4 monthes breakup, 3 monthes no contact

[Krystalheart]

Its been 4 monthes since he broke things off with me. I miss him alot and want him back. We are 3 monthes into no contact , and i still find it hard to forget him.

We broke up because we used to fight a lot over little things and it was mostly started by me. Whenever i wanted to talk about anything , he would pull back because he thought i was fighting again, which in turn used to piss me off and create actual fight. This went for like a week before the breakup happened. It was the same issue which i wanted to talk about for 1 week but he said it wasn't something to fight about( ofcourse he talked about them but i wanted a good communication to prevent any further fights). I didn't wanted to fight but he thought it would turn into a fight as usual . This pissed me off again and i said some hurtful things to him like i feel unloved and unimportant. I asked if he thinks i am a burden then tell me , tell me if i should leave this relationship. I asked if its better to breakup? To which he said yes. I asked him if thid is what he wants, he said yes. I cried saying was it so easy for you to let me go, he said you are not going to understand anyways. And we said goodbye. 

The next day i didn't text him, i thought he was just angry and maybe he would come to me to sort things out but he was silent. I waited for 1 day , so the next day i texted him and said sorry for whatever happened. He didn't wanted to talk to me and also he was busy. Still i texted him to atleast talk , he said he was free in the evening . I texted him that i really want things to work between us and its only possible if you want this too. He replied that he clearly cant see things working and that we will never be happy together because maybe we aren't compatible. I begged and pleaded but he didn't change his mind. He said it wasn't my fault at all, it is just that we re not compatible and this breakup is right thing. 

After 2 days i texted him again, he said the same things. Again after 2 days i texted him , he said he feels really good without me , he feels free. And he needs more time to think things through. After a few days i begged him to meet , we met and he said he can't be with me anymore, he said he still loves me but its better for both of us to stay away. 

After 20 days i texted him again but he didn't reply because i was too needy. He said he wants to move on and for that we should not talk. He even blocked me that day but unblocked me after 15 days. 

I am not doing anything from last 3  monthes. No texts , nothing. I just miss him so much and i know there were my faults, i pushed him away. He was good to me until we started fighting again.

( We have had a breakup before this one due to similar issues a month ago) 

 

[d0nnivain]

The fact that you broke up before says this was dysfunctional.   The break up make up cycle is bad.  This was your 2nd chance but it didn't work.  Let it be over

Him not contacting you is a good thing.  You just don't see that right now.  He's saving you from yourself.  

When you finally accept that it is over for good, you will be one step closer to healing.  

[Krystalheart]

The last time he gave it a chance again, he said he would never breakup again and we will sort everything . Idk what made him so distant again , those disagreements were not even major. He just wanted to escape everytime he felt like there was going to be a fight. He loved me so much and he himself used to ask me to never give up on him. And idk these fights made him breakup with me again. He was too good and idk i just want to make things good between us but he doesn't even want to be my friend. He wants me to heal from all this too and then maybe we can reconnect. 

Also from the last breakup , he changed alot. Earlier he used to give me too much time and attention. But this time he would choose other things over me, not everytime but most of the time. He also started gaming and now he plays video games 24/7.  He was my best friend and i miss him so much

 

 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Krystalheart

[ShyViolet]

He couldn't possibly have been more clear that he is done with you.  He isn't even giving you any mixed messages.  He's making this as clear as possible.... he knows that breaking up was the right thing.  So now you have no choice but to accept it.  Stop contacting him.  It will get easier once you stop holding onto fantasies of getting him back.

[Krystalheart]

I also asked him if he would give me chance in future to which he said no. He said love is not enough for a relationship. 

Also the last time we talked he said he now he is free of everything. He doesn't need to tell someone what i am doing, where i am, when i am sleeping, or anything . He said now i can do anything that i want that makes me happy. There is no one to question me everytime and not trust me. He felt like i stop him from doing his things. 

 

[d0nnivain]

You sound young.  

You constantly questioning him, you not trusting him . . . it grates on a person. He got tired & fed up.  He gave you the best of himself but it wasn't enough for you & you broke up the 1st time.  You got back together but he gave less.  You didn't change. 

Now that you are apart he feels relief.  If you ever cared about that give him this freedom. 

As for you, break ups suck.  There is just no way around that.  You have to go through the grieving process.  But you being sad & missing him is not a good reason to get back together.   

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like he was a jerk. Why didn't you want out of the relationship?

Doesn't sound like a relationship worth missing to me. And btw: you don't know why he broke up with you. Most people sugar-coat the reason. An argument is NOT the reason. 

The truth is we do sometimes get attached to dysfunction. But you wanna clean that up. Because you only get into another dysfunctional relationship, whether with this guy or the next partner.

 

Edited June 16, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Krystalheart]

@Lotsgoingon at times even i wanted to break things off , but i always thought it was my fault, everytime. I have a lot of anger issues and he is a calm person. The last time he broke up with me was because he was too hurt by the constant arguements and the hurtful things i said to him. He was always there for me even after all the hurt but then he got too frustrated and broke up. Last time i begged and pleaded to him, it went for like 2 monthes, he finally got back with me because he couldn't do that breakup thing anymore. Even i tried to change myself alot, i was more calmer than before . Earlier i used to fight for silly things but this time i wasn't doing that. But yeah, i started having a lot of anxiety and trust issues after the last breakup. I always feared he would breakup with me and needed a lot of reassurance . But again, this time he changed a lot too, and wasn't same like before. He was less attentive. But this was good for him and us too because we were too dependent on each other before. But this change in him made me feel like he didn't love me like before and i started questioning things. Idk but i feel like i pushed him away. Whenever he would go distant , i would think maybe i forced him to come back. Also after we got back together , he was again too loving with me , he was perfect to be honest. But again, as soon as we started arguing again, he grew distant. Still he didn't wanted to breakup because he told our mutual friends that he want things to workout between us. 

Whatever the thing is, i guess he has moved on. He seems to be happy and thats good for him . I just feel bad that i lost someone who loved me so much. 

I am 20 , he is 19. We were together for 1.5 years. We were each others first.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Krystalheart said:

I am 20 , he is 19

With respect, this was unlikely to be your forever-relationship anyway. You're both very young and most relationships at this age fizzle out, as we're still growing and figuring out who we are and what we want. You can't take promises of "we'll never break up again" seriously when they're coming from a 19-year-old who inherently has next to zero life experience yet. 

In any event, this one is over. He is not coming back, and that's a good thing. This had become too dysfunctional. Work towards acceptance and apply the lessons learned here in your next relationship. 

[d0nnivain]

This relationship was a learning experience.  It was not meant to last forever.  You know this because you too wanted out at different points.  

One of the things you are supposed to learn here is how to control your emotions & how to not pick fights over every little thing.  You also need to learn to trust.  Some of that will come in time. 

[Krystalheart]

@d0nnivainyeah i learnt alot of things. I was impatient everytime and in the time spent apart i found out my mistakes that actually pushed him away. But i still can't forget him, i feel bad for the way things ended because now i am more clear about how i could have handled things differently.  I can't stop thinking about him. Ik i am just 20 , but still i was too serious and so was he. I just wish i could undo things, but maybe its too late . 

Is there anything like i can show him that i have changed? That i am willing to change myself for good. 

[d0nnivain]

No there is nothing you can do to show him you changed.  Actually changing so you don't repeat these mistakes in your next relationship is the best thing.  You may never forget him.  He will always be your 1st.  The important thing is he is not your last.  He is not forever guy so focus on yourself.  Gain strength, insight & maturity.  Move forward.  In time you will be able to think of him fondly without pain.  For now plan a great summer with your friends.  A new guy will come along.  

[Krystalheart]

@d0nnivain  this breaks my heart. I regret things not working out the 2nd time becz of me. He gave me so many chances and i messed up every time. I fear i am gonna feel this way for too long becz its been monthes i am feeling this pain. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So you're young, you got plenty of time to get better at relationships.  Your task is kinda clear: getting ahold of that anger and temper you have. But listen, be careful, sometimes you SHOULD be angry in relationship. 

