**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[BiancaSW]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry. You mentioned drinking and AA, no?

Anyway, hopefully you're off married men. That's maybe an even more destructive addiction than alcohol.

yes I have mentioned HIS wife subscribed me for that. It does not mean that I needed it. She subscribed me for hundreds of different services - it does not mean anything

[BiancaSW]

I was not sure whether I wanted this to be a part of this thread as this is a more serious issue to bring up and I am not feeling strong enough and already hurting so much and feeling so down to be judged on something like that. But the real reason for me being in such a bad headspace is because two months after him and I parted ways I found I missed my periods. It was not a pregnancy scare. It was a real thing. And that time I didn’t want him to know. In fact I did not want anyone to know. 

[elaine567]

What is so appealing about men who seem to be emotionally labile and cry a lot, almost from day one?

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

It was not a pregnancy scare. It was a real thing. And that time I didn’t want him to know.

Does he know now? Did he at least offer to help financially with it?

It's unclear what you men by "his wife 'subscribed' you to AA"?

Hopefully you are recovering from your health situation and can one day have your own family with your own man.

Edited June 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

38 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What is so appealing about men who seem to be emotionally labile and cry a lot, almost from day one?

I would guess a lot of people see this as sign he is a such a sensitive man. So obviously must be honest and his wife just does not appreciate him. 

My ex was a crier. Even the whole on his knees begging through tears type as well. Now, I can see those over reactions for what they really are. Funny how in the early days, I just thought it was weird quirks. But reality is... he had to learn to show emotion. Thus... they are not natural. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry. You mentioned drinking and AA, no?

Anyway, hopefully you're off married men. That's maybe an even more destructive addiction than alcohol.

She was talking about xMM's BS's smear campaign against her. Another example is BS subscribed her for mental health disorder subscriptions when OP does not have any diagnosed metal health disorders. 

BS subscribed her to publications (presumably using OP's identity) and had them contact OP at work on attempt to embarrass, discredit, or humiliate OP.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I am pushing despite all the health issues and the ONLY reason I was ever with him is because HE wanted something serious.

Did you actually think this was possible with a man who was already married?  You talk about what he wanted, what did you want?  Why did you never tell him to show you divorce papers if he wanted something serious with you?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

the real reason for me being in such a bad headspace is because two months after him and I parted ways I found I missed my periods. It was not a pregnancy scare. It was a real thing. And that time I didn’t want him to know. In fact I did not want anyone to know. 

Are you pregnant now? Have you had the child?

Kindly, people are not judging you. We are hoping that you will understand that this was a poor decision, to get involved with this MM. It was never going to turn into a legitimate relationship - they rarely do. We are encouraging you to accept this and find a healthy way to move on with your life. It’s obviously more difficult to do if you are pregnant with the man’s child.

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

I am not feeling strong enough and already hurting so much and feeling so down to be judged

No one here is going to judge you for having your baby.  

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I was stupid and fell for him - believed all the things he said. Believed may be I was worthy of him 

If you don’t believe that you are worth more than this, there is nothing anyone else (including this MM) can say that will help you to believe otherwise. I think it says a lot that strangers on the internet are encouraging you to expect more from the man you chose as your life partner - because we believe you to be worth more than this. But, if you believe otherwise, there is not much anyone can say or do. 

If you chose to believe otherwise, that is certainly your choice. Where does this come from - this feeling of being not enough? Have you been given this message from the important people in your life? Perhaps, it’s the way that some people have treated you because of your disability? Somewhere, based on the statement above, you decided that you were not worthy… My suggestion to you, if you are not able to find your own worth for yourself and you are going to consider the opinion of another in determining your value and worth - at least chose someone wisely. This man - this dishonest, unfaithful, weak, conflict avoidant, runs home to his mommy with his tail between his legs hurling insults at you along the way man - he’s not the person you should chose when seeking opinions about your worth and your value. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

any man or a woman to hear that they are not worthy any feelings despite being told contrary for a year is a big shock to the system! and that whatever you invested your time and energy in was NOT a relationship. And they want nothing to do with you like you are some nasty creature.

you feel devalued - you feel like a big piece of a worthless s***. you don’t want to live after these words. if someone peripheral says that - perhaps one can get over it quickly or laugh it off. But when someone you care about is saying that - that’s when it hurts the most. Mistress or no mistress - no human being deserves to be told that.

