ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: I offered to part ways and then he divorced, This is your problem. You don't offer. You tell a married a man you will not play second fiddle. You tell a married man you are not interested in seeing him until he has legally and physically separated from his wife and moved out of the marital home. You let this clown call all the shots. Where exactly was your agency in all of this? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 8 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he said previously that reships are not as important to him as his children - he said if he knew there is a child he would take care of child and equally of his other kids. Lies again? He also told you that he loved you and wanted a future with you… As Dr Phil says Bianca, how do you know if this man is lying? His lips are moving… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is your problem. You don't offer. You tell a married a man you will not play second fiddle. You tell a married man you are not interested in seeing him until he has legally and physically separated from his wife and moved out of the marital home. You let this clown call all the shots. Where exactly was your agency in all of this? If you decide you want child support, you have your lawyer contact his lawyer. You are done negotiating with this man. It gets you nowhere because you are far too kind to him. You still expect him to do the right thing - to be honest and moral and responsible. Despite all evidence to the contrary, 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 12 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he was getting angry at me for not trusting him - he said he won’t leave his wife until we sort out our future (finance, houses, what not). I offered to part ways and then he divorced, he asked me to trust him saying he is not a lowlife Who cares if he got angry because you need proof of a divorce. That is when you stand your ground about doing what is right. This excuse doesn't fly. You are making it sound as if you have no control over yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he was getting angry at me for not trusting him - he said he won’t leave his wife until we sort out our future (finance, houses, what not). I offered to part ways and then he divorced, he asked me to trust him saying he is not a lowlife For good reason, don’t you think. Why would you trust a man who you know to be dishonest and trustworthy (based on the fact that he is lying and cheating on his wife). That’s like a man who you know has committed multiple robberies telling you - “Trust me with your money. I’m not a lowlife. I’ll hold your money until we figure out what to do with it.” Um, no. I know you have committed multiple robberies. I know you are not to be trusted. I’m not about to hand over my valuable money to you - based on everything I know about your past behavior, I don’t trust you! And I don’t care if that makes you angry - you are not going to manipulate me into making a poor decision! Edited June 17, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 13 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he said previously that reships are not as important to him as his children - he said if he knew there is a child he would take care of child and equally of his other kids. Lies again? Obviously he was talking about the children he had with his wife. He thought that statement would make him look like a good man who put his kids first. He never imagined you would get pregnant and have a child. You are correct that it was all lies. This was why you should have demanded divorce papers before getting involved in the first place. There is no guarantee that after the baby is born they may decide that they will welcome the child into the family and ask for visitation. Then you will have to decide whether you will prevent this child from seeing it's father or protecting your heart and stopping it. Hard decision. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: He as well has the right to petition for visitation but it's doubtful he or his wife/family want anything to do with you or this child. And, how will that make this child feel to know it's father wants nothing to do wth it. So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 6 minutes ago, stillafool said: And, how will that make this child feel to know it's father wants nothing to do wth it. So sad. I think the worse option is that he and his wife get visitation and they treat the child the same way that they have treated his/her mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I think the worse option is that he and his wife get visitation and they treat the child the same way that they have treated his/her mother. Yeah either way the child gets the worse end of the deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: Yeah either way the child gets the worse end of the deal. Not that I want to be a pessimist. It’s just a hard situation. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 I think the worst that could happen is that the lovely married couple stake a claim on the child, and then try to get rid of you by claiming you are an unfit parent .. I would not do too much poking of the bear. Keep quiet and keep below the parapet. Be careful here. i do not know the extent of your disability, but if you think she could use it against you, she will. So make sure you have the support of medical professionals to back up your case. Be ready for her. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 i can’t say what the disability is as it should be anonymous here, but it doesn’t stop me from working and my work schedule is really intense. it requires adjustments but won’t stop me from caring after a child or even multiple children. MMs wife can’t even look after her own kids (according to MM and ppl who know them) - so I doubt she would want to be involved with the child from someone else. yes, I was expecting this man to be decent and responsible, as what I saw at work - he was one of the most caring ppl I ever came across. That’s why it’s so hard to digest he might have a different side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Obviously he was talking about the children he had with his wife. He thought that statement would make him look like a good man who put his kids first. He never imagined you would get pregnant and have a child. You are correct that it was all lies. This was why you should have demanded divorce papers before getting involved in the first place. There is no guarantee that after the baby is born they may decide that they will welcome the child into the family and ask for visitation. Then you will have to decide whether you will prevent this child from seeing it's father or protecting your heart and stopping it. Hard decision. no he was talking about if I am pregnant. says my child would be as important. meh, lies lies lies... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: MMs wife can’t even look after her own kids (according to MM and ppl who know them) - so I doubt she would want to be involved with the child from someone else. You really need to let this go. This is hearsay and you clearly have a confirmation bias. Even if it is true, whether she does or does not parent her children should not matter to you. Her life, her marriage, her children - none of your business. Also - don’t underestimate the power of a woman scorned. Have you not learned that lesson yet? She may well decide to go after you and your child for no other reason than she despises your very existence. That has nothing to do with wanting to be involved in the child’s life - it is possible that she would have other motives. Edited June 17, 2021 by BaileyB 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 6 minutes ago, BaileyB said: You really need to let this go. This is hearsay and you clearly have a confirmation bias. Even if it is true, whether she does or does not parent her children should not matter to you. Her life, her marriage, her children - none of your business. Also - don’t underestimate the power of a woman scorned. Have you not learned that lesson yet? She may well decide to go after you and your child for no other reason than she despises your very existence. That has nothing to do with wanting to be involved in the child’s life - it is possible that she would have other motives. you might be right, but I feel - on the contrary - she would probably do anything in her power to try and prevent him from seeing the child. I really could not be bothered less about her business, I never asked him about her when we were going out. that’s just what he chose to tell me. everyone who says how I trusted him blindly - I don’t honestly know. I guess it’s completely different when you are caught up in the moment and you speak and see the person in real time. I was convinced he is 100% the most caring person ever, who just fell for me and is lost and scared. and until very recently I was convinced that’s what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he was one of the most caring ppl I ever came across. That’s why it’s so hard to digest he might have a different side. Might? The fact that he cheated with you (and others) should have been your first clue that he is not caring in the least. You really worked hard to avoid seeing reality here. Edited June 17, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 25 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: everyone who says how I trusted him blindly - I don’t honestly know. Respectfully, there were BIG warning signs that you missed - like the fact that he is married and that he has had other affairs. If that isn’t rotating blindly, I don’t know what is… 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 31 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: I feel - on the contrary - she would probably do anything in her power to try and prevent him from seeing the child. Possibly. Obviously nobody knows how she will respond… What do we know about this woman - she is unpredictable and she is vengeful. She does not respect boundaries and you can not rely on your child’s father to stand up to her because he has yet to demonstrate that he is able to do that. So while it would be wonderful if she decided to ignore you and your baby, you also need to prepare for all possibilities. As Elaine said above - be ready for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Respectfully, there were BIG warning signs that you missed - like the fact that he is married and that he has had other affairs. If that isn’t rotating blindly, I don’t know what is… yes Bailey, in retrospect I can definitely see it.., but at the time - it was hard, he said it’s hard for him to break his marriage without getting to know me well, so he needed to know for sure he has a secure rship with a person who won’t let him down...I perhaps should not have went along, but I did and yeah - my own fault. I was crazy about him - he was messaging first thing in the morning every morning saying he is missing me, how much he is obsessed with me, that I am a wee tiny thing in his arms and I felt so so safe knowing someone I love so much loves me back, we were finishing each other’s phrases and sentences, he would come just for a hug before and after work when our shifts didn’t align and whenever I wud finish early I would rush to where he is just to cuddle him and and kiss his hair, I knew it was hard for him to perform a final action with children involved so I decided I will give him time he requires to sort his affairs out.... I was blind, I was stupid, I ignored the obvious... I just knew I cudnt live a day without him and he stated he felt same way. had it been all about sex - that wudnt be so painful, it was not about that at all.... I’m hurting like hell. it’s so unbelievably s***. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 Trouble is, she may know she can't stop her husband having access to his child but she will not want you around. Having cosy chats with him about the baby. Allowing him visitation rights. Costing him money in child support. She will want to get rid of you, out of her and her husband's life. You bring nothing to the party as far as she is concerned, you are trouble with a capital T. If they can take the baby and exclude you altogether, she may feel it is worth it. Even if she has no hope of doing that, causing you anguish fighting her, may be all part of the game. You made an enemy here. You apparently walked blindly into this. Did you never think his alleged harridan of a wife would not be best pleased with the woman who attempted to steal her husband away? Revenge sounds like it was a given and totally expected. It appears you sleep walked into this whole ridiculous situation. This could blight your life for years and years and years... Do not sleep walk into anything else. Be aware, eyes and ears open and assume nothing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Possibly. Obviously nobody knows how she will respond… What do we know about this woman - she is unpredictable and she is vengeful. She does not respect boundaries and you can not rely on your child’s father to stand up to her because he has yet to demonstrate that he is able to do that. So while it would be wonderful if she decided to ignore you and your baby, you also need to prepare for all possibilities. As Elaine said above - be ready for her. she can’t really do anything to me, as warning letter clearly stated - she can’t contact me directly or via third parties or do anything that will bring me distress, otherwise she will sadly be charged. considering the nature of her work criminal charge will mean she will lose it (that’s why I havent proceeded with any formal charges). I wish there was no need for the letter either, wish we cud just talk - she would went out and forget about me. i actually have a feeling they moved on, posting happy pictures together and stuff. the probably forgot about me altogether - both her and him. looks like I was an insignificant element in his life and she stated I am a trash who needs to crawl back into the cave and I am completely unimportant in their lives for them to think of me (or something along these lines). I don’t think either of them gives a **** abt me or my baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) I also met with a colleague of mine yesterday, who worked with MM last year (she is also doing same work as I do). And she mentioned sumthin I haven’t thought about before - that for him going out with me was some sort of ego-boost due the nature of my job. because he would not think ever getting together with someone senior. she said he used me to elevate his self-esteem... I don’t if that’s true - quite sickening tbh... Edited June 17, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 15 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he said it’s hard for him to break his marriage without getting to know me well, so he needed to know for sure he has a secure rship with a person who won’t let him down... Bianca, do you appreciate now that this is not how healthy relationships start. He gets to “try you on” and you say - No worries. You just take your time and let me know what you decide. What about what you want? What of this is fair to you? Here you are, offering yourself up as the best partner you could possibly be and he says… “I’m not sure. I need a little more time to decide.” Do you see how unbalanced this is? 19 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he was messaging first thing in the morning every morning saying he is missing me, how much he is obsessed with me You understand now that this kind of love bombing is very typical in affairs. It speaks less to how much he loves you than it shows he is a manipulative partner and you were far too trusting. When a man comes on strong like this, that’s a HUGE red flag. Particularly if he is married. It’s your cue to stand back and say - slow this down. We need some boundaries here. What is his agenda? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: for him going out with me was some sort of ego-boost due the nature of my job. because he would not think ever getting together with someone senior. she said he used me to elevate his self-esteem... It’s an ego boost for him, regardless of your job. The simple fact that a woman has devoted herself to him - you adored him, you had sex with him, you were waiting to walk off into the sunset with him - to a lot of men, those feelings of power and validation are just as reinforcing as the sex. Edited June 17, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 What was your love like before this weasel showed up? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts