**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[BaileyB]

Advice from someone who actually had her affair partner gather the courage to leave, only to end the relationship. note the comment “I can’t say that I didn’t love you…”  
 

 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

2 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I thought he meant these things. In person he was very genuine and all the good things I have heard about him and his own stories how much he cares for everyone. I thought he genuinely would be wanting to change his life for m.

The more you have written about your MM, the more he sounds like mine, except for the last part of throwing you under the bus.

My second date with x-MM, he cried over his son, who has a debilitating chronic illness. He is unhappy in his marriage.  She neglects him and shows no affection.  He's just there to do chores, handy work and bring in the paycheck.  Despite how unhappy he is, he's tried to make it work for the sake of the kids.  They both need him.  😭😭😭  I bought it hook, line and sinker.  Later, I was the love of his life, never knew he could get a woman like me (like you, I was a higher income earner and more senior, though we never worked for the same company).  We would have the kind of life he never thought was possible. He would spend every day making me happy - blah, blah, blah.  We talked every day from 6 am to midnight.  We saw each other minimum 3 days a week up to 6, even though it was a 1.5 hour round trip.  We had overnights. We talked about where we would live, vacation etc. We were perfect together and I was perfect for him.  🤣🤣  He was leaving as soon as her disability was sorted, her pension was resolved, the daughter's mental state got better, the son's surgery was completed ....

Our break up process lasted about 6 months (give me time to sort it out)  and then one day I just said, let's call a spade a spade - you aren't leaving to which he replied simply, not at this point.  Six months later, he reached out.  Had so much remorse and regret over how he treated me, how he let me go.  He finally saw the light.  His marriage was never going to work.  So we got together for coffee a few times over the next 3 months, nothing more than coffee though.  He finally left the marriage ad we tried again for all of 6 weeks before I kicked him to the curb because things just didn't add up.  9 months apart made a difference in seeing things clearly and looking for red flags more effectively.  Found out after reconciliation that BS actually kicked him out because she found out about another other woman.  I got the privilege of speaking with both the BS (lovely woman, nothing like he described) and the other OW.  Even saw some of the texts with the OOW.  Did they ever sound familiar.  They were exactly like the ones he sent me, right down to love of my life, never been happier and so on.  Compared notes on things he said to her and did with her.  Again, deja vu.  I guess if you figure out what works, why not use it again.  No creativity or originality at all.  Same stuff.

How could he seem so genuine and be such a fraud?  Who knows and at this point, who cares.  His primary concern is himself and everyone else is merely collateral damage.  Run in the opposite direction and never look back.  You will never figure it out or understand because you will never be like him.  And that's a good thing.

[BaileyB]

^^ I remember your original posts PR, you would get so angry with people who suggested that he was anything less than genuine and that it wasn’t going to be your happy ending. You were sincerely sure that he was a devoted husband and father, and you argued that the time you spent together and the fact that you spent overnight dates/holidays together meant that you were his chosen partner… For the longest time, it was a hard fought battle to see this man as anything less than the fantasy you had created - but, the strength, and wisdom, and compassion that you show when you share your story in an attempt to help others is something to admire and truly an asset to this community. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

Thank you Bailey for the kind words.

Unless you have ever met a man like that at a vulnerable time, and are that sort yourself, you can not believe that they can be so seemingly genuine and not really be genuine at all. So mild mannered, so polite, so seemingly concerned about everyone else his own needs take a back seat.  In retrospect, he was just mirroring me and that's how he got me.  I never would even dream of doing this to someone so it never occurred to me that someone was capable of being so genuine while bs'ing.   Or maybe they are genuine, in the moment - who knows.  But they are also conflict avoidant and will take the easy way out every time.  I don't know how many times he said 'I wish ...' to which i used to reply one of 3 things:

1. replace your wishbone with a backbone
2. if you pile up enough tomorrows you'll find you're left with a lot of empty yesterdays
3. Inaction breeds doubt & fear, while action breeds confidence - conquer the fear by doing not just thinking about it

In the end, he proved himself, but not in a good way.  I will say, the experience has made me less naive and much more cautious.  I guess for that I thank him?

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

I will say, the experience has made me less naive and much more cautious.  I guess for that I thank him?

We don’t gain strength or wisdom because things work out.

 

Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Yeah it is disturbing that he apparently chose to call you and do that. Some people in highly dysfunctional situations alternate between roles (e.g. abuser/abusee). You could research the "Drama Triangle" (there's a good bit on it on the internet) to see how some folks do this kind of role switching, even e.g. as a married couple. In his case, the repeated affairs might even be part of the abuse if he expects his wife to eventually find out, be hurt, but take him back anyhow due to practical concerns.

