Uncomfortable with my boyfriend's friendship with an old crush. Am I crazy?

[Lotsgoingon]

Just understand that this "respect" issue you have is not an issue that everyone has. I want to be respected, and my ex having one of her exes at an activity she participated in each week didn't touch my "respect" button at all. 

You have some specific quirky, triggering energy around "respect." By triggering, I mean you get thrown out of logic into some kind of deep fear. (We all have triggers.) Own that this is your treatment. This is not universal. And listen S's bf is probably not triggered by your bf having a conversation with S.

I don't even know what "respect" means in terms you think about it. Be careful about getting hung up on your own quirky definition of "respect" because you'll get in trouble--in this relationship and in others should you dump this guy--by assuming that some particular behavior is "disrespectful" to you.

To get to disrespect, a gf would have to spend the night in bed at another guy's house without having told him that she's dating me. But I wouldn't even define that as "respect," I would just say "I feel betrayed" and I'd probably end things.

"Respect" presumes an audience. Who is exactly losing respect for you based on your bf having telephone conversations about psychology with two high school friends? Who?

I sense a certain over-the-top possessiveness there in you. Plus some insecurity that leaves you always vigilant that you're going to be "disrespected." My take: if you don't trust him, you should break up with him. Period. And now I'm not even convinced you think he will do something inappropriate with S. I am sensing you just don't want this. Why? Because you don't want it. 

My suggestion: get in touch with that insecurity or perhaps trauma you have around "respect" ... own it and work on it. Own it as a quirk of YOURS. 

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, earlgreymuffin said:

Thanks for the reply. I think I lose track of myself in all this "communicating is the best thing" standard. While it is definitely true, I have to stop myself from annoying him- and myself honestly. I find myself having to remind myself whether this is my anxious attachment style coming in play or if it is a recurring issue in our relationship that needs to be brought up and discussed. He is definitely not the type of person who would blame shift, at least so far, but I think you make a good point that these types of talks do eventually wear out and become "exhausting" and "draining" on the receiving end. All about finding that balance, and I'm trying to figure it out. Healthy dating is hard. 

If there are many things which need communicating, instead of continuing to raise issues (trying to shove a round shape into a square hole), it's wise to consider that it could be a sign that the person is a poor match for you.   Thing is, people generally don't want to have to change who they are to fit someone else's expectations, and it's unfair to ask them.

Back when I was dating, I was a much of quietly observing their behaviour and deciding for myself whether or not we naturally vibe.   

 

[earlgreymuffin]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

"Respect" presumes an audience. Who is exactly losing respect for you based on your bf having telephone conversations about psychology with two high school friends? Who?

I sense a certain over-the-top possessiveness there in you. Plus some insecurity that leaves you always vigilant that you're going to be "disrespected." My take: if you don't trust him, you should break up with him. Period. And now I'm not even convinced you think he will do something inappropriate with S. I am sensing you just don't want this. Why? Because you don't want it. 

My suggestion: get in touch with that insecurity or perhaps trauma you have around "respect" ... own it and work on it. Own it as a quirk of YOURS. 

 

Okay, didn't expect to be called possessive and insecure today from a total stranger but I guess I shouldn't expect much from forums like these lol. It's generally agreed that if someone does something knowing that this something makes the other uncomfortable(and has made that clear), it's considered to be disrespectful. Other people in this very thread have mentioned the word "respect" many times. It's totally cool that other people have different opinions on what "respect" is for them - like you for instance, seem to be very lenient on past romantic partners and their involvement in your current relationship, but a lot of people are not okay with that and for them, that would be considered "disrespectful".

I mentioned earlier that it's really not about trusting him because I do, but I want someone to have similar expectations with me about stuff like this. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[earlgreymuffin]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

If there are many things which need communicating, instead of continuing to raise issues (trying to shove a round shape into a square hole), it's wise to consider that it could be a sign that the person is a poor match for you.   Thing is, people generally don't want to have to change who they are to fit someone else's expectations, and it's unfair to ask them.

Back when I was dating, I was a much of quietly observing their behaviour and deciding for myself whether or not we naturally vibe.   

 

Thanks for this! You are totally right about naturally vibing! My bf seems to agree and have the same expectations of me in almost everything, but I guess this kind of stuff is a deal breaker for me, while it isn't for him. Just gotta see how it plays out and "quietly observe his behaviour and decide for myself" like you said!

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, earlgreymuffin said:

It's generally agreed that if someone does something knowing that this something makes the other uncomfortable(and has made that clear), it's considered to be disrespectful.

Absolutely not true.   There are some people who are go too far with their requests in their desire to feel 'comfortable'.   For example, "I'm uncomfortable when you go out with workmates because I worry you'll get drunk and the guys will make a move on you.  I want you to check in with me every half hour so I know you're OK"  Failure to comply with such a wish is not disrespectful - it's good boundaries.  

