**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[BiancaSW]

I am lost, confused and I need an advice. I know what I did wrong and I know that I am the one to blame for getting involved in this situation. I have punished myself enough for it.

I was involved with a MM for over a year. We were just friendly at the beginning, but he said he developed feelings for me and wants to build a rship.

after I have asked him how he sees us building a rship while he is still married to the other woman -> he said he needs more time to sort things out and I should not be the one pushing. I sadly fell in love and he was reassuring me every day he has strong feelings for me.

there were periods when it was getting hard for him to juggle things, we were breaking up, but then getting back together.

We were talking 24/7, planning things together - what house we wanna get, what we would do in spare time, finance, stuff like that....I have never been so happy in my life and he kept constantly saying he can’t stop thinking about me, getting butterflies in his tummy, obsessed with me... etc etc.

i genuinely thought he is unhappy in his marriage as he stated if he never gives us a chance he will be regretting it for the coming years.

I was asking him to make a decision one way or the other and he was constantly asking for more time. I was patiently waiting...

One day his wife read our messages while he was at work. He called me and asked me for forgiveness and for all the terrible things he said to me, asked me to be there for him... that night he goes home from work and blocks me everywhere. No explanation.

He stopped coming to work and his number got changed. His wife was trying to get in touch with me, texted me abusive stuff. Still no contact from him.

Silence for weeks. I was worried sick of what might have happened, was hurting, lost and started to go down spiral. I was completely erased from his life and there was no way contacting him. I did not try too hard tbh -  it was already too humiliating as it was. I was just hoping one day he will contact me himself and explain what’s happening.

A month later I am getting a call from an unidentifiable number - him shouting at me, saying he wants nothing to do with me, he never had any feelings for me and he would not call what we had a relationship. (later on I have learnt his wife was listening in the background).  

We talked some more - all the serious issues I was trying to raise were dismissed and I have put the phone down.

That was the last time him and I spoke.

After a month or so his wife started a harassment campaign against me, which lasted for weeks. He told his wife all my personal details and medical history... so she can entertain herself.

She stated to my family member that I deserve all I get, as I was the one throwing myself at her husband, he never had any emotions for me and that I practically forced him to have sex with me. She called me names. 

She had her right to be angry, if that’s what he said to her. I have personally never spoken to her as I knew it would not lead to anything productive. 

I know for sure it was never about sex neither for him, nor for me... we were simply crazy about each other and we cared about one another..the only condition I agreed to be with him on were his feelings for me.

I know he moved on as soon as he abandoned me -  they are still together,  he has a good life, she is trying everything to keep him to herself, he even moved his job...

I probably deserve what I got, but I cannot get over that horrendous feeling of hurt and betrayal he imposed on me. He knew how genuinely I love him - and he could have told me what is happening and what choice he made. Instead he blamed me on everything and turned himself into a victim. He has a good life now, and I am trying to move on but I am broken into pieces.... please no judgment but any good advice would be appreciated!

 

 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

 

I know for sure it was never about sex neither for him, nor for me... we were simply crazy about each other and we cared about one another..the only condition I agreed to be with him on were his feelings for me.

Gently, I'd like to fix the above statement for you...

You were crazy for him, you cared for him--he did not feel the same for you or have the same feelings as you believe as evidenced by his behavior.

The way he treated you, as you gave so many examples, shows his true feelings. Always pay attention to actions over words. He dropped you without hesitation. He threw you under the bus. There was not one single moment he checked on your welfare or showed any concern for how this has impacted you. He totally sold you out to save his own hind.

That tells you everything you need to know about this man. He is a louse. I know that is difficult to hear, but at least you know the truth about him so you can be rid of him. 

He was never going to come through for you, not on anything at all. That's what he proved to you. Take care of yourself and never give him another second of your precious time. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I am lost, confused and I need an advice. I know what I did wrong and I know that I am the one to blame for getting involved in this situation. I have punished myself enough for it.

I was involved with a MM for over a year. We were just friendly at the beginning, but he said he developed feelings for me and wants to build a rship.

after I have asked him how he sees us building a rship while he is still married to the other woman -> he said he needs more time to sort things out and I should not be the one pushing. I sadly fell in love and he was reassuring me every day he has strong feelings for me.

there were periods when it was getting hard for him to juggle things, we were breaking up, but then getting back together.

