Emotionally dead inside. How do you survive?

[MetelAngel]

Alright.. so here is goes my whole life put into a couple of paragraphs. I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw Mr. Wonderful. We were in high school and I was one of those quiet, painfully shy people. I said absolutely nothing to this guy.. I just kinda followed him around at school. Finally a dear-friend got me to talk to him and we hit it off. We soon became best friends and were pretty much inseperable.. I could tell him anything and he could tell me anything. Anyway.. times went on and I ended up losing my virginity to this guy.. He told me he loved he, he promised me forever.. I was acutally on the rebound and was pretty much just in it to feel physically and emotionally wanted. I got well and we continued sleeping together. I knew though that he was sleeping with this other chick as well.. She ended up being some kinda-whore.. who was sleeping with a ton of other people so she ended up breaking it off.. and he was okay with that. We became a couple and dated for close to two years. He did all the romantic stuff.. Picnics in the park, flowers, poems.. everything. He told me he loved me forever and could picture us being together in the future.. he could see us having a family and what not a little ways down the line. Anyway.. on our ""offical"" one year anniversary I had to leave town.. my family decided to take one of their really rare trips to a place that we had been dreaming of going. He said he was okay with that and what not and that we'd celebrate our day when I got back.. and so I left. Low and behold I return a week later and he's not the same person. He said that he had, had reservations at a really nice restaurant for six months and that he had, had the whole week planned out for us to have a little get away. He said I crushed him when I left and cried and was all around miserable.. He ended up spending a ton of time with his friends.. and whole lot and they are all those jerks that no girl ever wants to end up with.. A month of him not really calling or want to hang out went by and I had an emotional break down/series of anxiety attacks and broke it off. Within the next hour I was driving to where he was to appologize, yet he wouldn't have anything to do with me. He didn't have anything to do with me for about a week. Finally we talked and he told me he still loved me and that I was his "one and only". I thought this meant we were back together.. I was wrong.. very wrong... We continued sleeping together and he continued telling me that he still loved me with all his heart, yet he stopped calling and started ignoring my phone calls.. I was lucky to see him once a week. I finally got him to talk about what he was feeling and he said he needed to find himself and that he really didn't want a girlfriend right now.. or anytime in the next year. At the same time though we were still sleeping together and he's still sitting there telling me i'm wonderful and that he can't live without me. I'm confused and demand that we "get back together", meaning the commitment. I'm not a high dollar chick.. I'd take walking through a park, or sitting under the stars over an expensive dinner any day.. yet he said that a relationship was too much stress and too much money and that he just wanted to be himself. I told him good-bye.. and said I couldn't handle it. Two days later we were back together.. a week later I said good-bye again and he said fine and walked away without flinching. Again I ran back to him sobbing.. he finally said if I say good-bye one more time he was really gone.. He was okay with the way things were for about two weeks.. but I was dying inside. No phone calls.. no seeing him.. just.. hanging on to when he felt it was good for him to see me. So again.. I said good-bye and meant it.. I thought for sure he would be on my doorstep in an hour saying that he really loved me and couldn't live without me. Like he promised so long ago.. I was wrong.. he didn't come.. he didn't call.. so the next day I went running to him demanding anwsers, yet.. he said he really meant goodbye.. that he really didn't want to see me anymore. That I said good-bye for the final time. Then he said he still loved me and needed me in his life, but didn't want me in it right now. I dont understand. I dont get it. He says he loved me, yet he doesn't want to see me.. he doesn't want me around and when we're together.. we have an amazing time.. and talk like best friends. This my "one and only" this is the man I want to be with forever, yet he doesn't know what he wants.. Finally, after I refused to move from in frong of his car door he said that we would talk in a couple of days.. that we'd talk it over when I wasn't so emotional.. and decide what to do from there. How long is a couple of days?? And if a guy is saying all this stuff and telling you he still loves you and wants you in his life but "needs time" what does he mean? I've been pretty miserable lately.. not eating.. just kind of crying and sleeping.. it's only been two days since he said a couple of days.. and still no phone call or plans to see me. I dont understand.. Should I seek therapy. Does he really love me? Does he want me? or is he just tugging at my heart strings to see how bad he can really hurt me?

