Wiseman2 Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: I would have a discussion with a lawyer about my options to prevent this man from any kind of shared custody or possibility visitation. Hopefully he and his wife want nothing to do with her or the child. Why waste money on an attorney at this time? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 2 hours ago, BiancaSW said: this made me have tears in my eyes, I so wish I knew what to answer to these questions... I wish he reached out to me at least once. from what I’ve heard he completely dismissed the whole thing and doesn’t believe it, he forgot about me altogether - like I was some bitter woman who made s*** up, he also said to me ah it’s same pregnancy scare as you’ve already had, I don’t believe you. he is enjoying his life and making happy pictures with his wife for everyone to see. he thinks I lied and she confirmed that to my family member It makes me so angry to hear of a man acting like this.Not just because of how he's treating you ( that's bad enough) but there's going to be an innocent child who will pay a price for his choices. In the end, he's going to be the one who misses out. he'll miss all those amazing moments with his son or daughter that he can never get back. Their first smile, steps, going off to school etc. You'll be the one to see her walk the stage when she graduates high school and maybe university. You'll be the one cuddling your grandchildren one day. When she or he needs a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to brag to when things are going great, you'll be the first one she/he calls. If you don't mind a piece of advice, it's this. I'm in a support group for people who were adopted or are in a situation similar to the one your child will be in ( people who don't know one or more of their bio parents). One thing one person said her mom did was to put together a box where she'd put information about her bio dad, photos of him, any details she knew for sure about his family etc. When she got old enough to understand, they went through the box together. I don't think she's ever tried to make contact with her bio dad, but the option is there should she decide to go looking. I would also strongly advise you to make an appointment to speak with a lawyer about what your rights are, what your future child's rights are and what the father's responsibilities are. Having that sort of knowledge can help you to feel like you have some knowledge and control over the situation. Than can be very empowering. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 Just now, pepperbird2 said: there's going to be an innocent child who will pay a price for his their choices. Both of them decided not to use protection and he is not forcing anyone to have their child. Getting pregnant by a married man is never a good idea. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 33 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: is it possible that he failed to manage his response because he was disgusted of me? thinking I’m a pathetic sad loser who made stories up to make him angry / make him talk to me / trick him into smth...etc. etc. any opinion would be valuable!!! im beating myself up for may be handling this situation wrong / revealing things untimely judging by his reaction... and he is finally happy - thinking I got rid of that sad woman, could have made so many mistakes leaving my wife for her - these are her true colours - “sad liar”. I can imagine this sort of stuff going through his head. Meh, I expect he's more in panic mode. he carefully constructed his life so his wife/family life are in one box and you were in another. That's about to unravel. Of course he's not going to let you, or anyone else, see that. I could be wrong, but he seems to be all about the surface image- sort of like he's emotionally hollow inside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: is it possible that he failed to manage his response because he was disgusted of me? thinking I’m a pathetic sad loser who made stories up to make him angry / make him talk to me / trick him into smth...etc. etc. im beating myself up for may be handling this situation wrong / revealing things untimely judging by his reaction... and he is finally happy - thinking I got rid of that sad woman, could have made so many mistakes leaving my wife for her - these are her true colours - “sad liar”. I can imagine this sort of stuff going through his head. There is nothing you could have done to make this different. It was likely always going to turn out this way. Married men rarely leave their marriages to be with their affair partner. And still, women hope they will be the exception. The fact that he choses to stay in his marriage is not a reflection of your worth or the fact that you are pregnant with his child. His decision is his decision, and he made that decision because it benefits him. You have been dismissed and discarded by this man, but that is a GOOD thing. With a little more time and distance, you will see him for what he really is and you will know that you are the real winner here. Leave them to their drama, and enjoy your child! Edited June 16, 2021 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 Also, just like you did not force him to betray his wife, his wife is not forcing him to betray you. His actions are of his own. Even if that was a requirement for him to stay married or what his wife required or all hell would break loose, he still made the decision to do the horrible things he did/he said. You need to let go of the notion his wife is the big bad meanie keeping the two of you apart. See his actions as his and his alone, and you will start to understand the man he is. 