We were talking 24/7, planning things together - what house we wanna get, what we would do in spare time, finance, stuff like that....I have never been so happy in my life and he kept constantly saying he can’t stop thinking about me, getting butterflies in his tummy, obsessed with me... etc etc.

i genuinely thought he is unhappy in his marriage as he stated if he never gives us a chance he will be regretting it for the coming years.

I was asking him to make a decision one way or the other and he was constantly asking for more time. I was patiently waiting...

One day his wife read our messages while he was at work. He called me and asked me for forgiveness and for all the terrible things he said to me, asked me to be there for him... that night he goes home from work and blocks me everywhere. No explanation.

He stopped coming to work and his number got changed. His wife was trying to get in touch with me, texted me abusive stuff. Still no contact from him.

Silence for weeks. I was worried sick of what might have happened, was hurting, lost and started to go down spiral. I was completely erased from his life and there was no way contacting him. I did not try too hard tbh -  it was already too humiliating as it was. I was just hoping one day he will contact me himself and explain what’s happening.

A month later I am getting a call from an unidentifiable number - him shouting at me, saying he wants nothing to do with me, he never had any feelings for me and he would not call what we had a relationship. (later on I have learnt his wife was listening in the background).  

We talked some more - all the serious issues I was trying to raise were dismissed and I have put the phone down.

That was the last time him and I spoke.

After a month or so his wife started a harassment campaign against me, which lasted for weeks. He told his wife all my personal details and medical history... so she can entertain herself.

She stated to my family member that I deserve all I get, as I was the one throwing myself at her husband, he never had any emotions for me and that I practically forced him to have sex with me. She called me names. 

She had her right to be angry, if that’s what he said to her. I have personally never spoken to her as I knew it would not lead to anything productive. 

I know for sure it was never about sex neither for him, nor for me... we were simply crazy about each other and we cared about one another..the only condition I agreed to be with him on were his feelings for me.

I know he moved on as soon as he abandoned me -  they are still together,  he has a good life, she is trying everything to keep him to herself, he even moved his job...

I probably deserve what I got, but I cannot get over that horrendous feeling of hurt and betrayal he imposed on me. He knew how genuinely I love him - and he could have told me what is happening and what choice he made. Instead he blamed me on everything and turned himself into a victim. He has a good life now, and I am trying to move on but I am broken into pieces.... please no judgment but any good advice would be appreciated!

 

 

 

I'm sorry to read this.

I have a couple.of questions. 

1) how long did you wait for him to sit things out before the disaster happened?

2) does he have children with his wife?

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I know he moved on as soon as he abandoned me -  they are still together,  he has a good life, she is trying everything to keep him to herself, he even moved his job...

Well, I don’t know if he has a good life. It sounds like there was hell to pay at home and he is suffering the consequences of his decision. I don’t envision this couple walking into the sunset, holding hands with little hearts floating all around them…

Unfortunately, this is pretty textbook stuff. You developed feelings for the man, he didn’t discourage you but he also never chose to be with you. The excuses, the repeated delays, the blame shifting (you should not be the one pushing), and the fact that he threw you under the bus the moment that he was caught and there were consequences for his behavior… all very textbook. 

As will be your recovery. This will hurt for a while, but you will learn from this experience and the next time you meet a man who is holding a big red warning sign - you will heed that and not blindly follow your heart down a path of self destruction. And as HadMeOverABarrel says - pay attention to actions, not words. Words mean nothing, when not followed up by actions. 

I’m sorry this happened to you. Take care of yourself, practice forgiveness and self care, and let go of this man. Leave him to his angry and abusive wife. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I cannot get over that horrendous feeling of hurt and betrayal he imposed on me. He knew how genuinely I love him

To be fair? Multiply this by like 10 to understand how his wife is feeling right now. 

Anyway, unforuantely, this relaitonship you had with him was a fantasy. That's not to say that it was all pretend on his side. He was obviously interested in you and enjoyed spending time with you. However, you should have avoided all daydreaming about the future - the house, how you'd spend your free time together, all of this. None of that was based in reality, as long as he was still going home to his wife every night. So while you were thinking you were moving towards a real future, he was using this as an escapist fantasy from the doldrums of everyday life. You say you were so happy with him, but OP, that happiness was a mirage. It had no real foundation. 

If he meant what he said about the life he wanted with you, he wouldn't have thrown you under the bus and completely cut you off the moment his wife found out. It's a painful reality check that you did not mean as much to him as he did to you, and he didn't intend to leave her. He knew what to say to get you stick around for his entertainment, though. I do hope other OWs will read your thread to see how their stories will likley end. 