So I can't really "see" what's going on, because you're blaming yourself for everything. 

The question deeper is, what is the substance of the conflict. You could be right to be unhappy and over-react. In other words, just because you acted inappropriately and lashed out doesn't mean you're wrong about the underlying conflict.

Keep working on yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

If you were bickering and fighting this much it means you are not compatible and don't belong together.

Don't beat yourself up. Just find the right guy.

[Krystalheart]

@Lotsgoingon @Wiseman2 

we were in long distance from the start and first i was really insecure about the things. The fights were always because of the insecurity from my side. He used to understand this and always comforted me. He gave me all his time . As the time went by, he was always too available and wanted to talk every time which pushed me away. I would get angry on him for always waiting for my reply and doing nothing . He always wanted to talk like every hour, this pissed me off but he never forced or fought for anything. Then he started engaging himself in other things , this made me question if he was not interested in me like before becz he was there everytime , wanting and waiting for me to talk. This is when we started fighting alot. He was hurt becz he used to give me so much time and when he finally started doing something , i questioned if he has lost interest. He got fed up and was distant when our first breakup happened. He wanted time and space but i felt bad and i continuously apologised , texted him daily , becz i couldn't understand how he grew so cold when he was so loving everytime and couldn't stand not talking a single day. As days passed, he grew more distant and wanted to breakup. This went for like 2-3 monthes after which he finally started initiating conversation himself. He was again sweet and loving like before and we finally got back together. 

he was again same like before , loving and caring and giving me time . This time ,even i was giving all that i could becz i realised i hurt him . Then we started fighting again , this time i felt like i genuinely wanted to talk and sort things but he wasn't willing to he thought i was again trying to create some drama,i was over reacting. He felt like again we were going to have an argument over a silly thing and he didnt want that. Maybe things in past created such image of mine in his head .

He was way too protective of his feelings this time maybe. He was prioritising himself becz last time he didn't as he always prioritized me (ik its a good thing ofc) . Thats how we broke up the 2nd time , he felt like this wasn't going to work no matter how much we try. He felt like we were not going to understand each other no matter what. I tried convincing him, but nothing happened. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Krystalheart said:

@d0nnivain  this breaks my heart. I regret things not working out the 2nd time becz of me. He gave me so many chances and i messed up every time. I fear i am gonna feel this way for too long becz its been monthes i am feeling this pain. 

You're going to feel the pain for a while until you meet someone new.  You need to get out of the house and socialize with friends, meet new people and enjoy being young.  You'll meet another soon.

[d0nnivain]

24 minutes ago, Krystalheart said:

we were in long distance from the start and first i was really insecure about the things.

The deck was stacked against you from the beginning.  Did you two ever even meet in person?  It's impossible to trust somebody you don't know so of course you were insecure.  Very few young people have the patience or the wisdom to maintain a long distance relationship. 

While you may have contributed to the demise of the relationship it was not all your fault.  You said it yourself, he was to available which caused you to pull away.  You felt smothered.  That is not good.  Talking daily from the start is also bad.  It's too much too fast.  You need to gradually build up to that.  Problem is you got used to it.  As much as you didn't want to be smothered when he pulled back you got nervous & reacted badly.  Instead of being happy he listened & backed off, you worried he was losing interest.  

You can't build a relationship with a device (phone or computer) between you.  You need to be there in person.  Texts are not enough.  You need non-verbal communication.  Without it tone is lost & things blow up.  

Cut yourself a break & spend some time looking locally for your next BF.  It's summer.  have fun!

[Krystalheart]

@d0nnivain we were best friends before. We were in same school when he started liking me. After that we went to different colleges ,when he proposed me . So it was long distance most of the time. Yes me met in person, but very less. Because it was already long distance, and then due to Pandemic. 

Yes i felt too smothered and sometimes i got irritated too but due to pandemic even i got used to talking to him. He used to reply me within seconds , so when he actually started getting a bit busy , i would get more irritated. Maybe i was really toxic becz i was the one who wanted him to do his own things and when he started doing them, i felt avoided. I would get angry. I constantly wanted to feel i was important. 

