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dont want to start an affair but I think Im falling


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Savannah1990

Hi everyone, 

 

so I'll just right away state it as it is; I slept with a guy who has a GF yesterday. It wasnt my intention and i feel guillty, but the chemistry was off the hook and it was amazing.

Weve known each other for a very long time, just being friends. Since about 8 months, he's being unhappy in his relationship (they have a kid together) but he's hesitant to break up, bc he feels guilty towards his child. they did discuss breaking up and she enlisted in a site where you can follow available real-estate. 

 

so after our night (and morning) together we went for a walk. He held my hand in public, kissed me in public which was a bit strange for me but it also gave me butterflies.

 

he texted me afterwards that he loved every second of our time together. I replied saying 'I really enjoyed our time together as well, but Im a bit confused, dont really know where we should go from here. Maybe we should discuss this, bc I feel guilty too. how is your situation at home right now?'. He said 'I'm also confused and dont really know where to go from here. It was amazing to be with you. But to be honest, there are still problems between me and my Gf and we havent solved them. We're still currently living in the same house and thats not gonna change straight away or tomorrow. I really want to be honest with you about this. And if you want us to taken some distance for a while bc of my situation, then I fully understand. But I really loved being with you. mayb, as an alternative, we could just see each other for coffee?'

 

I really dont know how to interpret his words and im really torn between my feelings (lot of hormones) and common sense and morals.

I  could really use your advice.. thank you so much already!

Edited by Savannah1990
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Starswillshine

Read through the many pages of this forum. He tells you straight away, he is not leaving his girlfriend. All the other stuff is just fluff to excuse why he is participating in this affair. "Just see each other for coffee" is just another excuse because he knows that if you will meet for coffee, you'll likely continue down the path of being with him, but him not being fully with you.

Read the stories of heartbreak. That will be your future. Wanting more, him promising its only because of his kid.... 

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Use your head with this and back away. They have a life together and he's using you as an emotional crutch. Rethink whatever got you into this situation. Were you recovering from a break up or something else that had you at a low point? 

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22 minutes ago, Savannah1990 said:

e texted me afterwards that he loved every second of our time together. I replied saying 'I really enjoyed our time together as well, but Im a bit confused, dont really know where we should go from here. Maybe we should discuss this, bc I feel guilty too. how is your situation at home right now?'. He said 'I'm also confused and dont really know where to go from here. It was amazing to be with you. But to be honest, there are still problems between me and my Gf and we havent solved them. We're still currently living in the same house and thats not gonna change straight away or tomorrow. I really want to be honest with you about this. And if you want us to taken some distance for a while bc of my situation, then I fully understand. But I really loved being with you. mayb, as an alternative, we could just see each other for coffee?'

Translation:  I loved having sex with you but I'm not leaving my girl and you are free to date others.  So you knew he already had a gf since you've known him for such a long time.  What did this chemistry just flare up at a moments notice on your part?

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PhoenixRising8

You seem to attract unavailable guys and then wonder what to do.  Is this really a question you don't know the answer to?

 

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55 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Read through the many pages of this forum.

Better yet, read through your previous post.

Is this the same guy with a girlfriend that you recently posted about? You got a ton of advice and many warnings and you chose not to heed them. So in that way, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for your predicament. 

If it’s a choice between your heart and your head — — use your head. 

You are not falling in such a way that you don’t have control and can’t make a different decision for yourself. This is no foregone conclusion. That said, I can guarantee you one thing — — if you make a poor decision, you will find yourself in a very tough place. 

Edited by BaileyB
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1 hour ago, Savannah1990 said:

'I'm also confused and dont really know where to go from here.

Bologna.

1 hour ago, Savannah1990 said:

It was amazing to be with you.

I enjoyed the sex very much. 

1 hour ago, Savannah1990 said:

We're still currently living in the same house and thats not gonna change straight away or tomorrow.

He still has a girlfriend and they are living together - that’s not going to change. 

