do you remain friends with your co-workers after they leave work?

[QuietRiot]

I was reading this article online:

An excerpt:

It’s the coworker whose wedding you attended, baby shower you donated to, the co-worker whose child you bought dozens of unnecessary Girl Scout cookies from, the boss who always asked how your child was and the co-workers you went to lunch with so much that your debit card got a good work-out. It’s the coworkers who reduced you to tears by the sweet baby or wedding shower. Those coworkers make it awkward to acknowledge the loss of a connection and friendship that never really was. You’d forged an unspoken bond and thought they were more than a disposable acquaintance. But, in the time it took you to load your stuffed cardboard box of cubicle items in your car, you began to realize it was all a convenient façade. 

For instance, I have a work place friend I rather clicked with for a while at work, even had lunches and hungout outside of work a couple of times. Most of our lengthy and personal conversations took place at the cubicle. This person did tell me that she doesn't intend on sticking around that place for long though, and it's true, been less than a year and she's leaving (put in her 2 weeks)..however, it would seem other co-workers were privy to her recently new employer, and she had been somewhat evasive with me regarding her future after she leaves work. (In case your thinking romantic intentions, there are none, that's why I posted in this section...and...I had a similar situation happen with a former male I.T. friend).

She used to hang out by my cubicle to chat for a while when she was caught upon work, now...she just passes and waves...sometimes I have to stop her to ask her what's going on in her life. She'll briefly tell me, but not elaborate.

I don't know, but something tells me that she doesn't want to continue a friendship outside of work after she leaves.

When I read in that article: you began to realize it was all a convenient façade. And this: I was holding my work friends to the same standard I held my friends

I cant' help but to think there's some truth to that?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think my long ago work friendships were a façade.  It's just that the thing we had in common -- that job -- is no longer part of our lives.  It's also not as convenient to see them or spend time with them. 

My profession is social so I do see some of them from time to time (or at least I did back when the world was open).  Social media keeps us tenuously connected.  A few stayed in my phone as contacts & we interact occasionally. Some good ones I did keep after all these years but even then, getting together is few & far between. It's fun when it happens though. 

One guy who I had lunch with every day for 2 years & shared a beach house with, we've been to each other's weddings; he came to my parents' funerals. . . I doubt I've seen him in person for 3 years but last year he helped a different friend of mine get a job.  His wife reached out to me last year to send a video message for his Covid birthday party (it was year that ends in a zero; but for Covid she would have thrown him a huge party) So it's not the same as when we spent 8+ hours per day in the same building but I still consider him a dear friend.   

If this woman from your work has stopped being invested, just let her go. 

[glows]

I've remained friends with old coworkers especially the ones with longer tenures (as in we worked for years together, not brief stints). I still keep in touch with them and we visit each others families. They are long time friends now. Mind you, these are friendships now 20+ years. There are dips and years where we are less communicative or meet up less. I think you're overthinking this. Do you like your work?

For every one I've kept in touch there are plenty more who I lost touch with. It can be for any reason. Perhaps this particular coworker felt her work-relationship with you was no longer appropriate or relevant. Both of you may have outgrown each other or moved on to different phases. Lengthy conversations sounds like one or both of you might have been going through a phase or a difficult transition or one needed to vent more than the other. People move on. She may also be more focused or is working towards something or has other tasks she has to complete in the organization. Don't over anticipate on the friendship or no friendship outside of work. You never know if someone will catch with you years down the line.

I do know individuals who do put on a facade but that's quite transparent over time. They fall off like flies so don't worry about that. You'll find more people to meet.

 

[Wiseman2]

Always a good idea to network and not burn bridges. Lot's of people stay connected on LinkedIn or social media. You don't have to best buds or socialize all the time, but being acquaintances with former collogues is a good thing

[QuietRiot]

7 hours ago, glows said:

I've remained friends with old coworkers especially the ones with longer tenures (as in we worked for years together, not brief stints). I still keep in touch with them and we visit each others families. They are long time friends now. Mind you, these are friendships now 20+ years. There are dips and years where we are less communicative or meet up less. I think you're overthinking this. Do you like your work?

For every one I've kept in touch there are plenty more who I lost touch with. It can be for any reason. Perhaps this particular coworker felt her work-relationship with you was no longer appropriate or relevant. Both of you may have outgrown each other or moved on to different phases. Lengthy conversations sounds like one or both of you might have been going through a phase or a difficult transition or one needed to vent more than the other. People move on. She may also be more focused or is working towards something or has other tasks she has to complete in the organization. Don't over anticipate on the friendship or no friendship outside of work. You never know if someone will catch with you years down the line.

