Set up for the truth

[Poppy47]

On 6/11/2021 at 1:12 AM, vla1120 said:

If you can talk to a therapist, that will definitely help you move on faster. Writing in a journal might help you (especially when you are angry.) The fact that he continually lead you on, letting you think he never loved anyone like he loves you, etc., for TEN years would be enough for me to get my back up. I am sure he doled out his share of disappointments during that ten years, but he was very good at drawing you back in (like he obviously did after you broke it off the first time, years ago.) Try to remember those times when he said or did something that was inconsistent with someone who "loved you more than anyone else." I'm sure they're there. Latch on to those times, let them be your motivation to drop kick to the curb any emotions you have for him (other than pure disdain, for taking up 10 years of your life!)

Agree with remembering all the horrible things when you are feeling any inclination to go soft on NC. Poppy

[anika99]

On 6/10/2021 at 7:01 AM, msoptimisticagain said:

 Obviously since I’m ghosted I can’t know for sure what happened but my guess is that she called him on it and told him if she ever got proof she’d take the child and leave. I knew that he would choose dumping me to save his M even if it was for the sake of being with his child every day.

Wow, you are still lying to yourself. I remember you. You were msoptimistic right? the stories match. I had a look back at your previous threads just to refresh my memory and what I see is that this is just more of the same ole same ole. Your affair started sometime around 2012 with a man who is on his 5th marriage to woman almost 30yrs younger than him. At the beginning of his affair he had no children with this wife. In 2014 she intercepted a text from you to him and he cut contact with you for a bit. There was no child involved at that time, yet he didn't leave her for you. In 2015 you approached his wife and hinted at the affair (so this is not the first time you have played games with her) and he again stopped talking to you for a bit. There was still no child at that time yet he still didn't leave her for you. Looks like this child didn't exist until around 2017 or 2018, which would have been at least 5yrs after this affair started, yet here you are telling yourself that it's this poor kid's fault for keeping your MM trapped in his marriage. In any case this is just the same merry go round you have always been on, nothing has changed. You know your MM is going to come sniffing around again once he finishes gaslighting his wife. 

It's been almost 10yrs of this nonsense and at this point I think you need serious therapy. You have become so hopelessly addicted to this drama that I don't see you being able to stop it on sheer willpower. Your MM is obviously never going to leave his wife. You know that and I don't think you even care at this point if he leaves or not. You didn't tell his wife with the expectation that he would leave, you told her just to get your fix of that emotional pain and drama. Leave his wife alone, the next time you want to stir up some agony in yourself and others, tell your own spouse. Take a look at your previous threads and notice how routine this has become. You need professional help. 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, anika99 said:

Your affair started with a man who is on his 5th marriage to woman almost 30yrs younger than him.

Yikes! 

30 minutes ago, anika99 said:

Looks like this child didn't exist until around 2017 or 2018, which would have been at least 5yrs after this affair started, yet here you are telling yourself that it's this poor kid's fault for keeping your MM trapped in his marriage.

Interesting. 

30 minutes ago, anika99 said:

In 2015 you approached his wife and hinted at the affair (so this is not the first time you have played games with her) and he again stopped talking to you for a bit.

Very, very interesting. 

30 minutes ago, anika99 said:

It's been almost 10yrs of this nonsense and at this point I think you need serious therapy.

I would absolutely agree. If this is all true, you have a serious problem OP. Why you have continued to dally in this affair for so long is beyond me when the outcome seems rather inevitable - you can either stay in this affair or leave, but you won’t get the man. And really, why would you want him? The other thing that seems rather obvious here is that you have no right to interfere with his wife in this way. Let’s hope this time, you learn that lesson. 

Optimistic seems not to be the right word here. Delusional, seems more appropriate. 

Edited June 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/12/2021 at 2:49 PM, BaileyB said:

Why you have continued to dally in this affair for so long is beyond me when the outcome seems rather inevitable - you can either stay in this affair or leave, but you won’t get the man

I venture she is less interested in getting the man and more interested in engaging in all the power struggles. Lots of power struggles--with him, with his wife, possibly others?

There appears to be some deep psychological pattern here about the push and pull between powerless and powerful. 

It seems it's a never ending cycle of feeling powerless followed by trying to over-exert control to feel powerful...repeat cycle ad infinitum. 

OP, at some point in your life you must have felt a very deep sense of powerlessness and a sense of not being able to defend yourself (which caused you to feel enormous shame), and maybe that's why you are locked into this drama. Your MM is a high-level master manipulator btw. I can see the patterns here and hope you will too. 

[Starswillshine]

On 6/12/2021 at 2:20 PM, anika99 said:

You know that and I don't think you even care at this point if he leaves or not. You didn't tell his wife with the expectation that he would leave, you told her just to get your fix of that emotional pain and drama. Leave his wife alone, the next time you want to stir up some agony in yourself and others, tell your own spouse. Take a look at your previous threads and notice how routine this has become.

This seems to be quite common in AP/MP. The need for drama in their lives to keep things "interesting" and always on their feet. Stability is BORING. 

[msoptimisticagain]

I had an opportunity to get away for awhile and I took it! Came back to read posts and I do believe that those who have posted/commented about being addicted to drama are correct. And I can’t explain that. Reading the comments brought back lots of memories of never feeling as if I was as good as all the other females around me. I won’t get into those boring details here but I can definitely see that pattern. And yes for anyone wondering he did reach out to make contact. He never one time mentioned anything to do with his wife being contacted so I’m not sure if he just didn’t think it was me or he just didn’t care. Honestly in my mind I believe there is another “other” who is getting the blame for the contacting and I’m the one that it’s easier to restart with vs. trying to find someone new for the role of side chick. Anyway, after that I have stayed in NC. It is simply hard. There’s no way around it and yes, I have done more research into virtual therapy. Fortunately being away for awhile has helped but back in the real world is tough. 
This next statement is NOT a poor pitiful pity party for me thing - it’s just a fact. I struggle with what to deal with from one minute to the next. There’s pain bc no matter how wrong it was I really love this man. But I love only the parts of him that he let me see which of course included none of the bad. I am embarrassed about everything. I get mad bc I let myself be played. I feel like one of those people who have been scammed on Dr. Phil that you ask yourself how could they have been so stupid. I feel bad for his child bc there is no doubt I have caused tension in the household that affected him. There are just soooo many emotions to deal with that it does become overwhelming.