**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I doubt he even saved my number. He got rid of it like he got rid of me. What what I’ve been told - he forgot abt it and doesn’t even remember my name

Stop wallowing in self pity.
Who forgets the name of someone they have recently been in an affair with and  who  is saying she is pregnant with his baby...???

[BiancaSW]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Stop wallowing in self pity.
Who forgets the name of someone they have recently been in an affair with and  who  is saying she is pregnant with his baby...???

it’s not a self-pity, it’s a fact. I also, thought how can you - now some months passed...erm, he puts up pictures with his wife - smiling and hugging, been told 100% enjoying himself and forgot altogether abt me. that’s what I’ve been told by the common pal. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by BiancaSW

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

it’s not a self-pity, it’s a fact. I also, thought how can you - now some months passed...erm, he puts up pictures with his wife - smiling and hugging, been told 100% enjoying himself and forgot altogether abt me. that’s what I’ve  told by the common pal. 

If he has truly forgotten your name  then he needs to be seen by a physician/neurologist/psychiatrist...
He has just chosen to ignore you for the sake of his marriage.
Likewise the smiley pics, it is all about placating and reassuring his wife, resurrecting his marriage and putting on a brave face to the world.

Edited June 22, 2021 by elaine567

[pepperbird2]

16 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I don’t know what the anchor is. I feel very broken. it was him before he did it to me. 

Op, don't let him do this to you! You could find happiness before him, and you can again.
Before you met him, what gave you joy? What put a smile on your face? Did you have any hobbies, life goals, good friends?
None of that has changed. You are still you. You may be a battered and bruised right now, but the woman that is "you" at the core of your being is still there- but she does need a lot of care and tending to right now. Give yourself that gift.

[pepperbird2]

11 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

My poor little dog has gotten me through so much. 15 years of service and she really has been a great source of comfort and strength. Hope I will have her for at least another year. 

I hope you do too. It's hard to explain the comfort a pet can bring. They never ask for anything in return, they just offer love.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

how can you - now some months passed...erm, he puts up pictures with his wife - smiling and hugging

This is what many men in affairs do when they've been caught, OP. 

I am not sure why you're so shocked by this. 

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

If he has truly forgotten your name  then he needs to be seen by a physician/neurologist/psychiatrist...
He has just chosen to ignore you for the sake of his marriage.
Likewise the smiley pics, it is all about placating and reassuring his wife, resurrecting his marriage and putting on a brave face to the world.

well he doesn’t need to put a brave face - he did not lose anything. he still enjoy his sofa and big TV with football on it, his brother-in-laws company and his kids nearby. and being protected by his wife with whom he liased to escape and punish me. He told her he tried to get rid of me multiple times and I wouldn’t let him go - she also said she saw messages stating that... 

Edited June 22, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is what many men in affairs do when they've been caught, OP. 

I am not sure why you're so shocked by this. 

Pal said he doesn’t give a f*** about me moved on long time ago. viewed me more like a woman who he shagged and she meant nothing, wanted smth from him, made up a pregnancy story and then tried to get back at him for ruining his reputation 🤮

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

Pal said he doesn’t give a f*** about me moved on long time ago. viewed me more like a woman who he shagged and she meant nothing, wanted smth from him, made up a pregnancy story and then tried to get back at him for ruining his reputation 🤮

Why are you talking to these people?  Did they volunteer this information or did you ask them?  You shouldn't talk to them and tell them to stop feeding you information about what he is doing or saying.  Stop talking to them.

[BiancaSW]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why are you talking to these people?  Did they volunteer this information or did you ask them?  You shouldn't talk to them and tell them to stop feeding you information about what he is doing or saying.  Stop talking to them.

that pal is not in contact with him. he just shared his thoughts when I said I am feeling down.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

that pal is not in contact with him. he just shared his thoughts when I said I am feeling down.

Well he certainly doesn't know how to cheer one up when they're down.  Stop talking to him.

