**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

he will do anything for his kids, I know that, he is a very good father. as I said above in the thread he said if it wasn’t for the kids things would have been different

Respectfully, that’s what they all say. 

And a good father would not stay in a marriage to be present and provide a stable family life for the children only to then engage in behavior that threatens the very thing for which he says he is sacrificing to preserve. I understand that you are not ready to acknowledge this yet, and that ok. It’s still very true - men who are good fathers do not engage in serial affairs and/or one night stands. 

[BiancaSW]

19 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

some of his colleagues were my friends, two of them my very close friends. I should not have told anyone - but they are decent people, who promised to keep things quiet. when he disappeared I had no idea what’s going on - some were saying he is very sucks and then his wife started to contact my workplace...it was such a mess, I have turned to friends for advice and see if they know something, as I was left alone in this (rightly so) and he had his family there for him. I needed some support. no way I did that to damage his or my reputation. some of them knew we were an item beforehand as they saw us together on occasions, but they always were very protective and supportive and it never got out anywhere.  

I know it was a s*** thing of me to do to turn to people who know him for support, I didn’t know any better, and I regret it now. was in a completely messy mindset - lost and frustrated and scared. no wonder he was so angry at me, perhaps that’s why he said he wants nothing to do with someone like me. it would make me angry too if I was him. 

**he is very sick not sucks

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

@pepperbird2 if you read all the above, he's apparently done this before and been reconciled. Apparently, so long as he turns on the OW (and let's wifey abuse her emotionally a bit) he is taken back. She probably likes having her status as a MW, her family such as it is, and her meek and conflict-avoidant husband who will put up with her. He may realize this at some level.

As to why he stays, that's the exact question asked of so many people (of both sexes) in abusive relationships. They probably shouldn't but they do anyhow. C'est la vie.

It always surprises me how some folks around here refuse to recognize an abusive BS when it's being very clearly described. If this was a regular post not involving infidelity and the stuff above was being described I doubt there'd be any trouble seeing the wife's behavior for what it apparently is.

mark everything you have said is 10/10 true. I have been thinking about it a lot - I was ready to offer him an alternative and he stated himself he could see life could be so much different. but he made his choice. he is definitely super conflict-avoiding when I comes to her. he is kinda ?dare I say “proud” she is like that? there is a mix of pride and fear. when once tried to book an emergency dentist for their child and all the places were booked  — she send him a message with thousand swear words about the dentist, which he shared around for his pals to see and ?laugh at. that was scary what she wrote.

he said to me that she loves her status and their new home (they changed their home 6 times before she got the one she wanted), and no way she would want to lose that and stay with the kids on her own, she would not be able to pay the mortgage either by herself and it means kids will need to change the house.he said she enjoys planning the house and buying stuff and sharing her private life and pictures on social media for everyone to see. 

 

 

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

no wonder he was so angry at me,

Don't do this.  This is how it starts; you'll keep analysizing until the next thing you know you are putting him back on a pedestal and blaming the whole thing on yourself.  You'll never move on thinking this way.

[BiancaSW]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

mark everything you have said is 10/10 true. I have been thinking about it a lot - I was ready to offer him an alternative and he stated himself he could see life could be so much different. but he made his choice. he is definitely super conflict-avoiding when I comes to her. he is kinda ?dare I say “proud” she is like that? there is a mix of pride and fear. when once tried to book an emergency dentist for their child and all the places were booked  — she send him a message with thousand swear words about the dentist, which he shared around for his pals to see and ?laugh at. that was scary what she wrote.

he said to me that she loves her status and their new home (they changed their home 6 times before she got the one she wanted), and no way she would want to lose that and stay with the kids on her own, she would not be able to pay the mortgage either by herself and it means kids will need to change the house.he said she enjoys planning the house and buying stuff and sharing her private life and pictures on social media for everyone to see. 

 

 

he said he would walk away with nothing and if I take him like that. 

He also said if my mum is worried - he is not a millionaire but if house is sold he would have some money to put towards new house for us.

i said his money and not so high salary is not an issue, as we would share everything. My salary is much higher than his and will be growing but I would not mind sharing.

i also said that his kids should stay in the house they are used to and him and I can figure something out.

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

he said he would walk away with nothing and if I take him like that

He said. Which were just words. But what actually happened was when push came to shove, when the opportunity arose, he shoved you under the bus. He openly insulted you. He sat back and allowed his wife to take shots at you. He never checked in on you. He quit his job, jumped through all the hoops for his wife. 

Actions speak much louder than words. He has proven where he wants to be and what is his top priority. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Don't do this.  This is how it starts; you'll keep analysizing until the next thing you know you are putting him back on a pedestal and blaming the whole thing on yourself.  You'll never move on thinking this way.

No, and if you are not going to be kind to yourself Op and stick up for yourself - who will? 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

He said. Which were just words. But what actually happened was when push came to shove, when the opportunity arose, he shoved you under the bus. He openly insulted you. He sat back and allowed his wife to take shots at you. He never checked in on you. He quit his job, jumped through all the hoops for his wife. 