The caveat here is whether or not one partner sees the other partner's request as reasonable.  

Edited June 13, 2021 by basil67

[earlgreymuffin]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Absolutely not true.   There are some people who are controlling of others in their desire to feel 'comfortable'.   For example, "I'm uncomfortable when you go out with workmates. I want you to check in with me every half hour"  Failure to comply with such a wish is not disrespectful - it's good boundaries.  

 

Yeah for sure! I agree with that. I totally don't know the right words to explain what my definition of respect is. There is definitely a difference between controlling someone and being disrespectful. All I'm trying to say is I don't think I am asking for too much to want someone to have the same expectations as me with stuff like this. We had a conversation about this before, this time about me, and how a guy friend of mine who used to have a crush on me wanted to meet up for coffee at a beach, which I told my bf that I politely declined and stopped the conversation out of respect for our relationship. My bf told me he was uncomfortable and jealous about it, but was also  appreciative of the way I reacted and stopped talking to him. I just want the same with him. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[basil67]

I guess your boyfriend sees a group phone call about an academic subject as a different situation to a 1:1 meet up at a beach where (I assume) you'd be having a personal conversation.   And to be fair, I see his point.

Of course, you don't have to agree.  But instead of trying to change him (which is also disrespectful in itself), considering if the relationship is right for you is a better reaction.

Edited June 13, 2021 by basil67

[earlgreymuffin]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I guess your boyfriend sees a group phone call about an academic subject as a different situation to a 1:1 meet up at a beach where (I assume) you'd be having a personal conversation.   And to be fair, I see his point.

 

Yup, that's what I think too (although it wasn't 1:1 for me either, more of a group thing with the dude's college friends). 

[Lotsgoingon]

 Partners have to balance: you sometimes encourage your partner to do something that you don't particularly like because you see that it's really important to the partner, and part of partnership is encouraging your partner to be their own flourishing individual self. 

I certainly would not cut off relationship with genuine friends based on the sense that my partner was offended. Sorry, ain't doing it. But I would not date someone who would make such a request. 

Meeting someone one-on-one on the beach is completely different than having intellectually discussions on the phone with people from high school. 

BTW: people avoid meeting exes at the beach because they don't want to at all be tempted, because they want to set a clear boundary and send an unmistakable signal to the ex that they are not interested. They do that to PROTECT themselves and to protect the relationship.

Nothing about "respect"--avoiding meeting exes in any kind of "romantic" setting is downright practical and necessary for the safety of the relationship.  

 

 

Edited June 13, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

Ah, thanks for clarifying because it helps describe reasonable/unreasonable.  While you were exceptionally thoughtful, if a boyfriend had an issue with me meeting a friend and his mates in a group, I'd stand my ground.  Likewise, I'd have no problem if my partner did the same.

I think there can be a problem with "do unto others as you would have them do un to you" as we don't all want or expect the same thing.  For instance, when I'm ill, I want deliveries of tea, pain killers and forehead stroking.  My husband just wants to be left ALONE when he's sick.   So when I'm sick, he treats me how he wants to be treated and I feel neglected.  And I treat him how I want to be treated and he gets cross about being bothered  

 

[earlgreymuffin]

10 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Partners have to balance: you sometimes encourage your partner to do something that you don't particularly like because you see that it's really important to the partner, and part of partnership is encouraging your partner to be their own flourishing individual self. 

I certainly would not cut off relationship with genuine friends based on the sense that my partner was offended. Sorry, ain't doing it. But I would not date someone who would make such a request. Frankly, I wouldn't even consider such a request. 

 

I think all this is really irrelevant to me because, he's mentioned this is not something that is important to him( he doesn't want to go), he didn't want me to go on the coffee meet up with a guy friend of mine and his friends, not a romantic setting at all like you think.  i had no problem doing what i did because that's what I expected from him as well.I'm a little confused on what I thought was expected of each other, because if he's so reluctant to go like he tells me, why can't he just not go? knowing his friend whos also in the call, he would completely understand. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[earlgreymuffin]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, thanks for clarifying because it helps describe reasonable/unreasonable.  While you were exceptionally thoughtful, if a boyfriend had an issue with me meeting a friend and his mates in a group, I'd stand my ground.  Likewise, I'd have no problem if my partner did the same.