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 16, 2021 Author Share Posted June 16, 2021 (edited) thank you everyone for taking time and giving me all the insightful kind comments and advice! this situation is ridiculous and I largely blame myself for what happened. I haven’t planned anything in advance, I don’t think anyone did... things just happened. numerous times I wanted to contact him and apologise for reaching out to his colleagues (my friends) when he went no contact and I was stuck in this scary situation, lost and frustrated and completely on my own. he left me to my own devices and I just didnt know any better.so yes, naturally he had to double up his defence now his colleagues knew - I wish third party ppl were never involved. that was not a dignified way to deal with things. wish i was stronger and moved on right after he blocked me. let his wife to vent out and just ignored everything. even sending a warning letter to her - that took a lot of contemplation. and then revealing about my situation to him - he just discarded me, what was I thinking. there were times when I wanted to contact and send him a picture so he could see for himself. to prove I’m not a manipulative attention-seeker, not a woman latching on to a man and coming up with any excuse to keep him... I was simply very very scared. if one comes across a person who makes up excuses not to let go and comes up with revenge and gossip - one is naturally repelled by them, one does not want to be associated with them ( his words to me). So if there was any element of that in his thought-process - he is indeed in the right and what he did was a logical way of dealing with things. one can’t have any feelings or compassion towards a person exhibiting needy cringe behaviour (that’s what he probably thought and thinks of me). Edited June 16, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: if one comes across a person who makes up excuses not to let go and comes up with revenge and gossip - one is naturally repelled by them, one does not want to be associated with them ( his words to me). The same could be said for him Bianca. When one comes across a person who lies and betrays the trust of another and then makes cruel and hurtful statements, stands by impartially while allowing a third party to seek revenge, and engages in gossip - one does not want to be associated with that person (him) either. I would suggest that this kind of behavior is FAR worse than anything you may have have done to him. You don’t owe this man any apology. And the best revenge you can have at this point is to raise your child to have a happy and wonderful life! Edited June 16, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, BiancaSW said: there were times when I wanted to contact and send him a picture so he could see for himself. He knows perfectly well that it is true that you are pregnant. That is why he quit his job to get as far away from you as possible so he didn't have to face the mess (not your baby) he's made. He's wishing it weren't true but knows it is. He's still nervous wondering what the outcome will be when his wife finds out he really did make a baby with you then all hell is going to break loose. Right now he has convinced her you're lying. That is when you call for a DNA test. Edited June 16, 2021 by stillafool 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 4 hours ago, BiancaSW said: is it possible that he failed to manage his response because he was disgusted of me? thinking I’m a pathetic sad loser who made stories up to make him angry / make him talk to me / trick him into smth...etc. etc. any opinion would be valuable!!! im beating myself up for may be handling this situation wrong / revealing things untimely judging by his reaction... and he is finally happy - thinking I got rid of that sad woman, could have made so many mistakes leaving my wife for her - these are her true colours - “sad liar”. I can imagine this sort of stuff going through his head. No, FWIW I think he is none of that but perhaps is attempting to swallow his own kool-aid as it makes it easier for him psychologically to smooth things over with his wife. Convincing himself of his own baloney. But that will only last a while, while you are the "common enemy" and they will return to (what I suspect is likely) their cycle of dysfunctional emotional abuse of each other. So he won't stay happy for long, but they both, I suspect feel, what they have is normal or at least a known factor and therefore unconsciously "comfortable". His cheating is probably one (conflict-avoidant) way he shows defiance of whatever she does to him so he'll probably return to it and find a new OW eventually. Whatever he may want or not want right now, he COULD eventually decide he wants access to your child, assuming you carry and keep him/her, so I agree it would be wise to plan for and address that possibility well in advance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 16, 2021 Author Share Posted June 16, 2021 (edited) thank you again for (very much!) for all your wise supporting message and listening! I am so so glad I found this website and shared, so many lovely smart people here! I have never even thought of many of these things before - I guess I was so stuck in my own shell - I just ended up going down spiral and blaming myself for everything, also, love makes one blind and spineless. I loved that man so much I would bend backwards to make him happy, so ended up where I am now. i know what he is like now by the actions he decided to undertake, but i still have feelings for him. never in my life I felt anything like that for