Kindly, you devalue yourself by choosing to be in a relationship with a married man. You devalue yourself by allowing his opinion of you to determine your worth and value as a person. You devalue yourself by choosing to stay with this man (if he came back to you) after such an experience. 

If there is one lesson you need to learn - when people show you who they really are, believe them. Maya Angelou. 

This isn’t so much about him, and what he has done to you, as it is about you. You made a mistake in trusting this man, but it doesn’t define you unless you don’t learn from this and you continue to chose this for yourself. I hope you find the strength to chose a better future for yourself and your child. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I would guess a lot of people see this as sign he is a such a sensitive man. So obviously must be honest and his wife just does not appreciate him. 

My ex was a crier. Even the whole on his knees begging through tears type as well. Now, I can see those over reactions for what they really are. Funny how in the early days, I just thought it was weird quirks. But reality is... he had to learn to show emotion. Thus... they are not natural. 

Funny thing...I can relate to this. I knew something wasn't right with xMM. I used to think maybe he was autistic before my therapist diagnosed him as NPD! 😁

[Starswillshine]

24 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Funny thing...I can relate to this. I knew something wasn't right with xMM. I used to think maybe he was autistic before my therapist diagnosed him as NPD! 😁

I am an extremely sensitive, soft hearted person. Many things bring me to tears. My ex-husband would have strange reactions to things. If there was something horrible that happened to a child, as a pretty sensitive person, I would get tears in my eyes hearing the story about a child I did not know. My ex took it to a different level. It was always so strange. Until in the end, the mask was lifted. His psychologist diagnosed him on the high end of the psychopath spectrum. I dont think he even realized it so much. Because he just never had the ability to experience genuine emotion, thus as a child, he just picked it up from watching others. When we first started dating, there were many little signs in those types of emotions. Just not something that a normal person would think too much about beyond, that reaction was overdone. A friend said something like, "man, he gets really intense into things." And she was right, but it was because it was not a genuine emotion. He faked it, act it. To him that was completely normal. Because if you have not been like a normal person, how do even know it is not normal? 

[PhoenixRising8]

9 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I was stupid and fell for him - believed all the things he said. Believed may be I was worthy of him 

Let me correct that for you:

Believed may be he was worthy of me - clearly not!

[PhoenixRising8]

9 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

why bother lying to me for a year? He shudve said where he stands. 

And if he had said that to you, would you have engaged?  If not, there is your answer ...

 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

And if he had said that to you, would you have engaged?  If not, there is your answer ...

 

Exactly, men lie because if they told a woman that they were married and not willing to leave their family - not many women would consider them in any way never mind have sex with them. He knew what you wanted to hear and he had no problem saying the words - he may even have wanted them to be true sometimes. It doesn’t change the fact that he can’t deliver on any of the promises he has made to you because he is otherwise committed to another woman and not prepared to do what is required to change that fact! 

Your next question may be - why do people cheat. And surely you understand, there are any number of reasons and this is a question as old as time. It is likely more common than you may think. And that, makes this not so unusual. While it may feel special or unique to you because it is YOUR experience, it is actually a pretty standard story on this site. Do some reading, you will see the similarities. 

There are also women on this site who have become pregnant by their affair partners. You are not alone. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

8 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

he left his house and drove all the way to my home which is 20 miles away while his wife was sleeping 

Yup, same here.

How can someone who is so invested and risking exposure beyond the usual A stuff not be serious about the R? Except as experience bears out, clearly they were not.

[elaine567]

38 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I am an extremely sensitive, soft hearted person. Many things bring me to tears. My ex-husband would have strange reactions to things. If there was something horrible that happened to a child, as a pretty sensitive person, I would get tears in my eyes hearing the story about a child I did not know. My ex took it to a different level. It was always so strange. Until in the end, the mask was lifted. His psychologist diagnosed him on the high end of the psychopath spectrum. I dont think he even realized it so much. Because he just never had the ability to experience genuine emotion, thus as a child, he just picked it up from watching others. When we first started dating, there were many little signs in those types of emotions. Just not something that a normal person would think too much about beyond, that reaction was overdone. A friend said something like, "man, he gets really intense into things." And she was right, but it was because it was not a genuine emotion. He faked it, act it. To him that was completely normal. Because if you have not been like a normal person, how do even know it is not normal? 

