Parents not supportive of adult-child's relationship

[LoveTheSun12]

I'll try to keep this short and easy to read.

I'm a 39F, established, financially secure, and overall successful. Last year, I got out of a marriage that I should have got out of before we even married. Soon after, I reconnected with a friend from highschool. This friend (now boyfriend) has always been crazy about me, and I always had something for him, but this time around, it was much stronger. We've been dating for 9 months now. I love being with him. He treats me the way I've wanted to be treated in all my past relationships.

Now for the hard part. My boyfriend has been part of a self-defense case and all the locals know about it. This happened years ago now. My parents think I can "do better" and "don't want him around". They have never met him. My sister, cousin, and friends have all been supportive, met him, and really like him. They think it'll just take more time for the parents to come around.

Why do I care what my parents think as a successful 39 year old? Because I don't want to compartmentalize my life. The holidays will be here before we know it...and I'm going to have to make a choice of seeing parents or being with someone I really love and cherish. And on top of that, assuming things keep going great, I see myself marrying him.

It's a little easier to talk to my (step)mom than my dad. How do I start working now on getting them to consider at least meeting him once? Do I say what I've told you guys regarding my concern about the holidays and such?

[d0nnivain]

When you say your BF was "part of a self defense case" are you saying he was criminally prosecuted for something & claimed self defense?  What was the outcome of the case? 

If he was convicted your parents probably see him as a criminal & think you can do better.  Your focus needs to be on no one should be judged solely by the worst thing he has ever done.  Emphasize that from his perspective even though it didn't work as a legal defense, your BF in the moment thought he had no choice.  Also remind your parents that this happened long ago with no repeat incidents:  he matured.  

If he was exonerated focus on that.  Also continue with the maturity theme. 

If your family is at all religious / faithful, play up the forgiveness angle.  

[LoveTheSun12]

He was found innocent. My dad thinks his reputation will "ruin my life", but he and stepmom both agree that it was a good call he was innocent. My dad is the type to focus on reputations and "good on paper" (like good jobs and lots of money) in how he determines a person's worth.

I guess I need to just find the courage to bring up the topic more often. It's hard to even bring up because I feel like my dad, especially, wants to just pretend he doesn't exist.

[d0nnivain]

If he was found not guilty then that should be the end of it.  

Only tell your parents good stuff about him.  You be happy & they should be happy for you.  

I dated a guy my parents weren't thrilled about.  I told them to get to know him & to trust my judgment because they are the ones who taught me right from wrong so they needed to give me the benefit of the doubt because I was employing the scale they taught me.   

[ShyViolet]

You are 39 years old, you don't need their approval.  You really don't.  I know you say that you don't want to compartmentalize your life, but the bottom line is that you cannot control other people.  You can't "make" your parents approve of him, and you can't make this one big happy family.  So you will be saving yourself a lot of headaches if you just stop trying.  Stop pushing the issue.  Let your parents know that you are confident and secure in your relationship, you are happy with him, this is your choice, and they can either be supportive of that or not.  You're not asking for their approval and you don't want to hear their unsolicited advice.  

You don't need to choose one or the other for the holidays..... lots of people have a couple of separate holiday celebrations, it's not that hard.  Just see your parents for a nice holiday dinner, and then have a wonderful holiday dinner with your bf separately.

[LoveTheSun12]

Thank you for the responses so far. Yeah, I guess it'll come down to me having to split holidays. I know I can't change people, but I do hold hope for my other family and friends' prediction that my parents will at least come to a point where they say, "We should probably meet this guy."...especially when they see I'm happy in a serious relationship and that they're kinda "left behind" while other family members spend time with me *and* him.

[ShyViolet]

22 minutes ago, LoveTheSun12 said:

 but I do hold hope for my other family and friends' prediction that my parents will at least come to a point where they say, "We should probably meet this guy."...

If you hold out hope or maintain expectations for this, you only open yourself up to disappointment and aggravation.  You shouldn't have any expectations.  Let them know that this is your choice, he is the person you're with, and you hope they will accept him.  After that, it's their choice and their choice alone.  You can't "make" them.  You have to accept reality for what it is and just live your life.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LoveTheSun12 said:

We've been dating for 9 months now. My boyfriend has been part of a self-defense case

Give it time. Try not to force anyone on anyone else. The more you do the more pushback there will be. Your parents have the right to their opinions, likes and dislikes. That's ok.

Just go about your business and whatever you do stop "selling" him to your parents.

What they see is someone on the rebound from a bad marriage, involved for 28 weeks with a childhood sweetheart who has legal problems . Give them time to warm up to the idea . They seem to want to protect you from yourself.

[Lotsgoingon]

Relax. There's no rule that says you have to get your parents' approval and endorsement right now. Relax. Chill.

And keep this in mind: parents often will NOT give us approval to go against their wishes. Lots of parents never do. But if you move forward with confidence and you seem to be doing well, they'll often come around.

For example, you don't say here that your parents won't meet him. You simply say your dad worries about his reputation. OK, so what?! That doesn't your bad will bad him from the house or spit on him if you invite him to a gathering. Doesn't mean that at all. Did dad tell you NOT to invite him to the home? Did step-mom TELL YOU not to invite him to the home?

We adult-kids still have some kid-kid in us, and yes we get scared just at the hint of opposition from parents. 

Wait for a time when it seems convenient and have him meet one or both of the parents. Could be a bigger family gathering where you other relatives are there to run interference if there is trouble.

So question again: did dad and step-mom say they absolutely would not meet him? And would walk out if you brought him? 

Parents not endorsing and action does not equal parents aggressively opposing an action. Parents not endorsing something you do does NOT mean they will renounce you as a child if you do the thing they aren't endorsing. 

