This has gone on for a year now.

[westerner]

I have posted about this situation before, nearly one year ago, and because I know some will go back and look, I will provide some context, though the situation has drastically changed. I began to catch feelings for a woman I worked with. When I posted about it back then, I was looking for ways to avoid that impacting our jobs. Well, that didn't happen. We pursued each other and as a result, she ended up being transferred to another area. 

This will likely be long, but I will keep it as short as possible. 

This girl and I  began an amazing relationship. We talked all the time, day and night. She was in a relationship with the father of her kids, though he was in prison. She was not at all faithful to that relationship as her and I did plenty together and my hopes at the time were that she would just tell the guy that she had met someone else. He had been serving a length prison sentence but was released this past December. 

She wanted to allow him to come home and give him the chance to see what they still had. I hated every second of it, but I sat back while that happened. Her and I would still talk just about every day, though it had to be hidden, which I hated. Eventually, she moved on from him. I was thrilled, because that was the moment I had been waiting for. I should also mention that I basically began to financially support this girl and provided her with many gifts. Looking back, I know that was a huge mistake. 

I came to find out in April that another man, also just about to be released from prison, was talking to her. He was using her to play middle man with her cousin, who he had been with for several years before being imprisoned. The cousin was expecting him to come home to her, but he had basically started a secret relationship with the girl I had been talking to and doing everything for. I was devastated. 

Since then, I have tried everything. I feel extremely betrayed by her but she feels little remorse or at least she doesn't show any. She will say things like she "knows she made a mistake" but she just has to learn from it on her own. One thing I have done that really has irked her is I have talked to several people who know the both of us and have asked about our situation. I have been entirely honest about things and she feels that I should not be telling anyone about our story. I think she feels that way because she doesn't want anyone to know what she has really done to me. 

Her family has also come to me (mother, sister, grandmother) telling me how disappointed they are in her and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. It's clear that I would be the "best choice" for her but she is not seeing it that way and says that she wants to come to that realization on her own, not because her family told her to or because I "forced it to happen". In truth, I tell people about it all because I think I am just looking for sympathy. I am in no way trying to make her look bad.

This has gone on for a year. In that year, I have spent an embarrassing amount of money on her, waited for two different guys to get out of the way and still stood by her side. I have blocked her number, but she found a way to get around that. That's another thing. She ALWAYS contacts me, not the other way around. 

I absolutely will not give up on this girl. I love her. I definitely feel I have been wronged in many ways and flat out betrayed,  but I can see where she maybe has a point with me trying to force things to happen, though that was never my intention. My only intention was to present myself as a good, caring option for her and I feel that I did that. Everyone else we know can see it, why can't she?

She still says that we could have this at some point, but she has to get past all of the "people getting involved" and she has to get to that point on her own to where she wants me and knows she can make me happy. 

I have made it clear to her that I don't have any interest in being "just friends" but while she is figuring all of this out, as she claims, I feel I have no choice but to stay at a friendly level and prove that I am willing to be there for her just to talk or for whatever she needs. She says that she just wants to keep it there for now and with me not acting like we're in a relationship and just let it grow from there. I told her I can do that, as long as she knows that my ultimate goal for us is not going to change. She said she has always known that. 

I would appreciate any thoughts on this as I have never meant to hurt this girl and want to go the right way about it from this point forward. 

[Mrin]

3 hours ago, westerner said:

I absolutely will not give up on this girl.

Give up on her. Now. Don't look back. Run!

I remember you from a year ago. I think I told you the same thing. There is nothing here for you and there never will be.

I'm sorry dude.

 

[Wiseman2]

Agree. End it then block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps.

She has a thing for bad boys and jailbirds. Does she do a lot of drugs?

That's why she used you for money 💰

Get tested for STDs. You can be sure she's had sex with her jailbirds while collecting money 💰 from you.

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, westerner said:

I absolutely will not give up on this girl. I love her. I definitely feel I have been wronged in many ways and flat out betrayed,  but I can see where she maybe has a point with me trying to force things to happen, though that was never my intention. 

You are being played for a fool.  She liked you for the things you bought her while her baby's father was in prison. She likes bad dangerous men; for some reasons felons turn her on.  The baby daddy & the other guy who just got out of prison.  

She's a cheater & a liar.  When they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.  She did cheat on you & betrayed her own cousin in the process.  She is not an honest, reliable or nice person.  She's also gaslighting you by claiming she's a victim in all of this because you tried to force things.  BS.  She knew exactly what she was doing to keep you supplying the gravy train. 

You really need to think why you think you "love" this woman who you know has wronged you & betrayed you.  What is so wrong or broken in you that you are willing to put up with this horrid behavior?  When you find your own self-worth you will give up on this dishonest cheater who uses people.  Until then, you are a volunteer in your own misery, not a victim.  

Where is your WIFE in all of this?  Why not put as much effort into your marriage as you put into this mess?  

Finally because you are a manager & at one time you were her manager, don't be surprised when you get sued for sexual harassment.  Your mutual employer has deep pockets.  She's all about easy money.  She's taken what she can from you.  When one of these convicts figures this out, they will hook her up with a bottom feeding lawyer who will file suit against your employer.  You will then be fired & she will think she's made it to easy street.  

This is a disaster.  Stop fighting for some women who only sees you as a meal ticket & who is looking to trade up.  

Edited June 15, 2021 by d0nnivain

[spiderowl]

This woman is using you.  She's not using you in the sense that you are unwilling and being duped; she is accepting what you have offered her and you have made a huge effort to gain her attention by giving to her.  You are giving her attention, money, emotional support, all in an endeavour to get her to realise you are the one who will be there for her, who will stand by her.

Sadly, as other posters have said, this woman is more hung up on bad boys.  Someone who dotes on her and gives to her all the time is not as exciting for her.  If you are waiting for her to see your true worth, she never will - she will keep you thinking it's a possibility though because she'd like to keep that option in the background while never intending to use it.

You say you will absolutely not give up on her.  Why not?  What is she giving you that makes you want her so badly?  You need to examine your own feelings to see why you are drawn to someone who is stringing you along, why you insist on being strung along.  Do  you really believe, deep down, that she wants a knight in shining armour?  What kind of guys is she going for?  Are they doing lots of things for her, providing gifts, being there for her, or are they providing drama and excitement in her life instead (more fool her!)?

It is interesting that you say you will not give up on her, almost as if you need to be in this situation where you feel drawn and tortured. If she was available to you, would you be happy or would you feel she had become boring?  You are banking everything on a false hope at the moment.  You have decided to hang about and wait for her to give up on the bad boys.  Does this seem like a way forward to you?

It sounds like you would need to accept always being on the periphery of this woman's life or to actually give up on her.  Until you accept what kind of person she really is, you are likely to remain stuck.

Edited June 24, 2021 by spiderowl