Uncomfortable with my boyfriend's friendship with an old crush. Am I crazy?

[earlgreymuffin]

My boyfriend and I are both in our mid 20s and we've been dating for almost a year. 

A few weeks ago, he's mentioned that he received a message from his old crush, 'S' from high school, asking him and one other friend of theirs, I'll call him 'B', to talk about psychology. S was in their friend group in high school and my boyfriend told me that every guy in the group had a big crush on her(including my himself) to the point where it got a little awkward when she finally started dating one of the guys. 

Then they all went separate ways in college, my boyfriend dated his ex for about six years, broke up and decided to message this old crush right before the pandemic and confess to her that he used to like her. She told him that she used to like him as well. We weren't dating back then

When I asked him what his intentions were, and what he thinks her intentions were in telling each other that, he said, "I really didnt have any intentions, it's been so long and I was going through a lot of changes in my life after the break up with my ex that involved me growing as a person, and part of that growth had to include me owning up to it and telling her how i felt, no matter how long ago it was. Especially because I didn't speak up when it mattered in high school. I even helped my friend and her get together while sacrificing my feelings. So it was kind of like getting closure." 

My boyfriend was single at the time and S was not single. 

Then he told me that B, S and him were going to talk on the phone about psychology because they are all interested in that. I was visibly uncomfortable over the phone when he said this and he asked me if i'm okay and that he's noticed I get a little jealous, or uncomfortable when he brings up his past relationships, or girls that he was in his life. I told him how I felt but not specifically about this girl because I wanted to focus on another problem of his which was bringing up his ex in a lot of stories unnecessarily, which he apologized for and has stopped since.

My boyfriend, B, and S all have significant others. My bf and B used to have a crush on S. B and S frequently talk to each other and wanted to include my boyfriend into one of the conversations because he knows a lot about it. I do not know if this will turn into a frequent thing but it would be the first time he's talked to her with B about this. My bf tells me he obviously doesn't have any feelings for her and that they are all in separate relationships. He's also mentioned that it would cause some weird awkwardness if he decided to not join as B would question why he doesn't want to join. 

I don't really understand why S doesnt have anyone else to talk to about psychology(?), i don't really understand how they are going to talk about that. 

I asked around to a lot of my gfs about this situation and they all had different responses ranging from "what doesnt he get, that's disrespectful"/"how does he not see that S is a snake" to "he wouldn't have told you this if he wasn't going to be honest with you" and " it seems like he wants to be transparent with you and high school was a long time ago, AND they all have sig others. you can't expect your bf to feel and act exactly like you"

 

I am conflicted. One minute I'm cool about it and feel secure in my relationship to not care about to too much but on the other hand, this kind of stuff would NEVER happen to me and I wouldn't put my boyfriend in this situation. I wouldn't mind if it was just a high school crush, but it seems like this was a big deal for him enough to confess to her just last year. 

What do you guys think? AM I just being insecure?

Edited June 12, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[Sun Seeker]

Your BF telling you he confessed his feelings to S last year for his own growth is a load of BullS. He had recently become single and he wanted to see if there was any possibility he could start something with S if she felt the same and was also single.

I'm completely with you and do not think you are crazy. Your BF does not need to get involved in this talk. Let S and B have the talk together. Why does it matter of B questions why your BF did not join.

I'm the same as you and would never put my partner in this position. If he does not have the same boundaries as you with regards to old romantic interests then maybe it's time to rethink the relationship.

[BC1980]

I don't think you are being insecure. I'm not saying anything will happen between your BF and his old crush, but this situation leaves the door open IMO. It's playing with fire to some extent. They might all go into this conversation with good intentions, but feelings can get stirred up again. I wonder if he confessed his feelings to her a year ago to see if she was open to a relationship? 

[earlgreymuffin]

5 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Your BF telling you he confessed his feelings to S last year for his own growth is a load of BullS. He had recently become single and he wanted to see if there was any possibility he could start something with S if she felt the same and was also single.

I'm completely with you and do not think you are crazy. Your BF does not need to get involved in this talk. Let S and B have the talk together. Why does it matter of B questions why your BF did not join.

I'm the same as you and would never put my partner in this position. If he does not have the same boundaries as you with regards to old romantic interests then maybe it's time to rethink the relationship.