Stay No Contact and never again involve yourself with a man who is not single. It almost never ends well. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

  I cannot get over that horrendous feeling of hurt and betrayal he imposed on me. 

Sorry this happened. You need to block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

If anyone is stalking/harassing you, get a restraining order.

He did not "impose hurt or betrayal on you". You knew he was married.

Sadly something was missing in your life so you imposed that on yourself.

As long as you blame him for your decisions, you won't feel better or make better choices.

It may be time to see a physician/therapist about the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.

 

[BiancaSW]

4 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Gently, I'd like to fix the above statement for you...

You were crazy for him, you cared for him--he did not feel the same for you or have the same feelings as you believe as evidenced by his behavior.

The way he treated you, as you gave so many examples, shows his true feelings. Always pay attention to actions over words. He dropped you without hesitation. He threw you under the bus. There was not one single moment he checked on your welfare or showed any concern for how this has impacted you. He totally sold you out to save his own hind.

That tells you everything you need to know about this man. He is a louse. I know that is difficult to hear, but at least you know the truth about him so you can be rid of him. 

He was never going to come through for you, not on anything at all. That's what he proved to you. Take care of yourself and never give him another second of your precious time. 

Thank you very much for your reply! Yes, that all makes sense and that’s sadly what I have learnt!

i do not know what is the incentive of dragging someone along for a year (and it would have continued dragging along had his wife not found out about us) if you have no feelings for this person. What was in it for him? He was texting me like crazy from 6am until late night every day for a year. Was it some sort of a sick game or a mere entertainment? What was in it for him? He appeared so genuine when we were talking about things - once I got angry with him for not making decisions and he started to cry, stood on his knees and said he knows he is a coward but he needs and wants to change for me. You can see nothing changed tho.... he threw me right under the bus as you have rightly said.

what I know is he is completely petrified of his wife - he was texting me (when she was reading it remotely) that “she is f***ed up and he is scared of her and I do not know what she is capable of.” He was always terrified she finds out and tells their relatives about what he did so they turn away from him and that the “divorce is gonna be ugly”. And he will never see his children. 

It was discussed extensively over a year period and he was asking if I can be a shoulder for him to cry on and lean on and if I will support him with everything. I was happy to share my money, help him to look after children.....

i don’t know what he was doing, I just feel like a useless piece of trash - him taking me for a spin and discarding when not needed....

[BiancaSW]

4 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I'm sorry to read this.

I have a couple.of questions. 

1) how long did you wait for him to sit things out before the disaster happened?

2) does he have children with his wife?

Thank you for your questions!

1) on the day his wife remotely read his messages he was at work and called me before going in to his house asking to forgive him if he ever did me wrong and said he doesn’t know how am I even listening to him and said he will let me know what happens and we agreed to meet a day after that - we worked together so would be easy to meet up for lunch.

he then disappeared for over a month - phone number was changed and he wasn’t coming to work.

then when he comes back to work -  our common friend, who knew what’s happening asked him to contact me -  and so he did - called me from home with his wife being there. Shouting that he wants nothing to do with me.

2) yes, he has children with his wife. I under his is a primary contact for them when they are sick / in trouble. It was always him leaving work to tend to them, he cooks, cleans, washes them - wakes up at night when children are crying. He said he is the only one doing it at home. I don’t know what the real situation is - but that’s what he said. His friends said he is doing everything - all the housework and cooking, and scared of his wife because when she doesn’t get what she wants she gives him lotsa trouble.

[BiancaSW]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Well, I don’t know if he has a good life. It sounds like there was hell to pay at home and he is suffering the consequences of his decision. I don’t envision this couple walking into the sunset, holding hands with little hearts floating all around them…

Unfortunately, this is pretty textbook stuff. You developed feelings for the man, he didn’t discourage you but he also never chose to be with you. The excuses, the repeated delays, the blame shifting (you should not be the one pushing), and the fact that he threw you under the bus the moment that he was caught and there were consequences for his behavior… all very textbook. 

As will be your recovery. This will hurt for a while, but you will learn from this experience and the next time you meet a man who is holding a big red warning sign - you will heed that and not blindly follow your heart down a path of self destruction. And as HadMeOverABarrel says - pay attention to actions, not words. Words mean nothing, when not followed up by actions. 

I’m sorry this happened to you. Take care of yourself, practice forgiveness and self care, and let go of this man. Leave him to his angry and abusive wife. 