Actions speak much louder than words. He has proven where he wants to be and what is his top priority. 

I agree; and don't think that he isn't enjoying their new home just as much if not more as his wife.  He shouldn't have told you those things it's almost cruel.

Edited June 14, 2021 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

He said. Which were just words. But what actually happened was when push came to shove, when the opportunity arose, he shoved you under the bus. He openly insulted you. He sat back and allowed his wife to take shots at you. He never checked in on you. He quit his job, jumped through all the hoops for his wife. 

Actions speak much louder than words. He has proven where he wants to be and what is his top priority. 

And yet, here you are OP lamenting about what a great guy he is and dreaming about what might have been if he had followed through on the promises he made to you…

The reality is, he chose his wife and family, he ended your relationship, and he did that in a spectacularly cruel and hurtful way. that should be all you need to know to say “dodged that bullet, moving on…”

[BiancaSW]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree; and don't think that he isn't enjoying their new home just as much if not more as his wife.  He shouldn't have told you those things it's almost cruel.

I’m sure he does enjoy it. he should have not. also he had every week and every day of a 12 months period to tell me he has a happy family man with his wife being a top priority but he never did no matter how many times I asked.

[BiancaSW]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, here you are OP lamenting about what a great guy he is and dreaming about what might have been if he had followed through on the promises he made to you…

The reality is, he chose his wife and family, he ended your relationship, and he did that in a spectacularly cruel and hurtful way. that should be all you need to know to say “dodged that bullet, moving on…”

I thought he meant these things. In person he was very genuine and all the good things I have heard about him and his own stories how much he cares for everyone. I thought he genuinely would be wanting to change his life for m.

[BiancaSW]

3 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I thought he meant these things. In person he was very genuine and all the good things I have heard about him and his own stories how much he cares for everyone. I thought he genuinely would be wanting to change his life for m.

in his own words “had he got the chance to know me better”. I said it sounded like a car he is taking for a test drive to see if a new one is better than his old trusty one....

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

He said she would always defend the weak, while being nice and smiley to everyone.

In his career domain he was / is really good working in a team - always stood up for his colleagues, always helped everyone and was nice and professional and someone to look up to. People considered him a brave soul always standing up for everyone, and a caring one - as he was always the one to lend a helping hand

That's one thing with toxic people...

To the outside world they epitomize the upstanding, idealistic citizen. It is only the fee people who are intimately familiar with them who know the truth of their natures.

I sadly had a volatile boyfriend when I was 19 years old. He was about 10 years older than me. People used to comment to me about what a good worker he was, so friendly and personable, great for their business. I knew better about who he was but I was a vulnerable 19 years old who just lost her dad to an untimely death, and my mom put him up in my childhood bedroom while I couch surfed at friends' homes.

Also, my narcissist mom is known generally as a social butterfly. She's a very good hostess to houseguests and loves to schmooze with those she considers movers and shakers. As a kid, we hardly went anywhere that someone wasn't striking up friendly conversation with her. She also exploits her five kids (myself included). 

So my point is 'not all that glimmers is gold.' Count yourself lucky that you have no formal ties to this man such as business, marriage, kids, etc. 

[BiancaSW]

7 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

That's one thing with toxic people...

To the outside world they epitomize the upstanding, idealistic citizen. It is only the fee people who are intimately familiar with them who know the truth of their natures.

I sadly had a volatile boyfriend when I was 19 years old. He was about 10 years older than me. People used to comment to me about what a good worker he was, so friendly and personable, great for their business. I knew better about who he was but I was a vulnerable 19 years old who just lost her dad to an untimely death, and my mom put him up in my childhood bedroom while I couch surfed at friends' homes.

Also, my narcissist mom is known generally as a social butterfly. She's a very good hostess to houseguests and loves to schmooze with those she considers movers and shakers. As a kid, we hardly went anywhere that someone wasn't striking up friendly conversation with her. She also exploits her five kids (myself included). 

So my point is 'not all that glimmers is gold.' Count yourself lucky that you have no formal ties to this man such as business, marriage, kids, etc. 

oh I’m so sorry you had to go through all these tough experiences! Yes, indeed, it’s true - grass is always greener on the other side...

[BiancaSW]

I don’t know if he was genuinely never going to do things - it mostly looks like he did not know what he wanted. At some point he started to talk about houses and stopped eating and was sick non stop, we went for a walk he looked very detached and nauseous and kept saying how much I understand him and it’s so good we can read each other. He said he is scared and a coward, he was always shaking and said he wants to be together. I don’t know why he would say these things - he looked so ill, something was off, he had a lot of things on his mind and could not make a decision. he later admitted to his wife that yes there was something happening between him and I and he thought there is a chance we would build something together.

[Crazelnut]

45 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

he will do anything for his kids, I know that, he is a very good father. as I said above in the thread he said if it wasn’t for the kids things would have been different

Please stop saying he is a good father. Every moment he spent with you and on you was time taken away from his family. And good fathers don't make Mommy enraged by screwing multiple coworkers. Good fathers don't put their needs ahead of everyone else's.

