**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[mark clemson]

@pepperbird2 if you read all the above, he's apparently done this before and been reconciled. Apparently, so long as he turns on the OW (and let's wifey abuse her emotionally a bit) he is taken back. She probably likes having her status as a MW, her family such as it is, and her meek and conflict-avoidant husband who will put up with her. He may realize this at some level.

As to why he stays, that's the exact question asked of so many people (of both sexes) in abusive relationships. They probably shouldn't but they do anyhow. C'est la vie.

It always surprises me how some folks around here refuse to recognize an abusive BS when it's being very clearly described. If this was a regular post not involving infidelity and the stuff above was being described I doubt there'd be any trouble seeing the wife's behavior for what it apparently is.

Edited June 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[BiancaSW]

47 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

How exactly did he handle this situation with dignity? 

It seems to me that his intentions were pretty clear - he was primarily concerned with himself and how an unplanned pregnancy would affect his marriage and his family. He had no plans to divorce, he was concerned that he was going to “lose everything” - meaning, his finances (in the event that his wife discovered this betrayal and filed for divorce), his marriage and his family. 

You have somehow twisted this around to indicate that he cared for you and that he handles this with dignity because he came around to say he would do what was required…

Note, this is not “I’m choosing to be with you and I have filed for divorce.” It is “this will not define our relationship” ie. we will continue as we have been and “if we are meant to be together we will be” ie. I make no promises, but maybe someday if the fates allow…

I’m not saying this to be unkind. This was probably a very difficult experience for you. But my goodness, you need to look at this realistically and not from the fantasy of “If I get pregnant with his child, we will be a happy family because he is such a wonderful father.” He said in as many words - he did not want to lose everything (ie. his family), he wanted you to terminate the pregnancy, how dare you screw up his life! There is nothing loving or dignified about that. There is nothing to respect here. 

Thank you BaileyB that’s a very good insight - I suppose I was so much in love with him I could not see the obvious things. He caused me a lot of pain by wanting me to terminate - as he knew how much i want a child of my own. He kept constantly saying he sees dream where him and I are on wee boat with a girl who looks like me and he says he wakes up and his heart is beating. After all that bullshit I naturally thought he would not be against having a child together. And you are 100% right again - the fact that he came round at the end - it’s whats EXPECTED of a man, not something to respect and look up to. He never asked me once what i want - it was always about him, only at the end he said I will accept whatever you have decided and move along with your decision.

There was another very serious issue that I had to come across in relation with that, which I hope I will have guts to uncover later in the thread. It significantly contributed to the whole shock scenario.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

 He's got the "poor me" pity party down to an art form.

Quote

According to Martha Stout, Ph.D., author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is the pity play.

“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness,” Stout says. “It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

He found an excellent victim in you. The decent trusting empath.
Once Dday arrived, he discarded you, threw you under a bus without a care in the world.
He had no use for you any longer.
It was all about HIM. I guess it was always all about HIM.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

how that great guy was so truthful and honest and sensitive

Who are you talking about?

Because this guy is the opposite of great, honest and truthful. The fact that he was cheating on his wife should have been your first clue. 

OP, I mean this with respect, but you have got to give your head a shake. 

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I think we are on to something here. I'm going to go down the road a bit on helping you figure him out, because I think it will ultimately help you figure yourself out, the role you played in it, and how you can grow from the experience. 

This man does strike me as very emotionally immature. He reminds me a bit of my emotionally disabled brother who, although he is 40 years old by birth, often acts like he's 14 years old with his choices. I look after his finances and it's interesting how he tries to push my buttons for extra monies. The thing to remember with people who are severely emotionally immature is that while they seem innocent, naive, and vulnerable, they also have a bad side where they act out through rebellion, deceit, and other adolescent behaviors.

It seems this MM was asking if you will be his new mummy. Your nurturing mother instincts kicked in and you couldn't say no to this sweet, broken child. However! I also see some similarities to how I related to my xMM. I was very nurturing to him (read: codependent). He would even say at times that he didn't deserve me and I was such a good person, etc. (Fwiw, in hindsight I now take everything he said with a grain of salt because he was also a master manipulator, so who knows what was truth vs lies, maybe all lies and I'll never know).

Sometimes I would answer him saying that all the kind things I did for him also reminded me to do them for myself, that I enjoyed being kind to him. Trust me--he enjoyed my kindness too! Reciprocating that kindness to me? Not so much afterall. 

