**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[elaine567]

Did you never consider that if his wife found out about you she would be as mad as hell with you?
Is that not one of the expected downsides of messing about with someone else's husband?

Did you expect her to just roll over, or did you expect your apparently scared and fearful MM to protect you from her wrath?

Edited June 15, 2021 by elaine567

[BiancaSW]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If you don’t believe that you are worth more than this, there is nothing anyone else (including this MM) can say that will help you to believe otherwise. I think it says a lot that strangers on the internet are encouraging you to expect more from the man you chose as your life partner - because we believe you to be worth more than this. But, if you believe otherwise, there is not much anyone can say or do. 

If you chose to believe otherwise, that is certainly your choice. Where does this come from - this feeling of being not enough? Have you been given this message from the important people in your life? Perhaps, it’s the way that some people have treated you because of your disability? Somewhere, based on the statement above, you decided that you were not worthy… My suggestion to you, if you are not able to find your own worth for yourself and you are going to consider the opinion of another in determining your value and worth - at least chose someone wisely. This man - this dishonest, unfaithful, weak, conflict avoidant, runs home to his mommy with his tail between his legs hurling insults at you along the way man - he’s not the person you should chose when seeking opinions about your worth and your value. 

Thank you Bailey, these are kind words you have said. I don’t know where it comes from - everyone in my surrounding is nice and loving, when I met this guy I was bubbly and confident, due to my profession i have to be confident and while him and I were together he was always saying only good things about me. But I guess because of the outcome that happened when things unwrapped I was hurt so badly - it knocked me off. I felt I am not good enough to be loved (as he said), not worthy, not needed (kicked me out without a second thought), and can dealt with like an incontinence pad that you just use and chuck away. And if someone like him could treat me that way - it broke my confidence and my trust in people.

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

And if he had said that to you, would you have engaged?  If not, there is your answer ...

 

I would not. I would have had a different life now

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Yup, same here.

How can someone who is so invested and risking exposure beyond the usual A stuff not be serious about the R? Except as experience bears out, clearly they were not.

yeah we would not be scared to be exposed and found out and I thought he is serious about me and putting me before her, Clearly not 

[BiancaSW]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did you never consider that if his wife found out about you she would be as mad as hell with you?
Is that not one of the expected downsides of messing about with someone else's husband?

Did you expect her to just roll over, or did you expect your apparently scared and fearful MM to protect you from her wrath?

I expected her to be angry at her husband since he is the one promising commitments to her while trying to build something with someone else. I know I was wrong to be involved with him - I should have asked to see the divorce papers and then consider him at all.

his answer to that was don’t push me.

i think he was so petrified of the divorce because he loves his wife so much and never wanted to lose her.

[elaine567]

"He is risking it all, he must truly care."
Wrong
These guys take calculated risks, they know the limits and skate close to the edge but are never in danger of falling off.
They also tend to know their wife is likely going nowhere, due to so many reasons - religion, vows, culture, kids, status, house, lifestyle,...etc. so if they do get found out, nothing will really change, they know they can always salvage the situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I agreed to help him to raise kids as my own

His kids?

Do you seriously believe their mother would have let you anywhere near them? Or that they would have wanted you around?

[BiancaSW]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

"He is risking it all, he must truly care."
Wrong
These guys take calculated risks, they know the limits and skate close to the edge but are never in danger of falling off.
They also tend to know their wife is likely going nowhere, due to so many reasons - religion, vows, culture, kids, status, house, lifestyle,...etc. so if they do get found out, nothing will really change, they know they can always salvage the situation.

sounds right to me. wish he told me he loves his wife. I would not come anywhere near him.

[BiancaSW]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

His kids?

Do you seriously believe their mother would have let you anywhere near them? Or that they would have wanted you around?

one of the conditions was - will you take me with the luggage. is that a problem for you?

I said no, not a problem. He said if we are together I expect you to help me with my kids as they are a huge part of my life. he said I will have to do school rounds and drive them about, to look after them when he is doing shopping. that’s what he wanted me to do. I just agreed to everything. I was never prying over his kids, I just merely agree to support him in any way I could and to do what he wanted.

 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BiancaSW

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

expected her to be angry at her husband since he is the one promising commitments to her while trying to build something with someone else.

Wrong.
She may be angry with him, but at the end of the day he is her husband and she will want to reconcile with him.
YOU are then going to be the target of her hate.
 