I got a picture the other day sent by a friend, him and his wife are happily smiling all dressed up with their kids. He seems to be enjoying himself like nothing ever happened. Like I never ever existed. I don’t understand how you can be so close to a person for a year and then discard them like a piece of garbage and just happily move on with your life?

his wife seems to be very happy too - she said I was just used for sex by him (and I know for sure that was never a cornerstone, yes, it obviously happened - but what he was always pushing for were the walks, talks, spending time together, cuddling, him telling me about his childhood and his mum who passed away. He would cry and cuddle me.

But then every time things we’re going wrong - I was the one to blame and I started to think I am an embarrassment for him and started to be ashamed of myself. He would call his wife my name by mistake but I was the one he would blame for it. His wife read our messages - he shouted at me for messaging him too much (he was messaging me non stop himself).

i feel like garbage tbh, worthless and useless. I trusted every single word he said and wanted him to lead things his own way.... 

[Wiseman2]

Whenever the spouse finds out, the standard answer is "it meant nothing".

The only unclear thing about that statement is if it's just another lie or not.

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To be fair? Multiply this by like 10 to understand how his wife is feeling right now. 

Anyway, unforuantely, this relaitonship you had with him was a fantasy. That's not to say that it was all pretend on his side. He was obviously interested in you and enjoyed spending time with you. However, you should have avoided all daydreaming about the future - the house, how you'd spend your free time together, all of this. None of that was based in reality, as long as he was still going home to his wife every night. So while you were thinking you were moving towards a real future, he was using this as an escapist fantasy from the doldrums of everyday life. You say you were so happy with him, but OP, that happiness was a mirage. It had no real foundation. 

If he meant what he said about the life he wanted with you, he wouldn't have thrown you under the bus and completely cut you off the moment his wife found out. It's a painful reality check that you did not mean as much to him as he did to you, and he didn't intend to leave her. He knew what to say to get you stick around for his entertainment, though. I do hope other OWs will read your thread to see how their stories will likley end. 

Stay No Contact and never again involve yourself with a man who is not single. It almost never ends well. 

Thank you for your reply!

yes, his wife is angry - but she is only angry with me. from what I have heard from ppl she didn’t let to go to work for a while and made him change the workplace and the number, but she was only angry at him for a short period for cheating on her for a year. 

By the way - he was never faithful to her and had once-off sexual encounters with work colleagues.

they are posting happy pictures together and seem super happy. They teamed up against me - for what reason I don’t even know, I haven’t tried to contact either him or her after that disgusting call. As I have stated above he gave her all my contact details, how to contact me at work, home address - so she could entertain himself.

she said he did nothing wrong by cheating - it was me who was a “sexual predator” and almost “making her husband to engage in activities with me by manipulating him”.

[BiancaSW]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whenever the spouse finds out, the standard answer is "it meant nothing".

The only unclear thing about that statement is if it's just another lie or not.

I am asking myself same questions. I don’t know why would you be with someone for a year and keep going if you have no feelings for that person.

When I said we were in contact 24/7 it’s not an exaggeration- we would see each other at work couple of days a week, do things outside of work, he would call me when he was at home, we were texting through the day every day....etc etc.

Had he said “I will never leave my family and do you want to be friends with benefits” - I would walk away. No hard feelings.

i was asking him same question every single week - why he wants to be with me and he was stating he wants to build a relationship and he found someone special he has “strong feelings” for...He said he is only with me because he wants to give himself a chance to change his life for better and he can see how life can be so different.

but obviously you don’t treat someone you have feelings for the way he treated me. I don’t whether his fear was stronger than his feelings.... 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

she was only angry at him for a short period for cheating on her for a year. 

Ah, so she's not the ogre he made her out to be.  No surprises there.

9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

she said he did nothing wrong by cheating - it was me who was a “sexual predator” and almost “making her husband to engage in activities with me by manipulating him”.

Of course he would explain it this way.  And she's happy with this explanation.  

[BiancaSW]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, so she's not the ogre he made her out to be.  No surprises there.

Of course he would explain it this way.  And she's happy with this explanation.  

well... she wasn’t angry at him, she stated he is a victim in this situation.

she embarked on a campaign of harassment against me (I know I deserve it and she was angry) - she would know everything about me - including my health issues and mock me for it, threatened to ruin my career, called me a liar and offended my family members. 

She stated her and her husband are super happy together and I am the one who cannot move on (element of truth there) but I was not the one contacting either of them - it was her playing about with my contact details....

And she kept posting their pictures for me to see - with their eyes shining and both of them smiling and cuddling....

