I cried and persuaded my BF not to break up with me. what next?

[Glx]

Here is the beginning of our story: 

He broke up with me in December 2020, and in February 2021 he was back. He explicitly asked me to give him another chance and that he loves me and wants us to be together. So we started the relationship again. It was good at first, but in the last month it got very rocky. I started picking up fights again because I felt that he didn't love me like he used to. Some of them were big. He always stayed positive, calm, and wanted to work things out. I was usually the one who could easily say "well if it is so bad, then break up with me like you did before". I know it was not right.

Couple of days ago, after another big argument with a sleepless night, I was hurting so much and just couldn't stop, continued to repeat "well then just break up with me", "why are you in relationship with me anyway" and so on.

He told me that the way he sees me has changed a lot during the last month and that he became "allergic" to all the fights we have, that's why he grew distant. And then, while I continued to accuse him, he just told me over the phone that he wanted to break up.

I panicked and went straight to his place, and we started talking. I cried a lot, said that I don't want us to break up... I apologised for my behaviour, told him I loved him and didn't want to lose him. After 3 hours (!) of talking I managed to convince him not to break up with me... Because initially he kept saying that he loved me, but we couldn't be happy with each other, and his decision wouldn't change. That we are fighting because we have different needs and he has been thinking about this already for some time, he didn't make this decision just because of the last fight. He even said that he is not the man for me, he can't make me happy, and that he doesn't see any future anymore, and that our roles have changed, because before that he was the one who always believed in us and tried to convince me.

He also said that one of the biggest reasons he thinks this way is that he also isn't sure what he will do in the future (we are both students), he might go abroad for work after his studies and he doesn't want me to give up my career just because of him... 

I realise I've humiliated myself a lot... plus our fight happened on the day of our 1st date, he came to me with flowers and I made such a scene later. And I'm so terribly ashamed and I blame myself for everything. 😢

But I'm incredibly afraid that since he wanted to break up and I had to convince him so much, he really doesn't have feelings anymore and he's with me now for pity.

I'm afraid that one day he'll just tell me that he's completely grown cold and doesn't love me anymore.
How do I recover from my humiliation and behave? Is there still any chance of getting it all right? 😞

 

[Glx]

After the whole situation and my persuading and tears about how I wanted to make it up to him and that I was being wrong, he relented, hugged me and apologised for everything, said that we would try to work things out... took me to a cafe afterwards to celebrate our "anniversary" properly, and to unwind a bit after all that.
Then he texted me before going to bed:

"Thank you for what you did today and for being so strong when I was in such a weak state. I really didn't mean to provoke it, but it meant a lot to me that you didn't give up and even in spite of my behaviour showed me that there is still light and hope. I won't forget that! I love you." 

So I am completely at a loss. For a few days now we have been communicating normally, tomorrow we will meet again... 

[Sun Seeker]

A healthy relationship does not involve constant fighting and break ups. Putting your own issues aside, it's clear you guys are not compatible. It's time to accept that. You have tried to make it work more than once. The fact you had to 'persuade' him not to break up with you once again says it all.

[Calmandfocused]

In my experience it rarely works the second time round.

Once you’ve broken up, the trust is broken. Even if you get back together there is always the anxiety that the person will break up with you again. This fear is what’s driving your irrational behaviour. 
 

However it’s clear that your boyfriend doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. This is fact and there’s nothing you can do it say to make him be with you. I repeat: you cannot make him stay. 
 

Preserve your dignity and let him go. Your will hurt badly but it will pass and you will eventually feel better for it. 

[Glx]

2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

In my experience it rarely works the second time round.

Once you’ve broken up, the trust is broken. Even if you get back together there is always the anxiety that the person will break up with you again. This fear is what’s driving your irrational behaviour. 
 

However it’s clear that your boyfriend doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. This is fact and there’s nothing you can do it say to make him be with you. I repeat: you cannot make him stay. 
 

Preserve your dignity and let him go. Your will hurt badly but it will pass and you will eventually feel better for it. 

yes you are right.. I acted very irrational at that point. after all my crying he hugged me and said that he is not giving up and he is sorry.

and now he acts as if nothing has happened, he is sweet again and asks me out... so I really don't know how to behave anymore or what to think. it won't be right to "break up" with him after I persuaded him to not to do it..

[ExpatInItaly]

It is only a matter of time before this ends for good, OP. 

He does not feel the same way about you anymore. No amount of crying and begging can fix that. Yes, he's relented for now but a reconciliation based on guilt and pity is not going to last. 

[Glx]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is only a matter of time before this ends for good, OP. 

He does not feel the same way about you anymore. No amount of crying and begging can fix that. Yes, he's relented for now but a reconciliation based on guilt and pity is not going to last. 

then what should I do now? how should I behave?