It is quite possible your MM chose his wife because she was a good replacement for his real mom. It is possible his real mom had narcissist tendencies (like my mom) and encouraged his dependence and weakness so he would 'stick' to her (the same mom did with my brother). His wife definitely has control issues by the way she has acted, and that might fit with his mother's style, too. Does that mean he was ever sincere about trading her for you?  Not necessarily. He clearly likes their dynamic since he chose to marry her, chooses to stay married, and even massively threw you under the bus for her. 

I think his affair with you was a rebellion against his mommy wife (like a teenager has a girlfriend but doesn't share it with his mom). But when mom found out, it proverbially hit the fan and he had to give mom back control by selling you out. She then went on to punish you because (probably) in her mind, he's her little kid and you're another bad kid trying to corrupt him. 

Meanwhile, in this adolescent drama, he gets mommy to 'protect him' while he gets away unscathed as the 'innocent victim.'  Yep, he's good at manipulating her, too. So had you become his new mommy, rest assured he would be rebelling against you too, when you both would've been comfortably settled into your new roles.

Now all this may paint a picture that little 'Tommy' doesn't know what he's done. But! before letting him off so easy, let's consider this... My xMM represented me on a traffic ticket in court about a year after no communication through a totally odd twist of fate (seriously, the original lawyer I hired to represent me broke her foot while out of town on vacation the day before my hearing and the firm reassigned him to appear for me). Afterwards, we hung out and talked. The tone was friendly and non-sexual. During our conversation, he updated me on his kids' lives, etc. I'll never forget one of his comments: "[daughter's name] is a player like me." And! in telling me about his mom's death during the preceeding year, he said he is a lot like his mom (whom he also expressed much contempt about during our affair while she was alive). That says he knows for sure he plays games even though he enjoyed my 'nuturing,' and he learned his manipulative behavior from his mother. I suspect thus is the case with your MM.

My therapist says we each have a 'story.' Our story dictates our lives save repeats itself in our relationships. I have a story of betrayal and I've been betrayed by family, friends, and lovers. The flipside of that is something I'm still exploring.

This is all to say, what is your story? What was it that got you into this situation? Your tendency to nurture comes from a wound within yourself. You identified with his wound (it even made you cry) because it was something familiar within you. It's something that needs your attention now so you can heal it. 

Unfortunately, unhealed wounds are our areas of vulnerability that present opportunities for others to take advantage of us. When people want something from us, they can press those buttons within us to get it. You are now extremely well-positioned to reflect on this, heal it, grow from it. Once you do, you could become an extremely valuable resource to help others, too, but not until you do your own work first. 

I feel you are going to do this work and it's going to be an unbelievable benefit to you. 

Best wishes!

Thank you for your thoughtful comment! Yes, I have heard these words before - the exact ones you have mentioned - he said to me I cannot believe someone like you chose someone like me, he said I am punching above my waist with you - again lies lies lies! Although I am a decade younger than he is  - I am in a more senior position job wise. For some reason it mattered to him a lot - he would always point out how people in my profession are a***holes and at the same time could not believe that I chose to be with him regardless of our professional positions and that it doesn’t matter to me at all. When it comes to feelings - who cares what job one is doing? 

as for his mother - I believe he was already with his wife when she passed away. But growing up he said he closer to her then any of his siblings and he would always do something to make her proud and seeing her proud like choosing the exact career pathway she undertook. 

I think he said she struggled with health issues, addictions, had to quit her job and did not accept any help, so her health deteriorated and she passed away sadly. He said she was a strong woman who also spoke her mind and was fair and he wants to be like her. He said she would always defend the weak, while being nice and smiley to everyone.

In his career domain he was / is really good working in a team - always stood up for his colleagues, always helped everyone and was nice and professional and someone to look up to. People considered him a brave soul always standing up for everyone, and a caring one - as he was always the one to lend a helping hand.

Thats why the stories don’t add up - and I am like - how is the guy, who is so amazing has the other side to him? Endlessly I blamed myself for being the catalyst and the reason why....that I did something / that I’m annoying, stupid, wrong in what I say and do... etc etc.

Edited June 14, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

He caused me a lot of pain by wanting me to terminate - as he knew how much i want a child of my own.

