**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

All I want is just a wee conversation so I feel less of a caged animal, I need him to hear what he did... if not for anything else, just for my own piece of mind...

He knows what he did Bianca. Don’t think for a minute that he doesn’t know what he did. 
Still, knowing what he did, feeling empathy for you, and accepting responsibility for his decisions are very, very different things. 

You have this fantasy that you will have a “wee conversation” with the man and he will suddenly develop empathy and take responsibility for his decisions/actions - that is unlikely. It is magical thinking. If he hasn’t demonstrated it yet, it’s not going to happen.

Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

aye, but surely he is not an idiot and would realise what he did. He is not a child but I grown up man, who contributed to things... I am so real as well, and so is my life....surely he cannot he so delisional? and his wife to blame everything on me?? like I’m the one who “made her husband to shag me against his wish”!!! argh... I obviously tried to keep this an anonymous as possible so the topic is never found and read, but I so wish both of them could read it and see what the truth is!!

Stop blaming his wife.  She is only responding to what HE has told her.  All the blame falls squarely in his lap.  He knows what the truth is and doing everything possible to make sure his wife doesn't find out the truth.  Stop wanting him to care about you when he's shown you he doesn't.

[BiancaSW]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Stop blaming his wife.  She is only responding to what HE has told her.  All the blame falls squarely in his lap.  He knows what the truth is and doing everything possible to make sure his wife doesn't find out the truth.  Stop wanting him to care about you when he's shown you he doesn't.

I’m not blaming anything on her - she had a choice whether to harass me or not - and chose to do it. If she wanted the truth - she could have called me in a civil way and asked me what’s been happening. And also he told her some ridiculous s*** - who in their right mind would believe that a strong middle-aged man could be forced by a tiny girl 10 yrs younger into some sort of manipulatory sexual arrangement?

i don’t want him to care about me - he f***ed up just as much as I did. He was the one along with me who had consensual unprotected intercourse 3-4 times a week for the whole year. He was the one, who came round and said look if something happens I will not leave ANY child of mine from you or from my wife or from anyone...this is all mature stuff. So naturally I am just as responsible as his is, but what he did he fled the scene like nothing every happened. And all I want is just to have a civil conversation without dragging stuff through court and making it ugly. because - yes, grown up ppl are able to discuss things and communicate!! even if it’s a once-off discussion.

btw, when the online harassment started I had police coming to my place and first thing they advised - try to find a way and resolve it in person, they said ppl should be able to communicate first before going down the legal route and same the lawyer said.

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

Even for two big muscular policemen it was shocking he cut off the connection and fled the scene leaving me on my own - they said Surely, there should be a way to communicate!

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

Even for two big muscular policemen it was shocking he cut off the connection and fled the scene leaving me on my own - they said Surely, there should be a way to communicate!

Bianca, he doesn't want to communicate. 

 

[BiancaSW]

and yes, I feel stupid and disgusting and embarrassed by even being in this situation and even considering that that’s ME who wants to discuss, not HIM.... I have really hit the rock bottom...I hate what he did to me and I hate myself for being an idiot.

[BiancaSW]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Bianca, he doesn't want to communicate. 

 

aye, I know that,, but in grown up world ppl don’t always do what they want, they also should do what’s right 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

he fled the scene like nothing every happened.

Most MM do exactly this.

12 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

all I want is just to have a civil conversation without dragging stuff through court and making it ugly.

It is ugly though. You had an affair with a MM and you got pregnant with his child.

He doesn’t want to talk with you at this point. He has made his decision and you need to respect that. Nothing either of you could say to each other will make things different or better. And with respect to his wife, not many wives will have the ability to sit down with you and have a rational and mature conversation.

Your expectations are unreasonable here Bianca. You chose to engage in an extramarital affair with a man who lacks morals, integrity, and character. It’s not reasonable to expect this man to behave with morality, integrity, and accountability. He has done what all married men do - he has run home to his wife with his tail between his legs in an attempt to protect his own behind and avoid conflict with you. You want him to have a mature and responsible conversation with you - that would be like expecting to have a mature and respectful conversation with a child. It is an exercise in futility. 

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

who in their right mind would believe that a strong middle-aged man could be forced by a tiny girl 10 yrs younger into some sort of manipulatory sexual arrangement?

