Reconciliation after 20yrs my husband left me

[Amanda A]

20 yrs ago I found out  my husband was sleeping with another woman. She wanted him to divorce me, he wouldn't. He claimed he never loved her. Well, she called me and told me Everything. Including that she was pregnant with my husband's child. This broke us. I was absolutely torn. We had a Two year old son, we had...Or so I thought a great marriage. He was a supportive husband, and great father. Honest, generous and kind. I don't understand why he cheated. He was broken. He said he tried to end it but he always went back to her. We tried counseling we tried to make it work. We were in love. We had a son. I was willing to accept the new baby he was about to have. A few months in during a counseling session he arranged to have, he confessed that while I was away for the weekend. He had friends over, they were drinking and he was drunk. His baby's mother stops by and wants to leave the newborn with him for a couple days. He said they were talking and she came on to him and they had sex. He confessed all this during this emergency counseling session. He basically claimed she seduced him. She raped him. I know now, it's possible. But then, I just felt betrayed. I was hurt again. I didn't believe him. I left New York City and I moved to Chicago. I filed for divorce and had a mediator appointed to deal with visitation between him and our son. It was literally until our sons high school graduation that I ever laid eyes on him, or spoke to him. This was 2017. At the graduation party I held I invited my Ex husband. We talked, had a great conversation. We began communicating as friends. We have been friends ever since. He has never remarried neither have I. I never had the desire to. He confessed to me two days ago, that he never forgave himself for what he did to me. He has never stopped loving me. He let me be because he knew I deserved better. He asked me if I would give him another chance. I have always loved him. I know he is a good person. But. My fear is if I were to try again. What if he cheats. I never believed he would have before. Can a Cheater change? I've been alone and just fine all these years. I'm 45 and he is 47. I feel like I may be too old to start over and to fail again. Would I be a fool to trust him again. Even after all these years? Could it work?  

Edited June 14, 2021 by Amanda A

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Amanda A said:

Can a Cheater change? I've been alone and just fine all these years. I'm 45 and he is 47. I feel like I may be too old to start over and to fail again. 

Focus on co-parenting. His mistress probably dumped him for cheating on her too and he figures you are an easy option.. Don't buy into his BS, no matter how lonely you are.

Edited June 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

I have a rule, never go back to something that broke me. 

That said... 20 years means he was 27. A lot can change in a man from 27 to 47. I'm not saying that he is trustworthy, at all. But sometimes life can change someone. Be wary. 

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @Amanda AI would suggest you go with your gut. I know it and been 20 years since you had seen or interacted with him, but you still know him better than any of us. I would suggest that if you do decide to try again I would have a prenup or postnup not sure which would be the correct one in case of infidelity. I would protect my assets I'm sure that you have accumulated over the past 20 years. Best of luck!

[Lotsgoingon]

Well I say no you don't really want to just "trust him." If you were to spend more time with him, you need to keep your eye out like a hawk. 

Stay away from all-or-nothing thinking. No, you don't wanna trust him fully right now. But you can trust him enough to hang out with him and then see how it feels. Trusting should be a very GRADUAL process, based on the other person earning our trust. You don't just let someone into your life and fully trust them. You observe them, you see if they are straight with you and on and on.

BTW: you're almost at the same point that new people dating are at. You gradually build trust. 

Suggestion: google "recovering from affairs" or similar phrases. Your case is unique with the 20-year gap. But you'll probably learn about feelings you have that are similar to feelings other people have had when their spouses cheated. And you'll get some stories on how people resumed trusting their partner. One point I noticed: the pain of the betrayed married spouse is excruciating. You don't want to deny your previous pain at all if you're going to see him.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Amanda A said:

Can a Cheater change?

I've been alone and just fine all these years.

I'm 45 and he is 47. I feel like I may be too old to start over and to fail again. Would I be a fool to trust him again. Even after all these years?

Could it work?  

Yes, but there is no guarantee. Some WS's very strongly and sincerely "chase" the BS (who often wants nothing to do with them, as was your chase) and stay "loyal" to them emotionally even in their absence and would take them back (if allowed to) even while dating others. Others are more self-aware, but choose to forego cheating due to the emotional distress it can create or to a change in their personal morals. However those cases are by no means ALL WS's.

I like the advice to take things slowly. If you're fine alone, then it makes sense to figure out whether you feel it's "worth the risk" of taking him back.

If you're going to live to e.g. 75, then 45 leaves you plenty of time. People start new relationships (and rekindle old ones in some cases) in their 60's and beyond. Whether *you* should with your xH is a different question and much harder to answer.

It could work, but there's no real way to know or to guarantee that it would. Situations like this simply don't have easy answers and you can't have a real relationship without taking some emotional risk. Whether you think it's worth it is what you need to figure out.

Edited June 15, 2021 by mark clemson