NERVOUS PROBLEM Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 I can't really tell if this guy I'm talking to is flirting or not, and he keeps sending very mixed signals (I think?). I really like him, and he knows that, but I also got rejected by him - his reasoning being that he is not capable of having long distance relationships, wich is a solid reason for not wanting to start a relationship. We agreed on being friends, but his texting patterns drastically changed after my confession, he suddenly uses different emojis (these guys 😜🤪 suddenly appeared, he never used them before), sends selfies and I get daily Instagram dms from him, from memes to posts that remind him of me. Before I told him that I liked him he only answered my texts and I was often the one who reached out to him. I actually distanced myself a bit because I really want to stay friends with him and therefore want to loose my romantic attraction to him (I don't really want to change his mind about long distance relationships, because I 100% believe him, I really just wanted to get my feelings out of my system). When we talk to each other our conversations last multiple hours, often deep into the night, and we really can talk about anything and everything, we just kind of click. However, the last time we talked to each other he made a really blunt joke about his junk - he also started talking about his workout routine and just in general how fit he is and what kind of amazing things he can do (sport related). He sometimes boasts about being able to do specific types of workouts, but the joke was just out of place and well... confusing for me. (it was also not sexual, just weird) My reaction made clear that I thought that it was inappropriate (at least with the situation between the two of us) but all these things combined make me really confused. Does he just see me as a "guy friend" and is relaxed enough to make these kind of jokes? Or is this some kind of thing that he does to keep my attention on him and validate him, even though he rejected me? We play video games together on a regular basis, but nowadays the video game sessions start to center more around the conversation aspect, and I don't always know how to act or react to some things and topics, because some of them are not necessarily things I would discuss between normal friends. Maybe somebody can share their thoughts on this? I've never been in this kind of situation before and really don't know what to think of it 🙈 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 Have you met in person? Do you want to be more than friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NERVOUS PROBLEM Posted June 14, 2021 Author Share Posted June 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you met in person? Do you want to be more than friends? Yes, I have met him in person several times - we went to the same vocational school (we are both doing our apprenticeships) and lived on campus there for several weeks. We were practically neighbors for the time there. He actually visited me in my hometown after the school had ended, and he was the one who reached out first. And yes, I would like to be more than friends, but I also don't want to get my hopes up since I've already been rejected. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 (edited) You already told him that you had feelings for him, and he rejected you. He was very clear about that. I'm not sure why you would think any of this overrides that. So he's texting you more, talking to you more. Honestly it sounds like he is relating to you as a friend now. Maybe he feels relieved that he has "cleared the air" and told you that he has no romantic feelings for you, so now he feels like he can proceed as friends with you. Don't waste your time and energy still holding out hope that he may be interested in you. He told you that he isn't. Listen what he has told you. Edited June 14, 2021 by ShyViolet 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 2 hours ago, NERVOUS PROBLEM said: I really want to stay friends with him and therefore want to loose my romantic attraction to him This is impossible. If you already have romantic feelings for him and have been rejected you aren't going to lose them by continuing to engage with him. Sooner or later he is going to get a real gf and your feelings will be hurt and wondering why you weren't good enough. Protect your heart and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 2 hours ago, NERVOUS PROBLEM said: Does he just see me as a "guy friend" and is relaxed enough to make these kind of jokes? Or is this some kind of thing that he does to keep my attention on him and validate him, even though he rejected me? Yes, he is doing this to keep your attention and validate him. He is very happy that you are attracted to him, he has a libido that responds to female attention. You aren't friends, I am sorry to say but you do make him feel very flattered. Don't waste anymore time on him, the first response was the honest one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 He does not want an LDR. Full stop. Everything he does after that is just wasting your time & boosting his ego. He likes you but not enough. Enjoy the flirting but do not for 1 second think he wants more. He likes the ego stroke & it's fun to flirt but he wants a conventional SO who is right there. You are not. Given how much you like him, I suggest you dial it back because you are going to get hurt. He doesn't feel the same. You are somebody fun to pass the time with but it won't go further. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 I'm sorry to say but guys like to flirt online. It does not mean he will follow up in any meaningful way. He might even go as far as having sex with you but if he has said no relationship, then do not expect anything from him. He is enjoying your attention and trying to direct the conversation into topics he is interested in. He wants to talk about his 'workouts' and you happen to be there so he is making the most of the opportunity. Sadly, it doesn't mean he cares about you or wants a romantic relationship with you. It is a form of 'using'. He might kid himself that you are enjoying it too, but from what you say you are finding it rather uncomfortable and do not want to engage in those kinds of discussions given that romance is not an option. If you want to carry on chatting and gaming with him, I would suggest setting boundaries. When he talks about things you find uncomfortable, then ignore or steer him away from them. If he keeps dragging things back to his favourite topics, then tell him you are not comfortable discussing these things. If he is like any of the guys I have said goodbye to, he will try to convince you it is ok/normal/perfectly reasonable to talk about such things and you are being oversensitive or have hang-ups. Some guys will willingly use a chat buddy to try to get them to participate in their fantasy life. There is no reason why you should get involved in this. He has rejected you; he can't have you playing his fantasy games too. You need to be firm with him and draw a line. I have to say that if you do, he may lose interest in chatting. That is not because you have done anything wrong; it is because he was using you and you have refused to participate. In other words, because he is doing this for entirely selfish purposes. As you say, he has rejected you so he has no right to try to cross any lines with you, whether it be only in fantasy or not. Personally, I would find his behaviour irritating and selfish and would not want to join in. I'd rather have a friend who was genuinely a friend than a user. Link to post Share on other sites
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