1 hour ago, Savannah1990 said:

I really want to be honest with you about this.

I need you to know because I want to know if you are ok with this?

1 hour ago, Savannah1990 said:

I really loved being with you. mayb, as an alternative, we could just see each other for coffee?'

Are you still in? Because “coffee” is code for sex - coffee will hopefully lead to more sex, because men in relationships don’t invest in relationships with women that don’t involve sex. Particularly not when they have a girlfriend and not when you have already had sex…

And just in case you think he is trying you on to see if he wants to leave his girlfriend and have a legitimate relationship with you, read this again… He’s not looking for a replacement girlfriend. He has one already…

Quote

There are still problems between me and my Gf and we haven’t solved them (still trying though). We're living in the same house and thats not gonna change.

Edited by BaileyB
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You are wasting your time with this man.  He's using you.  Going for coffee means you are willing to be manipulated.   Say NO to anything with him.  As time goes by, you will feel like you mean nothing to him.  Your self esteem will plummet. 

Do not go there.  

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LostinLove2
5 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Read through the many pages of this forum. 

This, this, this! He is taking a page right out of the playbook and you don’t even realize it. By him telling you he’s being upfront and honest, it’s laying the tracks for you to fall for it. He’s building your trust so that you will think he is sweet and innocent. He’s not leaving his girlfriend. 
 

I say this as nice as possible, RUN! Learn from all our mistakes and spare yourself the heartache of being a hidden, sneaky lover who is going to pine for someone who will never make himself exclusive with you. Just walk away now before you are in too deep and it’s too late. 

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HadMeOverABarrel
5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

“coffee” is code for sex - coffee will hopefully lead to more sex, because men in relationships don’t invest in relationships with women that don’t involve sex. Particularly not when they have a girlfriend and not when you have already had sex…

^^^^^🎯^^^^^

If you're falling, you better catch yourself fast! This is going nowhere good for you!

 

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Lotsgoingon

He was tap dancing but I'll translate what he said:

I'm not leaving my wife, but I really want to keep having sex with you.  I don't want to admit it that bluntly, so I'll express an interest in meeting for coffee to act as if I'm interested in you as a friend ... and oh, I figure if you're naive enough to agree to regularly meet me for coffee, we'll end up having sex. 

What is confusing about that? That's typical!

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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Have you considered that maybe the reason he's having difficulties in his relationship with his partner is that he's a player and she's being emotionally and psychologically abused? All players lie about their relationship circumstances, ALL of them.  Do you really want to be the sort of woman who runs off with a child's father? Try thinking of that child as a human being, not just a "kid". Not that you would be running off with him, because if he was really that unhappy with his relationship he would already have left. How do I know that? Because if he cared one iota about his child he wouldn't be sniffing around other women in the first place, the child is not the reason he stays, his partner is.  My advice is to concentrate on improving your self-esteem so you stop putting out an aura of gullibility and desperation, because that's what players prey on. He doesn't see you as GF material, you have been used - and that chemistry you think you have with him....it's one-sided no matter what he says. He held your hand and kissed you in public...means absolutely nothing, it's all part of the manipulation. You are being groomed to be the bit on the side. Please open your eyes and see this for what it is - the beginning of a tacky affair which will trash you emotionally and leave you full of regret. 

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Lotsgoingon

Oh ... and once the affair fully starts, he's in perfect position to use you.

He gets to avoid you with the "I gotta be with my family" line. And on the other side, he gets to sleep with you without much effort because his unavailability will make you desperate to make every meeting special.

Total losing situation for you. All it does it trigger your insecurities. And because he's unavailable, you're going to put on a happy face and be compliant and nice and all of that ... So you end up working really hard to please a guy who just wants to have sex with you and then not spend much time with you because "I've got a family."

Please don't go down that road. 

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MsJane

You summed this up wonderfully!  All points spot on.  She will be emotionally crushed.  Her self esteem is low now and letting this player treat her like a toy may inevitably land her at the bottom of a deep, dark pit.