I think there can be a problem with "do unto others as you would have them do un to you" as we don't all want or expect the same thing.  For instance, when I'm ill, I want deliveries of tea, pain killers and forehead stroking.  My husband just wants to be left ALONE when he's sick.   So when I'm sick, he treats me how he wants to be treated and I feel neglected.  And I treat him how I want to be treated and he gets cross about being bothered  

 

Yeah no problem! I also want to mention that i wasn't just doing that for him, i had no problem doing what i did because that's what I expected from him as well. I don't know if I'm making such sense at this point lol. But thank you so much for the input! I'll have to keep this in mind when and if i do talk to him. :))

 

[earlgreymuffin]

5 minutes ago, earlgreymuffin said:

Yeah no problem! I also want to mention that i wasn't just doing that for him, i had no problem doing what i did because that's what I expected from him as well. I was also uncomfortable because this guy and I haven't talked in year so he just called out of the blue (similarly to my bf's situation) I don't know if I'm making such sense at this point lol. But thank you so much for the input! I'll have to keep this in mind when and if i do talk to him. :))

 

edit***

Edited June 13, 2021 by earlgreymuffin

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, earlgreymuffin said:

Yeah no problem! I also want to mention that i wasn't just doing that for him, i had no problem doing what i did because that's what I expected from him as well. I don't know if I'm making such sense at this point lol. But thank you so much for the input! I'll have to keep this in mind when and if i do talk to him. :))

 

it makes perfect sense.  It's exactly what I was trying to describe with the idea of do unto others being problematic.  

[Ami1uwant]

On 6/12/2021 at 9:41 PM, earlgreymuffin said:

Okay, didn't expect to be called possessive and insecure today from a total stranger but I guess I shouldn't expect much from forums like these lol. It's generally agreed that if someone does something knowing that this something makes the other uncomfortable(and has made that clear), it's considered to be disrespectful. Other people in this very thread have mentioned the word "respect" many times. It's totally cool that other people have different opinions on what "respect" is for them - like you for instance, seem to be very lenient on past romantic partners and their involvement in your current relationship, but a lot of people are not okay with that and for them, that would be considered "disrespectful".

I mentioned earlier that it's really not about trusting him because I do, but I want someone to have similar expectations with me about stuff like this. 

it makes you uncomfortable if he talks to other women ....that jealous snd controlling.

 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Huge red flag here. Whether he wants to admit this to himself or not, he’s sniffing around to see if something could develop with her down the road. 

I’m willing to bet if she ended her relationships and told your boyfriend she’s interested in him, you would get dropped like a hot potato.

Healthy, mature individuals are protective of their relationship, and don’t go adding unnecessary people or drama.

[earlgreymuffin]

21 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

it makes you uncomfortable if he talks to other women ....that jealous snd controlling.

 

 

i've said this in previous replies but it doesnt make me uncomfortable when he talks to other women in general. he has many friends who are women and I am totally okay with that. heck, I trust him so much that I didn't mind when he went on a trip with one of his girl- best friends. 

[earlgreymuffin]

8 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Huge red flag here. Whether he wants to admit this to himself or not, he’s sniffing around to see if something could develop with her down the road. 

I’m willing to bet if she ended her relationships and told your boyfriend she’s interested in him, you would get dropped like a hot potato.

Healthy, mature individuals are protective of their relationship, and don’t go adding unnecessary people or drama.

thanks for the reply! i don't think he really has feelings for her anymore(maybe he used to last year), and if he does that's ultimately his problem. I just won't be in his life anymore. I guess I'm just annoyed that he would put me in this position in the first place, when I didn't. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So you dumped him?! Wow!

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, earlgreymuffin said:

i've said this in previous replies but it doesnt make me uncomfortable when he talks to other women in general. he has many friends who are women and I am totally okay with that. heck, I trust him so much that I didn't mind when he went on a trip with one of his girl- best friends. 

Either this woman is super hot or you really don't truth your guy. Its a contradiction to say you "trust him so much" and still have the need to make this thread.

I dont believe you are being honest with yourself. I too see some red flags but mostly in your corner....and if you were male making this post every other post would be calling you controlling and abusive..I dont think you are abusive,  just making a point about the kind of biased comments you are getting. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, earlgreymuffin said:

. I just won't be in his life anymore. 

Good call. Take a break from dating and relationships for a while and just enjoy yourself.

[Calmandfocused]

Before I go further I wanted to say I’m strongly in the camp of “no friends with exes”. Unless you have children with the other person I do not advocate staying friends with exes. I think it causes so many problems in current relationships then it simply isn’t worth it. 
 

However this woman is not an ex. She’s a old high school crush. Big big difference! 

I would compare this situation to having a previous crush on someone at work. It happens a lot. People get over it, they move on and they still have to talk/ interact with those people… about work. 
 

This boils down to your boyfriend wanting to discuss “work” with his former friend from years ago who he just happened to have a crush on. Over the phone and with another friend present. No big deal IMO. 
 

My advice is chill, relax and let him do it without question. If, subsequently, this “develops” and it crosses the boundaries/ parameters of your relationship, then you need to re-evaluate whether this is a boundary crossing that YOU can tolerate. 
 

If it isn’t you know what to do. Remember that you can’t control other people’s behaviour but you can certainly control how YOU respond to it.