Has my partner lost attraction?

[Allios]

Hey everyone,

So I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 5 years and for a large majority of those years I have always had the underlying feeling that she has lost attraction to me. When looking back the physical side really changed around 1 year in. She was much less interested in sex and it was almost like a 360 in terms of her enjoyment and desire to be physical with me. I have been reflecting on this for a longtime and still can’t pin point what lead up to this, it was just so sudden. I have never cheated or anything and we do have very open dialog on most area in life, I’ve never asked her if she has cheated or is cheating but I’m 99.9% that’s not the case. Before this it was very easy for me to initiate sex and she would easily get in the mood, yet over the past 4 years she has really come to dictate when we have sex, which is not very often. I guess over the years of initiating and being constantly knocked back it has taken its tole on my confidence and has left me really unsure of where I stand with her.

Over the years we have had many discussions about this, yet I am always the one who is bringing it up. It feels like she does not see it as a problem. I’ve taken her point of view on board, I’ve given her space, I’ve allowed her the time so that she can feel free to initiate the intimacy, yet this does not work because we just seem to become less and less physical and without me leading in some way months and month can pass with 0 physical contact. Im not expecting that everything has to be about sex, but even just regular kissing, touching, everything just seems to become stiff with her. Now I’ve probably been in denial and used her pressure at work or other things going on in her life to sugar coat the situation, but for so long I’ve felt this underlying feeling that she is not attracted to me. I’ve discussed this with her and she still says she loves me, she is attracted to me etc yet I don’t see how this is possible when she has 0 interest in sex and I am pretty sure she is not asexual. It just feels like everything else is a priority but our intimacy, phone, work, cleaning, online shopping. I try pulling my weight as much as possible with everything in our life and we are really equal in what we do, but if feels like nothing changes. 

Now I’ve been doing a lot of thinking of late and am convinced it’s due to a lack of attraction, now I’ve probably played a huge part in this and have made the situation worse after years of rejection, it’s difficult for your ego to not take hit. There is a lot of mixed advice out there, some say you should not speak about it, you need to change your behaviour with her and create more tension so you appear more desirable in her eyes. Other says it’s because she has become to of a dominate figure in the relationship and she just does not see my as a strong male. I’ve pretty much tried the lot and nothing works. I just want a straight answer I guess so I know, skip the waffle just so I don’t get hurt. Whenever we get into these discussion she just gets annoyed and says I’m creating drama, and it puts to much pressure on her but it’s really important that we discuss this, because I’m getting to the point where I don’t know how much more I can take. I love her and still am really attracted to her but it just does not feel like things are reciprocated. 

Would be great to get some advice on how to approach this. I’m kind of stuck on my next steps here!

 

Thanks. 

[Guildford]

Your next step is to tell your girlfriend that it is over and to walk away.  This may cause her to change her ways and do a 180 (not a 360) but her renewed interest in sex will be temporary.  Some women can be attracted to a man and form a relationship with him, but later lose interest in him and continue with a platonic relationship.  He did nothing wrong and did not cause the change, it just happened.  Why are you staying in this relationship and what do you want out of life?

[d0nnivain]

After 5 years behavior patterns are fairly set.  There are no easy quick fixes  

Get this "strong male" BS out of your head  People are people.  

Think about what you want in a relationship.  Now compare that to the relationship you have.  Next step, decide if you want to walk away or take one last stab at fixing it.  If you are done, break up.  If you still want to try, sit her down for a talk.  Ask her what she thinks about your relationship.  Ask what she thinks is her ideal relationship.  Really listen to her.  

I just did this with my husband.  He thinks everything is great & we have a perfect marriage.  I cry myself to sleep at least once per week.  Obviously a disconnect.  

Now when you learn her perspective, compare what she says about her perfect relationship & where she thinks you are to your perspective.  See where the points of compatibility are & where the disconnects are.  Take another look at whether you want to keep fighting for your relationship.  If yes, tell your partner your perspective.  Then ask how she thinks you two can get to a place where your needs are being met. 

If you notice my advice focuses on you listening a lot.  

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Allios said:

 I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 5 years and  the physical side really changed around 1 year in.

It just feels like everything else is a priority but our intimacy, phone, work, cleaning, online shopping.

 I’ve pretty much tried the lot and nothing works.

Sorry to hear this. How old is she? Did the sex drop off soon after moving in together?

