**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

you can’t be involved with someone so closely for a year and then just cut them out of your life like they never existed.

Yes, you can.

It seems incomprehensible to most, of course, but it happens. It should not be terribly shocking coming from a married man. I say that because his compartmentalization of his life is exactly what facilitated this make-believe future he was spinning for you, while at the same going home to bed with his wife every night. You are now on the other side of that compartmentalization, that place where he stores away the reality he doesn't want to deal with. 

This is who he is, the man you didn't want to see before. 

[BiancaSW]

aye, but surely he is not an idiot and would realise what he did. He is not a child but I grown up man, who contributed to things... I am so real as well, and so is my life....surely he cannot he so delisional? and his wife to blame everything on me?? like I’m the one who “made her husband to shag me against his wish”!!! argh... I obviously tried to keep this an anonymous as possible so the topic is never found and read, but I so wish both of them could read it and see what the truth is!!

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[elaine567]

A man who apparently spent most of his time with you crying on your shoulder, literally crying buckets and  frequently with his eyes smarting with tears in conversation is not surely a grown up man?
A man who takes responsibility? A man who is mentally stable???
It is then no surprise when the going gets tough he goes and hides behind his wife's skirts.
"Mummy mummy that big girl is upsetting me.."
"There there, my wee lad, my beautiful boy, Mummy will kiss it all better..."

And that is the father of your child???

[BiancaSW]

aye, that’s the wee chap... not as weak as he appeared in real life. at work he was not afraid to stand up for the team, not afraid of any of the seniors, when his team was treated unfairly he would always be the one at the front - he was respected for that!! he was always the one doing right things and his team adored him. I thought although he has a very soft side to him when it comes to personal life - he would translate some of the strength to our rship too... 

[BiancaSW]

see even when some friends of friends got sick - he would always rush as quickly as possible to help and take care of them! (not even talking about immediate family members - that’s obvious he wud be there for any of them).

basically whenever ANY person in his life found themselves in trouble - he would always be there for them! He would compromise things to help! Probably the most selfless man I’ve ever known - that’s why I am so so shocked with what he did in relation to me! I thought no matter what a person like him would be sensible and won’t let me down!

he so wanted to be like his mum - who was a good person helping everyone she could and never taking any crap from anyone....

And I never hurt him in any way - why this **** attitude ?? Why to shout at me “I want nothing to do with you” as if I’m some sort of disgusting crawling creature

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[elaine567]

Ok but did you not see the inconsistency?
This kindly lion of a man was often to be found sitting blubbing in your arms... the poor victim of his dreadful wife
What was genuine about that? He played on your empathy.
He has a fluid personality. a chameleon . He will be the person anyone wants him to be as long as it suits him. 
Made very obvious when Dday came. He again turned from the blubbering baby to a cruel selfish guy who denied you and threw you under a bus.
This time he was appeasing his wife. He became who she wanted him to be.
No sign of the kindly lion, who sticks up for justice, then, OR the victim he played for your benefit...
 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

see even when some friends of friends got sick - he would always rush as quickly as possible to help and take care of them! (not even talking about immediate family members - that’s obvious he wud be there for any of them).

Ok but this type of person is not doing such high profile acts of kindness due to altruism, it is often all about THEM and the kudos they gain because of it.
 

[BiancaSW]

Elaine I feel truly sick... i know for sure he looked after the ppl who wouldve never returned him any kudos apart from appreciation, he was truly selfless with them.. as for me - how can you care for someone and then next second make them some sort of a devil and hindrance to your life without that person being nothing but kind and loving to you?

I was considering a possibility of him being so angry that I shared with his colleagues while trying to reach out to him during his 6 week disappearance and before he called me... he perhaps might have seen it as an act of me wanting to damage his reputation and that was his vengeance?? like he saw me as a bad person and treated me accordingly??

we once were on a walk and his colleague bumped into us riding a bicycle - MM got green in colour and became vomity and shaky as he was like - OMG colleagues will start gossip!! I was like - so what? Who cares? He didn’t know some of them who are my pals already knew by then and were in complete support.... 

so that’s a possibility I suppose? that I screwed it up for myself and my baby trying to reach out to him via his colleagues? the one who didn’t know about us obviously asked questions and I told the truth but by no means I ever wanted to ruin him... 