Too many OWs try to separate themselves from the wrong doing, "His wife, his vows, his marriage, nothing to do with me", but it doesn't wash with the BS, nor with many other people either.

[BiancaSW]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Wrong.
She may be angry with him, but at the end of the day he is her husband and she will want to reconcile with him.
YOU are then going to be the target of her hate.
 

Too many OWs try to separate themselves from the wrong doing, "His wife, his vows, his marriage, nothing to do with me", but it doesn't wash with the BS, nor with many other people either.

I was going to think he at least will be decent about it. He said to our common friends it was his responsibility that things happened that way. I never expected him to blame things 100% on me. Especially considering the fact that when he called me and she was waiting at home for “a talk” with him - he was so nice and said if you will have my back - I will let you know what happens, we will meet and talk about things. I said please don’t tell your wife the lies - do not make me be the person who is throwing yourself at you and you want nothing to do with her. I said we both know that’s not true. Tell your wife the real things if you want to come clean.

he reassured me he is not an idiot tell lies about me as they will backfire and said he will contact me later.

turned he told exactly what I warned him against and she believed all that ridiculous s*** that I CAME UP with. 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

one of the conditions was - will you take me with the luggage. is that a problem for you?

I said no, not a problem. He said if we are together I expect you to help me with my kids as they are a huge part of my life. he said I will have to do school rounds and drive them about, to look after them when he is doing shopping. that’s what he wanted me to do. I just agreed to everything. I was never praying over his kids, I just merely agree to support him in any way I could and do what he wanted.

May be he was trying to put you off, dissuade you from continuing on with him,  as he had likely no intention of following through, so better you end it than him.

MM are often conflict avoidant, so Dday may have been a bit of a relief for him. 
He gets rid of the ambitious OW who wants stuff he can't deliver, and he regains a wife who is then so desperate to keep him...
They unite over their contempt and hatred for the OW...
This post affair "teaming up" against the common enemy i.e. you is not unknown...

[BiancaSW]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

May be he was trying to put you off, dissuade you from continuing on with him,  as he had likely no intention of following through, so better you end it than him.

MM are often conflict avoidant, so Dday may have been a bit of a relief for him. 
He gets rid of the ambitious OW who wants stuff he can't deliver, and he regains a wife who is then so desperate to keep him...
They unite over their contempt and hatred for the OW...
This post affair "teaming up" against the common enemy i.e. you is not unknown...

there was no need for a D-day or anything like that - he could have just met with me and said “I am sorry, but I cannot move away from my family. We had feelings for each other but that’s the decision I have made. Can we stay friends or whatever”. I would have understood. He knows me well enough and knows I would have listened. Had he done it in a decent matter - there would be no drama. Wife would not know. There would be no need for the aftermath.

[BiancaSW]

I also would also not be stuck in a position I am now in had he done it months before the D-day.

[BiancaSW]

When i found out I’m pregnant (not pregnancy scare this time) I only told my best friend - who was his colleague. And asked her not to tell him anything.

so after he disappeared for 6 weeks and then comes back to work - she told him that I found out I am pregnant. He said he doesn’t believe it’s bullshit and her and I made it up to “push his buttons”.

[lana-banana]

What arrangements are you taking to ensure the child is cared for, legally and financially?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

well she filled in online forms for callback s pretending to be me - provided my name, home address, phone number there. the. The companies would call me back saying -“ you filled it in the form stating you need urgent addictions help as you are in alcoholic crisis” - I was like: what? They are - is that your name, and address and phone number and email? I obviously had to explain to them it wasn’t myself who did that. And as none of them were cold callers - but legit companies, they got very frustrated and angry at me. She also filled in forms on websites for various plastic clinic stating I need Liposuction (I guess she heard about me being pregnant) and Labiaplasty - I got around 30 different clinics calling me for that

Good you got a lawyer involved, otherwise I bet they'd still be doing it.

I'd bet this is illegal in many jurisdictions. Save some of the emails and keep records on some of the other contacts in case it starts up again. With the right forms of evidence you could presumably get her prosecuted (if you feel that is warranted). The fact that you cheated with her husband doesn't give her (or him) a license to commit crimes. He is a party to this as well by providing the info to her and possibly could get pinned as an accessory.

[BiancaSW]

7 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

What arrangements are you taking to ensure the child is cared for, legally and financially?