I’m sure that he did. What he said to you was very hurtful - cruel. 

[stillafool]

I bet you aren't the first OW he has done this to.  From the way you describe his behavior with the other women it seems like a pattern.  I bet his wife has been through this before.

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He found an excellent victim in you. The decent trusting empath.

He really did. And, I say that as a compliment OP - you sound like a lovely, kind, and compassionate woman. 

The problem here is that the very things that I just complimented, were also the very things that contributed to the poor decisions you made with this man. He doesn’t actually need to make excuses for himself - you do it for him… His childhood trauma, his relationship with his mother, his difficult wife, he can’t leave because he loves his kids so much, he wanted a baby with me but it just wasn’t the right time so - what if I want the child, he thinks we should terminate the pregnancy and dreams one day that we will be a boat with a daughter who looks just like me… the words tumble out of his mouth and you snatch them up and run with them. 

You are far too trusting. Being open, and vulnerable, and empathetic is a good thing - but, when you see actions that don’t line up with the words you are hearing and when you see these kinds of red flags - you need to be more attentive. You placed your trust unwisely here, and it got you into trouble. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

This was probably a necessary move and I was going to suggest something along these lines but clearly you've already done it.

It sounds very much like she is not only dominant in their marriage but also at least mildly abusive. The fact that she is nice some of the time and posts pretty pictures on SM is no surprise as many if not most abusive partners use intermittent reinforcement (sometimes unconsciously) to help keep their partner "glued in" and also create a facade of normalcy as best they can. I suspect that if you hadn't called the lawyer it would be continuing. For his part, I strongly suspect he is co-dependent.

 

Because she made him most likely. Possibly he enjoys taking the role of abuser once in a while as well. Now that you are wrapped up in "their stuff" you are a target for emotional abuse. They sound VERY dysfunctional. Get away and stay away.

 

Not a shock in an abusive relationship. HE is the one sticking around for this and probably will for years to come, unfortunately, but co-dependency can be hard to shake.

 

Ah, but he gets to be the man he cannot be with his wife with his APs. A bit more in charge AND he gets to vent some of his distress that has built up.

 

 

Deserve is such a rigged word. Does Jeff Bezos deserve to be a billionaire while paying the lower level folks in his company so little? Did starving thieves in ancient times deserve having their hands cut off? Opinions will vary widely and depend a LOT on things like personal views and like cultural milieu.

Does your former MM deserve to be in an abusive relationship? Dunno but he stays. Does his abusive BW deserve to be cheated on? Probably not, but she's willing to reconcile and keep him around. Does she deserve criminal charges for her harassment of you? Perhaps, but it doesn't sound like you're in any mood to press them.

The simple thing to do to cut through all the clutter and emotional damage here is walk away as quickly as is reasonably possible, and stay away while you mentally recover and eventually seek a more emotionally healthy partner.

thank you for your answer mark - I don’t know how to answer to separate quotes so answering as one big thing instead!

yeah, I got fed up with that stuff she was throwing at me, I understand she was upset / angry etc, but it was really affecting my everyday life so I opted for resolving an issue in a calm way.

I don’t know about abusive stuff - perhaps you are right, he always kept his cards close to chest at work, so only thing I have heard from his colleague was that she films him while he is being drunk and says on the video - look that’s my husband. I don’t know if she could use smth like at court fighting for a child custody. From his own words - she is not the keen one to look after kids and when he leaves her with them and goes to work the house is always a mess he has to clean up. Colleagues said she holds him on a tight leash, because otherwise he has a tendency to derail and get naughty. I know he is scared of her as hell.

when we started to go out - the first thing he said to me after our first date was - do you know how much s*** I will get if this unfolds and she finds out? Same as - do you know if I gonna be divorcing her how ugly it will be? A colleague who knows him said that if he had a wife like this MM he would tell her to f*** off, would pack his bags and fly to the North Pole. So I don’t really know what it is in for him if their marriage is so messed up... no idea.

The other thing I have not mentioned is he is very close to her side of family. They always came above me - her brother is his best pal, and whenever he needs something done, MM would drive to his place to help him out after work complaining how tired he is, and all he wants to sleep but he needs to go there because her brother does him favour too.