[In Sync]

First you will survive.

Now on to the second part of my reply. After reading your situation, I have to say your guy doesn't come off as a jerk and that very important. Why? Because he seems to want to just go at it alone. No breakup is going to be perfect and without pain, but he did try to cool it off with you. The problem came in your not accepting it. Hey, you are not alone. None of us accepts it well when the person we love wants to move on without. Ok, now it's time for you to take charge of yourself and walk away. You can't force him to make him want to be with you. Yes, it doesn't feel good that you still slept with him and still it did not mean commitment, but sex is not a bargaining chip with anyone nowadays you know that. You on the otherhand can't afford in your vulnerable position to have sex with him in the near future if you see each other again. GIVE HIM TIME. At least he still wants to talk. BUT if you want to spare yourself anymore pain. STOP any attempts to call him or talk to him. Yes you will hurt cry even crawl in a fetal position BUT do that away from him. You have to go through it...you have to let yourself feel this heartache in order to get through it. And if you two talk, let him initaiate it. until then nothing you will do in terms of contacting him will serve any purpose for you. In fact, it will driive a bigger wedge between you. GIVE HIM ROOM TO BREATHE. In the meanwhile, you must focus on yourself. You won't be able to stop thinking about him, but you can do other things while you think about him..be it focus on school any activity or merely hanging out and watching a movie with a friend. This is your job. Everyday report back here something you done for yourself. Everyday for a week. I'll keep checking and looking out for your progress.

[Outcast]

Does nobody believe in paragraphs anymore?

[In Sync]

Does nobody believe in paragraphs anymore?

 

 

someone a little cranky today?

[MetelAngel]

I'm trying to do what you said.. it's really hard though. He IMed me last night.. and said he wasn't sure if he loved me in the same way anymore.. He said he wasn't sure if he loved me like a friend or as more then a friend. I asked him if he could picture life without me in it and he said no.. but.. he also said that me being in his life didn't mean me being married to him. This was a devostating blow to my already tender state. I mean.. it hurts to hear that maybe he's not "in love" with me anymore.. I know he loves me and cares for me, but he also cares for his friends.. He also wanted me to promise him that if the opportunity rises for me to get on with my life that I should take it. I couldn't promise him that.. I couldn't promise that I would just get on with it like everything was fine. Why would he ask me that? Why would he ask me to promise him I would just move on? For now I'm leaving him alone.. gonna let him figure things out.. he'd supposed to call me when he feels a couple of days have gone by so we can talk in person. I just.. I'm so sad.. I've been trying to get out there. Like today, I went with my mom and had some lunch and talked about all this crap.. and this evening I'm supposed to have dinner with a friend. I'm just not feeling better.. at all.. I'm really miserable.. I just keep thinking of all the great times we had and how we were perfect together for so long.. how can a person just forget about all of that stuff? How can you simply pick yourself up and move on with life when you just lost the purpose for your existence?

[downcydeguy]

I'm really sorry about all this but In Sync is absolutely right. You will survive - we promise. It sounds like he's being relatively decent about this whole situation, which is more than most women will say about their exes. He's a teen with raging hormones so it will be almost impossible for him to turn down your physical advances. The problem arises afterwards, when he realizes that you're not what he wants emotionally right now.

 

Life will truly get better eventually. Good luck.

[In Sync]

well, you can either see things bleakly.. but I think your situation is so much better than you can see right now. He has not shut the door on you say wants you out of his life. He did not dump you by going off with another girl. What he wants is to have his freedom and you can learn to accept it gracefully or you can not and cause endless days and nights of suffering for yourself.

Of course you love him, but and forgive me but I am not being patronizing you both sound rather young. You both have an entire future ahead of you. There are so many choices ahead of you. Yes you love him, but a year or two from now...even three months from now you may chage and he may not be "The One" you thought you would marry.

Unfortunately people in life do fall out of love. The heart breaks but its amazingly strong and can heal itself. Continue to do things even those you don't feel enthusiastic. Just keep yourself busy doing things.