 

 

 

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Falling? Well - be an adult and pick yourself up and run!

you will get no benefit from seeing him! He will be the one to get two women and you get 5% of a man.

date someone available!

Edited by S2B
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ExpatInItaly

This is going to wind up with you getting very hurt, OP

You know this is a bad idea. Up to you if you want to ignore your common sense. 

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12 hours ago, Savannah1990 said:

 I slept with a guy who has a GF yesterday. Since about 8 months, he's being unhappy in his relationship (they have a kid together) 

You may want to reconsider him as a friend. He's a sleazeball and at some level you know that.

He's sort of the junk food of men.🍔🍟

Drive through, cheap, easy, no effort but tastes good until you get the heartburn later on.🤢

 

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Savannah1990

thank you all for your replies, it really made me use my head. 

I texted him that I dont want to continue with this. That he can contact me again if and when he's single. I stopped following his social accounts. For me, so that I can keep my distance, but also for him to see that I'm serious about not wanting contact again until he's free (which I guess he will never be).

 

Edited by Savannah1990
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Lotsgoingon

Great job, Savannah! 

And just a note to add to your armor against temptation. Some players like this actually do sorta like the Other Woman. 

These players develop the skill of making the other person feel special for just a few moments. They do this in a predatory way--they see the vulnerability in the OW, and they figure out how to give her some praise that hits the OW like a bad addictive drug. The high ultimately leads you down a hole, takes over and ruins your life. Instead of building a full life, you sit around thinking about seeing the married man in 2 weeks--for 2 hours. 

And it's almost impossible to not get locked into the fantasy that you can "make him happy" and that he will leave his wife for you. Once you're involved, that fantasy is overwhelming--again like a bad drug.

Keep building your life and start realizing there is nothing defective about being a single person.

One of my exes told me she got involved with a married guy (before she met me) because she was just so lonely and ultimately desperate. She felt ignored by men. I had to shake my head: this woman was so charismatic and gorgeous, with an amazing smile. And I knew from hanging out with her that all kinds of guys in her profession had crushes on her. Her problem was her own insecurities that blocked her from connecting with available men. She realized she grew up with a very unavailable father (who had run off and had an affair) and she had, as frequently happens, developed an unconscious familiarity and comfort with dealing with men who were not paying full attention to her. 

This ex seems to be happily partnered with a guy now, but still I wonder. When she was strongly attracted to a guy (my sense of things from her stories) she became very compliant and recklessly trusting before the guy proved to be worthy of trust. The only reason she didn't kiss up to me was because one, I don't want to date someone who kisses up, and two she wasn't that attracted to me. 

So build your wonderful life. 

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Beentheretoooften
21 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Read through the many pages of this forum. He tells you straight away, he is not leaving his girlfriend. All the other stuff is just fluff to excuse why he is participating in this affair. "

This is funny. Because if he said he was leaving, we would have said, they all say they are leaving, but none actually do so he is lying to you.       

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5 hours ago, Savannah1990 said:

thank you all for your replies, it really made me use my head. 

I texted him that I dont want to continue with this. That he can contact me again if and when he's single. I stopped following his social accounts. For me, so that I can keep my distance, but also for him to see that I'm serious about not wanting contact again until he's free (which I guess he will never be).

 

I WISH I HAVE DONE THIS MONTHS AGO. 

I am so proud of you, Savannah.

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5 hours ago, Savannah1990 said:

thank you all for your replies, it really made me use my head. 

I texted him that I dont want to continue with this. That he can contact me again if and when he's single. I stopped following his social accounts. For me, so that I can keep my distance, but also for him to see that I'm serious about not wanting contact again until he's free (which I guess he will never be).

 

contact you when he's single?  you actually want to date a guy that you literally know will cheat on you?

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ExpatInItaly
1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

contact you when he's single?  you actually want to date a guy that you literally know will cheat on you?

I was thinking the same. 

You don't want this guy even if becomes single, OP. He's not boyfriend material.

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