[BiancaSW]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well he certainly doesn't know how to cheer one up when they're down.  Stop talking to him.

aye. he said he is always trying to be honest with me.

doesnt excuse what MM said to his wife abt me tho. said he cudnt get rid of me. 🤮😖 

he did try to break up with me couple of weeks before the D-day. I think they were having lots of arguments as she sensed sumthin. He sent me a msg saying we need to walk separate ways. I asked to meet in person. then met me for lunch said he can’t think of leaving in 2 months time, said I put too much pressure on him and he has “scary thoughts”. I didn’t shout or manipulate or anything - we just talked. he then said his head and heart say contrary - that he will lose big chance in his life, which he will never gain back. and he only sent me the text coz of his “scary thoughts at the time” but never meant it.

last time we were arguing on text when his wife read some msgs - i said he is a selfish twat who only thinks about himself. he called and said he will sit across her and tell her the truth about us and she won’t be happy but that’s his decision. I said ok - he then said don’t text me over Xmas coz she will be reading msgs. That set me off and I told him a lot of things I think about him. That I am sick of lying. He said I’m showing my true colours and he doesn’t want to throw 20 yrs of his life on someone like me. Got me angry. I said sorry for all the things I said. 

He then called later on and apologised for being a twat and said he only said this stuff coz he was angry and a coward. and he is grateful I am even giving him an opportunity to speak and be listened to. It was always very bipolar. 😔🙈

Edited June 22, 2021 by BiancaSW

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I doubt he even saved my number. He got rid of it like he got rid of me. What what I’ve been told - he forgot abt it and doesn’t even remember my name

Bianca - you are creating "mental drama" for yourself here (for lack of a better term).

Maybe this is helping you process things right now, but eventually you'll need to stop re-triggering all this stuff. It needs to pass so that you can return to healthy normalcy. That may be "boring" but you will not be able to move on to a full and healthy relationship or care well for your child while you are doing emotional tailspins over this stuff.

As noted above, he's decided to cut bait on you purely because it fits his own purposes. That's all it is and it does not make you "less".

It's easier said than done, but eventually you'll need to get over this. He will almost certainly remember you to the end of his (mentally functioning) days. But guess what - ultimately you SHOULDN'T CARE, much like you don't care too much that the teenage boys you messed around with long ago (and who no doubt seemed so great at the time) probably remember you too.

I think the point you need to get to is a healthy acceptance of the situation and, essentially, indifference to whatever may be going on with them.

Edited June 22, 2021 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I'm getting a  sense in your postings that you're blaming his wife, at least on some level, for his behaviour. I would advise you to put an end to that, full stop. You have no idea what he has put her through, what their home life is like or anything else. He is a fully capable adult, fully capable of making his own choices. It sounds to me like he's a little boy, building an imaginary world, but when push comes to shove, he goes running back to "mommy" ( his wife).

The fact that his is emotionally stunted is shown in the way he acts. His words mean nothing. He's been feeding you one pack of lies ( his wife is a horrible person, she treats him badly, he is miserable) to gain your sympathy and affection. Meanwhile, he's telling his wife you are a horrible person, chasing after him when he has clearly told you "no"-another lie.

Notice how, in both situations, he has managed to completely absolve himself of any responsibility. He's perfectly willing to throw at least two women who love him under the bus ( and who knows how many more have endured the same treatment) and even worse, he's willing to throw his kids and his child-to-be under those same wheels, then back up and run them over and over and over again, all while painting himself as this great dad- a legend in his own mind.

If he can do that to his own flesh and blood children, what chance in hell does any woman have with him? He will ALWAYS come first.

 

Edited June 22, 2021 by pepperbird2

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

last time we were arguing on text when his wife read some msgs

When is the last time you saw or spoke to him?

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When is the last time you saw or spoke to him?

it was on a D-day when he found out his wife knows and was driving to his house for a chat with her. He called me while driving and he was so so nice and sweet and kept apologising. He said he hurt me and he did it coz of the state he was in and he is grateful I picked up the phone to speak to him. 