The more you tell us about him, the worse he sounds. You need to figure out why you so easily fell in love with a sleezeball. Screwing a coworker in front of colleagues -- disgusting and unprofessional. Multiple ONS -- dangerous and nasty.  Cheating on and lying to his wife -- untrustworthy  What made you want to have a R with a man like this?  

[HadMeOverABarrel]

42 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

he said he would walk away with nothing and if I take him like that. 

He also said if my mum is worried - he is not a millionaire but if house is sold he would have some money to put towards new house for us.

i said his money and not so high salary is not an issue, as we would share everything. My salary is much higher than his and will be growing but I would not mind sharing.

i also said that his kids should stay in the house they are used to and him and I can figure something out.

I just want to caution you about your generosity in future relationships. This way of thinking can get you into trouble with potential future love interests who may not have your best interests at heart. 

@BaileyB commented about your good nature and I agree with her assessment, but I also think you should be much more discerning before you decide to be so generous. 

Don't be afraid to screen carefully and even test someone before making a serious commitment (or even investing too much of your time).

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

He said he can see my s**** true colours and he doesn’t want to throw 20 years of life he build up with this wife for someone like me...

he later called and apologised, saying he was angry and he can’t believe I am still speaking to him after all he said to me.

He's got a point. How in the world can you continue talking to somebody who says something so horrible and cruel?

Edited June 14, 2021 by lana-banana

[Crazelnut]

We're on page 5, and you're still talking about HIM. May I suggest that you stop analyzing HIM and spend time analyzing YOU? You write about him as if he was once a sweet and wonderful man who did a 180 and turned on you, when in fact, he was a selfish jerk the whole time. Accept that and try to get better at picking a man. Try to stop obsessing about him 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

18 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

oh I’m so sorry you had to go through all these tough experiences! Yes, indeed, it’s true - grass is always greener on the other side...

Yeah, I'm really airing all my dirty laundry on your thread, right? 😆

I think it's because I'm more emotional than usual: dying dog, unruly brother issues, mom hoovering me because she wants help with the estate and I'm inclined to oblige plus a host of other stressful responsibilities on my plate. 

It's got me being 'extra honest and transparent.' Truly I hope it benefits you though. I really believe you are going to gain a lot when you recover from this.

[Wiseman2]

His wife may have been standing behind him when he called you with her lawyer on speed dial. Keep in mind, you were always disposable. That's what mistresses are.

[BaileyB]

Have you read any other threads on this site Bianca? If you do, you will find some alarming similarities…

You ask how it’s possible that a man could be a good man, a good father, kind and truthful to their affair partner only to then throw them under the bus - you may want to start with this -

 

[BaileyB]

And if you think men aren’t capable of incredible deception, read this. This guy promised to have children and walk into the sunset with the poster, only one small problem - he was already married with a child.
 

 

[mark clemson]

Yeah it is disturbing that he apparently chose to call you and do that. Some people in highly dysfunctional situations alternate between roles (e.g. abuser/abusee). You could research the "Drama Triangle" (there's a good bit on it on the internet) to see how some folks do this kind of role switching, even e.g. as a married couple. In his case, the repeated affairs might even be part of the abuse if he expects his wife to eventually find out, be hurt, but take him back anyhow due to practical concerns.

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

Then he raised that point with me - asking if I would be ok helping him with kids. He said he will do all the housework, but it would be nice if we could have shared responsibilities. 

i work twice more hours than he does, but I said when I can I would gladly take care of his kids (not like his wife would allow me anyway!).

he asked if we are getting a house - can we get one close to the kids, because he wants to be there for them. He said kids are like sponge and would adapt having me around if I am willing to contribute.

other days he would say why to tell you about my kids / show you their pictures if we might not work out and you will never meet these people. what... 

This is reasonably common in affairs and sometimes known as "future faking". I suspect this was mostly fantasizing on his part about an open relationship with you and little more than that. I could be wrong, and perhaps he did it to keep you "reeled in". At some level he probably knew none of this would pan out as he's too codependent and/or scared of potential consequences to actually leave. Just a nice little dream/break from reality for him.

It is sad to say and I hope it doesn't hurt you because it's clear you had genuine feelings for him, but honestly, this whole thing was likely mostly a band aid on his bad marriage (to him). Sure he had feelings for you, but he was never going anywhere. As many above have noted he made the typical choice when push came to shove. He is too stuck to leave his marriage and even turns around and blatantly vents his frustrations on you as his wife has done with the disability info.

You are so much better off realizing that this was a mess even from the beginning (you just didn't realize how MUCH of one you were walking into) and getting away from it all ASAP.

Edited June 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

when we started to go out - the first thing he said to me after our first date was - do you know how much s*** I will get if this unfolds and she finds out? Same as - do you know if I gonna be divorcing her how ugly it will be?

So what on earth were you thinking?
Tee hee, his wife is not going to be happy... serves her right...