Do NOT contact this guy any longer. You will not change his mind. And you will eventually trun him off by becoming clingly and appear desparate. DON'T give him an excuse to completely shut the door. I warn you he will cease being patient with you. He wants his freedom let him go. Love is not POSSESSIVENSS. Let us know what is happening.

[MetelAngel]

I wish I had seen your post before hand, In Sync.. I just called him and asked if he really meant he wanted to see me in a few days.. He said no. He said he doesn't want to see me for awhile.. He said me blocking his car door was a little creepy.. I was just trying to get him to talk to me when I did that the other night.. But still he said he doesn't want to see me for awhile. I asked him if awhile meant ever again. He said no.. he said just not anytime soon.. So then I asked if we could set a date and he said okay.. We're not going to see or talk to each other for a month. Now I have to be the strong one here, because he made it clear that he can live without me in his life.. which is killing me. I have to be able to cope with the person I am for a month. I just cant help but think that a month will come and go and he wont contact me on the date we set.. I think he's just going to let me go and not even think about all the things we went through.. I'm really a mess.. He's just not really into me anymore.. He wants to hang out with jerk-men and get drunk with girls who are known to have bad reputations. I dont understand it. I did everything he ever wanted me to.. I think maybe I was just too available.

[In Sync]

MetelAngel

 

I wish you had read my e-mail and now maybe you will read it again and again.

You are experiencing heartbreak, and we have all been there. In your mind you think if I can just convince him he'll change him mind. NO HE WON'T. Believe it or not, when he sees you and hears from you he sees OBSESSIVE CLINGY DESPARATION. A guy does not find that attractive. IT IS A TURN OFF!

No one wants a desperate crying clingy girl. So if you want this guy LEAVE HIM ALONE. You are losing control of yourself and being a drag to him. Write posts after post. Write in a journal..BUT STOP calling him.

Because now all the good memories he did have of you are slowly being replaced by an out of control stalker. No you are not a true stalker, but if he feel weirded out by your behavior he will lose trust in you and want to get away as much as possible. Right now he's being rather understanding. and I don't fault him or see his decision as anything but reasonable. Keep occupying your mind on other things. Obsess over yourself. Become vain if you must. Build a new world where you are the center of attention. That will draw him to you, and if not him another may be drawn to you.

[MetelAngel]

Alright.. I'm leaving him alone.. I dont plan on calling him. If I can survive this week then I should be able to survive the next few.. I'm not feeling very excited about anything anymore. I'm highly doubtful that he'll stick to our plans in a month.. If he doesn't call on the date we set, should I be the one to initiate contact.. or does that just mean he really doesn't want to see me if he doesn't call or say something about our plans? I really dont understand this.. I dont get how he can say he loves me yet just let me go. I dont understand that at all.. And, yes, In Sync you are absolutely right that is the thought that keeps going through my mind.. if I can just make his see what he's losing maybe he'll hold me closer.. But again you're right it's not working. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him.. I'm going to try to just.. pretend like he died or something until a month has passed.. The bad thing is we share friends, not the jerks, but the ones he close to the good friends.. and they dont want me to go away, yet equally they tell him everything I say or do and in turn they relay everything he says to me.. Which kills me, because I dont want to know what he's doing while he drunk.. Luckily he hasn't wound up in some random persons bed.. I'm forgiving, but I was having issues with the fact that I wasn't his first, and that he was mine. If he were to wind up with someone else I would take it as I was not satisfying to him and that he just wanted to get away from me so he could screw around with other people.. I guess this is where trust comes into play. The one thing he kept saying was if it's meant to be, then it'll work out. Yet at the some time most people who say that dont put forth any effort to make it work, which I have a feeling is how this will be. I dont know how to move on.. I dont want to move on..

[In Sync]

I dont want to move on..

 

That sums it all up. Trust me..that's the vibe he is reading from you and from his side, you are NOT IN ANYWAY IMAGINABLE APPEALING. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I am trying to help you.

