Girlfriend focuses on all the past negatives when angry. How to handle it?

[Broken41]

We've been together now for a few months.  We're both in our early 40s and have been through a lot in past relationships.  For the most part we're amazing.  With that being said...

Our issue is that when she gets angry with me, she focuses on all the things that have ever gone wrong in the relationship to date.  I mean literally... that's all she focuses on.  She even sometimes makes up negative assumptions about things that aren't even true.  I feel like she intentionally tries to demonize me.  She has brought up that she is afraid of getting hurt and I'm sure that's a part of it.  But, the reactions get blown WAY out of proportion until she calms down and realizes that was the case.

I'm not sure the best way to handle it?  I try to reason with her.  When she is angry, no hope of doing that.  When she calms down, it's easier.  It's hard to tell once she has calmed down though.  Sometimes I thought she has but then it just explodes in my face again.  I try to just keep distance until she calms down.  Very unsettling though when she talks about ending things when angry and pulls away a LOT.  It's killing my security in the relationship.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Gaeta]

My advice is to find another woman to date. One that has healed from her past and learn from it. This woman here is in her early 40s and acting passive-aggressive like she's 16. She is self-sabotaging. You cannot fix it. Broken41, dating is about finding a suitable partner, she's not the one. 

I'm sure you've notice from the beginning she had a bad temper.  I don't date men that get mad, or passive-aggressive, or that raise their voice. I don't want that in my life so one strike and you're out. 

If she was afraid that her temper would jeapordize your relationship she would get a grip, she allows herself because you're still standing there by her side.

 

[Broken41]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My advice is to find another woman to date. One that has healed from her past and learn from it. This woman here is in her early 40s and acting passive-aggressive like she's 16. She is self-sabotaging. You cannot fix it. Broken41, dating is about finding a suitable partner, she's not the one. 

I'm sure you've notice from the beginning she had a bad temper.  I don't date men that get mad, or passive-aggressive, or that raise their voice. I don't want that in my life so one strike and you're out. 

If she was afraid that her temper would jeapordize your relationship she would get a grip, she allows herself because you're still standing there by her side.

 

Thanks for the feedback.  So you feel this truly can't be fixed?  I hate to give up as our "good" is SO good.  It's just I have tried to talk to her and even read a relationship book about handling this stuff with her (although we haven't finished it yet).  When she is angry it all goes right out the window.  

If there is any way to break a cycle like this, I'd at least like to try.  I just don't know how?

[Gaeta]

She will not fix this without therapy. 

Meanwhile, you cannot have a fight if you don't participate to it. Takes two to have a disagreement. I don't participate to a fight, when tension is rising I suggest a time out and to talk later when we're calm. I've been in long term relationships with men getting mad and yelling at me and I have 0 tolerence for it. I don't want to be with someone I have to fix, do you? I don't want someone I have to raise because their parents did a bad job, do you? I don't want to be the shrink of a grown man that's not mature enough to work on his issues, do you?

Edited June 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[Broken41]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She will not fix this without therapy. 

Meanwhile, you cannot have a fight if you don't participate to it. Takes two to have a disagreement. I don't participate to a fight, when tension is rising I suggest a time out and to talk later when we're calm. I've been in long term relationships with men getting mad and yelling at me and I have 0 tolerence for it. I don't want to be with someone I have to fix, do you? I don't want someone I have to raise because their parents did a bad job, do you? I don't want to be the shrink of a grown man that's not mature enough to work on his issues, do you?

Great points, and near the start of the relationship, I did mention therapy.  She had been receptive to it at one point, but since then, she blew it off.  I just hate to walk away without giving it one last shot so I at least know I tried.

I will mention therapy to her again and see if she might be more receptive to it this time.  I just don't get what goes on in her head where when angry she focuses on any and every negative thing she possibly can.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Broken41 said:

 I just don't get what goes on in her head where when angry she focuses on any and every negative thing she possibly can.

How many months exactly you've been dating?