Same with her parents - MM does all the things for them, while their own children going about their own business. MM said he does it because her side of the family helps to look after their kids so needs to return a favour. But as far as I know MM looks after her brothers kids a lot - before and after work, so it’s very much mutual if anything

he said if we would end up together he would want them to be around, he said it comes with a territory and it will be hard at first, but they are nice people and would accept me. I said why would her relatives accept me? they would always take his wife’s side. so I guess a huge part in his decision-making was him partying with her family if he leaves her...

He knew all of that - what he had to lose, that was his life for twenty years, yet he chose to proceed with things....

 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

How did he handle this with dignity? He accused you of trying to ruin his life.... while he was an active participant.  On top of this, he knows you want children and he was trying to convince you to terminate this potential child. How is that dignity and worthy of respect?

Only after he realized how he f'ed up and wouldn't have his play toy anymore does he back pedal. 

that’s very true - I can see it now. He saw I was firm on my decision - I suppose he got scared things will go pear-shaped for him.

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I think it's because he wanted his mommy wife to do the breakup work for him. He is weak, manipulative, and conflict-avoidant. He knows his mommy will clean up his messes for him so he took the opportunity to play victim, throw you under the bus, so his mommy wife can rush in to save him from the bully vixen. His 'charm' cuts both ways.

he is a grown man, a father and he needed his wife to break up with the women he chose to bring into his life? I felt so disgusted by that. Honestly, it destroyed me as a person when I learnt what he did. 

He said to our common friend he can’t lie to his wife anymore and wants to be transparent to her. And he can’t talk to me because that’s what he promised her

as it turned out - he chose to call me with her being there to benefit himself and someone to have “his back” while he is shouting at me and saying I am not worthy for someone to develop feelings for me

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Exactly! Back in December, after spending the night with my dying friend in hospice center, I was my mom's house eating breakfast. My narc mom was jabbering away on gossip about people I didn't even know. I looked at her and said, "I just spent a gruelling night sleeping in a chair next to my dying high school best friend in hospice. I don't want to talk about anything else right now."

What did my mom do? She started crying like a little kid whose feelings got hurt. Yep, so insensitive. It's always about her no matter what. She's done the same crap even while I was recovering from in-patient surgery just the day prior. Always expects to be tended to even if you are on death's door, and if you don't perform, out come the tears and manipulations. 

I’m sorry to hear that, you clearly needed a lot of support at the time and someone to be there for you, not other way round! 

[Starswillshine]

10 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

Colleagues said she holds him on a tight leash, because otherwise he has a tendency to derail and get naughty.

He has proven that she is right. Can you fault her on this? He is a cheater.... he is the cause of her "control."

11 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

when we started to go out - the first thing he said to me after our first date was - do you know how much s*** I will get if this unfolds and she finds out?

Well of course he would get in trouble and get lots of s*** for going out on a date with another woman. Any wife would give her husband s*** for dating another woman. Another case of his actions causing hers....

12 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

only thing I have heard from his colleague was that she films him while he is being drunk and says on the video - look that’s my husband

Potential that she knows he has been having an affair and maybe she is building up a case to put herself the in the best light in front of the court. If he acts in a manner that is so obvious that she is filming him, there is yet another reason for her actions.

 

While I do not at all excuse her behavior towards you... you have to see where her reactions are coming from, and maybe that "controlling wife" action is quite warranted given his behavior. Granted, she should divorce his rear, but that isn't your problem.

 

Look at all these examples and see it from her perspective. Now put yourself in her shoes... would you want to be married to this guy? Is this guy really worth all the pain and agony you are feeling right now? You really did dodge a bullet. 

[BiancaSW]

33 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I bet you aren't the first OW he has done this to.  From the way you describe his behavior with the other women it seems like a pattern.  I bet his wife has been through this before.

no she would not know, that’s why she is angry at me. as I have said he only had brief one-night stands, nothing lasting like that

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

He said to our common friend he can’t lie to his wife anymore and wants to be transparent to her. And he can’t talk to me because that’s what he promised her

This is commonly required in marriages when spouses are trying to reconcile. 

14 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

as it turned out - he chose to call me with her being there to benefit himself and someone to have “his back” while he is shouting at me and saying I am not worthy for someone to develop feelings for me

To his credit, I don’t know that he wanted to do this. It is a cruel thing to say to another person, I don’t know many people who would chose to do this to another person. It doesn’t benefit him unless his wife is standing over his shoulder, listening to your discussion. And, if that is the case, he is saying the words because he is required to say the words. He is saying cruel words to you because he is a weak man who doesn’t have the strength of character to stand up to his wife and say - I will not say these cruel words. 

The thing you need to remember - you do not assess or gain your worth as a person from a man. Not this man, or any other. I’m sure that it hurt, but you need to let it go because to a woman who has a healthy sense of self - these words mean nothing. They are simply the words spoken by a disgruntled man who got caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing and he needs somewhere to shift the blame…

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Well, he could divorce if he had the gonads for that. But apparently not. If the BW is half as abusive as has been described above, he'd probably be worried about what would happen to them without him around as a buffer.

that’s a point he raised once - he said she is not managing kids well - I know because all his colleagues were saying how tired he constantly is doing the childcare and not being able to scratch his ****. They said that his wee naughty party things are to be excused as he does not have much time to enjoy himself. 

Then he raised that point with me - asking if I would be ok helping him with kids. He said he will do all the housework, but it would be nice if we could have shared responsibilities. 

i work twice more hours than he does, but I said when I can I would gladly take care of his kids (not like his wife would allow me anyway!).

he asked if we are getting a house - can we get one close to the kids, because he wants to be there for them. He said kids are like sponge and would adapt having me around if I am willing to contribute.

but we went through phases - when he would blame me for not asking him about his kids and not loving them(!) - I don’t know how I could love someone I have never met in my life. I said I would surely love them because I love him and they are such a big part of his life.

other days he would say why to tell you about my kids / show you their pictures if we might not work out and you will never meet these people. what... 

[BaileyB]

L

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

I know because all his colleagues were saying how tired he constantly is doing the childcare and not being able to scratch his ****. They said that his wee naughty party things are to be excused as he does not have much time to enjoy himself. 

Are these the coworkers who watched him have sex with another woman in public? Are these the same people passing judgment on his wife? Just curious.

2 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

Then he raised that point with me - asking if I would be ok helping him with kids. He said he will do all the housework, but it would be nice if we could have shared responsibilities. 

The man asked you to care for his children. That’s not cool on so many levels… but, in the place you were in I’m sure it sounded wonderfully romantic and you were more than willing to offer your assistance. 

4 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

he asked if we are getting a house - can we get one close to the kids, because he wants to be there for them. He said kids are like sponge and would adapt having me around if I am willing to contribute.

but we went through phases - when he would blame me for not asking him about his kids and not loving them(!) - I don’t know how I could love someone I have never met in my life. I said I would surely love them because I love him and they are such a big part of his life.

other days he would say why to tell you about my kids / show you their pictures if we might not work out and you will never meet these people.

 As I said above, you were far too trusting. Surely you see now that there were so many red flags flying here, you could have had a parade. 

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

Again, he's so worried about his kids, yet he'll do the one thing that has a high rate of blowing their world up and limiting the amount of time he can spend with them?
If she is so abusive, why is he hell bent on keeping his marriage together? Why not report the abuse? If she is so abusive to them, why does he fight so hard to maintain the status quo? Why continue to stay and subject them to that? Why is he only worried about his happiness and not his kids?

This man is full of more crap than one of those port-a -johns. He's got the "poor me" pity party down to an art form.

You have asked excellent questions - I so wish I knew the answers to them! I was asking myself these questions for the whole year!! Is it the strict mummy picture his wife portraits in his life that he is scared to lose? As for the kids he asked for equal time saying they would be a part of my life and if I will take him with the luggage. He said he needs to be selfish and be happy and hopefully his kids will come round understanding it one day. I agreed to all his conditions and I would definitely stick to my promises.

I rarely spoke to him about his wife - I didn’t want to pry over as I said. He once was angry at me for something - think his wife saw message notifications from me on his phone and told me off for texting him too often. He left the phone lying around and never put it on a password (said his wife will get suspicious) so blamed me for that....

i said he is selfish and he always controls what I can and cannot do while he is bending to adapt stuff for his wife’s sake, I am doing the same for him. I was ready to walk away - I said I wish his wife and everyone else would find out what he has been up to because I reached a breaking point and clearly had to let the steam off by telling him that. He said he can see my s**** true colours and he doesn’t want to throw 20 years of life he build up with this wife for someone like me...

he later called and apologised, saying he was angry and he can’t believe I am still speaking to him after all he said to me.

it was s*** thing to say of me that I wish his wife knew - but I would never do anything like that - I had plenty of chances to tell things to her but I never did that, even when she contacted me herself, I thought he should sort stuff out by himself. 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Well of course he would get in trouble and get lots of s*** for going out on a date with another woman. Any wife would give her husband s*** for dating another woman. Another case of his actions causing hers....