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Glx said:

then what should I do now? how should I behave?

End it peacefully. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Glx said:

But I'm incredibly afraid that since he wanted to break up and I had to convince him so much, he really doesn't have feelings anymore and he's with me now for pity.

Probably very true. It’s probably only a matter of time before he ends it for good. 

You simply can’t behave insecurely, irrationally, and argumentatively in a relationship and expect a man to want to be with you. And, you should never threaten to breakup unless you are prepared for the consequence. I would suggest that you continue the introspection and really examine how you have behaved here such that you can have a healthy relationship in the future. 

Edited June 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Glx said:

then what should I do now? how should I behave?

Tell him that you’ve thought about things and you have decided that you behaved inappropriately by crying and begging him to stay. Apologize. Thank him for the time you have spent together. And end it. 

Keep whatever dignity you have left. You will be ok. Stay single for a while and really think about what happened here. There will be another man to love in the future. A healthier relationship for you - hopefully. If you do the work and learn from this experience. 

[Wiseman2]

It's time to let him go. Neither of you is happy.

This is the same guy who's leaving in a few weeks to study abroad? 

 

[Glx]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's time to let him go. Neither of you is happy.

This is the same guy who's leaving in a few weeks to study abroad? 

 

Yes, in a few months

[ShyViolet]

At first I didn't feel like reading all that (the multiple threads) but I finally did.....  You are going to have a very hard time maintaining relationships, whether it is with him or someone else in the future, if you don't grow up and stop this immature behavior.  You admit that you have had a pattern of constantly "picking fights" with him, volatile behavior, even destroying things.  Then you keep saying that you know it was wrong, you are ashamed of yourself..... but it keeps happening again and again.  You sound too immature to maintain a relationship.  Get yourself into therapy and work on your coping skills.  Throwing tantrums, crying, begging is not the way to deal with conflict.  I am not surprised that he has broken up with you multiple times.  One of these days he is going to walk way for good.

[mark clemson]

^^  strongly consider therapy before starting the next relationship. Seriously.  You'll be doing YOURSELF and any future BFs a HUGE favor.

Edited June 12, 2021 by mark clemson

[Glx]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

At first I didn't feel like reading all that (the multiple threads) but I finally did.....  You are going to have a very hard time maintaining relationships, whether it is with him or someone else in the future, if you don't grow up and stop this immature behavior.  You admit that you have had a pattern of constantly "picking fights" with him, volatile behavior, even destroying things.  Then you keep saying that you know it was wrong, you are ashamed of yourself..... but it keeps happening again and again.  You sound too immature to maintain a relationship.  Get yourself into therapy and work on your coping skills.  Throwing tantrums, crying, begging is not the way to deal with conflict.  I am not surprised that he has broken up with you multiple times.  One of these days he is going to walk way for good.

I understand that it is not healthy, and I have a feeling that I completely lost my dignity. During the fight and my crying to not break up with me.

So now I am just trying to understand if I should end it like he wanted (or later he is going to end things even worse), or stay with him (because I already asked for it so much) and try to work on myself...

I feel so bad after all this and completely lost

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Glx said:

try to work on myself..

You need to do this anyway. 

This relationship is on its dying legs now. It's too late to fix it.  But you can learn and grow and apply these lessons to your next relaitonship. You need to do the inner work regardless. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Glx said:

I understand that it is not healthy, and I have a feeling that I completely lost my dignity. During the fight and my crying to not break up with me.

Kindly, if what was said above is correct, you lost your dignity long before this last disagreement/breakup. 

Healthy relationships don’t have this kind of breakup and makeup drama. Healthy people don’t threaten their partner with breaking up/ask him to break up with them and then beg, plead, and cry to get them back. You are engaging in some very unhealthy behaviours here, and you need to figure out why. 

It’s too late for this relationship. Get some counselling because it will help you in future relationships. But more importantly, do it for your own peace of mind. Be well. 

Edited June 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Glx said:

Yes, in a few months

Have you read the book 📚 "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold Kreisman , M.D ?

It may give you insight as to what could be happening.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Glx said:

So now I am just trying to understand if I should end it like he wanted (or later he is going to end things even worse), or stay with him (because I already asked for it so much) and try to work on myself...

Yes.  He is leaving in a few months anyway to study abroad and it will be over then anyway.  He already knows this and will hang in there until then.  When he moves abroad he will meet other people and the distance between you will take a toll and it will be over.  You should break up and get used to it now.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Glx said:

I understand that it is not healthy, and I have a feeling that I completely lost my dignity. During the fight and my crying to not break up with me.

So now I am just trying to understand if I should end it like he wanted (or later he is going to end things even worse), or stay with him (because I already asked for it so much) and try to work on myself...