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[elaine567]

Truth is he didn't care a damn about you apart from what you could give him and what he could get out of you.
What grown mentally stable man acts like a child and denies his potential baby's existence?
Even if he thought you were lying any sensible person would want it confirmed one way or the other.
OK an 18yo might want to put his head in the sand, but this guy is NOT young and naive, he has been married 20 odd years...
Stop making excuses for him.

[pepperbird2]

11 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

aye perhaps I should have. I just thought it would be too low of me. I was hopeful we would be a big enough man to do it himself (as he wanted).

tbh more I look into it more I think he was a coward who had no idea what he wanted - like he had that dream but he also was petrified to leave and the consequences he would have to face. 

he ****ed my head up big time, I’m in a complete mess

OP,

I don't even know this guy and I want to throttle him for the way he's treating you.
He's got you so turned around you're running in circles trying to figure him out, but the truth? He didn't act the way he does because of you, his wife, his kids, his job, "pressure" or anything else. he does it because , at the fundamental core of his being, the way he's treating you and his wife is who he is. You can not trust him. He will always say or do whatever is most advantageous to him.
That is who he is. You can not change that. You could be the most beautiful, kind, loving, sexually talented woman in the world, and it still wouldn't be enough. His behaviour is not about you, it's him.

Think back before you met him. What made you smile? What brought you joy? That women is still inside you, she's just buried by all this turmoil.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

but surely he is not an idiot and would realise what he did

This is what you're not quite getting yet - he knows what he did. He just doesn't really care to accept it. 

So he discards you. 

[BaileyB]

At some point Bianca, you are going to have to accept and make your peace with the fact that the man you admired at work is the same man who lied to you, dumped you, and insulted you so cruelly. They are one in the same. 

You also need to decide for yourself that you are not going to determine your worth and value based on the opinion of this man. Those words are likely not his true assessment of you. But he needed to end the relationship and he struck out at you in a way that he knew would hurt and get you to walk away. That’s on him. But at this point, you are giving him the ability to hurt you. You have taken in those words and you are allowing them to define who YOU think you are as a person. And that, is a darn shame. He doesn’t need to say the words anymore, you do it for him now. Stop that. If you can understand that his intention was to wound, it will help you to dismiss those words as those of a scorn and vengeful man. YOU know the truth about you - think back to the person you were before you got involved with this man and try to find her again.  

 

Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is what you're not quite getting yet - he knows what he did. He just doesn't really care to accept it. 

So he discards you. 

No, he doesn’t want to be the man who cheated on his wife and got the other woman pregnant. He may not even want to be the man who lied and mislead you, such that you are left hurt and pregnant with his child. THAT is not a good guy, so in a very conflict avoidant way he has simply pushed you away and he is now trying to deny your very existence.

He is attempting to live in denial in much the same way that you are attempting to live in denial, clinging to the man that you thought he was - the man who was admired at work, a friend to all, the man who whispered all those sweet words to you and made all those wonderful promises…

[PhoenixRising8]

11 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

yes, he any time he would give me he would - he would drive for 20 miles in the rain just to give me a hug, he would go outside his house on the street in the dark when its storming outside to give me a call making sure I’m not feeling sad.... his wife’s family organised some spa for his bday for a week and I was with my family at the time - he would not stop messaging me from 6am until 4am EVERY day - I have no idea how his wife / her family didn’t notice as he was glued to his phone...and as soon as I came back to the city he left his home at 4am ignoring his wife’s calls to come and just spend time with me (not for sex) through the whole city. It’s been lasting for a year.

I could have written this, except mine drove about 45 miles each way.  And when I returned from a 3 week trip abroad he left his house at 2 am just to see me.  While I was away, he messaged and facetimed like every other day, despite the 6 hour time difference. Like you I thought his actions proved his intend for a long term relationship.  Like you, I was so wrong.