[basil67]

If you are serious about wanting to give it one last try, I would say that it's ultimatum time:  She needs to book a therapist who specialises in anger management within a week or you're out.   Naturally, pad it out with comments about how you really don't want to walk away, but that her behaviour is becoming intolerable.   

Sometimes it happens that we don't connect with a therapist, so if this one doesn't work, it's imperative she finds another.  

Stand firm in this.  Nobody deserves to be on the receiving end of this behaviour.  

[basil67]

I'd also second @Gaeta's suggestion that a fight can't happen without your participation.   If she starts to yell at you, leave.  It doesn't matter what you're doing - you get up and go.  If she's at your place, show her the door.   And don't respond to your phone if she tries to blow it up too.  

What kinds of things set her off?  

Edited June 11, 2021 by basil67

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Broken41 said:

Our issue is that when she gets angry with me, she focuses on all the things that have ever gone wrong in the relationship to date.  

You've only been dating a few months but have accumulated ALL those wrong things.

You should not have a collection of things gone wrong at only a few months dating. You're not a kid anymore, why do you put up with that?

[Woggle]

Tell her if she is that unhappy she is free to end it.

[Yosemite]

What is she getting angry with you about?

If you're doing the same things that she's asked you a million times before not to do, why wouldn't she bring up the fact that you've done XYZ again and again and again?

If she's getting mad at you for something new each time, what are you doing to make her mad? She could be getting so angry because she feels that she shouldn't have to explain certain things to you. So if you're an hour late and she gets mad, and then she brings up the fact that you were inconsiderate in some other way like borrowing her car and returning it late...in her mind she's providing examples of how your behavior is rude.

If she's getting mad at you for small things like you said that you would be there are 8:00 and you got there at 8:01, then you should probably either break up or try counseling...but take a good look at your behavior first to make sure that you're not at fault for these arguments.

[basil67]

I think the suggestion of looking at whether or not you're contributing to this is good.  That said, short of really really bad behaviour on your part (like cheating or stealing), her extreme reaction is still an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict. 

[ShyViolet]

A relationship shouldn't have this many problems at only a few months of dating.  At this stage you should be in the honeymoon stage, not having explosive, nasty fights.  This will only get worse.  The only possibly way that this relationship can be saved is if she is truly willing to admit that she has a problem, recognize that her behavior is unhealthy, and if she will commit to working on this in therapy.  If she doesn't do that, then this relationship has no chance.

[Maldives]

7 hours ago, Broken41 said:

Great points, and near the start of the relationship, I did mention therapy.  She had been receptive to it at one point, but since then, she blew it off.  I just hate to walk away without giving it one last shot so I at least know I tried.

I will mention therapy to her again and see if she might be more receptive to it this time.  I just don't get what goes on in her head where when angry she focuses on any and every negative thing she possibly can.

Past trauma 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm a huge advocate of therapy--I recommend all the time when people seem hopeless stuff in defeatist and clueless thinking.

I wouldn't bring up therapy to someone I'm dating for two months. Nope. Why? Because she needs to take the initiative to get control of her anger. If she does it for you, she's going to be cursing beneath her breath and then she's going to bail.

And sorry to say this woman seemed clueless. She's in her 40s and doesn't know she has an anger problem and a nasty bring-up-the-past problem. Dude, you don't know that 40 and haven't taken any action on that front at 40, I would bet good money she ain't gonna fix this in the next 20 to 30 years. Check with her at 70 maybe.

Also, recommending therapy can be escapist. You need to tell her no, you won't listen to her anger and walk out. You need to speak when she's lashing out at you. I get the sense that you go quiet. Reasoning with her is incredibly naive. Dude, when do angry people, people who fly off the handle about dumb stuff, since when do they calm down in the face of reason? What naive world are pretending to live in?

The answer is simple: you have to dump this woman. And you need to dump that passivity and willingness to put up with such nonsense. You ought to be walking out the room in 5 minutes when she goes on her rants. Why are you hanging around? I''m gonna guess: you probably intimidated by her anger. But seriously, if you were walking out like should, you wouldn't know half of this stuff. 