I will be caring financially. As for legal - the child will be mine.

as I said the dad said he doesn’t not believe I am pregnant despite my friend telling him. I have later had his best friend asking me who is the father - I thought he knew anyway so I said who it is. He blocked me in two hours time after that. So they probably spoke and God knows what he told him.

i don’t know if that was the reason for him leaving the job as he learnt I will be there and he might bump at me at some point. I don’t know what he knows or believes in. His wife subscribed me for 30 Liposuction treatments and sent a message to my sister saying that I am a liar about the pregnancy.

[BiancaSW]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Good you got a lawyer involved, otherwise I bet they'd still be doing it.

I'd bet this is illegal in many jurisdictions. Save some of the emails and keep records on some of the other contacts in case it starts up again. With the right forms of evidence you could presumably get her prosecuted (if you feel that is warranted). The fact that you cheated with her husband doesn't give her (or him) a license to commit crimes. He is a party to this as well by providing the info to her and possibly could get pinned as an accessory.

I have recorded all these incidents with the police. So they have all the records.

from where things stand - she is responsible for five actionable breaches of the law, two of which are criminal

i decided currently not to press charges as it seems petty and pathetic to me. she will also lose her job to that due to the nature of her job.

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I have recorded all these incidents with the police. So they have all the records.

from where things stand - she is responsible for five actionable breaches of the law, two of which are criminal

i decided currently not to press charges as it seems petty and pathetic to me. she will also lose her job to that due to the nature of her job.

You need to get the police involved. The wife is bullying you and you might not want/need now , but you should file for child support

[BiancaSW]

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

You need to get the police involved. The wife is bullying you and you might not want/need now , but you should file for child support

police said they can proceed with pressing criminal charges against her should I agree to that. I decided not to as it will mean she will be found guilty and lose her job. I opted for a calm way to resolve it - a lawyers latter, where he clearly stated what she did and what the consequences will be if she won’t stop. the letter was delivered to her by a court policeman and when she received she called criminal lawyers office and shouted she will report that court policeman and my criminal lawyer to the police (what...) for breaching her privacy and delivering the letter to her workplace.  I guess they had a lot of laugh at the office after her call.

[PhoenixRising8]

12 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

for breaching her privacy and delivering the letter to her workplace.  

So it was OK for her to harass you at work, but not for you to serve a 'cease& desist' to her at work  ... makes sense lol

[BiancaSW]

5 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

So it was OK for her to harass you at work, but not for you to serve a 'cease& desist' to her at work  ... makes sense lol

that’s a standard legal procedure to deliver legal documents. she shud have checked it before making any silly calls.

yes, apparently for her it was OK

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

I don’t know where it comes from - everyone in my surrounding is nice and loving, when I met this guy I was bubbly and confident. But I guess because of the outcome that happened when things unwrapped I was hurt so badly - it knocked me off. I felt I am not good enough to be loved (as he said), not worthy, not needed (kicked me out without a second thought). And if someone like him could treat me that way - it broke my confidence and my trust in people.

The good news is - if you were a happy and confident person with a healthy self esteem prior to this experience, you will find that again. Of course, this kind of experience makes you question everything you thought you knew. It would absolutely break your confidence and trusting person. 

You trusted unwisely. You missed a few red flags here. Such is life - we all make mistakes, we deal with the consequences, and life goes on… Don’t let this break you. Don’t let it define you. This is the place where resilience is developed. Grow from this experience. 

Don’t give this man any more power. Don’t let him or his wife define you. Don’t listen when they tell you that you are worth nothing - you KNOW that not to be true! You are a very capable woman and you are going to have a child - a baby to love, to teach, and to enjoy! There is a lot to look forward too here - but you need to look forward with confidence, not backward with shame and regret. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

one of the conditions was - will you take me with the luggage. is that a problem for you?

I said no, not a problem. He said if we are together I expect you to help me with my kids as they are a huge part of my life. he said I will have to do school rounds and drive them about, to look after them when he is doing shopping. that’s what he wanted me to do. I just agreed to everything. I was never prying over his kids, I just merely agree to support him in any way I could and to do what he wanted.

 

Would have been fine if the man was single or divorced. His kids would have been a part of your life and you would have offered to care for them in the role of a step parent. That said, they are not your responsibility - they are his responsibility. I drive my step son to school occasionally when my partner has a meeting and I cook his meals, but his father is responsible for the child. Do you see the difference between what you are saying and what I am saying. There is a boundary - I am not his mother, I am not his parent. A difficult dance to navigate at the best of times. The fact that this was an affair makes his request very inappropriate.