Stop describing yourself as a victim Bianca you knew what was happening.  10 year age difference is not a big deal when you are a grown, professional woman and your size has nothing to do with it.  Petite girls get screwed around just like everybody else.  You are not a child but a grown woman.  BTW women do manipulate men all the time for various reasons so stop the victimhood.  If you want to talk to him do it with his wife so she also knows where you stand.

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I’m not blaming anything on her - she had a choice whether to harass me or not

She probably thinks that you had a choice whether to get involved with her husband or not and chosed to do it so she figures you'll get what you deserve.

[BiancaSW]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Stop describing yourself as a victim Bianca you knew what was happening.  10 year age difference is not a big deal when you are a grown, professional woman and your size has nothing to do with it.  Petite girls get screwed around just like everybody else.  You are not a child but a grown woman.  BTW women do manipulate men all the time for various reasons so stop the victimhood.  If you want to talk to him do it with his wife so she also knows where you stand.

where did I ever say I am a victim? It was a consensual relationship!

i did not manipulate him into anything - I have posted some of his messages earlier in the thread. he wanted it (or so he was saying just as much as I did). No one forced anyone into anything. we started to go out on a condition that we have feelings for each other and yep, he wanted to build something just as much as I did.we both wanted, we both f**** up

why on earth would I say anything to his wife? she wasn’t the one building a rshio with me and having sex with me. he said he is a grown man capable of making his own decisions and is not his wife’s property.

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I feel stupid and disgusting and embarrassed by even being in this situation and even considering that that’s ME who wants to discuss, not HIM.... I have really hit the rock bottom...I hate what he did to me and I hate myself for being an idiot.

Enough with the self loathing. You made the decision to become involved with a married man and have unprotected sex - just own that. You trusted unwisely and that was a mistake - but, it’s not like you will not recover from this mistake. There are so many other women on this site who have stood in your shoes. The only shame here would be if you failed to learn the lesson here. And the lesson is not to trust so blindly in the future, to find within yourself your own worth (do not rely on a man to determine you worth and value as a person), and now - forgiveness and self love. 

I get the sense that you want to have this “wee conversation” with the man because if he apologizes and accepts responsibility, it will take some of the shame and burden from you. If he is the good and kind person that you thought he was, it will mean that you didn’t make a mistake to get involved with him. You are looking to him for comfort and absolution. But - he can’t provide that for you. We can’t provide that for you. Only you can do that for yourself. And for your child.

 

 

[BiancaSW]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She probably thinks that you had a choice whether to get involved with her husband or not and chosed to do it so she figures you'll get what you deserve.

and equally her husband had a choice for the whole year. it takes two. but he victimised himself instead of standing up for what is true.

Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

why on earth would I say anything to his wife? she wasn’t the one building a rshio with me and having sex with me

Because the affair is over and there is a baby coming.  If you want the baby to affect his life it's going to affect hers as well.  They are a couple.  

 

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I get the sense that you want to have this “wee conversation” with the man because if he apologizes and accepts responsibility, it will take some of the shame and burden from you. If he is the good and kind person that you thought he was, it will mean that you didn’t make a mistake to get involved with him. You are looking to him for comfort and absolution. But - he can’t provide that for you. We can’t provide that for you. Only you can do that for yourself. And for your child.

I will go further than this and say Bianca still wants him and wants to hear he still cares and wants her.  This is why you want a private conversation with him.  She still hasn't accepted that whatever they had is over and the only thing left to talk about is child support and visitation rights.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

where did I ever say I am a victim?

It is implied every time you talk about the age difference and the fact that you are a “tiny girl.”

You see him as the mature, grown up, respectable and responsible man who swept you up into his arms - you wanted him to carry you away. You may be more senior to him at work, but everything else you write says that you gave him all the power in the relationship. You trusted him to protect you and the fact that he hasn’t is difficult for you to accept. 

The thing is, you knowingly made the decision to get involved with a married man and have unprotected sex. You were less a victim than a volunteer. Part of you can acknowledge that, and accepts responsibility for that decision. Part of you is still really struggling…

Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I will go further than this and say Bianca still wants him and wants to hear he still cares and wants her.  This is why you want a private conversation with him.  She still hasn't accepted that whatever they had is over and the only thing left to talk about is child support and visitation rights.

Agreed! I sense that she still believes he only says those mean words and is staying away ONLY because his mean, bad wife is making him. 

 

I get the impression that Bianca is a little inexperienced in relationships/people and is putting a lot of stock into the wrong things. She has mentioned physical size not only about herself but in the police officers as well. As if that size determines the amount of mental/emotional maturity. 