I do know individuals who do put on a facade but that's quite transparent over time. They fall off like flies so don't worry about that. You'll find more people to meet.

 

You're pretty much right. Very enlightening.

From how she was talking, she had indeed a major change happening. She was re-eduacting herself and expanding moving towards her career. The job she was in with me, was just a flash in the pan in order to save up money for future pursuits like education and such. 

It was kind of unique as I had nothing in common with most of my co-workers. In fact, these would be the kind of people that I wouldn't even thinki about hanging out with outside of work. They tend to booze it up and stuff on their time off Get into Nascar, hunting and fishing, etc, tobacco usage. Think just about most people there smoked Or they had families to go home to. Her and me, into major geeky stuff.  She kind of leaned into a lot of reading, and less into the visual stuff like, say, binge watching Star Trek or whatever. She used to. Anyways, going off on a tangent, but yea. Definite major change in her life.

You could say with 2 weeks left to go, she's already mentally put this place in her rear view.

In fact, she told me she won't miss most of the people there, as they were kind of backstabbers. It was rather a high stress environment. In fact, she passed up working at a ice cream shop for this. LOL

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, some work relationships (maybe most) don't continue at the same level of intensity after someone leaves the job.

But that does not mean the work friendship was a facade. Not at all. Literally when we have a work friend, work is a glue ... it's a frequent common meeting space, there are regular run-ins, it's easy to check in with someone, conversations about work are usually mutually satisfying. That's all real. And then you hang out after work and the relationship seems serious.

I think it is serious.

It's just that all relationships shift over time. And not being in a common space (no longer a neighbor, no longer a work colleague, no longer a college roommate, no longer a member of an activity-hobby group) requires that things change. 

Without the common soil, it takes real and sustain effort to keep the bond going at the same level of intensity or intimacy. But that doesn't mean you couldn't call on them in an emergency. Doesn't mean you couldn't call on them for help. Doesn't mean you've lost affect in your heart for them or forgotten all the wonderful conversations you had with them. 

My mentor at work retired a couple of years ago. She was like an aunt to me. I assumed she and I would stay in close touch, but we haven't. This was someone who would invite me and members of the team she was supervising to her home for dinner--for fun and for planning sessions. Seeing her at work, we talked movies and music, and even dating. I convinced her to date again after her bf had a sudden heart attack.

We'll see. I haven't given up on meeting her more frequently. She does have a serious bf now, so that occupies a good amount of her time. We'll see. But this woman was truly an important figure in my life. That won't change. 

[glows]

16 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

You're pretty much right. Very enlightening.

From how she was talking, she had indeed a major change happening. She was re-eduacting herself and expanding moving towards her career. The job she was in with me, was just a flash in the pan in order to save up money for future pursuits like education and such. 

It was kind of unique as I had nothing in common with most of my co-workers. In fact, these would be the kind of people that I wouldn't even thinki about hanging out with outside of work. They tend to booze it up and stuff on their time off Get into Nascar, hunting and fishing, etc, tobacco usage. Think just about most people there smoked Or they had families to go home to. Her and me, into major geeky stuff.  She kind of leaned into a lot of reading, and less into the visual stuff like, say, binge watching Star Trek or whatever. She used to. Anyways, going off on a tangent, but yea. Definite major change in her life.

You could say with 2 weeks left to go, she's already mentally put this place in her rear view.

In fact, she told me she won't miss most of the people there, as they were kind of backstabbers. It was rather a high stress environment. In fact, she passed up working at a ice cream shop for this. LOL

Lack of similarities with the majority then. That is ok. She's moving on to greener pastures. Be happy for her. There's no reason not to keep in touch either way either through social media or exchange personal emails. She shouldn't have to update you on what's going on in her life personally. The best friendships are ones where there's no over-detailing. It's one thing to help a friend through a crisis but if it's a big overload of info, that becomes tedious and draining. She may sense that you're looking for more info out of her about her personal life too and uncomfortable by that. If things are going well also, there's nothing much to report? 

What about you? Are you leaving this place also in the near future?