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

yes, his wife is angry - but she is only angry with me

This is illogcial, but it's common. She's in major denial about his role in this. 

 

40 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

it was me who was a “sexual predator” and almost “making her husband to engage in activities with me by manipulating him”.

Because that's what he told her, and she wants so very badly to believe it. It makes it your fault, and prevents her from having to face the painful truth of a husband who was an eager participant in an affair. 

19 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

And she kept posting their pictures for me to see - with their eyes shining and both of them smiling and cuddling....

Again, this is another mechanism of her denial. She wants to pretend it's all fine and remind you that he is not yours. 

You have to cut these people out, 100%. You have learned the hard way that this man does not love you, and does not respect you. He was all too willing to blame you so that he could stay with his wife. The true state of their marriage is irrelevant. What is relevant is that you look out for yourself now, and never have any contact with him again. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

His wife is a woman with kids, she is not going to throw him out if she can help it.
She will power on through for the sake of her kids and for the maintenance of the family unit.
Maybe she loves the bones of the man, maybe she doesn't, but practically it is best for all if they stay married and put on a brave face.

She is not your enemy, never was, she was clueless.
Now she is hurt, angry and fighting for survival.
She needs to take her husband back and so you become the  target of her ire.

Your story is very common. 
We had a guy on here once who said he did the whole future faking thing with his OW, but he said he didn't mean it.
It was just fantasy all part of the fun. He told her he loved her but it was more "I love being with you, I love your body, I love the sex", NOT "I can't live with out you, I want to marry you and die in your arms..." 
He had no intention of leaving his wife and kids.
He was very shocked when he found out his OW had believed every word.
He thought, like him, planning the future was just a fun escape for her.
 

[BiancaSW]

27 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

His wife is a woman with kids, she is not going to throw him out if she can help it.
She will power on through for the sake of her kids and for the maintenance of the family unit.
Maybe she loves the bones of the man, maybe she doesn't, but practically it is best for all if they stay married and put on a brave face.

She is not your enemy, never was, she was clueless.
Now she is hurt, angry and fighting for survival.
She needs to take her husband back and so you become the  target of her ire.

Your story is very common. 
We had a guy on here once who said he did the whole future faking thing with his OW, but he said he didn't mean it.
It was just fantasy all part of the fun. He told her he loved her but it was more "I love being with you, I love your body, I love the sex", NOT "I can't live with out you, I want to marry you and die in your arms..." 
He had no intention of leaving his wife and kids.
He was very shocked when he found out his OW had believed every word.
He thought, like him, planning the future was just a fun escape for her.
 

It makes sense completely.

but sadly, it was not a fun escape - us planning things together was a tough game.

we would go for a walk or would sit somewhere talking about things and he would cry and get sick by talking about his divorce. He was absolutely terrified of what she would do to him. I have never seen a man crying so much.

He was scared of her. He said he will lose everything - children, money, house - and whether I will be there for him and whether I need it at all. He said I will get sick of his kids and will kick him out in no time and he will have to go and live with his dad. he was shaking. I offered he stays with his wife if he is scared to leave the marriage and it would be honest way to end things.

but he kept asking to give him a chance to prove he is not a coward and can do it.

he never bought me any gifts as he was scared she would trace his card, he was paranoid she is checking his phone, he was hiding it and switching it off - he said  you have no idea how much s*** I will have to go through if she finds out. People who knew the couple said that she wears pants in their family and he is doing what she tells him to do. She invites her relatives around and makes him to cook for them and if he does not do it right she shouts at him in front of children. he never planned anything with his friends as he was always doing the child care. he said he doesn’t have time to scratch his arse because of amount of housework. Asked if we move in together  - if I will be able to help him. 

It was mostly tears and him losing weight, not sleeping. I saw him getting sick and not eating months after months. I offered him a different life if he wanted to. I would do anything for him I said - I would share money, look after his kids, I was super loyal.... I never hurt him in any way or made him doubt my intentions.

All I asked for was for him to be honest with me and respect me and if he wants to go and be with his family - to do it in a dignified manner. I have never thought for a million years that he would make me some sort of animalistic sex addict.

[BiancaSW]

I feel it was all my own fault. I should have not got involved with him in the first place (obviously). But after I did I should have learnt quickly he is attracted to strong women like his wife and I was too spineless and allowed him to do everything on his own terms. I should have seen the signs and stopped that affair before it was too late. But I constantly came up with excuses for him. When he sensed he can do whatever he pleases - obviously there was no respect left for me. I don’t respect myself for being so spineless. I am really disappointed with myself and embarrassed of being me.