This is a huge red flag. Huge. BTW: did she tell you early on that she had not just an anger problem but an immature and out-of-proportion anger problem. She's throwing tantrums like a little kid. I mean pre-4 little kid.

Stop putting up with this nonsense. That behavior will only get your partnered with miserable people. 

 

 

[Fletch Lives]

11 hours ago, Broken41 said:

Our issue is that when she gets angry with me, she focuses on all the things that have ever gone wrong in the relationship to date.  I mean literally... that's all she focuses on.  She even sometimes makes up negative assumptions about things that aren't even true.  I feel like she intentionally tries to demonize me.  She has brought up that she is afraid of getting hurt and I'm sure that's a part of it.  But, the reactions get blown WAY out of proportion until she calms down and realizes that was the case.

This is not uncommon. Women often don't fight fair.

Avoid arguments, they are toxic. Show her that you refuse to participate in heated arguments. Walk out on her if you have to, for a few hours, the afternoon, the evening, whatever it takes. Go shopping, restaurant, golfing, fishing, whatever. Don't tell her anything, shut your mouth, and just walk out! 

Relationships can be tough - only when you are tough and disciplined will you see real results.

Ironically, they love you the most when they think you could leave them and live without them.

Edited June 12, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Broken41 said:

We've been together now for a few months.  

.  She even sometimes makes up negative assumptions about things that aren't even true.  

Sorry this is happening. A few months is a good time to observe red flags 🚩 like this.

She is not going to change. Google "injustice collecting". It's not good. 

This is either a bad habit, too much baggage or a way to have you walking on eggshells.

This list of  perceived infractions and wrongdoings will just keep getting longer so that at some point you'll be afraid to breathe or that may be added to the list.

It's a controlling behavior. Run. 👟👟

[Blind-Sided]

OK... since you have been dating "A few months".... and since arguments seem to be an issue... then just at that level... you need to break up.   In the first 2 or 3 months... you shouldn't have any real arguments... other than if there is a miss understanding on what time the date was set for.  

@Gaeta may have a point.  If she is 40, and has a self sabotaging mentality... then she needs to talk to someone.  I personally don't agree with therapy in most cases, just because there is no standard on who can do it.  (unless they are a licensed psychologist)  But regardless... after only "A few months"... it's not your battle, and will only end in heartache. 

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, Broken41 said:

We've been together now for a few months.  We're both in our early 40s and have been through a lot in past relationships.  For the most part we're amazing.  With that being said...

Our issue is that when she gets angry with me, she focuses on all the things that have ever gone wrong in the relationship to date.  I mean literally... that's all she focuses on.  She even sometimes makes up negative assumptions about things that aren't even true.  I feel like she intentionally tries to demonize me.  She has brought up that she is afraid of getting hurt and I'm sure that's a part of it.  But, the reactions get blown WAY out of proportion until she calms down and realizes that was the case.

I'm not sure the best way to handle it?  I try to reason with her.  When she is angry, no hope of doing that.  When she calms down, it's easier.  It's hard to tell once she has calmed down though.  Sometimes I thought she has but then it just explodes in my face again.  I try to just keep distance until she calms down.  Very unsettling though when she talks about ending things when angry and pulls away a LOT.  It's killing my security in the relationship.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don't think this is that unusual when having arguments.  The women in past relationships that I've had do this as well, they use times they've been hurt by you in the past against you. 

What I think she's conveying is the way that you're making her feel right now is how you made her feel in those other moments that are burned into her memory.

You cannot win an argument because when men and women are arguing it's usually about two different things.  You may be arguing the facts but she's arguing how you made her feel in those moments.  When you're arguing against her, from her view, it's as if you're saying her feelings are not valid, which is never going to work and will only make things worse.