a man, and I know he kicked me out c deceived me, hurt me beyond imagination... I wish these feelings went away, but they are just as strong as they were on day 1 I’ve met him. I would not take him back after all he’s done, doubt he will ever knock on my door either - but I don’t know why I still have these feelings for him? why don’t they go away? For the past months I was crying in the toilet every time I would go on a lunch break during my shift, and could not look at myself in the mirror for months because I felt like a disgusting woman no one wants to be associated with; felt my life and my whole being was not worth anything. now I have read the comments and can see things more clear! i think you are right - he knows deep inside I have not lied to him (because i never did) re pregnancy but he also managed to convince himself that it’s all an illusion I came up with for whatever reason. I was thinking to put pregnant picture on social media for everyone to see (sure his wife will see too) but don’t know if it’s a good idea? Edited June 17, 2021 by BiancaSW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: i think you are right - he knows deep inside I have not lied to him (because i never did) re pregnancy but he also managed to convince himself that it’s all an illusion I came up with for whatever reason. I was thinking to put pregnant picture on social media for everyone to see (sure his wife will see too) but don’t know if it’s a good idea? Did he ever knowingly have sex with you without using contraception? After the first scare, I would have thought that both of you would have been far more careful. Anyway, if he was using condoms or was under the belief that you were using contraception, it's not unreasonable of him to question the pregnancy. Also, the timing of your disclosure could impact how he views the pregnancy. For example, if you told him about it around the time you outed him to workmates, he could understandably believe you were trying to undermine his marriage. What would be your goal in making a public post about your pregnancy? Have you consider that this would make them even more antagonistic towards you? Edited June 17, 2021 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Hopefully he and his wife want nothing to do with her or the child. Why waste money on an attorney at this time? Because certainty is better than hope imo. If I were in this position, I'd be actively narrowing his future ability to disrupt my and my (our) child's life. I would look for the swiftest route to cut off his access and influence under the circumstances. He told her to abort, and that's all she needs to know about his fathering skills as far as this child is concerned in my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 11 hours ago, BaileyB said: If it was me, I would have a discussion with a lawyer about my options to prevent this man from any kind of shared custody or possibility visitation. I would be very concerned about the unstable behavior his wife has shown and the way he has failed to manage her response. It’s good that you have this documented with the police. It is your right to ask for child support, but that may open to door for custody/visitation - I don’t know. I don’t expect that they will want to support your child financially or have visitation given what you have shared. But, I also wouldn’t put it past them to seek this as a way of hurting you or proving themselves to be victorious! I would seek to prevent my child from this possibility - there are those who would use the child to further their own personal agenda against the other woman. We have those stories here too… ^^^^^Accurate! Take steps now to protect you and baby against this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 9 hours ago, BiancaSW said: he is finally happy - thinking I got rid of that sad woman, could have made so many mistakes leaving my wife for her - these are her true colours - “sad liar”. I can imagine this sort of stuff going through his head. But why? Why imagine what's going through his head. It doesn't really matter. He already proved HE IS WORTHLESS to you. Who cares what he thinks. Focus on you and pregnancy now. Enjoy the experience--it might be once in a lifetime. Don't let painful memories overshadow it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 hour ago, BiancaSW said: I was thinking to put pregnant picture on social media for everyone to see (sure his wife will see too) but don’t know if it’s a good idea? Get your legal ducks in a row first, and if you do post, prepare for more nasty backlash. I imagine at some point you'll want to post to share with others in your life, right? Just do the protective legwork first. See if you can block them from seeing anything you post or even finding it, too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, BiancaSW said: Iwas thinking to put pregnant picture on social media for everyone to see Do you really want a social media post with "look I'm having a married man's baby"? It's seems like you have been through enough headaches and heartaches pursuing a married man. Why did subject yourself to more? He is not going to leave his wife. The pregnancy nor having the child will not make him leave his wife. All this will do is make you a single mother who will probably need paternity tests to get child support. Hopefully he and his wife want nothing to do with you or the child and it will be you alone with his child and hopefully a monthly check. It's sad. You went from part-time BF to absentee father. Counseling could help you decide how to manage all this. Do you have supportive freinds and family? Who will help out with the child? Edited June 17, 2021 by Wiseman2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you really want a social media post with "look I'm having a married man's baby"? Yeah, not a good look in your profession. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 I have said it above - I only went out with him because HE wanted to leave HIS family, not because I said let’s go out and leave your family. That was the condition I even got involved with him - HE said look I developed feelings for you and I WANT this and I NEED this. He said I will deal with MY family situation - all you need is to trust me and to let me do things my way. No one was dragging him in or manipulating him into anything (same can be equally said for me). And no I am not ashamed having his baby - as I said it was not planned. He was not keen on protection, I was on a pill - then with pregnancy scare (when i thought I was pregnant) was not taking it for some time - he knew about that too. He laughed when I made him wear protection and made me feel uncomfortable, so he never did. I don’t think he KNOWS 100% I am pregnant as he knew I am on a pill, and I knew that too - but because it was recklessly stopped (with both of us being aware and then restarted again) - that’s the ultimate effect The way I found out about it - when he disappeared for 6 weeks - I started to get quite sick, stopped eating and had bouts of vomiting. His colleague (who was also my best friend) said I should do a pregnancy test, which I discounted - as I thought it’s impossible. When it continued I did it and that was the outcome. So i did not really out him to his colleagues as such - it’s just the way it happened. What is so shameful in having his baby? I did not rape him and did not trick him into anything. It was a consensual rship - I did know he was married and he lied about leaving because it’s HIS choice (had I known he lied - I wudve never been involved with him). People (some of his colleagues) knew about it and everyone was in full support. They were annoyed at him not leaving his wife. He made me to tell my family - he was worried my mum would not accept him. It was more than casual sex. I don’t expect him to leave his wife - as i said despite me having feelings for him and missing him a lot, I would not be able to be with a man who betrayed me so much and made me go through this hell. but I want him to know there is a child, and I was honest. If he will change his mind and wants to be involved - I would not say no to him helping out. I don’t want to go through courts and stuff - ppl normally sort it out outside it. The only problem is I can’t contact him - I don’t have any of his contact details. If he wants DNA test - that’s fine. But he knows well enough I wasn’t with anyone but him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 5 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: I only went out with him because HE wanted to leave HIS family, not because I said let’s go out and leave your family. Why didn't you tell him you would be happy to go out with him once he got a divorce? You were fully aware you would be dating a married man. No excuses. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: What is so shameful in having his baby? I did not rape him and did not trick him into anything. There is nothing shameful about the baby. It isn't the baby's fault that this is the life that has been chosen for it. However there are other children to consider as well in this poor choice that was made between you and the MM. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why didn't you tell him you would be happy to go out with him once he got a divorce? You were fully aware you would be dating a married man. No excuses. he was getting angry at me for not trusting him - he said he won’t leave his wife until we sort out our future (finance, houses, what not). I offered to part ways and then he divorced, he asked me to trust him saying he is not a lowlife Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 minute ago, stillafool said: There is nothing shameful about the baby. It isn't the baby's fault that this is the life that has been chosen for it. However there are other children to consider as well in this poor choice that was made between you and the MM. he said previously that reships are not as important to him as his children - he said if he knew there is a child he would take care of child and equally of his other kids. Lies again? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 19 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: If he will change his mind and wants to be involved - I would not say no to him helping out. I don’t want to go through courts and stuff - ppl normally sort it out outside it. How many people do you know who have had a married man's baby and sorted it outside court, when the man wanted nothing to do with his former mistress or their child? What are you going to tell your child about their dad? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 6 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he knew there is a child he would take care of child and equally of his other kids. Lies again? Yes, all lies. However it's not his greatness or kindness or love or amazingness or all other BS you believe about him...it's the law. Child support is something, you, as the parent must petition for through the courts on behalf of this unfortunate child after you prove paternity. He as well has the right to petition for visitation but it's doubtful he or his wife/family want anything to do with you or this child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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