I asked him what does he think would've happened if she was not single and was up for a relationship with him, and he said " I don't really know."

I'm fine that this all happened, because I wasn't in the picture. It's just that I don't understand how he can't see that this could make me uncomfortable now. 

[earlgreymuffin]

6 minutes ago, BC1980 said:

 I'm not saying anything will happen between your BF and his old crush, but this situation leaves the door open IMO. It's playing with fire to some extent. They might all go into this conversation with good intentions, but feelings can get stirred up again.

RIGHT? This is exactly how i feel but I am conflicted, because at the same time, I don't doubt his feelings for me. He is so very much in love with me. I know and feel it. I just wish he could see things from my pov. If he does bring her up again, I am going to talk to him about it but tbh I'm a little tired of telling him that things make me uncomfortable. 

[BC1980]

18 minutes ago, earlgreymuffin said:

I asked him what does he think would've happened if she was not single and was up for a relationship with him, and he said " I don't really know." 

So he was open to a relationship with her. I definitely don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. To me, cutting stuff off with previous crushes, exes, ect. is a respectful thing to do when you are in a relationship. There are some exceptions, but this doesn't sound like one of them. It sounds like you've made your feelings known. I would just see how it plays out and see if he talks to her again. 

[Boobita]

It all starts with a friendship.

[earlgreymuffin]

10 minutes ago, BC1980 said:

So he was open to a relationship with her. I definitely don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. To me, cutting stuff off with previous crushes, exes, ect. is a respectful thing to do when you are in a relationship. There are some exceptions, but this doesn't sound like one of them. It sounds like you've made your feelings known. I would just see how it plays out and see if he talks to her again. 

What do you think about some of my friends telling me that he is trying to be transparent with me about it? I see how that could be it and when he told me this happened I responded "I genuinely don't know what to say to that. what's the reason you're telling me all this" and he said "I would rather tell you about it and be honest with you that his happened, rather than you find out from B or any other random friend of mine" 
 

[BC1980]

He hasn't left you with many options. You can demand that he not talk to her, but that will make him resentful. Demands aren't usually very effective long term. This is a tough spot to be in. 

[BC1980]

2 minutes ago, earlgreymuffin said:

What do you think about some of my friends telling me that he is trying to be transparent with me about it? I see how that could be it and when he told me this happened I responded "I genuinely don't know what to say to that. what's the reason you're telling me all this" and he said "I would rather tell you about it and be honest with you that his happened, rather than you find out from B or any other random friend of mine" 
 

He could genuinely be trying to be open about it, but that doesn't make it any less likely that feelings will be reignited. He could genuinely have innocent intentions, but things happen. I be more worried about them taking privately on social media. 

[earlgreymuffin]

14 minutes ago, BC1980 said:

He could genuinely be trying to be open about it, but that doesn't make it any less likely that feelings will be reignited. He could genuinely have innocent intentions, but things happen. I be more worried about them taking privately on social media. 

glad to know that im not being unreasonable. I will have to talk to him about this after seeing how things play out. thanks !

[ShyViolet]

I don't think you are being unreasonable.  Your BF is doing some truly ridiculous things.  This is not just about a high school crush from a long time ago.  They contacted each other right before you started dating him, and told each other that they had crushes on one another.  It's obvious that he contacted her because he had become newly single, and he was interested in her on some level.  He was putting feelers out to see if anything might happen.  His excuse that he just needed to get "closure" is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.  You do not need to contact a person you had a crush on back in high school to get "closure."

And now, he needs to talk to her to "talk about psychology?"  What kind of BS is that???  Yeah I wouldn't be anyone's doormat and put up with this.

[earlgreymuffin]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think you are being unreasonable.  Your BF is doing some truly ridiculous things.  This is not just about a high school crush from a long time ago.  They contacted each other right before you started dating him, and told each other that they had crushes on one another.  It's obvious that he contacted her because he had become newly single, and he was interested in her on some level.  He was putting feelers out to see if anything might happen.  His excuse that he just needed to get "closure" is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.  You do not need to contact a person you had a crush on back in high school to get "closure."

And now, he needs to talk to her to "talk about psychology?"  What kind of BS is that???  Yeah I wouldn't be anyone's doormat and put up with this.