I guess that this over blown emotion was also of same benefit to him. It got him attention or it got him out of a tight spot.
When about to be confronted by awkward questions or angry responses, then what better way to get out of it by faking some dramatic waterworks... a great diversionary tactic.
The emotional escape.
Another emotional escape is the fake anger, anger that is out of all proportion.
The anger is to allow him to escape from the situation without having to acknowledge any wrong doing on his part or answer any  tough questions.... 

Edited June 15, 2021 by elaine567

[BiancaSW]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What is so appealing about men who seem to be emotionally labile and cry a lot, almost from day one?

I thought it shows genuine sensitive soul.. I thought a man who is not ashamed to show his tears is a strong person....I can’t stand seeing people cry or upset - breaks my heart

[BiancaSW]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he know now? Did he at least offer to help financially with it?

It's unclear what you men by "his wife 'subscribed' you to AA"?

Hopefully you are recovering from your health situation and can one day have your own family with your own man.

well she filled in online forms for callback s pretending to be me - provided my name, home address, phone number there. the. The companies would call me back saying -“ you filled it in the form stating you need urgent addictions help as you are in alcoholic crisis” - I was like: what? They are - is that your name, and address and phone number and email? I obviously had to explain to them it wasn’t myself who did that. And as none of them were cold callers - but legit companies, they got very frustrated and angry at me. She also filled in forms on websites for various plastic clinic stating I need Liposuction (I guess she heard about me being pregnant) and Labiaplasty - I got around 30 different clinics calling me for that

 

yes, he does know. He chose not to believe.

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I would guess a lot of people see this as sign he is a such a sensitive man. So obviously must be honest and his wife just does not appreciate him. 

My ex was a crier. Even the whole on his knees begging through tears type as well. Now, I can see those over reactions for what they really are. Funny how in the early days, I just thought it was weird quirks. But reality is... he had to learn to show emotion. Thus... they are not natural. 

yes, that’s exactly what I thought that he is a wee sensitive soul and it just made me feel for him so much. I have never seen a man cry and I thought either husband nervous system is completely screwed up by his wife who swears and shouts at him when he does something wrong (his own words) or he is just that great guy who takes stuff close to heart. 

 

If your ex had to learn the emotional stuff as you have said... it sounds quite scary tbh.

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

She was talking about xMM's BS's smear campaign against her. Another example is BS subscribed her for mental health disorder subscriptions when OP does not have any diagnosed metal health disorders. 

BS subscribed her to publications (presumably using OP's identity) and had them contact OP at work on attempt to embarrass, discredit, or humiliate OP.

yes, that’s exactly correct - I got calls non stop at work - and she knows where I work and what I do and how inappropriate and disruptive it would be. I had my colleagues around so I made some of them to listen to the calls to prove that no way I can be there with them being busy and at the same time filling in forms for acute alcohol crisis. that was so ridiculous and nauseating that whole thing.

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did you actually think this was possible with a man who was already married?  You talk about what he wanted, what did you want?  Why did you never tell him to show you divorce papers if he wanted something serious with you?

he was asking me what do you want babe? What is it you want? He would sit me down for it and start shaking. I said I want us to be an item, not to hide, build a life together. 

He said what if we move and you will get sick of me because I will seem boring for you and stupid, you will get annoyed of my kids and you don’t know what it is to live with noisily young children and then in half a year you will kick me out and I will have nowhere to go and nothing to live on. I said it sounds like an excuse and he thinks poorly of me. He asked can we have more time talking face to face and planning the move carefully

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Are you pregnant now? Have you had the child?

Kindly, people are not judging you. We are hoping that you will understand that this was a poor decision, to get involved with this MM. It was never going to turn into a legitimate relationship - they rarely do. We are encouraging you to accept this and find a healthy way to move on with your life. It’s obviously more difficult to do if you are pregnant with the man’s child.

I’m pregnant now. I still have some months left to it.

he doesn’t want to believe. I imagine he moved the job so he doesn’t bump into me.

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

No one here is going to judge you for having your baby.  

thank you x