This is reasonably common in affairs and sometimes known as "future faking". I suspect this was mostly fantasizing on his part about an open relationship with you and little more than that. I could be wrong, and perhaps he did it to keep you "reeled in". At some level he probably knew none of this would pan out as he's too codependent and/or scared of potential consequences to actually leave. Just a nice little dream/break from reality for him.

It is sad to say and I hope it doesn't hurt you because it's clear you had genuine feelings for him, but honestly, this whole thing was likely mostly a band aid on his bad marriage (to him). Sure he had feelings for you, but he was never going anywhere. As many above have noted he made the typical choice when push came to shove. He is too stuck to leave his marriage and even turns around and blatantly vents his frustrations on you as his wife has done with the disability info.

You are so much better off realizing that this was a mess even from the beginning (you just didn't realize how MUCH of one you were walking into) and getting away from it all ASAP.

I know all of this is true. I thought in a grown up world - illusions and fantasies are a bit immature. 

He knows I work hard and how busy I am and how demanding my job is. I am pushing despite all the health issues and the ONLY reason I was ever with him is because HE wanted something serious.

I see now he lied to me - about everything it seems as his ultimate goal was to never leave his wife. He disposed of me like I never mattered and he never once looked back to see how I am getting on with life. 

When he disappeared I was drinking - and when he called I confessed he hurt me so much I had to resort to a drink (I was on leave at work - so i could do it) because the pain was insane.

his wife obviously overheard it - so in a month time I was overwhelmed with AA referrals and private clinics calling me to arrange appointments. It was just a short period of time I drank and normally I don’t tolerate alcohol at all. 

There is a another big thing that would pull the whole story together and I am trying to pull myself together to share it...

[BiancaSW]

for any man or a woman to hear that they are not worthy any feelings despite being told contrary for a year is a big shock to the system! and that whatever you invested your time and energy in was NOT a relationship. And they want nothing to do with you like you are some nasty creature.

you feel devalued - you feel like a big piece of a worthless s***. you don’t want to live after these words. if someone peripheral says that - perhaps one can get over it quickly or laugh it off. But when someone you care about is saying that - that’s when it hurts the most. Mistress or no mistress - no human being deserves to be told that. You can say it to a stalker you want no associations with or someone who did something truly terrible to you.... i was none of these things

Edited June 15, 2021 by BiancaSW

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

When he disappeared I was drinking - and when he called I confessed he hurt me so much I had to resort to a drink (I was on leave at work - so i could do it) because the pain was insane.

his wife obviously overheard it - so in a month time I was overwhelmed with AA referrals and private clinics calling me to arrange appointments. It was just a short period of time I drank and normally I don’t tolerate alcohol at all. 

He may have lied to his wife and told her you were an alcoholic.  You never know what these guys will say to protect their arse.

[BiancaSW]

I just felt for a long time that I am crap because I was treated as one, I was wondering for a long time how did I not even deserve a small pinch of respect.. I am a decade younger than him, he kept telling me I am the most beautiful woman he ever been with (May be bull), I have a respectable job (but then again - any job is respectable), I was willing to share everything with him - so what else was there that i could not offer him that his wife could? These were the ugly thoughts going through my head, I felt inadequate, and the way he wanted me to terminate - like baby from me (not from his wife) would be some useless rubbish - that left a long imprint and would be the wound that would never heal... with all that said above that was the man who every single day was saying how strong his feelings are and how much he cares about me. He would start texting me at 6am every morning until 3am next night. He would be obsessed if I would not reply for 10 mins, men who stood on his knees in my flat and begged to give him a chance, crying and kissing my tummy... what was all that? Goya’s monsters sitting on my shoulders? The sleep of reason definitely produces them

[BiancaSW]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He may have lied to his wife and told her you were an alcoholic.  You never know what these guys will say to protect their arse.

he told her all sorts of rubbish Hundo P. She subscribed me for bipolar disorder, mental health services... God knows what. And I don’t have mental health issues.

[BiancaSW]

10 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

He said. Which were just words. But what actually happened was when push came to shove, when the opportunity arose, he shoved you under the bus. He openly insulted you. He sat back and allowed his wife to take shots at you. He never checked in on you. He quit his job, jumped through all the hoops for his wife. 

Actions speak much louder than words. He has proven where he wants to be and what is his top priority. 

