Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: No, knowing about the baby would mean he'd have to do something, support you in some way and have you expecting him to leave his wife for you. That he wasn't going to do. aye, although a month before that what he learnt I wud not terminate he said I’m keen to support our baby and would sit across my wife and tell her I am leaving and she won’t be happy and the divorce gonna be ugly, but I will do because I need you Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: yes, you are right. don’t know how someone so wonderful working with people and caring for them in such a great way can have these colours to him. he would always stood up for his team, for the ones he cared.... and I adored him for that. I was proud to be his. that’s like not even him. I don’t know. came as a big shock to me Stop romantizing this man. He isn't wonderful at all nor caring as you can see by the way he treated his wife and you. Caring men don't cheat on their wives and get another woman pregnant nor do they have several affairs. He cares for himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 minute ago, BiancaSW said: aye, although a month before that what he learnt I wud not terminate he said I’m keen to support our baby and would sit across my wife and tell her I am leaving and she won’t be happy and the divorce gonna be ugly, but I will do because I need you Oh what a smooth talker. Hope his tongue sets on fire. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 minute ago, stillafool said: No you were between them. Maybe you should have told her then you would have found out who he was sooner. aye perhaps I should have. I just thought it would be too low of me. I was hopeful we would be a big enough man to do it himself (as he wanted). tbh more I look into it more I think he was a coward who had no idea what he wanted - like he had that dream but he also was petrified to leave and the consequences he would have to face. he ****ed my head up big time, I’m in a complete mess Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 minute ago, BiancaSW said: e ****ed my head up big time, I’m in a complete mess You aren't the first woman to go through this with a MM. Read around this forum and you will be shocked at the wool that has been pulled over OWs eyes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 minute ago, stillafool said: You aren't the first woman to go through this with a MM. Read around this forum and you will be shocked at the wool that has been pulled over OWs eyes. I sadly know and heard... but I was hoping he would be different. when I said was getting sick of him not being to make a decision and once when I brought it up he replied smth like that: “You are not listening to me when I say it’s pressure pressure pressure. This is one of hardest decisions in my life, and I don’t know what the hell im doing.....You deserve a lot wee one. I’m not going to make decisions with all this pressure.” Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 3 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: I’m not going to make decisions with all this pressure.” He doesn't want you asking questions or asking for timelines. He wants to feed you pretty thoughts and words and that should be enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) You were thinking this - Quote I knew it was hard for him to perform a final action with children involved so I decided I will give him time he requires to sort his affairs out.... Any reasonable person knows that it takes time to file and settle a divorce, to work out a custody schedule. If I wait just a little longer, it will all work out as planned… And he was thinking this - Quote when I said was getting sick of him not being to make a decision and once when I brought it up he replied smth like that: “You are not listening to me when I say it’s pressure pressure pressure. Pressure. Pressure pressure. I don’t know what the hell I want. I’m not going to upend my life until and unless I know for sure I am secure. Stop pressuring me to make a decision. You are not listening to me… Do you see the difference between what he said and what you heard? Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, BaileyB said: You were thinking this - Any reasonable person knows that it takes time to file and settle a divorce, to work out a custody schedule. If I wait just a little longer, it will all work out as planned… And he was thinking this - Pressure. Pressure pressure. I don’t know what the hell I want. I’m not going to upend my life until and unless I know for sure I am secure. Stop pressuring me to make a decision. You are not listening to me… Do you see the difference between what he said and what you heard? was I too pushy and needy? He was telling me for this whole year that he needs to know if we can be something and continue relationship... Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 minute ago, BiancaSW said: was I too pushy and needy? Are you serious? I too am curious to know if you’ve had other relationships because had you experienced another healthy relationship, you would have a frame of reference to know that you were not being too pushy/needy. The fatal flaw here was that what you were asking for, he could not give you. It’s like going to a homeless man and asking for money. Or, going to the grocery store and asking them to fix your car. It’s just not possible… In much the same way that you can’t ask a married man to offer you a future. It’s not his to give. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: was I too pushy and needy? He was telling me for this whole year that he needs to know if we can be something and continue relationship... He was indulging in fantasy. No matter how you acted, he was never going to leave his wife and family. Edited June 18, 2021 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 20 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: He was telling me for this whole year that he needs to know if we can be something and continue relationship... Why did you allow this? If you were dating a single man and he told you for a whole year that he wasn’t sure that you were the one - would you stay with that man? Would you invest in the relationship, believing that there was a future with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Are you serious? I too am curious to know if you’ve had other relationships because had you experienced another healthy relationship, you would have a frame of reference to know that you were not being too pushy/needy. The fatal flaw here was that what you were asking for, he could not give you. It’s like going to a homeless man and asking for money. Or, going to the grocery store and asking them to fix your car. It’s just not possible… In much the same way that you can’t ask a married man to offer you a future. It’s not his to give. yes I answered this question above - I was in two very long-term relationships, both ended on very amicable terms where we managed to stay friends with both partners. I had a short one as well and we are best pals. I just never experienced anything like that before - May be different people.....may be people of different calibre... i only went by what he offered me, I knew no one would live thinking abt and talking to someone 24/7 if they have no feelings for that person. and if I could not trust him at all - whom was I to trust. he said his brother went through the same thing and it was hard - broke up with his wife for girlfriend and tried to get a custody of their child an dit was a nightmare, but brothers GF was a rock for him and he asked I can be the same Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 Just now, BiancaSW said: yes I answered this question above - I was in two very long-term relationships, both ended on very amicable terms where we managed to stay friends with both partners. I had a short one as well and we are best pals. I just never experienced anything like that before - May be different people.....may be people of different calibre... So sorry, I missed your previous answer. Maybe people with character and integrity. Don’t underestimate the difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Why did you allow this? If you were dating a single man and he told you for a whole year that he wasn’t sure that you were the one - would you stay with that man? Would you invest in the relationship, believing that there was a future with him? no but I knew it wasn’t a single man situation, it was someone ready (or I thought so based on what he said) to sacrifice 20 years of established life for me, so naturally I thought I had to be patient and trust him. he said never ever in 20 years he would have thought he could develop feelings like he had for me and never he thought he could be with anyone but his wife, but then he met that one special person in my face. and he had tears in his eyes saying that... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 1 minute ago, BiancaSW said: it was someone ready (or I thought so based on what he said) to sacrifice 20 years of established life for me Aside from his words, which we now know to be meaningless, did he do anything to give you any indication that he was ready to sacrifice 20 years of established family life to start a new relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 He probably did feel that way at the time: it is easy to get caught up in the rush of hormones when with a new partner. But in the end, his love for his family turned out to be more enduring. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: he said never ever in 20 years he would have thought he could develop feelings like he had for me and never he thought he could be with anyone but his wife, but then he met that one special person in my face. and he had tears in his eyes saying that... He also told you, and I paraphrase - That the decision was hard. He wasn’t sure what to do. He needed more time. He needed to feel more secure. He was feeling pressured. He wasn’t prepared to make a decision with all this pressure. What should you believe? You have conflicting messages here, you chose to hear what you want to hear and dismiss what you don’t want to hear. Just like you chose to dismiss the red flags - married man, serial cheater. When his words are conflicting, you believe his actions. He never filed for divorce. That’s all you really need to know. Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Aside from his words, which we now know to be meaningless, did he do anything to give you any indication that he was ready to sacrifice 20 years of established family life to start a new relationship? yes, he any time he would give me he would - he would drive for 20 miles in the rain just to give me a hug, he would go outside his house on the street in the dark when its storming outside to give me a call making sure I’m not feeling sad.... his wife’s family organised some spa for his bday for a week and I was with my family at the time - he would not stop messaging me from 6am until 4am EVERY day - I have no idea how his wife / her family didn’t notice as he was glued to his phone...and as soon as I came back to the city he left his home at 4am ignoring his wife’s calls to come and just spend time with me (not for sex) through the whole city. It’s been lasting for a year.... until his wife found out it sounds mega pathetic I think but we could not be apart at all.... that makes me shocked of how it turned out. because we were complete together... makes me so sad. ”I’ve met a special person babe. And the feelings we have are strong. You know my thot process and that I’m a complex individual. will you be my shoulder to cry on?... I’m so glad you are still wanting to be with me even tho I’ve got baggage. Is that definitely something you could seriously consider?... You mean a lot to me babe and I just need time to figure out what to do. I know you are starting to get pissed off with the predicament we are in....” Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 2 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: yes, he any time he would give me he would - he would drive for 20 miles in the rain just to give me a hug, he would go outside his house on the street in the dark when its storming outside to give me a call making sure I’m not feeling sad.... his wife’s family organised some spa for his bday for a week and I was with my family at the time - he would not stop messaging me from 6am until 4am EVERY day - I have no idea how his wife / her family didn’t notice as he was glued to his phone...and as soon as I came back to the city he left his home at 4am ignoring his wife’s calls to come and just spend time with me (not for sex) through the whole city. It’s been lasting for a year.... until his wife found out Respectfully, while those are lovely things that made you feel special and loved - they in no way indicate that he is prepared to file for divorce, anger his wife, lose full custody of his children, divide half his assets, move out of his family home, lose relationships with friends and possibly family… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Respectfully, while those are lovely things that made you feel special and loved - they in no way indicate that he is prepared to file for divorce, anger his wife, lose full custody of his children, divide half his assets, move out of his family home, lose relationships with friends and possibly family… sadly that’s true I see now, the texts from him I quoted above - that was lasting for a year, till he sat me down one day and asked how he wants me to divide his house and if I take him with practically no money on his account.. I think things were getting serious then. he lost an awful lot of weight, he just stopped eating and we kept discussing our future... he kept asking what my family thinks and whether he will be accepted. I then had to have serious talk with my family... why why why.... Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) I’m so sorry Bianca. I understand why you believed what you did, how could you not when the man is saying the words and losing weight… That said, the red flags are waving in the wind. That is not the behavior or an emotionally healthy man. My partner was signing divorce papers when he met me. He didn’t ask to cry on my shoulder, he didn’t ask me to take on his baggage, he didn’t ask me to help care for his child, and he didn’t ask me to financially support him. Had he done so, I would have left. Ultimately, he recognized that he was not ready to be a good partner to me because he had some things to sort in his life (ie. he had to let go of the anger he felt toward his ex wife, he needed to find a way to coparent with her, he needed to get his child settled into a new routine, and he needed to get his finances in order). He respected me enough not to dump his issues at my doorstep. And, he was strong enough to do what was required to get his house in order. I see none of that here. Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 38 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I’m so sorry Bianca. I understand why you believed what you did, how could you not when the man is saying the words and losing weight… That said, the red flags are waving in the wind. That is not the behavior or an emotionally healthy man. My partner was signing divorce papers when he met me. He didn’t ask to cry on my shoulder, he didn’t ask me to take on his baggage, he didn’t ask me to help care for his child, and he didn’t ask me to financially support him. Had he done so, I would have left. Ultimately, he recognized that he was not ready to be a good partner to me because he had some things to sort in his life (ie. he had to let go of the anger he felt toward his ex wife, he needed to find a way to coparent with her, he needed to get his child settled into a new routine, and he needed to get his finances in order). He respected me enough not to dump his issues at my doorstep. And, he was strong enough to do what was required to get his house in order. I see none of that here. yes your partner sounds like a stronger, more resilient person and more of a man who does what’s needed and who is able to make up his mind without putting a weight on your shoulders... i thought at the time not everyone is the same tho, and I liked that soft, sensitive side of him, when he was crying I would cry with him - I cared so much, too much... we are both in a very caring profession and I saw how it translated through his personality. how delicate and brilliant he was with others. He always said he doesn’t know how he ever got me (for me it was love at first sight he didn’t know about) and we are different but we fulfil each other - he is very outgoing and energetic and I’m a shy quiet thing. we look alike and we shared birthday on same day just a decade apart...I wish he was like your partner Bailey, stronger and knew what he wanted... this is all so sad - i honestly had tears typing this. Edited June 18, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: i honestly had tears typing this. I’m sorry it didn’t work out differently for you Bianca. I say this, with the absolute belief that this man is not worthy of you and you are definitely better off without this kind of drama in your life. I’m still sorry for your pain and disappointment. I hope you will learn from this experience and things will be different next time. Edited June 18, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: I’m sorry it didn’t work out differently for you Bianca. I say this, with the absolute belief that this man is not worthy of you and you are definitely better off without this kind of drama in your life. I’m still sorry for your pain and disappointment. I hope you will learn from this experience and things will be different next time. I know, thank you very much.... I’m absolutely pathetic but I’m hoping one day I can tell him about the baby. I know he prolly doesn’t care and he forgot who I am, I just really want him to know...I always believed he had good in him, how he treated me was disgusting, but he can’t be completely heartless - I don’t want to think that, not what I saw in real life... Link to post Share on other sites
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