[Crazelnut]

Bianca, you have to get the notion that there is good in this man OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Even after everything he did to you and allowed his wife to do to you, you still seem to think that deep down he's not a selfish azzhole. He is, in fact, a Grade A jerk. I cannot believe that you still harbor this little fantasy of telling him about your child and him doing the right, responsible thing. Have you learned nothing since DDay? He is never going to do the right thing. He wouldn't know the right thing if it introduced itself to him and wore a nametag! 

The sooner you accept that YOU made some bad decisions and ignored the obvious, you can move on. You are not star crossed lovers. He isn't just too weak to leave. He never intended this to be a permanent thing. All his angst resulted from his realization that all the seeds of deceit he'd sown were bearing fruit. His back was against the wall, and he was stressed out about it. Period. He wasn't being a sensitive modern man. He was just scared because he knew his lies to you and his lies to his wife were about to blow up.

You have a child coming. Time to move on.  You need to accept the fact that he isn't who you thought he was ... and he certainly isn't who you HOPE he is. You need to realize that you can't believe *anything* to that he told you. You cannot keep expecting him to behave like a decent person -- he isn't a decent person.

Do not be proud of this relationship -- there really is nothing nice or good about carrying on with a MM, especially one as nasty as him (multiple affairs, sex in front of coworkers ... disgusting!). But stop beating yourself up. You made a huge mistake. Learn from it and move forward. Raise your child on your own and Let. Him. Go.

[NYAG]

On 6/14/2021 at 8:29 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Whenever the spouse finds out, the standard answer is "it meant nothing".

The only unclear thing about that statement is if it's just another lie or not.

Well, it's a cowardly response either way. The MM will always hedge his bets depending on how the outcome might change. At the end of the day, he's guarding his own back and will respond respectively depending on who he is defending himself against. Usually the wife has the upper hand with these guys because that's where the complication lies, so what she says, generally, goes. So even if it isn't a lie, he isn't going to want to incur the wife's wrath which is why the AP is ALWAYS expendable.

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Truth is he didn't care a damn about you apart from what you could give him and what he could get out of you.
What grown mentally stable man acts like a child and denies his potential baby's existence?
Even if he thought you were lying any sensible person would want it confirmed one way or the other.
OK an 18yo might want to put his head in the sand, but this guy is NOT young and naive, he has been married 20 odd years...
Stop making excuses for him.

thank you everyone! I wish I found this forum way earlier when that whole thing was carrying on...

and yes - i know I have made a mistake and I never said I was proud of that relationship - I just loved that person, more than I could even imagine...he was my whole world. for me he was the best - the most kind, most handsome, most caring guy ... 

I don’t hold a slightest hope of us ever getting back together - he brought so much pain to me, all these things he did and facilitated his wife to do - they destroyed me as a woman I once thought I was 

what was I before he did it to me? some might say I was same quiet content person, loved my job and loved helping people, alleviate their suffering, was happy and cuddly... 

what do i want? I really want nothing from him - I just want to talk on the phone and tell him - look that’s where things stand, no hard feelings - you now know what’s been happening & we are both responsible - it’s not a one persons journey, it always takes two to tango. so if you will be keen to participate in whatever you have created - do it. if you want to apologise - I will listen. I just thought that every human being has a humane side. I have never met or heard of a person who discards a baby they created out of love (not a one night stand) or (even the person they’ve been so closely involved with) and then just happily carry on with their life like they did nothing...

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

I have never stalked him or his family, I did not try to push myself anywhere. All I want is just a wee conversation so I feel less of a caged animal, I need him to hear what he did... if not for anything else, just for my own piece of mind... yet I don’t know how to do it since he changed his number and I can’t be asking ppl for it, because then i will look like a desperate one. I cut contacts with his colleagues, so they don’t ask me questions I don’t want to answer to

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

.... I’m absolutely pathetic but I’m hoping one day I can tell him about the baby.

So now you do want him to know about the baby.  Make sure his wife knows about the pregnancy too when you let him know.  It can be dangerous for pregnant OW to reveal the pregnancy to a MM  in secret.