[QuietRiot]

On 6/16/2021 at 2:25 PM, glows said:

Lack of similarities with the majority then. That is ok. She's moving on to greener pastures. Be happy for her. There's no reason not to keep in touch either way either through social media or exchange personal emails. She shouldn't have to update you on what's going on in her life personally. The best friendships are ones where there's no over-detailing. It's one thing to help a friend through a crisis but if it's a big overload of info, that becomes tedious and draining. She may sense that you're looking for more info out of her about her personal life too and uncomfortable by that. If things are going well also, there's nothing much to report? 

What about you? Are you leaving this place also in the near future?

No, only been there about a year after a year of being unemployed, but without benefits. I needed stability. She was only there several months, and prior to even being hired, had plans that extended beyond that. She was just using the job to fund her education. The place was nothing more than a transition. A stepping stone. Of course, it'll have nothing to do with the field she prefers.

Another person there is also entering the healthcare field soon...leaving around the same time. Where I work, it's kind of a revolving door of people coming and going. Some last a few months other a handful of years max. 

 

[LuckyM]

Most coworkers are merely just that, nothing more. I have had more jobs than I can remember, short term.

People are often friendly to be polite. If you are initiating the conversation and they respond but do

not initiate, they are only polite, a facade of niceness. Do they talk about stuff besides work? Or only work?

This is a important difference. I consider them bare acquaintances because I know little about them.

 Some people feel that they are there to work, not talk,

and there is an old saying, don't say anything tthat you would not want posted on the wall.

Having said that, I have made close friends, with m and f after work, for years. I still talk to one woman

six years later, and she is a good listener, but we do not see each other.

[QuietRiot]

On 6/19/2021 at 5:41 PM, LuckyM said:

Most coworkers are merely just that, nothing more. I have had more jobs than I can remember, short term.

People are often friendly to be polite. If you are initiating the conversation and they respond but do

not initiate, they are only polite, a facade of niceness. Do they talk about stuff besides work? Or only work?

This is a important difference. I consider them bare acquaintances because I know little about them.

 Some people feel that they are there to work, not talk,

and there is an old saying, don't say anything tthat you would not want posted on the wall.

Having said that, I have made close friends, with m and f after work, for years. I still talk to one woman

six years later, and she is a good listener, but we do not see each other.

I work at pretty lax place, so when there is some down time, we do talk with our co-workers and shoot the breeze, laugh, cut-up, etc. in fact, some co-workers were invited to another co-worker's wedding..so..there's that.

The one I'm talking about, works next to me, and yes...we DO talk about stuff besides work, ALWAYS have.

I think i mentioned in my initial post we had dinner after work...so obviously we talked about non-work related stuff then.  

Anyways, she has a few days to go before she leaves work for good. She'll still be living in the area for a couple of months as she is transitioning, and then she'll be fully relocated, thereby which I'll ask if she'd like to hang out sometime between now and then.  See her off so-to-speak. 

[Martialb]

On 6/15/2021 at 11:46 AM, QuietRiot said:

I was reading this article online:

An excerpt:

It’s the coworker whose wedding you attended, baby shower you donated to, the co-worker whose child you bought dozens of unnecessary Girl Scout cookies from, the boss who always asked how your child was and the co-workers you went to lunch with so much that your debit card got a good work-out. It’s the coworkers who reduced you to tears by the sweet baby or wedding shower. Those coworkers make it awkward to acknowledge the loss of a connection and friendship that never really was. You’d forged an unspoken bond and thought they were more than a disposable acquaintance. But, in the time it took you to load your stuffed cardboard box of cubicle items in your car, you began to realize it was all a convenient façade. 

For instance, I have a work place friend I rather clicked with for a while at work, even had lunches and hungout outside of work a couple of times. Most of our lengthy and personal conversations took place at the cubicle. This person did tell me that she doesn't intend on sticking around that place for long though, and it's true, been less than a year and she's leaving (put in her 2 weeks)..however, it would seem other co-workers were privy to her recently new employer, and she had been somewhat evasive with me regarding her future after she leaves work. (In case your thinking romantic intentions, there are none, that's why I posted in this section...and...I had a similar situation happen with a former male I.T. friend).

She used to hang out by my cubicle to chat for a while when she was caught upon work, now...she just passes and waves...sometimes I have to stop her to ask her what's going on in her life. She'll briefly tell me, but not elaborate.

I don't know, but something tells me that she doesn't want to continue a friendship outside of work after she leaves.

When I read in that article: you began to realize it was all a convenient façade. And this: I was holding my work friends to the same standard I held my friends

I cant' help but to think there's some truth to that?

