're over that, you can't really determine the truth about the state of your own marriage. I hope that makes sense. If you truly find you don't love your husband, I hope you set him free so that both of you have a chance to find real love.

[msoptimisticagain]

vla1120 I think you said what I was trying to say but way better! Telling my H is absolutely on the table but I have to get out of the fog first. I fully understand why everyone here says telling him is of utmost importance and it is but it has to be from a place where my emotions are not all over the place. 
Now getting out of this fog is crazy. I wish anger would come and hopefully that will be one of the steps of moving forward. Not there yet though. I really want to do this whole moving on thing right and put it behind me forever. And doing all this processing while dealing with raw emotions means literally taking this one second at a time! 

[vla1120]

9 minutes ago, msoptimisticagain said:

vla1120 I think you said what I was trying to say but way better! Telling my H is absolutely on the table but I have to get out of the fog first. I fully understand why everyone here says telling him is of utmost importance and it is but it has to be from a place where my emotions are not all over the place. 
Now getting out of this fog is crazy. I wish anger would come and hopefully that will be one of the steps of moving forward. Not there yet though. I really want to do this whole moving on thing right and put it behind me forever. And doing all this processing while dealing with raw emotions means literally taking this one second at a time! 

If you can talk to a therapist, that will definitely help you move on faster. Writing in a journal might help you (especially when you are angry.) The fact that he continually lead you on, letting you think he never loved anyone like he loves you, etc., for TEN years would be enough for me to get my back up. I am sure he doled out his share of disappointments during that ten years, but he was very good at drawing you back in (like he obviously did after you broke it off the first time, years ago.) Try to remember those times when he said or did something that was inconsistent with someone who "loved you more than anyone else." I'm sure they're there. Latch on to those times, let them be your motivation to drop kick to the curb any emotions you have for him (other than pure disdain, for taking up 10 years of your life!)

[msoptimisticagain]

Making a list now of all the times he said one thing then proved himself by doing something different. Thank you. And not sure if you read a reply I gave earlier but therapy/counseling in person is a minimum of 2 hours away. Researching virtual but I’m old school and a bit leary but if I get comfortable with it I’m 💯 willing to try it!

[Bittersweetie]

I think Mark has an excellent point in regards to becoming more grounded before you decide how to move forward. My d-day happened about 3-4 months after the affair ended, so I had had some time to away from the affair before facing the consequences of it. Even though I was a mess, I was a bit more grounded at that time than I was just a few months earlier and it led me to make healthier choices for myself and my H. You can still do virtual therapy and read books and message boards online to gather information and other perspectives that can help you decide what path to take forward. Good luck.

[Starswillshine]

No doubt he wormed himself out of it. I wish someone would have told me earlier that my ex was cheating, but without proof, he would have just talked himself out of any and all issues. 

While I know your intent isn't to help his wife, she is probably going crazy right now having this doubt but zero proof. It sucks to be in that position. So send her better info that she can know for sure what sort of man he is. Some undeniable proof that for over a decade he has been lying to her. 

[msoptimisticagain]

Starswillshine Wow! I honestly had not even thought about that. I had worried about what might be said in front of their child. But whoa…I’m completely unsure about what/how to give her that info. In fact, although this is only going to sound selfish, I won’t give her my identity to protect my kids who live in a very small community. Talk about there being so many wrongs to having an A - here’s the proof. So to get my proof which is tearing me up then I’ve also torn up her world because I am assuming she will probably think that what I told her is as good as cheating but yet she technically has nothing. In some ways I thought she would not believe any of it and just move on but I’m guessing from the ghosting that is not how it happened. Wow…the repurcussions just keep coming?

[Amethyst68]

What will you do when his wife calms down and he comes crawling back?  The chances are high this will happen, it's easier to restart with an old MW/AP than start grooming a new one, especially since his wife doesn't know who you are. 

Unless she found out through his phone or computer or he's actually been honest, it does happen on rare occasions.

Are all your children out of the house?  If so can you find the time to do online counselling while your husband's at work? 

You really need to tell him sooner rather than later, unfortunately he now needs to go for an STI test. You have no way of knowing who your AP was having sex with as well as you.