Had I shown him my strong side may be things would turn out differently.

Edited June 14, 2021 by BiancaSW

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

I feel it was all my own fault. 

Excellent insight.

With that you can avoid headaches and heartaches in the future by avoiding red flags 🚩 like married men and office romances.

[BiancaSW]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent insight.

With that you can avoid headaches and heartaches in the future by avoiding red flags 🚩 like married men and office romances.

true. it wasnt even an office romance as such. we worked for a while together and then I moved to a different part of organisation. There was nothing going on between us when we worked together. 

I was in a more senior position then him and he was always making me uncomfortable about it by saying he “can’t believe someone like me ended up with someone like him”.

we got together during one of the parties his colleagues organised. we sat down and chatted and he said he likes me and he thought I hated him as we never spoke before then. I said I like him but he is married. nothing happened that night we just talked. he then kept messaging me being regretful about us not booking a room during that party and not getting busy. he was very keen on the ladies that night and his colleagues asked him why he is not getting a divorce form his wife as they have witnessed same behaviour over many parties beforehand.

 after the party we were texting to each other and I fell madly in love with him. he on the other hand stated he wants out of his marriage but is scared and begged me to give him a chance and for us to get to know each other. he said I have never felt like that for 20 years I have known my wife. And despite his infidelity to her previously - he truly never had a long-lasting rship with anyone by her. 

[BiancaSW]

After what he did to me - I hold no grudges towards him. I hope he is happy with his decision. I just wish he didn’t throw me under the train and never shouted at my face that he never had feelings for me and I was just a piece of crap on the side. It broke me into many many little pieces and I don’t know how to go about it. I did not even deserve a dignified break up - why? what did I do to him PERSONALLY that he hates me so much?

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I feel it was all my own fault. I should have not got involved with him in the first place (obviously). But after I did I should have learnt quickly he is attracted to strong women like his wife and I was too spineless and allowed him to do everything on his own terms. I should have seen the signs and stopped that affair before it was too late. But I constantly came up with excuses for him. When he sensed he can do whatever he pleases - obviously there was no respect left for me. I don’t respect myself for being so spineless. I am really disappointed with myself and embarrassed of being me.

Had I shown him my strong side may be things would turn out differently.

Throwing the OW under the bus/train on Dday is almost par for the course.
It didn't matter really if you were a strong or a weak woman.
Wife and kids and family vs an affair partner?
Wife and kids and family usually wins.

He is a weak conflict avoidant man, as most MM are actually.
He unloaded all his problems onto you and you thought you could "fix" him and he would be oh so grateful.

[elaine567]

You think his wife is an ogre. I guess if you actually met her she would be no ogre.
He makes her into an ogre to get you to feel sorry for him and it makes you feel closer to him.
You can also dismiss her as being a horrible person and no threat to you...
You may find she has become the way she is because of the way he treats her, has treated her...
Living with guys who are cheating is not easy, whether she knows if he is cheating or not.

Edited June 14, 2021 by elaine567

[BiancaSW]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Throwing the OW under the bus/train on Dday is almost par for the course.
It didn't matter really if you were a strong or a weak woman.
Wife and kids and family vs an affair partner?
Wife and kids and family usually wins.

He is a weak conflict avoidant man, as most MM are actually.
He unloaded all his problems onto you and you thought you could "fix" him and he would be oh so grateful.

he cudve told her anything he wanted. but calling me and humiliating me with her listening to the conversation? why to do that? To solidify his marriage? he knew how it would make me feel hearing that he never had feelings for me - he knew it would break me. why to do that? could he just not tell that to his wife? 

to our common friend (his ex colleague) he said that him and I are both responsible for what happened and he had feelings for me but situation is such that his wife found out and he promised her to never speak to me. Called me with her on the phone same day to humiliate me after telling that to the colleague.

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

I have never seen a man crying so much.

This right here is a red flag. One that most people wouldn't catch unless you have dealt with someone like this before. The tears, the weird reaction that makes you think that wow, this must be a huge issue. Truth is, if his wife was so scary, he would not have engaged in an affair. 

Of course, he had to quit his job. This is common in affair recovery. Anything having to do with the AP needs to go. Even friends who knew but did nothing about the affair need to go. 

I am sorry you are hurting! And confused. And all the emotions. But in every way, this man has shown you that you have dodge a bullet here. So focus on that. You cannot make sense of the actions of a person like this. Especially if you are stating he is a serial cheater. RUN!!!!