I'm at odds with my friends

[Henry_shalom]

I live a solitude lifestyle and i'm somewhat anti-social. And i believe these attributes all stemmed from my childhood upbringing. Back when i was kid, even through my teens, i wasn't given much freedom to interact or play around with my fellow kids, and any attempt to will result to my parents beating the s*** out me. I had a real taste of loneliness as a kid growing up, and over these years i've built a firm relationship with it. I guess you could call us good companions. And so to this day, i pride myself as a loner. I've come to love and depend on it and i get so much fuel and energy from it.

Nonetheless, it wasn't a thriving experience for me as well, because as a kid i was marred by a lot of psychological problems--inferiority complex, low self esteem, no self worth, you name it. My father also wrote some of those scripts for me with the unpleasant things he was saying to me on a regular basis, which i believed. And as a young adult now, i'm glad i've worked through some of those problems, while still battling with a few grey areas and chief amongst them is socialisation.

My idea of socialization is hitting the cimema to catch a blockbuster or going to a pub by myself or with a friend, and batting around some ideas. And being raised by conservative parents i never indulged in drugs, clubbing or alcohol, although I tried alcohol once or twice and stopped (not my kinda thing). And in my culture, if you don't take alcohol or smoke, party, you'd be socially alienated. You'd essentially become a pariah. You'd be reprimanded and called all sorts of nasty names, and lately i've been on the receiving end of these name calling, most especially from my close friends. And i firmly believe that people should exercise their right to live their lives on their own terms, without being told what to do.

So last Sunday, i hosted a little get together, and invited six of my close friends, two of them i grew up with. For full disclosure, the whole event turned sour. I got into a heated exchange with an old friend whom i've known to be opinionated, and also recently one of my managers at my place of work. I offered him his favourite brand of beer he and sort of flew off handle and brought up the alcohol thing. He blatantly turned my offer down and made some derogatory remarks about me not measuring up to his standards. He also made a reference to the past, one i wasn't even sure how it's related to our differences. That was what got me enraged. He talked about when his younger brother had died and i didn't show up for the wake keep on the funerals eve with my fellow colleagues, where they partied and had fun. Meanwhile i attended the funeral, and i felt he didn't even observe my presence at the funeral for making such a statement. I was deeply gutted by that. Some of them called me an extremist, other labelled me self-centred, which got me wondering. Whenever these guys need a favour, finance, advice and whatnot, i'm always the one they come to. In fact that's when i exist in their world. But when it comes to something that will benefit me, i become nonexistent. Long story short; they all abruptly left except one who stayed behind.

Don't get me wrong, these are good people and a good chunk of what they said that day, i took as good feedback, especially the point of my need to loosen up a bit. But when the people i call close friends are not willing to let me grow and evolve on my own, and just be myself, it makes want to cut them all loose...for real.

What are your thoughts?

 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Henry_shalom

[Wiseman2]

Let the dust settle. It's still too fresh. In a while, few weeks whatever, just carry on and forget the whole thing. Friends get in heated discussions all the time.