This actually made me laugh out loud - the man is on a date with another woman complaining to her about how much trouble he will be in if/when his wife finds out. 

OP - most women don’t appreciate it when their husbands go on dates and have sex with other women. That’s not a reflection of whether she is a reasonable/unreasonable person any more than it is a function of the contract that he agreed to when he promised to be honest, faithful, and true only to her.

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

no she would not know, that’s why she is angry at me. as I have said he only had brief one-night stands, nothing lasting like that

And....how do you know this to be true?  Even one night stands says he's cheated before and was perhaps caught in one of them.  At any rate he has a pattern of cheating with OW.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

He said he needs to be selfish and be happy and hopefully his kids will come round understanding it one day.

Yes, because that is how most parents make decisions when they have children - selfishly. The kids will deal with it, or they won’t. But hopefully, they will come around one day…

Most parents put the needs of their children ahead of there own. Not saying they would stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children, because it can be argued that it is in the children’s best interest for parents to separate in some situations. Still, even if the parents divorce - good parents still put the needs of their children first. They do whatever they can to soften the blow, to ease the transition, to provide stability for their children. But, this guy - he’s going to be selfish and the kids will have to come around. Again, his needs come first, before everyone else including his children. Nice. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Are these the coworkers who watched him have sex with another woman in public? Are these the same people passing judgment on his wife? Just curious.

I was about to ask the same question.  You keep saying all this stuff his colleagues are telling you and I'm wondering why you would want collegeaues knowing you are having an affair with a MM?  It  would seem you'd protect your reputation by keeping the affair private if for no other reason than professionalism.

[BiancaSW]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, because that is how most parents make decisions when they have children - selfishly. The kids will deal with it, or they won’t. But hopefully, they will come around one day…

Most parents put the needs of their children ahead of there own. Not saying they would stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children, because it can be argued that it is in the children’s best interest for parents to separate in some situations. Still, even if the parents divorce - good parents still put the needs of their children first. They do whatever they can to soften the blow, to ease the transition, to provide stability for their children. But, this guy - he’s going to be selfish and the kids will have to come around. Again, his needs come first, before everyone else including his children. Nice. 

he will do anything for his kids, I know that, he is a very good father. as I said above in the thread he said if it wasn’t for the kids things would have been different

[BiancaSW]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I was about to ask the same question.  You keep saying all this stuff his colleagues are telling you and I'm wondering why you would want collegeaues knowing you are having an affair with a MM?  It  would seem you'd protect your reputation by keeping the affair private if for no other reason than professionalism.

some of his colleagues were my friends, two of them my very close friends. I should not have told anyone - but they are decent people, who promised to keep things quiet. when he disappeared I had no idea what’s going on - some were saying he is very sucks and then his wife started to contact my workplace...it was such a mess, I have turned to friends for advice and see if they know something, as I was left alone in this (rightly so) and he had his family there for him. I needed some support. no way I did that to damage his or my reputation. some of them knew we were an item beforehand as they saw us together on occasions, but they always were very protective and supportive and it never got out anywhere.  

I know it was a s*** thing of me to do to turn to people who know him for support, I didn’t know any better, and I regret it now. was in a completely messy mindset - lost and frustrated and scared. no wonder he was so angry at me, perhaps that’s why he said he wants nothing to do with someone like me. it would make me angry too if I was him. 

[torn_heart]

9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

 

I know it was a s*** thing of me to do to turn to people who know him for support, I didn’t know any better, and I regret it now. was in a completely messy mindset - lost and frustrated and scared. no wonder he was so angry at me, perhaps that’s why he said he wants nothing to do with someone like me. it would make me angry too if I was him. 

No, it was a good call. If they are your friends (an maybe more your friends than his) it was a great call. 

For my issues I've found that talking to people you can trust about the issue is the best thing to do to work out your problems, and people you know in common can give you an extra insight on what do other person thinks or is doing.  So no, don't be sorry for talking about your problems with people you trust.