Next time you feel yourself being drawn into an argument, ask questions.  Ask "why are you upset?" and just listen.  Empathize, say "so when I did ______ it made you feel _____."  Ask questions, and just let her get it out.  If she is not capable of having a civil disagreement, you just have to walk away from the situation until things cool down.

Edited June 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[chillii]

l'm afraid she'll probably get worse if anything , only a few mths and she's throwing this crap around already , and that's still on good behavior mode. l don't care if she's been hurt, everyone's been hurt . At 40 that's all a personality trait that ain't gonna go anywhere is my guess , and right when you think it has , it'll probably be back with a double dose just to make up for the pent ups.

lf you really care for her deeply or in love with her , why not keep trying different things for awhile , maybe she can fix this , it's pretty slim but there might be a maybe. Or until you've just had enough if it goes that way.

Edited June 15, 2021 by chillii

[Acacia98]

On 6/12/2021 at 1:00 AM, Broken41 said:

Thanks for the feedback.  So you feel this truly can't be fixed?  I hate to give up as our "good" is SO good.  It's just I have tried to talk to her and even read a relationship book about handling this stuff with her (although we haven't finished it yet).  When she is angry it all goes right out the window.  

If there is any way to break a cycle like this, I'd at least like to try.  I just don't know how?

 

On 6/12/2021 at 1:23 AM, Broken41 said:

Great points, and near the start of the relationship, I did mention therapy.  She had been receptive to it at one point, but since then, she blew it off.  I just hate to walk away without giving it one last shot so I at least know I tried.

Yes, there is a way to fix the problem. It involves her taking responsibility for her actions then taking the initiative to do something about them. If she is invested in having a healthier relationship, she should want to address this anger/grievance issue. She should have started therapy when it first came up or shortly afterwards. The fact that she blew it off tells you just how much you and the relationship actually matter to her. I guess she thinks it's okay treating you that way and expects you to put up with it. Based on that, I think the relationship matters more to you than it does to her. 

It's not your place to fix her issue any more than it would be someone else's place to fix her alcoholic boyfriend's drinking problem. You can, however, be supportive if and only if she takes ownership of her problem and makes concrete efforts to address it.

You can't control everything, my friend. You have to take a huge step back and allow the other person to play their part. And if they choose not to play their part, then its your responsibility to determine, from your side of things, whether you are compatible and the relationship is healthy enough to continue.

Edited June 15, 2021 by Acacia98

[introverted1]

On 6/11/2021 at 5:34 PM, Broken41 said:

We've been together now for a few months.

How many is "a few"?

[BeanCounter]

On 6/11/2021 at 5:23 PM, Broken41 said:

Great points, and near the start of the relationship, I did mention therapy.  She had been receptive to it at one point, but since then, she blew it off.  I just hate to walk away without giving it one last shot so I at least know I tried.

I will mention therapy to her again and see if she might be more receptive to it this time.  I just don't get what goes on in her head where when angry she focuses on any and every negative thing she possibly can.

If you want to keep trying, keep trying. When she gets angry, do you also get angry and it turns into an argument? Or is it basically 1 sided with her just abusing you and you sitting there and listening to it? It's hard to diagnose an entire relationship in a few paragraphs, you know your relationship better than any of us. If you don't like the plain advice of "leave her" then don't listen to it.

Next time she gets angry, maybe you could calmly try to figure out why she is angry with you? The attacks seem like a defense mechanism, maybe there is something deeper that she is mad about.

I will say though, if she acts like this regularly after only a few months of dating you, there could be more things she is hiding. A few months is typically still in that honeymoon phase where everything is fantastic, and you're already dealing with some pretty serious issues. Just food for thought.

Hoping the best for you man

[smackie9]

Sounds bi-polar to me. Bringing up old negative content is their weapon of choice. When they get angry they want you to experience the pain they are feeling as much as possible. It's how they cope.

Edited June 15, 2021 by smackie9

[Woggle]

She sounds like the kind of person who just likes being antagonistic and critical of everything. It makes them feel like they are standing up for themselves and not being a doormat. God knows what she is telling others about you.