What exactly are the goals after 5 years of  playing house?

You both seem checked out and coasting along for convenience in your own respective ways.

 Can either of you afford your own place? Is that why you are together?

The advice about "building tension" is nonsense.

There is probably more tension than you could cut with an ax. 🪓And not the good kind

What you have is a standoff. It doesn't seem like anything you have tried is working because you actually do not know how to romance her or find out why she is put off.

[mark clemson]

On 6/11/2021 at 4:31 PM, Allios said:

 I’ve pretty much tried the lot and nothing works.

It sounds like you have explained the issue directly to her. That's good.

She probably simply has less interest in sex than you do. This type of mismatch is rather frequent. "Duty sex" to keep the higher drive partner happy is far from unheard of, as are sexless and low-sex marriages.

Have you tried couples counseling with a very experienced therapist who specializes in couples issues?

You could try saying, essentially, look - I want more frequent sex or we're done. Be careful with this IF it's a bluff - bluffs sometimes get called. But something to consider, particularly if it's NOT a bluff, but instead a last-ditch effort to try to make the relationship work.

We sometimes hear from posters here (both men and women) who "cave" and spend decades of their lives in relationships where they are not sexually fulfilled due to a much lower drive partner. Then they show up here in their 50's and 60's lamenting their lost decades and asking how/whether to try to turn it around. THAT is something I don't think you want to be, so whatever solution prevents you from winding up like that is probably a "right" (or at least "ok") one.

[Lotsgoingon]

You cannot fix an attraction issue that is there from early on in the relationship.  And discussions are a COMPLETE AND TOTAL waste of time. Your gf is NEVER going to own up to her lack of attraction. She doesn't want to hurt you by telling you exactly what's going on. So 99 percent chance she's b.s.-ing you when you have discussions.  You ever turned someone down who was interested in you? I bet you got vague and didn't bluntly say, "You know I'm just turned on by you."

I had a relationship with an ex that brought up the same feelings in me as you report here.  I was convinced something was wrong. I had to always initiate sex. She was just kinda cold. But I knew she really liked me, so I was confused. When I brought up the issue, she  would say stuff like her dad left mom and her mom taught her not to trust men and so she's closed and stuff like that. Well, finally after a year, she dumps me and she did something I've rarely heard about. She told me exactly why. She admitted she didn't feel the physical attraction she wanted and she even got specific over her preferred sexual type (I was not it). 

Hurt like hell. OMG. And one of the best things that someone has ever done for me. Because like you, I was ignoring what I was feeling and I was believing all her words about distrust of men and all of that.

BTW: attraction is on a continuum. So it's likely your gf has SOME attraction to you, and she certainly likes you as a person, likes you A LOT as a person. But attraction needs to be overwhelming to cement a good relationship. And if it's not overwhelming, then at least it needs to be matched. Two people might infrequently have sex and not flirt, but if both are comfortable with that and reasonably happy, things can work.

The punchline for me: even during the pain I felt after my ex told me she wasn't turned on by me, even in the middle of the worst pain, something clicked in my brain. When I looked back at our relationship, IT WAS OBVIOUS, her lack of visceral attraction to me was obvious. She rarely took the initiative to hug me or kiss me (heck kiss on the cheek even). She never really looked at me the way previous gf's gazed at me indicating they were happy to be with me. She didn't flirt with me, like at all. Never tried to be sexy or playful with me. 

Get out. And here's the painful lesson: next time you feel lack of attraction, STOP! Right then and there. And don't blame yourself. People can feel attracted to complete jerks and a-holes all the time. So your desperation and constant pleas for reassurance--those didn't create the problem. Those pleas on your part reflect how unsettled your body was, how insecure and un-reassured you felt.  And you have to trust your body-intuition on this. If you feel like this other person isn't sexually attracted to you--and overwhelmingly so--you have to act on that without a conversation. Because 99 percent of the people in the world will not tell you honestly that they are not attracted to you. 

Bottom line: you're feeling what you feel because she ISN'T attracted to you at a strong level. And the conversations go nowhere because she doesn't have it in her to say she's not that attracted to you. She's afraid of crushing you. And she might be sad in herself that she's not more attracted to you. Actually that was one point my ex made. She said she was slow to admit how unattracted she was to me because she thought I was a much better person in so many ways than so many guys she had dated who had dissed her. She kept hoping the attraction would arise. Likely your gf is thinking the same.