Then 6 weeks silence.

then my friend / his ex-colleague spoke to him. And he called me same day from unknown number with wife at the background - saying never had feelings, out rship meant nothing and wasn’t even a rship, he doesn’t believe a word I said and he wants nothing to with me and I will be a b**** for going round and telling his colleagues abt is out of spite. And he knows his wife was trying to get to me contacting my work and he can’t control what she does and that’s ok for her to do it.

Edited June 22, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

I'm getting a  sense in your postings that you're blaming his wife, at least on some level, for his behaviour. I would advise you to put an end to that, full stop. You have no idea what he has put her through, what their home life is like or anything else. He is a fully capable adult, fully capable of making his own choices. It sounds to me like he's a little boy, building an imaginary world, but when push comes to shove, he goes running back to "mommy" ( his wife).

The fact that his is emotionally stunted is shown in the way he acts. His words mean nothing. He's been feeding you one pack of lies ( his wife is a horrible person, she treats him badly, he is miserable) to gain your sympathy and affection. Meanwhile, he's telling his wife you are a horrible person, chasing after him when he has clearly told you "no"-another lie.

Notice how, in both situations, he has managed to completely absolve himself of any responsibility. He's perfectly willing to throw at least two women who love him under the bus ( and who knows how many more have endured the same treatment) and even worse, he's willing to throw his kids and his child-to-be under those same wheels, then back up and run them over and over and over again, all while painting himself as this great dad- a legend in his own mind.

If he can do that to his own flesh and blood children, what chance in hell does any woman have with him? He will ALWAYS come first.

 

yeah that’s it. although at this point all i feel is and what’s f***** up my head is all of what he said is true.🤯

this is not a self-pity but conclusions I have made from all that happened: may be he was not lying when he said I was nothing for him, he was trying to break up with me when his family life was at risk and when episodes of risk passed he would always be regretful for being a coward. he never compromised anything for me. I was always at the bottom of the barrel priority-wise. 

It was like he is doing me a favour by being with me and he doesn’t know what he wants and I am a pusher. I hate myself for not dumping him first, I degraded myself and got chucked as a result.

We were taking about Xmas gifts once and I asked him if he is getting one for his wife and why he never asked me what i want. his face went sideways and he was yeah , you are being a b**** - you are digging me to make me angry and get a reaction. he is like you know well enough I can’t spend money from my account as wife will see it and it becomes transparent and I don’t wanna be found out, I wanna be the one who comes clean first. He said - You are always trying to push my buttons and see what’s I respond - I can see your ulterior motives!! I can see your true colours! I was like WHAT?! I never had any ulterior motives toward him. And it wasn’t just an episode - he would do that stuff continuously where I would say something and he would find another meaning to it like I am trying to catch him out. He stated his wife does it to him. Says something and waits for reaction for a long time. I don’t know if he translated same behaviour model onto me, but my brain is massively f****ed.

[BiancaSW]

sorry for all the verbal diarrhoea 

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

We were taking about Xmas gifts once and I asked him if he is getting one for his wife and why he never asked me what i want. his face went sideways and he was yeah , you are being a b**** - you are digging me to make me angry and get a reaction. he is like you know well enough I can’t spend money from my account as wife will see it and it becomes transparent and I don’t wanna be found out, I wanna be the one who comes clean first. He said - You are always trying to push my buttons and see what’s I respond - I can see your ulterior motives!! I can see your true colours! I was like WHAT?! I never had any ulterior motives toward him. And it wasn’t just an episode - he would do that stuff continuously where I would say something and he would find another meaning to it like I am trying to catch him out. He stated his wife does it to him. Says something and waits for reaction for a long time. I don’t know if he translated same behaviour model onto me, but my brain is massively f****ed.

Very classic narcissistic type behavior. This man is definitely not a good man. He is manipulative. 