I feel so bad after all this and completely lost

You need to end this relationship (it is ending anyway, that is obvious) and you need to NOT date again until you go to therapy and work on your behavior.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like some need for therapy--not because you have a mental illness, but because you've got some serious emotional wounds that get triggered and you resort to self-destructive behavior that is guaranteed to leave you unhappy.

You suggest breaking up when you DON'T want to break up. You throw out "well let's break up" and what you really want is for him to come and hug you like a parent hugs a baby and for him (as parent) to say "there there. I love you too much to break up. Let's not break up." That behavior on your part has got to go. That's wounded adult behavior. 

There's other confusion as well. If you guys can't get along, why are you fighting to keep things going? It's like you're insincere in threatening to break up and then you're desperate when he agrees to break up. 

Your emotional wounds would block you from having a good relationship with most people unless you get extremely lucky to find the needle in the haystack person who can stand up to you in a way that encourages you to work on yourself. We all have some wounds, yours are seriousness and you're clueless about them, so you can't recover once you wound gets triggered and you start acting out. 

You don't want therapy? Then start by reading books on emotional emptiness, desperation and so on. There was some kind of serious neglect in your family growing up such that you didn't feel comfortable asking directly for what you want. Instead, you resorted to the pitiful martyr routine of suggesting the opposite of what you want. No guy with a shred of confidence appreciates that way of resolving conflict. 

 

[maggiemtn]

I sincerely hope you get help. I have had issues in the past of pushing people away through insecurity and it was helped through therapy and NOT DATING ANYONE. 
 

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but this relationship will not last, we can all see that. I hope you can too, and will get some time to yourself to reflect on your issues so that the next time you’re in a relationship, it can be a healthy one and not a repeat of this behavior. 

[d0nnivain]

Understanding that you don't have a time machine & can't undo the mess you made, what is it that you want going forward?  

You are students.  You don't have to fix your whole lives in the next few days or even weeks.  I think you both have a lot of growing up to do.  You may not be able to do that together because you are someone who causes drama. 

Therapy may be a good place for you to start.  You need to learn to keep your own counsel.  You need time to grow wiser. It's all part of growing up.  

When you find yourself on a roller coaster in the break up / make up cycle you have to recognize that as the relationship not working.  When you have to beg somebody not to break up with you, it's already over.  You are simply debasing yourself by begging.  Better to learn to be dignified.  Say things like "if that is what you want."  Hold your head high & don't let 'em see you cry.  

No matter what happens in the short term you two will not last his study abroad semester.  There are already too many hurt feelings.  You resent him for going away & it will cause fights.  Even if you lie to yourselves & try to stay together one of you will end up straying while you are apart.  Better to prevent the cheating by ending it & not trying to hold on.  

Maybe when he gets back & you have both grown as people, you may see your way clear to getting back together but for now it's not worth it.  What you had is already in tatters.  Let go.  

[robaday]

I cried when my ex girlfriend broke up with me a year back and I told her how much i loved her and wanted her to be happy and if it was without me I'd respect it. Do I regret it? No, I don't. Regardless of what she thinks about me I spoke my truth and showed her how much it was going to affect me. She'll always know what I felt for her and whether that is a turn off in terms of a relationship who cares? One day she will look back and know that guy really loved me, and to be honest I think that's a good thing. 

[Glx]

19 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Understanding that you don't have a time machine & can't undo the mess you made, what is it that you want going forward?  

You are students.  You don't have to fix your whole lives in the next few days or even weeks.  I think you both have a lot of growing up to do.  You may not be able to do that together because you are someone who causes drama. 

Therapy may be a good place for you to start.  You need to learn to keep your own counsel.  You need time to grow wiser. It's all part of growing up.  

When you find yourself on a roller coaster in the break up / make up cycle you have to recognize that as the relationship not working.  When you have to beg somebody not to break up with you, it's already over.  You are simply debasing yourself by begging.  Better to learn to be dignified.  Say things like "if that is what you want."  Hold your head high & don't let 'em see you cry.  

No matter what happens in the short term you two will not last his study abroad semester.  There are already too many hurt feelings.  You resent him for going away & it will cause fights.  Even if you lie to yourselves & try to stay together one of you will end up straying while you are apart.  Better to prevent the cheating by ending it & not trying to hold on.  

Maybe when he gets back & you have both grown as people, you may see your way clear to getting back together but for now it's not worth it.  What you had is already in tatters.  Let go.  

Of course I'm worried about him leaving...
But if we manage to build a good relationship in these remaining months (he actually never picked up a fight himself, it was always me...), will it really be that bad?
When we talked about his semester abroad earlier, he always assured me that cheating was unacceptable to him, and if he couldn't get over me when he first broke up with me in December, then why should he get over me now...
He said he wouldn't even need someone else if he knew there was a sweet, beautiful and loving girl waiting for him at home... 😔