CoffeexLover Posted June 10, 2021 Share Posted June 10, 2021 We have been together for 12 years and have 2 children together. He has cheated on me in the past but since that happened our relationship seemed stronger than ever. Recently I had this gut feeling to look at his phone, I did and of course I found what I didn't want. Seems he has been texting another woman every once in a while for months, it's someone he knew many years ago. It's clear he has deleted the conversation a couple of times because there are no nude pics and a message suggested there had been at some point. She's asked him to meet up as well. I know what I'm going to do, but how can i confront him with it without letting him know I snooped his phone and should I message her too? Most people would probably say no but I can't shake the urge to want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 10, 2021 Share Posted June 10, 2021 25 minutes ago, CoffeexLover said: how can i confront him with it without letting him know I snooped his phone Sorry this is happening. Forget about snooping. Just tell him you know what's going on. Don't tell him you looked through the phone. Let him guess how you found out. Do not answer any questions or get on the defensive (he'll try that to get you off the trail). Stick to being direct and telling him you know, you're no fool etc. Do not message her. She's not the problem. Ask him to move out until you decide what is best for you and your children. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Vitaminka Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 2 hours ago, CoffeexLover said: He has cheated on me in the past but since that happened our relationship seemed stronger than ever. This is rather a strange statement. How can a cheating make a relationship stronger? I don't understand it. If anything, cheating deteriorates a relationship. How can there be any trust left after a cheating episode? Can you seriously be surprised that he has cheated on you yet again since he done so before in the past? 2 hours ago, CoffeexLover said: I know what I'm going to do, but how can i confront him with it without letting him know I snooped his phone and should I message her too? Doesn't matter how you tell him that you are aware of his cheating ways. You have a big decision to make about your future. Think first about how you want to handle it: for you to leave, to ask him to leave, or to stay and pretend that you don't know anything. Whatever you decide, tell him, implement it, and stick to it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 He's cheated on you before and seems like he is engaging in those behaviors now. Not to downplay this, but at this point, he is only your boyfriend. Not husband, nit father of your children. We date people to figure out if they are good partners to devote our lives to. These are the signs he is not a good partner. Time to cut him out if your life to open the door to the one who will be. I am really sorry he is putting you through this again. Sending positive thoughts your way. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, CoffeexLover said: how can i confront him with it without letting him know I snooped his phone and should I message her too? I wouldn’t worry about the invasion of privacy - it matters less than the fact that you have caught your partner doing something very inappropriate. Much like a child who has broken your trust - he has lost the privilege of privacy. CoffeexLover, you have a decision to make. It brings to mind the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” You caught him once and gave him another change. He has now wasted that - what are you going to do now? The other woman at this point is inconsequential, your problem is your partner. I’m sorry this has happened. Edited June 11, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) On 6/10/2021 at 5:53 PM, CoffeexLover said: He has cheated on me in the past but since that happened our relationship seemed stronger than ever. "Seemed", being the operative word in that sentence. The strongest my relationship was with a cheater was right before he butt dialed me on his way to his side piece's condo. On 6/10/2021 at 5:53 PM, CoffeexLover said: I know what I'm going to do, but how can i confront him with it without letting him know I snooped his phone and should I message her too? If "knowing what you're going to do" includes breaking up with him, why do you care that he knows you snooped his phone and found the truth? Why aren't you grown enough to stand in your truth and take your butt whippin' for it? You looked through his phone and found this. Quite frankly, why does it even merit a whole dramatic rom-com scene? Just deal with only logistical issues with visitation with him--preferably set up by the court. Is the whole dramatic "confrontational denouement" thing a "love language" for you two? My advice is to not confront him with anything--he'll only deny it. Lying is very in vogue right now. He'll find some way to flip this on you, so don't confront him if you don't want to wade into that sewer. Let your behavior speak for you. But seriously? This needed to be over a long time ago because you have no trust in your relationship. Edited June 12, 2021 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 15, 2021 Share Posted June 15, 2021 Find out when they are meeting and catch him in the act. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2021 Share Posted June 15, 2021 Cheating > snooping. Who cares that you snooped. It's a much lesser of a sin. Tell him what you found. Then figure out if you really want to stay with a cheater. What lessons will that teach your kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canadian87 Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 You see, my ex girlfriend cheated on me and later was angry why I looked her phone. Who cares, we snoop because there is no trust and our partners hide things from us and we just know something is happening there, we feel it. Cheating should not be forgiven, I tried to continue after she cheated but it just didn' go anywhere. Disrespect and dishonesty are worse then cheating itself. If your partner choose to cheat it means that cheating was more important for them then your feelings and emotional health. Leave him and find a new guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 On 6/10/2021 at 5:53 PM, CoffeexLover said: She's asked him to meet up as well. I know what I'm going to do, but how can i confront him with it without letting him know I snooped his phone and should I message her too? Most people would probably say no but I can't shake the urge to want to. What are you going to do???? No don't message her it's not her fault that he's cheating on you. She may not even know he has a gf or care. Deal with the Cheater himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) On 6/12/2021 at 11:10 AM, kendahke said: My advice is to not confront him with anything--he'll only deny it. Lying is very in vogue right now. He'll find some way to flip this on you, so don't confront him if you don't want to wade into that sewer. Let your behavior speak for you. But seriously? This needed to be over a long time ago because you have no trust in your relationship. THIS! 100%. Let your behavior speak for you. Silence speaks louder than any words ever could. Walk way, graciously, and without apology. Without trust, there is nothing. If more people would learn to do this (both men and women) when encountering BS (which this surely is) perhaps relationships wouldn't be in the pathetic state they're currently in ....with so much lying and cheating, it's ridiculous. Surely there must be a better way. Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
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