[PhoenixRising8]

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

he did try to break up with me couple of weeks before the D-day. I think they were having lots of arguments as she sensed sumthin. He sent me a msg saying we need to walk separate ways. I asked to meet in person. then met me for lunch said he can’t think of leaving in 2 months time, said I put too much pressure on him and he has “scary thoughts”. I didn’t shout or manipulate or anything - we just talked. he then said his head and heart say contrary - that he will lose big chance in his life, which he will never gain back. and he only sent me the text coz of his “scary thoughts at the time” but never meant it.

This sounds so familiar. If we weren't on different continents, I'd think it was the same guy lol. I had 3 of those types of encounters, but no Dday.  After the 3rd such occurrence I had enough.  It was hard.  I gave myself a few weeks to wallow in it and life went merrily along for 5 or 6 months until he popped up again.  He made the wrong decision to stay, he walked away from the best thing that ever happened to him, the love of his life blah, blah, blah, blah.  3 months we spoke intermittently and met for coffee a few times because this time he was really leaving.  Surprise, surprise, he did.  We got back together for 6 weeks and I was done.  Turns out, a few weeks before he reached out after that 5-6 month hiatus, he had started another affair. Why did he even bother calling me?  I ended it for good 15 months ago and only now do I see how I helped him do it to me.  Gave the wife and other OW all the info they needed to make informed choices.  Not sure why but the OOW lurked my LinkedIn a few days ago.  I had blocked all of them last year but she made a new profile dropping one of her names.  I can only imagine she stuck it out and has some reason to think of me at this point.  Maybe she stayed with him and things aren't going so well.  I don't care enough to find out.

I understand how you got here.  I couldn't believe he didn't have good intentions.  Hard to leave 20+ years, can't just yet because of this, that or the other.  He seemed so genuine and sincere.  He convinced me he was being thoughtful and deliberate about how he leaves to cause the least amount of pain and disruption.  I said to him numerous times, especially when I had my doubts - you are either sincere or have missed your calling as an academy award winning actor.  He would get so upset and hurt that I didn't have faith in him - another award winning act.  But words are easy.  In the end, his actions really counted and they didn't count for much other than to serve his purposes and cause me anguish.  Know you are so much better off without him.  Focus on that.  This is him, his character, his integrity, his actions.  He is not a good person.  You know this.

[BiancaSW]

34 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Very classic narcissistic type behavior. This man is definitely not a good man. He is manipulative. 

I didn’t even realise that at the time....you reckon it was a calculated thing on his account to say this horrid stuff?

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Not sure why but the OOW lurked my LinkedIn a few days ago.

Probably because he is now cheating on her with another OOOW and she was checking to see if it was you again.  This is what these guys do when OW find out who they are and the lies they tell.   They find another OW who they can appear a hero to and start the fantasy all over again with her.

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I didn’t even realise that at the time....you reckon it was a calculated thing on his account to say this horrid stuff?

I doubt it he's just an ass.  I'm sure in 9 months his curiosity will get the best of him and he'll want to look at his baby.

[BiancaSW]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I doubt it he's just an ass.  I'm sure in 9 months his curiosity will get the best of him and he'll want to look at his baby.

i don’t think so tbh. he wanted to do a lot of things - to build a future with me, for us to fall asleep and wake up together cuddling, proclaimed his feelings for me... looked at me with bright shiny eyes, loved to wear my perfume on his skin throughout the work shift.. he wanted lotsa stuff, but never stepped up the game. I got an impression he gave up on his marriage and now looking for a perfect leaway to escape....practice shows not.

 if his wife is now appeased why would he want to look at the baby - extra inconvenient thing in his otherwise  perfect life 😔

Edited June 22, 2021 by BiancaSW

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

i don’t think so tbh. he wanted to do a lot of things - to build a future with me, for us to fall asleep and wake up together cuddling, proclaimed his feelings for me... looked at me with bright shiny eyes, loved to wear my perfume on his skin throughout the work shift.. he wanted lotsa stuff, but never stepped up the game. if his wife is now appeased why would he want to look at the baby - extra inconvenient thing in his otherwise  perfect life 😔

Yeah but this was all fantasy but the baby is his seed and real.  As usual it's all about him.