 

OP, I do not mean to offend or insult; it is good that you still have this innocent view of the world. I hate that someone came along and destroyed it/in the process of destroying it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

aye, I know that,, but in grown up world ppl don’t always do what they want, they also should do what’s right 

Should is the operative word. Should does not mean will. 

And this man has never done what's right (as evidenced by the fact that he had an affair to begin with) so I don't get why you think he would start now, with you. 

[BiancaSW]

thank you everyone for your honest views and responses, it’s not really about who is a victim and who is not, it’s not that binary at all - I was just saying that I was always honest with him at all times - from the very start and he knew where I stand and what I want / what I don’t, that’s all. Seems like he wasn’t honest to me tho, which is a shame - because if he said from the start what he wants / doesn’t want this rship would not possibly happen. It’s not hard for a grown up man to say I will never leave my family darling, but I like you and wanna have fun. And yes, we can talk about moral / immoral side of things - I am well aware of that. 

One of my friends had an affair with a married man with 3 kids, who stated from the start he never leaves his family and he gets on well with his wife. She got pregnant with a baby girl and told him. He said he is responsible for that - so he will support her along the way financially and morally, but asked to keep it quiet. She did not want the child because she already had a son and terminated. So yeah, may be I expected that MM I’ve been with to at least leave me some way of communication. It’s not about being / not being back - it’s about able to be humans. May be I expected too much from a person, who cannot deliver - but if i could not trust him - how would I trust anyone. He made a specific emphasis on him making an honest decision and speaking honestly to his wife, and if I can trust him on everything - then we can build a rship...that’s all.

 

[stillafool]

Well we've spend 15 pages discussing him and what he should and shouldn't have done.  That is pretty clear.  It's time to stop focusing on him and start focusing on your healing, your baby and how you're going to move forward with your pregnancy.   Do you have people in place to help you with your child when it's born, childcare while you work, are you planning to live at the same place once the baby gets here and your plans about your baby's due child support?

Edited June 18, 2021 by stillafool

[Crazelnut]

Well, he obviously wasn't honest with you, and he never will be. So best to just let your lawyer do the talking and stay far, far away from him and his wife.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Crazelnut

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

who in their right mind would believe that a strong middle-aged man could be forced by a tiny girl 10 yrs younger into some sort of manipulatory sexual arrangement?

Tiny girl?

Bianca, why do you infantilize yourself when it comes to this man? This is not the first time you've painted yourself in child-like terms. You mentioned something earlier in this thread about being "small" or "tiny" in his arms or something. 

Was that part of the fantasy dynamic you two had going on? That he was some big, strong protector and you were a helpless, fragile little thing? That's the strong impression I'm getting from some of your posts. It's odd for a grown woman to use language like this to describe herself but it might suggest a lot about why you wanted to cling to this person. 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

May be I expected too much from a person, who cannot deliver - but if i could not trust him - how would I trust anyone

This was one of your first mistakes - trusting a married man who cheats on his wife. 

[BiancaSW]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Tiny girl?

Bianca, why do you infantilize yourself when it comes to this man? This is not the first time you've painted yourself in child-like terms. You mentioned something earlier in this thread about being "small" or "tiny" in his arms or something. 

Was that part of the fantasy dynamic you two had going on? That he was some big, strong protector and you were a helpless, fragile little thing? That's the strong impression I'm getting from some of your posts. It's odd for a grown woman to use language like this to describe herself but it might suggest a lot about why you wanted to cling to this person. 

there is no fantasy dynamics. this is the language he used in his every text for 12 months. he always called me wee and tiny, and I need to be cared after. I am short height-wise. 

[BiancaSW]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was one of your first mistakes - trusting a married man who cheats on his wife. 

I am aware. 

[BiancaSW]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Tiny girl?

Bianca, why do you infantilize yourself when it comes to this man? This is not the first time you've painted yourself in child-like terms. You mentioned something earlier in this thread about being "small" or "tiny" in his arms or something. 

Was that part of the fantasy dynamic you two had going on? That he was some big, strong protector and you were a helpless, fragile little thing? That's the strong impression I'm getting from some of your posts. It's odd for a grown woman to use language like this to describe herself but it might suggest a lot about why you wanted to cling to this person. 

“You are tiny in my arms. Cute wee lamb.” “Well u are a wee cutie pie in my arms”... etc etc. hope it answers your question, It’s all bollox - but if you read it on a daily basis it engraves in your brain