You must start thinking of yourself like JLo thinks of herself, Paris Hilton thinks of herself, Jennifer Anisto thinks of herself. Sienna Miller...I hope you read about celebrities, because my point is..they too have had men in their lives that wanted to move on. Of course they are hurting and crying and feel the same thing you go through..butat the end of the day THEY ARE ALL ABOUT PUTTING THEMSELVES FIRST.

Are you doing anything to flatter yourself? WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO? And if your answer is only think about him, you are a repellant to this guy. NO GUY LIKES A CLINGY GIRL WHO IS DEPENDANT ON THAT GUY. It's too much pressure. Imagine someone hanging around your ankles saying I love you I love you. Get my picture. It's unattractive. If you have shared friends, then see them separately. But when you see them...make sur you look positive and good. Because your friends will eventually tell them how you are dealing..which is better for him to hear..that you're crying over a beer or you're looking better than ever. Being independant and confident and doing your own thing is like a magnet to people because they want to know...what's she got going on? How come she aint fallingapart over him?

Cry on this website but pull yourself together and start focusing on you.

 

By the way "not wanting to move on?" Even if that's true...how does that game plan help you in getting him back into your life?

[unintentional]

I dont get how he can say he loves me yet just let me go. I dont understand that at all.. And, yes, In Sync you are absolutely right if I can just make his see what he's losing maybe he'll hold me closer.. But again you're right it's not working. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him.. I'm going to try to just.. pretend like he died or something .. The one thing he kept saying was if it's meant to be, then it'll work out. Yet at the some time most people who say that dont put forth any effort to make it work, which I have a feeling is how this will be. I dont know how to move on.. I dont want to move on..

 

• I know how your feeling MetelAngel...and in a way I almost dont want to reply to this post because I am in a very similar situation..
  
• I know how it feels to be alone and lose the one person that was always there and it was so perfect.
  
• I know what you mean by trying to make him realize what he's losing by trying to convince him of it all..
  
• I know how it feels when YOU DONT WANT TO MOVE ON...
  
• ...and I believe that we all create our own faits...(sp?)...I believe you have to fight for what you want in your life...and belive me I'VE FOUGHT!...but after a while it gets really exhausting..
  

 

• 
  
• I do believe things can get better though...
  
• I myself would love for someone like In Sync to help me through my issues with my love.
  
• I wish I would have read this post sooner, because I fear it is much too late...i have already shown my weak, clingy, desperate side...but now..i know i must stop..if you love him, let him go..if he loves you..he'll come back. ...but he's already come back twice...what if it just wont happen this time!? it is very scarey..
   
  
• I love someone and he loves me...he just doesn't want to be with me right now..and it does hurt. it hurts so so much...
  

 

But then after a while, after I stop and breathe for a moment..I realize that I dont want someone who can give up on me so easily and just want me to go away...I'd want someone to feel for me how I feel for this boy. It's just scarey because....we were so perfect together and NOW he's not even sure if he wants me in his life. it's a terrible thing to feel..and hear from the person you love the most in this world.

 

 

just know your not alone on this one. ..it's nice to know that im not..and it's wonderful to have people like In Sync around...so clear and fresh.

 

Thankyou In Sync..you've even helped me alot!!!!

[In Sync]

unintentional

 

Thank you for the kind words...

 

The reason I can offer this insight is because I have been through my own personal hell in wanting someone who doesn't want me..but I was not fortunate enough to have found LoveShack in the midst of my early stages of having been dumped (and no you guys have not been dumped so please don't take offense) It is a horrible experience to go through the agony of separating from someone you identified with especially in your heart. I've been through surgery, injuries, broken toes...but this pain is more deep than physical. And really when I read your pain and others I am deeply touched. And in this world if someone can just say 'I understand' that is something the human soul needs to hear to help in healing and addition to the hard facts of what you should avoid doing so as not to inflict more suffering upon yourself.

When you attach yourself to another you risk getting hurt because there is no guarantee they will stay in your life permanently. But the early stages of letting go is almost like falling and not knowing where you will land. Its frightening! I assure you what feels like a terrible lonesome experience will eventually turn into a feeling of lightness of being and you will feel whole. And feel independant. Dependance is a form of bondage it is not love. I repeat attachment depending on another for your happiness is NOT Love it's suffocating and the other person will run like hell from feeling trapped.

