hammered Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 (edited) Well, been reading you quite some time, sp. when at my lowest, had an user account around 2014 but, to be honest, don't even remember my username. Had lots of help and I truly feel thankful for this. Long story short: late bloomer, first gf at 22, got dumped after 6 months. Got along with different women with no real depth. Lots of sex, lots of partners, crazy nights, many ONS... some more or less lasting friendships with sex, nothing fancy at all. Now, at 30, my turmoil begins. Met that beautiful lady, had sex the first night, felt wonderful. Met again, had sex for a second time, got along very well, best connection since my 22's and that's saying quite something. Maybe infatuated? Most probably. Still it haunts me thinking that it's been almost 8 years to feel something akin to closeness, emotional attachment or whatever. Now, she texted me saying that she just met a (better) one and we can met again for some beers but that's it. Obviously, a no comes from my side. Two sleepless nights ruling out crazy s***, including facial surgery and suicide. Why? Because I'm fed up. I'm mad at thinking how detached I am from my very innermost point of interest: women. I've never aimed dating 10's or 9's, so to speak. I enjoy a decent conversation. Obviously, since teen, I'm mad at the unfairness of being unable to get a super gorgeous chick just because of my genetics - I'm, well, I like myself, but I don't seem to drive any woman crazy at all save for a certain ex-gf who still tries to get me on her tracks. I'm fairly small (1,70m, which always got me a complex), muscular, well mannered and a real library rat with some things to share with but, well, it ain't enough. It seems it's never enough. I'm always that second dish and I feel really small when a (normal-to-above-average) woman passes by at the train or down the street. Actually, I'm depressed beyond repair because I'm just thinking of objective things when my parents and close relatives just tell me to "be patient and hang on there". I think I've kept calm for a whole life. I've came across many, many dating apps and been frustrated beyond repair due to the small chances to meet a decent, intelligent and good looking girl who will 1) be interested in me 2) be interested in a lasting me. Well, I've thought of suicide because yes, it's sad, but women are my #1 interest in life and, believe me, I love many, many things - it's just that, when there's no woman around, I feel uninterested. And don't get me wrong, I've ruled it out many times because of, well, instinct of survival, cowardice and some sense of "good things are still to come". Not so sure anymore, and won't commit suicide but truly hope for death to come soon. It's unfair for my family and close relatives. I don't want them to suffer. That's why I must refrain from some thoughts and won't EVER do any crazy stuff - but, at the same time, I don't see hope for my dysfunctionality and I just want to bid farewell all this world of empty stuff, deviation and meaningless relationships (or even meaningful ones that wouldn't dare to touch me with a stick). To be honest, I don't know what to say, nor how to behave in order to fix many things. I've thought of my problem from many viewpoints, and any "just grow a pair and have new hobbies" won't work out in the end. I'm out of meds (antidepressants) since one month ago and I don't have any interest in touching that stuff from a meter again. I just want to be normal, have a functional sentimental life and be able to meet a decent woman that could turn me on and pique some kind of non-sexual interest, charm, magic or whatever you wanna call it. It's so difficult I'm starting to think that I might never have it. And yes, I'm "young", but I'm scared shitless to think that it will take too many moons (once again...) to achieve it. It's so hard for me to cope with this boredom. Once I've tasted wine it's so weird and unfair to get to sip urine again, if you catch my drift. Sorry for the long, stupid rant. I thought being an anonymous, open-hearted user would be welcome. Thanks for your responses. Edit: one psychiatrists has pointed out I'm aspie, and this might be cursing my dates. I strongly disagree, and I think I'm done for good if I really am. I think I'm socially functional, I know how to act in public and I have a good sense of empathy. Maybe this helps to figure out something. I know of the good vibes of this site, and I'm open to any reply. Edited June 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 Many more ups and downs ahead buddy, You have plenty of good stories to tell- enjoy the journey and the women Link to post Share on other sites
Author hammered Posted June 10, 2021 Author Share Posted June 10, 2021 7 hours ago, Foxhall said: Many more ups and downs ahead buddy, You have plenty of good stories to tell- enjoy the journey and the women Thanks for the kind words. I really hope there was a sane, healthy way to find them. Dating apps are hell and there's no way I'm meeting someone at the train station (Spain is already infested with all the #metoo drama and any approach is perceived as intimidation and harassing... unless you're gorgeous, which is not my case, heh). I've even considered moving to a different country, which sucks because I'm now, finally, after many years, at a cool workplace and I have plenty of projects with likeminded people here. But I reek of despair and social/affective hopelessness takes place. Link to post Share on other sites
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