But what did he have to lose? I offered him everything and more! The only thing is yes - he would not be sleeping next to his kids every night 

[BiancaSW]

10 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Please stop saying he is a good father. Every moment he spent with you and on you was time taken away from his family. And good fathers don't make Mommy enraged by screwing multiple coworkers. Good fathers don't put their needs ahead of everyone else's.

The more you tell us about him, the worse he sounds. You need to figure out why you so easily fell in love with a sleezeball. Screwing a coworker in front of colleagues -- disgusting and unprofessional. Multiple ONS -- dangerous and nasty.  Cheating on and lying to his wife -- untrustworthy  What made you want to have a R with a man like this?  

He spent time with me only when his kids where in school / nursery / with relatives as their mum was not keen looking after them, so he could only get out when they were not around

 

not sure what made me. I was stupid and fell for him - believed all the things he said. Believed may be I was worthy of him 

[BiancaSW]

10 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

He said. Which were just words. But what actually happened was when push came to shove, when the opportunity arose, he shoved you under the bus. He openly insulted you. He sat back and allowed his wife to take shots at you. He never checked in on you. He quit his job, jumped through all the hoops for his wife. 

Actions speak much louder than words. He has proven where he wants to be and what is his top priority. 

also if he wanted to be with her so much and loved her so much - why bother lying to me for a year? He shudve said where he stands. 

[BiancaSW]

10 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I just want to caution you about your generosity in future relationships. This way of thinking can get you into trouble with potential future love interests who may not have your best interests at heart. 

@BaileyB commented about your good nature and I agree with her assessment, but I also think you should be much more discerning before you decide to be so generous. 

Don't be afraid to screen carefully and even test someone before making a serious commitment (or even investing too much of your time).

It wasn’t about generosity tbh. He had a lot to sacrife and give up, he would walk away with nothing. If I saw he did smth lie that for me - of course I would support him financially

[BiancaSW]

10 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yeah, I'm really airing all my dirty laundry on your thread, right? 😆

I think it's because I'm more emotional than usual: dying dog, unruly brother issues, mom hoovering me because she wants help with the estate and I'm inclined to oblige plus a host of other stressful responsibilities on my plate. 

It's got me being 'extra honest and transparent.' Truly I hope it benefits you though. I really believe you are going to gain a lot when you recover from this.

Not at all!! Thank you for all your help and sharing your life experiences! You have surely been through a lot! I have been trying to bottle things up and now I came across so many wonderful people - I’m so glad I have shared!

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

But what did he have to lose? 

You're kidding, right?

His wife, full time access to his children, his reputation, connections, money, his home.   If things were that bad, he would have left before you even came along.

[BiancaSW]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

You're kidding, right?

His wife, full time access to his children, his reputation, connections, money, his home.   If things were that bad, he would have left before you even came along.

well I agreed to help him to raise kids as my own, his reputation would not be damaged since all work colleagues were supportive of whatever relationship we have had, money and house we would have sorted.

yeah, he would have left. but he said he never thought about it before he fell for me.

[BiancaSW]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

well I agreed to help him to raise kids as my own, his reputation would not be damaged since all work colleagues were supportive of whatever relationship we have had, money and house we would have sorted.

yeah, he would have left. but he said he never thought about it before he fell for me.

he saw me 4-5 times a week and spent nights and days texting me. he would not stop texting until 3-4 am.

he left his house and drove all the way to my home which is 20 miles away while his wife was sleeping 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

well I agreed to help him to raise kids as my own, his reputation would not be damaged since all work colleagues were supportive of whatever relationship we have had, money and house we would have sorted.

yeah, he would have left. but he said he never thought about it before he fell for me.

What about reputation among family and friends?  What about only getting 50/50 access of the kids.  What about hurting them by leaving?  And if he never thought about leaving before you, then things were pretty good for him.  Certainly, things were better at home if he wasn't up for risking all that on a new love which may not have worked out.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

 I was overwhelmed with AA referrals and private clinics calling me to arrange appointments. 

This explains a lot in terms of denial. Excellent you're getting sobriety support.

Stay clean and sober so you don't end up with married men again.

[Starswillshine]

You have to stop putting yourself through this torture. It was never a decision about you OR her. It was always a choice of you AND her. He never wanted one, the goal was always two. 

[BiancaSW]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This explains a lot in terms of denial. Excellent you're getting sobriety support.

Stay clean and sober so you don't end up with married men again.

what do you mean abt sobriety support? I am not an alcohol addict and I didn’t end with a married man because I was drunk or not “clean”

[Snakesalive]

11 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Thank you Bailey for the kind words.