 

My main point is to try to show yourself that love. Inwardly and outwardly.

[unintentional]

You are by far, the wisest person in love that I have yet to come in conversation with...

 

Just knowing that you went through heart ache and found your way out of it....or healed some what accurately..

 

And your right...it is frightening right now!!! VERY frightening...it hurts JUST to think of him being with someone else and being able to love her like he did me...It may seem harsh..but I really dont want him too...I dont know if I'll even be able to love someone as much as I did him...I dont want some other girl to have what I had with him..it's too painful to think of...I hope I'll never ever have to see it either..

 

My mom tells me to just NOT CONTACT him at all..we were always there for him..and she said she wants him to now experience what life is like without us..but im sure he'll be fine..so im scared to let go..i dont want him out of my life..but it's starting to seem like i have no choice. ...I am only 17 after all...I've got my whole life ahead of me...But Im not exagerating when I say that he and I were truly an amazing item..so it hurts so much to lose that..

[unintentional]

I posted two new thread on the breaking up threads...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72959/

 

and the other...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73113/

 

your words and insight really have seemed to help me...but would the advice be different if you knew MY story?

 

if you have the time...

[MetelAngel]

Once again I'm crying uncontrollably.. I ended up txting him about getting some concert tickets back. My sister said she'd pay me for them. And he inquired as to why.. I said cause there's someone I'd really like to go with you dont know "him". To make it sound like I wasn't waiting around for him.. He ended up calling me while I was out with some of his friends and they all said not to tell him I was with them.. so when he asked who I was with I said I /cant/ say.. and he got really angry and hung up on me. Anyway.. He ended up coming by at 9 at night flaming mad. He got out of the car walked up to me and was like "We're over. I dont want to see or hear from you ever again. I cant believe you'd do this to me." I was shaking, but I didn't cry. "I was like what did I do?" He said "You're just playing the 'let's hurt each other game' ". He was at the point of yelling right about then.. and I was like "WHAT??" and he said "You know what it worked, you hurt me. I'm angry. You're lucky I thought a little bit cause I was planning on making you cry and crawl.. You wanna know what /i'm/ doing this weekend?!?" I was like "No.." Really quietly.. I finally convinced him to take a walk with me and we got to talking.. I told him I was just trying to make it seem I wasn't waiting around for him and that there was acutally no other guy.. AT ALL.. this calmed him momentarily.. I then asked if we were still on for the date we had set. and he quickly replied "No. I'm done with you. You really hurt me. I CANNOT forgive you for this." I then took a step back looked up into his eyes and was like "You cant really live without me?" and his eyes got misty and he was like "No. But I cant forgive you for this either." I released a breath and was like "I'm really sorry.. I just took some advice the wrong way.. It was a misunderstanding.. I'm really sorry can you ever forgive me?" There was a moment of silence and he said really quietly "No." I was like "is it pointless to wait for you? wait till the day planned." He said Yes. So I teared up and them started talking about some of the things we had done together in the past.. all the fun times and I got him to laugh and smile. And then I said. "I really need a month, Ricky.. I really need this month to see if I can make it without you.." And again I asked "Is it pointless to wait a month." He was silent again and then said "We'll see in a month then." I ended up walking him hlaf way to his car before asking him if he had forgiven me for going to Michigan yet.. his reply was no.. and anger returned quickly "I thought you left town for another guy! Why would anyone give up a whole week with their boyfriend to go to the sticks. I really thought you left me for another guy." I was silent for a moment and stopped walking. "I didn't Ricky.. had I known you had, had all those plans I wouldn't have left. The trip was a nightmare.. I'm not invited back on any other trips, because I made it so bad by crying over you and missing you the entire time." He was silent and seemed to calm down once again. the rest of the way back to his car was in silence... He was about to get in it.. and I'm standing there huddled up in a big hoodie, looking meek and scared, and he grabs me and gives me a big hug. I then asked "Do you want any contact in that month." He said "No.. I need time to think.." I was like "okay.." he gets into his car and rolls down his window. I lean in and rest my head on the door, just kinda looking at him. "If you miss me before the month is out will you call me?" his reply "Yes.." I was like "Promise" He said "I promise." I smiled held out my pinkey and was like "pinkey promise" He grabbed my pinkey with his and was like, "yah pinkey promise." He was smiling.. The pinkey promise thing is just one of those lame things between us... I sighed.. and was like "can you forgive me?" again "I dont know.. I really dont know. I'm not good at forgiving people." I was like "I know.. but you always found a way to forgive me.." he was like.. "yah. I did.." Silence and them more from him. "we'll see what happens in a month. I'll call you on the date we set." More silence as he starts up his car. "I love you.." I said as I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled.. "I love you too." and he I stepped back and he drove off.