 

Edited June 16, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[glows]

You'll just have to make a decision that you feel is best for yourself. I might add that your hesitancy with your parents might be your instincts telling you you're rushing into this romance and may be getting ahead of yourself as you've just left a marriage only last year. Give yourself more time to know this person and cancel all the years prior because you weren't dating him in that period. It's a mistake to believe you know him for longer than this brief period that you've now been dating. 

Every decision you make, you own. If it falls through or doesn't work out you answer to yourself. That's all there is to it. Your family will have their opinions and that's fine.

[LoveTheSun12]

19 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So question again: did dad and step-mom say they absolutely would not meet him? And would walk out if you brought him? 

 

Apologies, I may have not made this clear. But yes, they have specifically said "we don't want him around." As others are advising, I am indeed moving forward and just living my life and enjoying my time with him. I do think there will indeed come a day where dad and stepmom decide, "yeah, we should meet this guy as we're seeing the rest of the family spend time with him and we're seeing she is serious about him."

I do understand they may see me as rushing or "rebounding". But we've talked at extent about my previous marriage and I explained that for the last 3 years of it, I tried to make it work. So when I did decide to leave, I understand that to the outside perspective, it looks sudden. But it was 3 years in the works of me trying to make it work, realizing it wasn't and I had essentially mostly mourned the loss of my marriage already by the time I left. Whether the parents truly understand this or not, I'm not 100% sure, but they definitely seem to when saying things like "I'm so sorry you went through this for years before leaving" and "never feel bad about the marriage, you gave it your all for a long time."

I am not going to get married tomorrow or in the next several months. I'm not rushing. My last relationship took 10 years before he finally married me. I should have never waited so long for a person who clearly doesn't value marriage like I do and that was my lesson to learn. So this time around, if things continue to go great, and he definitely values marriage like I do, then I see us getting married around the 2 or 3 year mark. It is true what GLOWS said that even though we've known each other a long time, it is different when in a relationship. We are definitely learning finer details and quirks about each other and just enjoying the journey.

I do also agree I need to be more confident. For example, when my father asks me what I did during the weekend, I should just tell him matter-of-factly that I spent time with my BF. Instead in the past, I've been avoiding specifics and just keeping my answers vague to avoid any negative reaction from him. But my stepmom even talked to my dad about that saying that if he makes it uncomfortable, I will distance myself. So she definitely has more emotional understanding on not reacting so strongly and the affects it can have.

[stillafool]

It's been my experience that when parents realize they won't see their child until they accept their partner they usually give in and get to know them.  Sometimes you have to make hard choices.

[glows]

1 hour ago, LoveTheSun12 said:

Apologies, I may have not made this clear. But yes, they have specifically said "we don't want him around." As others are advising, I am indeed moving forward and just living my life and enjoying my time with him. I do think there will indeed come a day where dad and stepmom decide, "yeah, we should meet this guy as we're seeing the rest of the family spend time with him and we're seeing she is serious about him."

I do understand they may see me as rushing or "rebounding". But we've talked at extent about my previous marriage and I explained that for the last 3 years of it, I tried to make it work. So when I did decide to leave, I understand that to the outside perspective, it looks sudden. But it was 3 years in the works of me trying to make it work, realizing it wasn't and I had essentially mostly mourned the loss of my marriage already by the time I left. Whether the parents truly understand this or not, I'm not 100% sure, but they definitely seem to when saying things like "I'm so sorry you went through this for years before leaving" and "never feel bad about the marriage, you gave it your all for a long time."

I am not going to get married tomorrow or in the next several months. I'm not rushing. My last relationship took 10 years before he finally married me. I should have never waited so long for a person who clearly doesn't value marriage like I do and that was my lesson to learn. So this time around, if things continue to go great, and he definitely values marriage like I do, then I see us getting married around the 2 or 3 year mark. It is true what GLOWS said that even though we've known each other a long time, it is different when in a relationship. We are definitely learning finer details and quirks about each other and just enjoying the journey.

I do also agree I need to be more confident. For example, when my father asks me what I did during the weekend, I should just tell him matter-of-factly that I spent time with my BF. Instead in the past, I've been avoiding specifics and just keeping my answers vague to avoid any negative reaction from him. But my stepmom even talked to my dad about that saying that if he makes it uncomfortable, I will distance myself. So she definitely has more emotional understanding on not reacting so strongly and the affects it can have.

Your father asking you what you did over the weekend is an invitation to talk about yourself so whether you spent it with your boyfriend or enjoying a blissful day to yourself is him extending the olive branch. That's how I would interpret it. If he seems guarded or slow to accept your new romance remind yourself that's what parents do. On the flip side remain neutral towards any of his comments.

I wonder how your boyfriend is holding up with all this or whether he's expressed any concern about not being accepted by your parents or your father? I'd focus less on your dad and more on your relationship. Feelings of resentment and feeling like an outsider or not accepted overall may mean this isn't something your bf wants to deal with either and that's a choice for him to make also.

[LoveTheSun12]

My BF is positive in it all, and he is hopeful to one day meeting them. He also understands how they feel and even said, "I don't know a good, loving dad who *wouldn't* question their daughter dating someone with my history."

We've talked about it and both hope for dad to come around, but we also both understand our relationship doesn't hinge on dad/stepmom's approval.

I will work on being more forward when dad asks about my weekends. I know times before I've brought up my BF in topic, my dad will respond by a hesitation and then going, "oh your friend, yeah..."

Edited June 17, 2021 by LoveTheSun12

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, LoveTheSun12 said:

He also understands how they feel and even said, "I don't know a good, loving dad who *wouldn't* question their daughter dating someone with my history."

Excellent. He's right. Let them warm up to him in their own way in their own time.

[Lotsgoingon]

They said they don't want him around! Wow!