Unless you have ever met a man like that at a vulnerable time, and are that sort yourself, you can not believe that they can be so seemingly genuine and not really be genuine at all. So mild mannered, so polite, so seemingly concerned about everyone else his own needs take a back seat.  In retrospect, he was just mirroring me and that's how he got me.  I never would even dream of doing this to someone so it never occurred to me that someone was capable of being so genuine while bs'ing.   Or maybe they are genuine, in the moment - who knows.  But they are also conflict avoidant and will take the easy way out every time.  I don't know how many times he said 'I wish ...' to which i used to reply one of 3 things:

1. replace your wishbone with a backbone
2. if you pile up enough tomorrows you'll find you're left with a lot of empty yesterdays
3. Inaction breeds doubt & fear, while action breeds confidence - conquer the fear by doing not just thinking about it

In the end, he proved himself, but not in a good way.  I will say, the experience has made me less naive and much more cautious.  I guess for that I thank him?

Wow thanks so much for your posts and @bailey for referencing mine earlier in this thread. It never ceases to amaze me how many of our stories are so similar and so relatable . One thing you said that resonated me the most was the comment around for us it’s hard to get our head round why someone could seem so genuine while feeding   such bull . The fact my ex mm still avoids responsibility for his actions by using comments “at the time I meant it” now just makes  me pity him . I found out recently his wife is telling everyone how remorseful he is -(I dont know  if they have reconciled or not -that is not my business) but again I’m sorry for her -I know how disingenuous he really is . If he has changed and the experience with us has made him a more genuine person then that’s a positive . If he has grown as a person -that’s a good thing . 
I can only tell you over 6 months on it stilll hurts but that I am a better person than I was in the affair , that I’m getting my self respect back and that for any other woman who feels she can’t survive without the OM you absolutely can -and not only survive but thrive 

 

 

[Snakesalive]

12 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

The more you have written about your MM, the more he sounds like mine, except for the last part of throwing you under the bus.

My second date with x-MM, he cried over his son, who has a debilitating chronic illness. He is unhappy in his marriage.  She neglects him and shows no affection.  He's just there to do chores, handy work and bring in the paycheck.  Despite how unhappy he is, he's tried to make it work for the sake of the kids.  They both need him.  😭😭😭  I bought it hook, line and sinker.  Later, I was the love of his life, never knew he could get a woman like me (like you, I was a higher income earner and more senior, though we never worked for the same company).  We would have the kind of life he never thought was possible. He would spend every day making me happy - blah, blah, blah.  We talked every day from 6 am to midnight.  We saw each other minimum 3 days a week up to 6, even though it was a 1.5 hour round trip.  We had overnights. We talked about where we would live, vacation etc. We were perfect together and I was perfect for him.  🤣🤣  He was leaving as soon as her disability was sorted, her pension was resolved, the daughter's mental state got better, the son's surgery was completed ....

Our break up process lasted about 6 months (give me time to sort it out)  and then one day I just said, let's call a spade a spade - you aren't leaving to which he replied simply, not at this point.  Six months later, he reached out.  Had so much remorse and regret over how he treated me, how he let me go.  He finally saw the light.  His marriage was never going to work.  So we got together for coffee a few times over the next 3 months, nothing more than coffee though.  He finally left the marriage ad we tried again for all of 6 weeks before I kicked him to the curb because things just didn't add up.  9 months apart made a difference in seeing things clearly and looking for red flags more effectively.  Found out after reconciliation that BS actually kicked him out because she found out about another other woman.  I got the privilege of speaking with both the BS (lovely woman, nothing like he described) and the other OW.  Even saw some of the texts with the OOW.  Did they ever sound familiar.  They were exactly like the ones he sent me, right down to love of my life, never been happier and so on.  Compared notes on things he said to her and did with her.  Again, deja vu.  I guess if you figure out what works, why not use it again.  No creativity or originality at all.  Same stuff.

How could he seem so genuine and be such a fraud?  Who knows and at this point, who cares.  His primary concern is himself and everyone else is merely collateral damage.  Run in the opposite direction and never look back.  You will never figure it out or understand because you will never be like him.  And that's a good thing.

@phoenixrising thanks so much for this post (not sure my last comment was again the correct post) 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

what do you mean abt sobriety support? 

Sorry. You mentioned drinking and AA, no?

Anyway, hopefully you're off married men. That's maybe an even more destructive addiction than alcohol.