Yeah, I feel that as well. It's just that as BC1980 has said, I don't want to demand him to not talk to her. I wish he just wouldn't. I'm in a sticky situation because the talk hasn't even happend for some reason but every time he tells me he is going to talk to B, I become really paranoid worrying whether she would be there. My bf and B are best friends and they do talk frequently so I don't want to feel this way everytime, nor do i want to ask whether S is going to be there everytime when the initial talk hasnt even happened. If I brought it up with him now and told him it makes me uncomfortable, it would really be out of the blue. Should I just wait it out and hope it doesnt happe? Any advice? 

Edited June 12, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[norealusername]

I agree with violet. He obviously still has the hots for this girl. You're right to feel uncomfortable. He shouldn't be involved in this "psychology" thing with her. 

 

[earlgreymuffin]

19 minutes ago, norealusername said:

I agree with violet. He obviously still has the hots for this girl. You're right to feel uncomfortable. He shouldn't be involved in this "psychology" thing with her. 

 

thanks for the input, norealusername! I don't know if I agree with him having the "hots for this girl" as there are many layers to all relationships and friendships. I forgot to mention that he isn't ecstatic to talk to her, it seems like he is reluctant about it and told me he is more pressured into doing it(if it ever happened) because of B. B and S seem to be better friends(which I personally dont understand how you can be completely platonic with someone who you were attracted to at some point), and B really wants my bf's viewpoints on certain things they're going to talk ab.. I do agree, however that there is a problem with him not getting why I'm uncomfortable and putting me in this situation. I trust my bf, unless he is coming up with excuses to tell me all this because he REALLY wants to talk to her lol

Edited June 12, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[Lotsgoingon]

Bf sounds on the up and up to me. The statement of his that you quote sounds really honest to me--and I'm an expert at evasions and gaps that leave room for trouble because I used to speak in misleading ways. I see NONE of that in bf's description of why he wants to talk to his two friends. 

I also get why he called "S when he broke up with his long-time gf. Breakups throw your identity in confusion, old unresolved stuff often comes up. And he probably wanted to tell her he had a crush precisely because back in high school it was the scariest thing in the world to tell her he had a crush.

I had a crush on the sister of one of my high school buddies. Totally never acted on it (looking back not sure why other than she seemed to be a super-sweet nerdy Catholic School girl, maybe because she was a sister of a friend). Years later I was calling up this friend (back in the days of "house phones" and no cells) and his sister answered.  Her brother (my friend) wasn' t home. Somehow she and I got to talking about dating and growing up. She started processing how none of her brother's classmates (we were in an all-boys school) showed any interest in her--even though she came around to the school for activities and athletic events.

I told her I had very much noticed her and was definitely attracted to her. (And I said this without coming onto her in this call.)Well something got cleared up for both of us: I got to own up to my attraction her in the past; she got to hear that there was a boy among her brother's friends who found her very attractive. 

It's odd to say this, but that little exchange was very healing for me and I think for her. We both got on the same page about the awkward period of adolescence and sexuality. We both shared feelings we had from the past--and thus integrated this past into our current lives (which can very healthy). 

So I get why bf called this old crush. I will also say this: bf didn't only have a crush on her. He actually (in the weird-world of high-school clique groups) had a friendship with this girl. The two can coexist in high school. 

Now--that doesn't mean that bf's position works for you. You may very hell feel you cannot feel secure with him being in touch with this girl. I get that and I don't think there's anything wrong with you being uncomfortable with that. 

FYI: full disclosure. One of my best friends is a woman I briefly dated. We were close friends, briefly dated and (after some ups and downs) became close friends again. I remember the time she came to visit me for a week. She was dating someone else at the time. She and I (I know this sounds weird) did NO flirting. Zero. Slept in separate rooms, didn't walk around in underwear ... and frankly, I wasn't lusting after her. Like no awkwardness. I really wasn't. Anyway, her husband supports our relationship. But that might not work for you.

Suggestion: you can experiment ... encourage him for now (and make sure you tell him FOR NOW) ... and maybe ask to join one of their calls. Feel the energy. See how the energy feels to you.  

 

Edited June 12, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, earlgreymuffin said:

RIGHT? This is exactly how i feel but I am conflicted, because at the same time, I don't doubt his feelings for me. He is so very much in love with me. I know and feel it. I just wish he could see things from my pov. If he does bring her up again, I am going to talk to him about it but tbh I'm a little tired of telling him that things make me uncomfortable. 