 

I'm freaking out about the whole "want me to tell you what i'm doing this weekend thing.." I've almost called him about 50 times in the last 12 hours, but I havn't.. I'm afraid that he'll get together with some chick and things will happen.. I'm freaking out of my mind. Do you think I have anything to worry about? or am I just being paranoid? And did this whole little tiff seem stupid. The whole he can't forgive me over an exageration? It's like me saying I cant forgive him for him breaking plans with me.. yet he seemed like he cant get over it.. he was so angry.. I've never seen him that angry.. I'm really scared.. really..

[unintentional]

WOW.

 

atleast he cares enough about it all to come see you and confront you..obviously mine never really cared.

[In Sync]

You are twisting yourself emotionally like a pretzel for this guy. You have just given him power over your emotional state. You are in complete dependance on whether or not he contacts you, or wants to be with you. By making him the idol of your existence you will be at his mercy. You will continue to grovel if and when he does or does not call you, or want to see you.

 

Now for a month he'll do as he likes but you'll wait and focus only on him. He will be nice to you, but sadly you are not able to see that his "Niceness" now are the crumbs you are willing to wait for.

 

Don't you ladies see that you ARE PRICELESS. Who are these guys that you have attached your identity to. Have youdefined for yourself why they are so special? Or is it your own lack of confidence that puts them ahead of you. And I assure you in his (or any guys subconscious that state of dependance on them is an advantage and will allow him to take advantage of your vulnerabilty. It is also going to eventually be tiresome for them to have you come after them so much.) And what will you do if he strings you along and promises to be your bf again for a month and then get tired of you again. You make yourself more desirable be with by developing your own strong.independant identity.

[KAris112297]

Now for a month he'll do as he likes but you'll wait and focus only on him. He will be nice to you, but sadly you are not able to see that his "Niceness" now are the crumbs you are willing to wait for.

 

Sometimes thats all you need.

 

-KAris

[MetelAngel]

I did something this evening.. that was either really stupid or really smart. I'm leaning toward smart. I hung out with a guy friend who is wise beyond his years.. He told me pretty much that a month was too long to give a person.. a month's time wasn't going to change much except maybe put more distance between the two of us. I strongly agree with that.. It's trust I'm holding on with because I think he'll change in four weeks.. four weeks doesn't do much good if the person who's supposed to be changing is still involved in all the stuff that brought them to this point.. We've been broken up for two months.. somewhere in that two months he's had time alone to think about what it is he wants from me.. what it is he wants from the relationship that is non-existent.. I cried for a while, then gathered myself up and left him a nice long message.. I pretty much said.

"Hey Ricky, I'm not trying to get in contact with you.. I dont really want that right now.. I have done some thinking though.. A good deal actually.. And I feel deep inside that a month is too much time for us to be a part.. too much time for me to be waiting for an anwser that I think has already come. *pause* I think deep down inside you already know what you want.. The past couple of years have meant a lot to me.. I'll always cherish those memories. *pause* I know you feel the same way too. Really search your heart for me, please.. Give me a call in a couple of days and let me know what you want to do. I love you a lot.."

I know I put him in the drivers seat but this is what I need. I dont need to cry this whole month waiting for him to call when the anwser I'm seeking might not even come.. I'll just relapse to stage one. If I'm going to be crying I should be crying for a reason.. that reason should be for me to move on.. I have a feeling that I already know his anwser.. I really think he's going to let me go.. and I've cried all the tears I have.. more will come, but if there' closure to this relationship then at least I'm crying for a purpose. I'm crying to let go..