Also when he broke up last time, he said he fears doing his own thing because he thought i would get angry. Earlier he used to be too nice becz he feared losing me and was too available and i felt smothered. Then he started feeling this way , he felt trapped. Maybe i was too controlling.  We misunderstood each other so much and maybe my anger played a huge role in this. My words hurt him. 

[d0nnivain]

That makes more sense & in a way is more conventional. 

No matter, starting college dating the person back home almost always ends in a break up.  Cut yourself a break.  You made some mistakes.  You learned.  Now you move on.  In 10 years he will be your old HS/college sweetheart & you will be able to think of him fondly without acute pain.  Time has a way of doing that for folks.  

Seriously have a fun summer.  When you go back to campus in the fall, the world will be your oyster.  

Hang in there! 

[Krystalheart]

So i recently got in touch with my ex bf. I texted him a simple msg and got good response. We also played video games together and talked about things . We both met each other and shared each others feelings. I told him i still like him and he said he does too. We both talked about how much we missed each other all this time , how much he wanted to text me but he didn't because he thought it would hurt me. He told me he couldn't move on, and he doesn't want to. He was all good to me . Also he told me he isn't ready for a relationship right now and i was okay with it . We started talking 2 weeks ago , but now he is being distant with me again from last 3-4 days. I don't know if i am overthinking it but he was too good 3-4 days back ,he was talking to me for hours on call . But from last 3-4 days he is being little distant. I asked him if i did something , and became a bit clingy too. Idk if i should continue talking to him. Last night i kind of asked him lot of things and he got irritated too. 

Also i feel like he genuinely cares for me and likes me too because he was feeling the same way all this time like me. He said it is unfair for me to wait for him to get ready for relationship. But the way he confessed everything felt genuine. 

Last night i told him that i am not going to wait for him and i wanted to be friends with him so i contacted him. I told him if he is ever going to be ready then tell me , to which he said okay. I told him that i am not forcing things.  Idk if i did the right thing or not. Maybe i took things too fast? I should have taken things slow? 😢 

He said liking someone is different and being with them is different. I asked him why haven't he moved on to which he said he doesn't want to , and he couldn't all this time because he still feels for me . He said there is no one like me . Idk what he wants if he still feels that much. 

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Krystalheart

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, Krystalheart said:

he told me he isn't ready for a relationship right now and i was okay with it .

* * * 

Last night i told him that i am not going to wait for him and i wanted to be friends with him so i contacted him. I told him if he is ever going to be ready then tell me , to which he said okay. I told him that i am not forcing things.  Idk if i did the right thing or not. Maybe i took things too fast? I should have taken things slow? 😢

You did the wrong thing.  You are lying to yourself.  You think you are OK being friends with him.  You are not.  Despite how dysfunctional your relationship was, as characterized by the break up make up cycle, & all your anger issues, you are still clinging to false hope that this can work.  

When he says he's not ready for a relationship, you have to hear the silent prepositional phrase at the end:  "with you." He knows dating you is bad news for him but he's too young, naïve, & inexperienced to clearly state that so he dances around the subject, talks to you when you call & plays video games with you.  He thinks he is being nice but doesn't realize that it's cruel to be kind.  He needs to make this a clean break.  

Look at it this way . . .you will have a clean slate with no encumbrances when school starts again in a few weeks. I'm sure there are tons of nice guys on campus.  It's time for you to move forward.  Stop clinging to the past.  

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, Krystalheart said:

Also he told me he isn't ready for a relationship right now and i was okay with it .

He told you he isn't ready for a relationship so why try being his friend when you really want more?  You told him you're not going to wait for him so why haven't you moved on instead of trying to start a friendship with your ex?

[Krystalheart]

@d0nnivain but he said that it would be great if we will be together in future. He said he can't see himself moving on nor he can imagine me with someone else. 

[Krystalheart]

@stillafool yeah i told him I can't be just friends with him when i have feelings. He said he can't force himself to get ready until he actually feels like. That's why he said its unfair for you to wait. But then he also says he can't see me with anyone else. Also he says it would be great if we will be together in future. But then he doesn't want to give me false hopes.