stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 17 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: not a good look for a Teacher? I'm sorry perhaps I have you confused with another. Whatever your profession it's not a good look to date the married guy who reports to you. Some companies don't even allow it married or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 26 minutes ago, BaileyB said: True friends would warn you to stay away from the married man who cheated on his wife in public after a work party… I'm now starting to wonder if these people even like you Bianca. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 18, 2021 Author Share Posted June 18, 2021 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: I'm sorry perhaps I have you confused with another. Whatever your profession it's not a good look to date the married guy who reports to you. Some companies don't even allow it married or not. ah no, he wasn’t reporting to me. nothing like that. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 54 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: Views on starting something with someone already married will vary widely - some will be more supportive or at least accepting of this kind of thing than others. So, they are still your friends IMO, they are just more tolerant of this sort of thing than some folks might be AND clearly did not understand just how weird and messed up this guy is. They probably thought (from the outside and not knowing how he is as a partner) that you'd be good together and also felt he should probably get away from his wife. Looking back + with everything you have written I think he will be a mess no matter whom he is with. Edited June 18, 2021 by mark clemson Quote was not necessary 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, BiancaSW said: “Well I hope you are sleeping my wee tiny lamb. I’d love to be standing at the bottom of your bed watching you sleep. (Hope that doesn’t sound creepy). Heh, well, you can hope LOL... Edited June 18, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, mark clemson said: 2 hours ago, mark clemson said: Views on starting something with someone already married will vary widely - some will be more supportive or at least accepting of this kind of thing than others. So, they are still your friends IMO, they are just more tolerant of this sort of thing than some folks might be AND clearly did not understand just how weird and messed up this guy is. They probably thought (from the outside and not knowing how he is as a partner) that you'd be good together and also felt he should probably get away from his wife. Looking back + with everything you have written I think he will be a mess no matter whom he is with. yes! There are as many opinions as there are people expressing them! these ppl who knew about it and were supportive - they knew for ages but never disclosed it or gossiped abt it. most of them expressed that he surely will get bk to me to check if baby talk is true. But then as Bailey said above - perhaps they did not know his true persona, and at the end of the day - what does it really matter in the light of current circumstances 😖 Edited June 19, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, mark clemson said: Heh, well, you can hope LOL... I’m very fascinated why people here found his msgs creepy? I thought they are pretty sweet - we would wake up with one of us texting and go to bed late at night after talking for a couple of hrs. perhaps for him it was just a fun on the side - may be bored with family life...🤷♀️ but we talked 24/7 - and called each other every day. and if I wouldnt reply to him for half an hour or so he would start worrying and txt me till I reply. and I was the same - got attached a lot I guess. dumb and dumber - that’s what it was. Edited June 19, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Do you have people in place to help you with the baby once it's born and someone to babysit while you work? I know it's early but never too soon to plan for the "wee one" (who is actually the only wee one). Sorry but this does sound creepy to me. Almost incestuous. yes, all these issues are sorted, plans in place. not sure why everyone says they are creepy 🤔 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 2 hours ago, mark clemson said: Heh, well, you can hope LOL... also, mark - from a man’s perspective of things - what would you do in this specific situation? just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 31 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: not sure why everyone says they are creepy 🤔 Why do you find it appealing to have a grown man talk to you like a child? A helpless child that needs to be held tight, watched over, and cared for? It is condescending. It is a parent/child dynamic. The “big, strong man” is going to take care of his “tiny girl.” Quote I hope you are sleeping my wee tiny lamb. I’d love to be standing at the bottom of your bed watching you sleep. This is the kind of dialogue that occurs in a romance novel, a Disney movie, or a rom-com. People who are in relationships based on mutual respect and equality don’t speak to each other in this way. Edited June 19, 2021 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 Bianca, have any of your other romantic partners spoken to you in that way? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, BiancaSW said: “You are tiny in my arms. Cute wee lamb.” “Well u are a wee cutie pie in my arms”... etc etc. hope it answers your question, It’s all bollox - but if you read it on a daily basis it engraves in your brain It's silly and demeaning to speak to that way to a grown woman. He treats you like a kid, and you seem to have enjoyed that. When I said it's a fantasy narrative, I didn't mean he wasn't actually saying those things. What I meant is that you and he have woven this affair into a juvenile tale that does not reflect reality. It was fun for play-time but outside in the real world? It falls totally flat and looks absurd. Edited June 19, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 7 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 Agreed. It's patronising. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 I think a lot of "coupley" romantic talk wouldn't do well if placed under scrutiny. The big problem with this guy is not only his rather corny even cringe-worthy pillow talk, it is his desertion of a pregnant woman carrying his baby and his troubling personality and mental state, plus his rather poor relationship with the truth... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I think a lot of "coupley" romantic talk wouldn't do well if placed under scrutiny. The big problem with this guy is not only his rather corny even cringe-worthy pillow talk, it is his desertion of a pregnant woman carrying his baby and his troubling personality and mental state, plus his rather poor relationship with the truth... 8 hours ago, BiancaSW said: yes, all these issues are sorted, plans in place. not sure why everyone says they are creepy 🤔 I’m puzzled and a little bit intrigued -did you set out to get pregnant? If not why would you not take precautions? It makes no sense to me -you knew he was married and as such the relationship was secret why risk it coming out in the open by getting g pregnant ? Edited June 19, 2021 by Snakesalive 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 19 hours ago, BiancaSW said: aye, I know that,, but in grown up world ppl don’t always do what they want, they also should do what’s right I'm sorry OP, but this comment almost made me do a spit take. In a grown up world, people don't participate in a huge act of deception with someone and then wonder why that same person isn't honest with them. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, BiancaSW said: I’m very fascinated why people here found his msgs creepy? I thought they are pretty sweet - we would wake up with one of us texting and go to bed late at night after talking for a couple of hrs. perhaps for him it was just a fun on the side - may be bored with family life...🤷♀️ but we talked 24/7 - and called each other every day. and if I wouldnt reply to him for half an hour or so he would start worrying and txt me till I reply. and I was the same - got attached a lot I guess. dumb and dumber - that’s what it was. This one isn't too complicated. As @elaine567 noted, "coupley" romantic talk wouldn't do well if placed under scrutiny". There is also a related parallel - if you like someone, even the cheesiest pick-up lines would be sweet. When you don't like someone, even the sweetest line in the world would come across as creepy (unwanted attention and bias in play). Objectively, there is nothing inherently wrong with his message. It's no better or worse than if a couple's messages are dull and plain and lacking in awkward corniness and pet names (different strokes for different folks). You find it sweet because you saw it as a sign of his affections. Many people find it creepy because people don't 'like' him. A MM who cheated on his wife and takes no responsibility by leaving you in the lurch when a baby will be on the way, so his messages will all come across as "creepy" or "disgusting". I have some thoughts but no real advice for you, except to focus on being well during the pregnancy and taking care of the baby. You have the right to child support, but your best bet would be go through legal channels (for things pertaining to the baby only). Remember what impacts him also affects his wife. Since he's turned his back on you and made his choice to run back to his wife, you have your answer in terms of which relationship he prioritizes. Remember that actions always speak louder than words. There isn't much more to say other than the welfare of the child. Because his wife had harassed you, you might be better off communicating through legal means only. and this too: 1 hour ago, Snakesalive said: I’m puzzled and a little bit intrigued -did you set out to get pregnant? If not why would you not take precautions? It makes no sense to me -you knew he was married and as such the relationship was secret why risk it coming out in the open by getting g pregnant ? Edited June 19, 2021 by spiritedaway2003 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 the messages - I saw them as sweet and affectionate, i did not think of them as patronising - I sent him similar ones, I just thought we care about each other. I was getting wee butterflies in my tummy reading them and he said he was the same - getting a sweet msg from me or me hugging him. “Yeah. I felt rubbish leaving you today. Got in the car and wanted to scream”, “I was thinking about you today when I fell back asleep, being close to you is amazing, was