Bolded - then don't, it serves no purpose other than annoying him and making you appear insecure, clingy, controlling.

Simply continue observing and contain your anxiety.  Say nothing!  These types of "talks" are highly overrated and can kill attraction.

If your observations reveal something is "happening," then wish him well and walk away.

No need for any "talk" imo, he will only deny, get defensive, blame shift, gaslight so forget the "talk" and just walk. 

That's what I would do, and have!  It's how I maintain respect for myself and healthy self-esteem.

Off topic but I cannot believe the amount of BS that gets tossed around in relationships these days..

I see it everywhere and it makes me question whether I want a relationship at all.

I mean what the hell is the point?  Stop restricting each other and simply love each other.

 

Edited June 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, earlgreymuffin said:

I asked him what does he think would've happened if she was not single and was up for a relationship with him, and he said " I don't really know."

I'm fine that this all happened, because I wasn't in the picture. It's just that I don't understand how he can't see that this could make me uncomfortable now. 

Me and women can be friends...even ifthey had a past relationship. In the past relationship they learned their faults and why things don’t last.

 

I have a friend from college that I’m still friend with. My friends told me she was interested in me, but her signals to me wasn’t saying that.  I got to learn about her and understand me and her had some big difference when it comes to a live in relationship but isn’t a factor in friendship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It's time to ask yourself what you are doing with someone who needs to talk about crushes and exes, etc.

Why is he shoving this nonsense in your face? It he insecure?

It sounds like he feels inferior to you and needs to get a reaction.

"Discuss psychology"  sounds  like rubbish.

Step way back, don't feel insecure or jealous but reflect on if it wouldn't be better to be with a guy who's not this much of a doofus telling you all about his exes and conquests and crushes etc.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: I don't think it's his job to walk around worrying about your insecurities about him connecting to past friends. And he's resuming a friendship with  a GUY and a woman. 

He's not meeting his crush for romantic dinners. He's not partying with her. Heck he's not even alone with her--he's not even meeting her in person. He's starting a phone call with another guy, friend, on the line. 

I had an ex who was good friends with a former bf. BF was partnered. I sensed no weird energy from him or from her. I had to just think about this right now because seriously, I had no energy around her having an ex that he still interacted with. Her ex was involved in an activity-hobby group that she was involved in as a leader. They saw each other once a week (not alone but as part of a 50-person group). Literally didn't bother me a lick. 

Men and women these days will often have friends from the opposite gender and at some point they might have been attracted to that friend. 

 

[earlgreymuffin]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Bf sounds on the up and up to me. The statement of his that you quote sounds really honest to me--and I'm an expert at evasions and gaps that leave room for trouble because I used to speak in misleading ways. I see NONE of that in bf's description of why he wants to talk to his two friends. 

I also get why he called "S when he broke up with his long-time gf. Breakups throw your identity in confusion, old unresolved stuff often comes up. And he probably wanted to tell her he had a crush precisely because back in high school it was the scariest thing in the world to tell her he had a crush.

I had a crush on the sister of one of my high school buddies. Totally never acted on it (looking back not sure why other than she seemed to be a super-sweet nerdy Catholic School girl, maybe because she was a sister of a friend). Years later I was calling up this friend (back in the days of "house phones" and no cells) and his sister answered.  Her brother (my friend) wasn' t home. Somehow she and I got to talking about dating and growing up. She started processing how none of her brother's classmates (we were in an all-boys school) showed any interest in her--even though she came around to the school for activities and athletic events.

I told her I had very much noticed her and was definitely attracted to her. (And I said this without coming onto her in this call.)Well something got cleared up for both of us: I got to own up to my attraction her in the past; she got to hear that there was a boy among her brother's friends who found her very attractive. 

It's odd to say this, but that little exchange was very healing for me and I think for her. We both got on the same page about the awkward period of adolescence and sexuality. We both shared feelings we had from the past--and thus integrated this past into our current lives (which can very healthy). 

So I get why bf called this old crush. I will also say this: bf didn't only have a crush on her. He actually (in the weird-world of high-school clique groups) had a friendship with this girl. The two can coexist in high school. 

Now--that doesn't mean that bf's position works for you. You may very hell feel you cannot feel secure with him being in touch with this girl. I get that and I don't think there's anything wrong with you being uncomfortable with that. 

FYI: full disclosure. One of my best friends is a woman I briefly dated. We were close friends, briefly dated and (after some ups and downs) became close friends again. I remember the time she came to visit me for a week. She was dating someone else at the time. She and I (I know this sounds weird) did NO flirting. Zero. Slept in separate rooms, didn't walk around in underwear ... and frankly, I wasn't lusting after her. Like no awkwardness. I really wasn't. Anyway, her husband supports our relationship. But that might not work for you.

Suggestion: you can experiment ... encourage him for now (and make sure you tell him FOR NOW) ... and maybe ask to join one of their calls. Feel the energy. See how the energy feels to you.  

 

Wow, thanks for this. When I read stuff like this, especially ones that seem to accurately portray what my bf was trying to tell me, I am reminded that we all have different lives and experiences. He did say that it was healing for him to tell her how he felt in the past. I am not sure what the rest of the conversation looked like, they probably just caught up. I guess for me, it's not an imminent threat or distrust of him actually developing feelings for this girl, or any other girl as a matter of fact. That's his problem, and I can walk away if it does actually happen. It hasn't and I don't think he is that kind of person.

However, it is a respect thing for me. Out of respect, I don't get involved with past romantic interests and out of respect, I decline and ignore any and all contacts with past crushes, exes, etc. Seems to be the difference between us. While having friends of the opposite sex is completely fine, I don't think it's possible someone to lose all attraction to someone just because the context deems it inappropriate.

Edited June 12, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[earlgreymuffin]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded - then don't, it serves no purpose other than annoying him and making you appear insecure, clingy, controlling.

Simply continue observing and contain your anxiety.  Say nothing!  These types of "talks" are highly overrated and can kill attraction.

If your observations reveal something is "happening," then wish him well and walk away.

No need for any "talk" imo, he will only deny, get defensive, blame shift, gaslight so forget the "talk" and just walk. 

That's what I would do, and have!  It's how I maintain respect for myself and healthy self-esteem.

Off topic but I cannot believe the amount of BS that gets tossed around in relationships these days..

I see it everywhere and it makes me question whether I want a relationship at all.

I mean what the hell is the point?  Stop restricting each other and simply love each other.

 

Thanks for the reply. I think I lose track of myself in all this "communicating is the best thing" standard. While it is definitely true, I have to stop myself from annoying him- and myself honestly. I find myself having to remind myself whether this is my anxious attachment style coming in play or if it is a recurring issue in our relationship that needs to be brought up and discussed. He is definitely not the type of person who would blame shift, at least so far, but I think you make a good point that these types of talks do eventually wear out and become "exhausting" and "draining" on the receiving end. All about finding that balance, and I'm trying to figure it out. Healthy dating is hard. 

Edited June 12, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[earlgreymuffin]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Me and women can be friends...even ifthey had a past relationship.

Thanks for this! and that is great for you! and if all parties involved with you are feeling the same way, even better.

Me, on the other hand, have strict boundaries with past romantic relationships and expect the same from my significant other. There is nothing wrong with either side of this issue. Friends with the opposite sex? great, no problem. Friends with ex, past crushes? Not for me. 

[earlgreymuffin]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's time to ask yourself what you are doing with someone who needs to talk about crushes and exes, etc.

.

.

Step way back, don't feel insecure or jealous but reflect on if it wouldn't be better to be with a guy who's not this much of a doofus telling you all about his exes and conquests and crushes etc.

 

This! was one of the issues I had to address. While he told me his intentions are to be completely transparent and obvious, I genuinely did not know how to react to it. I am uncomfortable and I will never be overjoyed by the fact that you are going to talk with an old crush. 

Edited June 12, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[Ami1uwant]

21 minutes ago, earlgreymuffin said:

This! was one of the issues I had to address. While he told me his intentions are to be completely transparent and obvious, I genuinely did not know how to react to it. I am uncomfortable and I will never be overjoyed by the fact that you are going to talk with an old crush. 

There is a big difference if this was your high school sweetheart and you broke up after high school and that was over 20 yrs ago vs this is someone you ended things with over a yr ago.