I personnally think that you have people from work that you consider as friends  because it is the work place environment that allows it! you are kinda force to cooperate in that environment so better be a jovial environment ( that is why all the event such as marriage, baby shower etc are there for!! to create an affinity but for me it is not real!! it is just formal and out of respect!!) a lot of people would not do it if they did not think that they will be judge by their colleagues!! (sorry to say but it affect more woman than man!! man do not care much about apparences :D! at least, im talking for me!! )

On the other side, you have people with who you really find a connection beyond your expectation! And those are worth keeping even after quiting your job!!

but the thing is that facade friendship can be misleading!! I always say that someone who is caring for you will not last 3 to 4 days without texting you unless specific circumstances!! Do not run after people!! let them come to you and your life will be less streful!!

 

 

[Foxhall]

Eaten bread is soon forgotten,

work acquaintances quickly fade away once you are no longer of use to them,  

then there are always exceptions ( 1 in 50 or so)

[QuietRiot]

On 6/22/2021 at 8:59 AM, Martialb said:

I personnally think that you have people from work that you consider as friends  because it is the work place environment that allows it! you are kinda force to cooperate in that environment so better be a jovial environment ( that is why all the event such as marriage, baby shower etc are there for!! to create an affinity but for me it is not real!! it is just formal and out of respect!!) a lot of people would not do it if they did not think that they will be judge by their colleagues!! (sorry to say but it affect more woman than man!! man do not care much about apparences :D! at least, im talking for me!! )

On the other side, you have people with who you really find a connection beyond your expectation! And those are worth keeping even after quiting your job!!

but the thing is that facade friendship can be misleading!! I always say that someone who is caring for you will not last 3 to 4 days without texting you unless specific circumstances!! Do not run after people!! let them come to you and your life will be less streful!!

 

 

 

Well, on her last day (yesterday)  I texted her about grabbing a bite (my treat) as a send off to who new endeavors.  A kind of final good-bye. I got no reply.  Honestly, she did tell me she's not going to miss the place...she didn't care for most of the people that she worked with and has expressed that she doesn't like working with women (the drama). So...I dunno.

[princessaurora]

I've made friends with several of my coworkers and there are 3 that no longer work with me but we are still very close. One in particular became one of my bffs and we hang out together several times a week. The other 2 attend all my kids parties and we still get together for dinners. But the rest of them, I pretty much dropped contact with after they left. We still talk on social media though and may get together once in a while to catch up. .My husband has made friends at his workplace too and we still hang out with some of them and their SO's.  So, I do think some coworkers can become real friends. I guess it depends on the type of job you have and the culture you live in, but here in the south, it's pretty common. 

[Blind-Sided]

Friends are friends.... and co-workers are co-workers.

I've had a lot of people I work with who I was friendly with.... but I've had a few people who have truly become friends.  As an adult, you should know the difference between people you work with, who are friendly... and people who have become friends with you.

A person I worked with 15 years ago was one of the people who truly helped me through my divorce.  She was there for me when I truly needed a "Friend".

[glows]

On 6/26/2021 at 4:25 AM, QuietRiot said:

 

Well, on her last day (yesterday)  I texted her about grabbing a bite (my treat) as a send off to who new endeavors.  A kind of final good-bye. I got no reply.  Honestly, she did tell me she's not going to miss the place...she didn't care for most of the people that she worked with and has expressed that she doesn't like working with women (the drama). So...I dunno.

You tried. Now enjoy with other friends. Don't take this to heart. 

I think it was good of you to reach out.

[Miss Spider]

In some instances I have but there’s a difference between friendliness and a close friendship 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, one of my best friends' is a former co-worker.

The rest I still keep in touch with from time to time.

 

[stillafool]

I've made some great friends through work and we've kept in touch for years.  

[Prudence V]

Depends where you work, and the interactions it fosters, I guess. I’ve worked most of my life at universities, and made some pretty great friends there. We’re still in contact scattered across the globe, and meet up in person when that’s possible. 
 

But a workplace as you describe is more like Picadilly Circus, with plenty of coming and going and very little sense of permanence, it’s inevitable that most connections will be transient. 

[5x5]

I'm still friends with a number of my former work colleagues, who I still keep in touch with and that includes some people who have been my boss or I have been theirs. And some of those friends are my closest friends. My wife has also had the same experience, and she used to be a work colleague of mine as well.

So it all depends upon the people involved and how much you get on.