just thinking of cuddling in at your back” .... I felt same way and may be my txts to him were even more creepy, who knows. but it was very much like a Disney fairytale except it fell flat indeed. With all the things I have heard from people - I now feel he did not mean any of that, because there was no action and the outcome was contradicting anything he ever said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Snakesalive said: I’m puzzled and a little bit intrigued -did you set out to get pregnant? If not why would you not take precautions? It makes no sense to me -you knew he was married and as such the relationship was secret why risk it coming out in the open by getting g pregnant ? no, didn’t plan it - I have spoken about it above. Just the way it happened. Neither of us could have thought of it happening - was big shock to me and I guess he still does not believe it - thinks I’m a liar Edited June 19, 2021 by BiancaSW Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 Does your family live close to you Bianca? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 1 hour ago, BiancaSW said: “I was thinking about you today when I fell back asleep, being close to you is amazing, was just thinking of cuddling in at your back” .... This, is not creepy. This is a woman telling a man that she loves him and she misses him. If you said, “My little soldier, I miss your big, strong arms around me as I sleep. You keep the nightmares away which allows me to rest my head and dream of happy days when we could be a family.” That’s creepy. You are weak and submissive and giving him strength and power. It’s based in fantasy not reality. There is a difference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This, is not creepy. This is a woman telling a man that she loves him and she misses him. If you said, “My little soldier, I miss your big, strong arms around me as I sleep. You keep the nightmares away which allows me to rest my head and dream of happy days when we could be a family.” That’s creepy. You are weak and submissive and giving him strength and power. It’s based in fantasy not reality. There is a difference. “I was thinking about you today when I fell back asleep, being close to you isamazing, was just thinking of cuddling in at your back” -> That was him who sent that txt 🙈 Dunno about the soldier - I never said anything like that, I just said I miss him and I want to see him and that he makes me smile. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: “I was thinking about you today when I fell back asleep, being close to you isamazing, was just thinking of cuddling in at your back” -> That was him who sent that txt 🙈 Dunno about the soldier - I never said anything like that, I just said I miss him and I want to see him and that he makes me smile. It was just an example - meant to prove my point about the differences in the texts. FYI, I would send that kind of text to my partner (that I was thinking about him and wished that I could be there with him). That’s why I assumed it was you. He has NEVER sent me a text like that, lol. In fact, he usually complains about how sappy I am when I do. 🤣 Edited June 19, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaSW Posted June 19, 2021 Author Share Posted June 19, 2021 13 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It was just an example - meant to prove my point about the differences in the texts. FYI, I would send that kind of text to my partner (that I was thinking about him and wished that I could be there with him). That’s why I assumed it was you. He has NEVER sent me a text like that, lol. In fact, he usually complains about how sappy I am when I do. 🤣 ahaha I don’t think these are sappy btw! 😸 just nice and loving! if you have feelings for that person - you naturally want to share how you feel! For me it was other way round - I always felt he was more affectionate than me, more sensitive, more attached... meh. That’s an example of him (not me) saying stuff : “I love feeling you on your tip toes to wrap your arms round me. I can imagine doing your washing, hiding and then scaring you by jumping out, you shouting at me with an angry voice...Kissing your belly a lot...Watching you brush your teeth... Reading to one another” - there are millions of texts like that from him. I would respond in similar fashion, I honestly thought we care for one another and we just happened to meet that one special once-in-a-lifetime person... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, BiancaSW said: For me it was other way round - I always felt he was more affectionate than me, more sensitive, more attached... meh. In hindsight, this was a huge red flag. Do you not see - it’s all fantasy. “In our future fantasy relationship, I’m going to do the following…” I texted a lot with my partner when we were apart - we talked about what we were doing, we made plans to see each other…” Neither of us ever said, “When we move in together, I’m looking forward to watching you brush your teeth and I’m going to stand over your bed and watch you sleep.” I would have found this kind of texting from a man concerning. And suffocating. I don’t think you answered my question above - have you ever had a man text you or talk with you this way before? Edited June 19, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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