[BiancaSW]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So now you do want him to know about the baby.  Make sure his wife knows about the pregnancy too when you let him know.  It can be dangerous for pregnant OW to reveal the pregnancy to a MM  in secret.

aye I always wanted him to know what the truth is.

(I mentioned it in the thread somewhere) - i told it to him when he reappeared after 6 weeks of silence and being off work. When I just found out. Told him I’m 2 months and his wife listened to that. He just said I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you - tbh timing was super wrong for telling, I should have waited when he settled back in his job, when the dust settles and then went and spoke to him in person.

he was off for so long, I was feeling discarded, it also came from a colleague to him (and I asked her not to tell him as wanted to do it myself).... was a complete and utter mess...

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[stillafool]

Yes I remember.  He doesn't want it to be true and doesn't want your baby.  It's dangerous because he doesn't want his wife to find out and there's no telling what one will do to keep their life from blowing sky high.  If you tell him do it through your lawyer.  I know you want to talk to him, be comforted by him still; but sorry it's over and you need to start accepting it and acting like it.  Your thoughts need to be only for that baby now.

[Crazelnut]

57 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

what do i want? I really want nothing from him - I just want to talk on the phone and tell him - look that’s where things stand, no hard feelings - you now know what’s been happening & we are both responsible - it’s not a one persons journey, it always takes two to tango. so if you will be keen to participate in whatever you have created - do it. if you want to apologise - I will listen. I just thought that every human being has a humane side. I have never met or heard of a person who discards a baby they created out of love (not a one night stand) or (even the person they’ve been so closely involved with) and then just happily carry on with their life like they did nothing...

You will NEVER get that conversation with him. If you are foolish enough to try to talk to him, you will only get more pain! Stop playing silly games in your head. This isn't a romance novel, where the bad guy acknowledges he's been bad. He will crap all over you, and you'll feel worse. He is not humane. He is barely human.

Please just leave it be and move on. It's hard, but you have to accept that he cut himself out of your life. On purpose. Of his own accord. Leave him alone. Let your lawyer inform him & his wife.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Crazelnut

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I just want to talk on the phone and tell him - look that’s where things stand, no hard feelings - you now know what’s been happening & we are both responsible - it’s not a one persons journey, it always takes two to tango. so if you will be keen to participate in whatever you have created - do it. if you want to apologise - I will listen.

There is nothing he could say that would make this different or better. His apology would be very hollow. And - you don’t need this to move on. YOU decide to move on, regardless of whether you get to have this last conversation or get that apology. To be very honest, it is likely only to set you back… so I would move forward. If you have things to say to him, write him a letter. Put them down on paper and get it out. But, I would advise you not to send it. As was said above, you don’t want to poke the bear. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Stop playing silly games in your head. This isn't a romance novel, where the bad guy acknowledges he's been bad.

Exactly. This isn’t going to be a Hollywood ending where you have this heartfelt discussion, he admits that he did wrong, he apologizes to you for hurting you, everyone cries it out and then feels better. That is a fantasy. 

His apology is meaningless, you can’t believe a word this man says to be true. He will either hurt you more, or he will cry on your shoulder and tell you how difficult this has been for him. And, you don’t need that. Any communication you have with the man in the future should be related to the baby and only through your lawyer. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

what do i want? I really want nothing from him - I just want to talk on the phone and tell him - look that’s where things stand, no hard feelings - you now know what’s been happening & we are both responsible - it’s not a one persons journey, it always takes two to tango. so if you will be keen to participate in whatever you have created - do it. if you want to apologise - I will listen. I just thought that every human being has a humane side. I have never met or heard of a person who discards a baby they created out of love (not a one night stand) or (even the person they’ve been so closely involved with) and then just happily carry on with their life like they did nothing...

 

Believe it or not it happens every day.  Why do you think there are so many single mothers?  You just want to talk to him to see if you can find a glimmer of hope that he was in love with you and still cares about you.   His actions should give you the answer to those questions.  I know rejection hurts and your ego has taken a beating but thinking you can talk this out with him and come to an amicable agreement on anything that isn't legally documented is ludicrous at this point.