[unintentional]

Im interested...how did things go and how have you been lately???

[MetelAngel]

Things went as expected... He told me that there was no chance of us getting back together and that if we did it would be in many many years.

 

Let me tell you how we got to that though....

we ended up hanging out together on monday night, and as we're driving around we some how end up at mcdonalds where we end up meeting a friend.. but before the friend arrives we talk. Ricky says that he'd really really missed me.. and that it's taken a lot not to talk to me. I of course say a whole hearted "BULL****!" and he just sighs and shakes his head. "I really do miss you Veronica.. a lot." I say nothing. Our friend arrives and we end up eating dinner and chilling with him till about midnight. Midnight rolls around and me and my ex roll out of mcdonalds.. we drive and drive and after a large amount of silence I very quietly ask him to stay the night with me.. "I dont want to miss you tonight" Was what I said.. and he takes a moment then says okay.. We end up getting a hotel room together.. and take part in intimate things over and over for most of the night. Dozing in each others arms inbetween stuff.. We wake up the next morning, the best feeling for me is waking up wrapped in his arms.. It is my heaven.. knowing that someone's there for me, and not wanting to just push me away. I ended up ditching class at the university.. We lay in bed for awhile watching the television snuggled up in each others arms just like old times.. Check out time rolls around so we leave to find breakfast. We spend the rest of the day together.. It was perfect, the way it had been.. Us laughing and carrying on like best friends.. like we were still in love. And I thought for sure we were nearly fixed-- that he really did miss me and needed me in his life.. I kiss him goodbye and he tells me he loves me always.. and then he heads off to work.. I go home happy as can be, I eat a whole meal and do stuff that I hadn't done in a long time. He makes me a happier person. I am happy because of him.. Anyway.. we hang out after he gets off from work and I'm smiling and happy.. We carry on like we had that afternoon, just laughing and enjoying one and others company. I really thought it was fixed that at any moment he was going to appologize for being so stupid and we were once again be going steady.. planning out future, that's not what happened, in fact far from it. The world stopped. He looked over at me and very quietly says "you took everything I said the wrong way didnt you?"... I have no answer.. I merely nod my head.. for I assumed I had taken it all the wrong way. "We arn't getting back together.. if we do it wont be for many, many years. I need time for me. I need time to be me. To figure out who 'Ricky' is." Of course I'm crushed, hurt beyond beliefe. But in some part of my mind I knew it would come.. I knew it had all been too good to be true. We finish off the night bidding each other farewell at midnight and then I go home climb in bed and go to sleep without any thoughts of calling.

 

I haven't called.. he ended up calling me two nights later.. at 2 30 in the morning.. when I'm sound asleep--He just "wanted to talk". So we talked for half an hour.. I haven't called him.. I have no desire too.. I just want to be left alone.. I want to mourn and get over him. He doesn't love me. If he loved me he wouldn't keep dragging my heart through the dirt.

 

Right now the only thing I feel is sickness... I'm so sick and tired of feeling sad. I'm sick of waiting for him to open his eyes.. I feel nothing but illness and anger when I think about him. Yet at the same time I continuously stare at my phone wishing it would ring.. yet knowing if it does so.. I wont answer.. I love him, but.. the relationship we have isn't healthy.. it never will be... Maybe in some other life we were meant to be together, but right now.. it's just not happening.. he's not wise enough to open his eyes.. he just wants to drink and party.. and be an a**h*** guy. I know he's not seeing anyone else.. I know that for a fact.. I really believe him when he says he needs time to himself, I really believe that he does.. but.. still.. I'm not going to be here forever.. and when he does wake up--I probably wont be there wrapped in his arms.. feeling safe and loving him. Because there's only much I can take.. I'm broken and when I do heal.. that part of my heart is gone.. There's a piece of it that will never go back into place. The part of unbridled, leap-in-head-first love.. it hurt too much.. and I know that I wont allow myself to fall into that position ever again. It hurt too much.. it stills hurts.. it's always going to hurt.