Married for nearly 3 decades now I want out

[Hurt13]

So yes we have been married for nearly 3 decades. We have 3 adult children together all of which still live at home. We have quite an asset base and have a lot of nice material possessions.

Our marriage in the early days must have been ok. We were both young and must have been in love. I think being married young is possibly a part of my issues in life. During the kids being born I guess we had an interest in life that kept us happy and united. It wasn't without its issues but there was nothing to suggest that we seperate.

Not long after the children were born we were having issues. We couldn't get along. She was very wrapped up in the kids and devoted her stay at home life to the kids.

So after about 14 years into our marriage I have to admit I was looking to get out and due to circumstances in my hobby outside of my married life I came across another female who very much wanted me and I needed up leaving my wife and starting a life with the other woman. I am ashamed to admit there was a small amount of overlap in the relationships so yes I was unfaithful while still married. I know its not justification because there is no justification for being unfaithful but in my eyes I was trying to get out and the marriage was over...the new girl just helped that to happen.

So I had a 4 years relationship with the new girl. She was perfect for me in every way. OMG I was so happy and finally felt awesome in life. She showed me what a proper loving relationship is all about. However sadly she had some mental health issues. We both tried desperately to overcome these and to try and work with them but in the end they got so bad I had to remove myself from the greatest relationship this man could ever ask for. 

But during this period I also had this burning guilt that perhaps my wife had never deserved the person I was to her and the 'new me' that had finally found out what a loving relationship was all about had also learnt how much it was about me or my contribution to it that made a relationship great. So I approached my ex wife (she had never moved on during the 4 year separation and we remained amicable for the sake of the kids) and asked her if she would be interested in working it out. I told her all about my guilt and remorse for what I had done and promised her I was changed and none of that would happen again. So she took me back. In hindsight I was very emotional from having to leave what I considered the perfect woman (mental health issue aside) and probably should have allowed myself more time to get over that before approaching my ex wife. But it felt right at the time.

So we got back together. We both communicated well with each other in what we both wanted and needed in life and what was going wrong in our marriage in the past. She was great. She understood and to my surprise even took a part of the responsibility for the issues we were having. 

This were great for a year or so but eventually all the issues that pulled us apart in the past were all still there and seemingly nothing had changed. It was even more terrible this time around because I had a clear idea of how I was contributing to the relationship. I would go above and beyond to be the perfect husband even though she wasn't offering anything in return. Id still show love to her, tell her how beautiful she was, I cooked, cleaned etc and in my eyes I was being the perfect partner. But she simply wasn't offering anything in return.

We would talk about it, argue about it and then things would be 'ok' for a month or two but always just go back to this one sided relationship. It has been breaking my heart. All I wanted was for us to find happiness together and stay together for life. Ive told her my feelings, I have even tried telling her that it is going to end up in separation again if it remains the same but all she even does is tell me I will never be happy and I am too demanding and unrealistic etc. But all I want is to be loved by someone I love. I need affection and companionship. I get none of it. There is no love from her, she talks down to me, she doesn't respect me, there is no sex it is horrible. She says she is happy and content in life but I just can't see how she could be. 

So this has been going on for several years and I am now at a point where I do not see it changing. I have tried to have a 'reset' lets start again and love each several times over but it never works. It is so one sided I am gobsmacked that she doesn't seem to care.

I want out. Well I dont want out. I want her to be my loving partner but I now know that she just can't do it. I think it may be a personality thing or something but she isn't capable of loving how I want to love or even capable of being nice to me for long periods of time.

I told her I want out and I told her why but all she said was I am having a midlife crisis, accused me of having an affair, blamed me for everything etc. Not once does she accept any part in this. She is perfect and this is all my fault type of thing. It is a very difficult situation to be in. I dont want to hurt her (even though she has been hurting me for years) and I certainly do not want to hurt the kids but I see no other option but to leave and try my luck for love again in the wide world.

I have hobbies outside of my marriage where I interact with lots of woman and they are nicer to me than my wife. They make me feel good about myself in general conversation. They all seem like far better possibilities in life in regards to a relationship than the one I am in. Yes I know, of course they do because I do not really know the people etc but I am just saying it so you all know how I am made to feel at home and how outside influences can make you realize how bad things are at home.

Do I give up and hurt her and my kids or do I keep trying to get her to be the partner I need in life?? We can't really afford counciling and I am not even certain there are decent services available in our area but I wouldn't rule it out. I just feel it would help for the short term but she just isn't capable of being what I need in life. Am I being selfish? Please help I am torn. What is the best way forward? 

 

[FMW]

If you've repeatedly told her how you feel and nothing changes, sadly I think this is just what your relationship is.  You can't change each other into people you are not.

It didn't last the first time around, it's  not unusual it's not working now.

She may not be thrilled with your relationship, but might just be content to keep things status quo for comfort and convenience.  She may not be too bothered about the lack of romance, sex, and type of caring you feel is missing.  Or at least is willing to sacrifice it to stay in a comfortable position.

You aren't happy and want the opportunity to try and find more.  I don't think that's selfish.  But you do need to be sure you're prepared for what a second divorce will bring and make sure you're truly ready to move on.  You don't seem ready to let go yet, so more contemplation is needed.

Long marriages sometimes end in divorce.  Don't  let the number of years together keep you stuck if it's  not working.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Hurt13 said:

I have hobbies outside of my marriage where I interact with lots of woman and they are nicer to me than my wife.

So your plan is to be a serial cheater because it's cheaper than divorce?

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, Hurt13 said:

Do I give up and hurt her and my kids or do I keep trying to get her to be the partner I need in life??

Going by the timeline you set forth at the beginning of this thread, you're probably >55 years old.

Everyone is going to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more upset at the discovery of an affair than they would be if you weren't involved with anyone and you started divorce proceedings. You don't sound like you're skint, so yeah, wrap your head around the fact that legally, she gets her half for 30+ years. Yes, the adult kids will be mad at you. That's a given, but perhaps they have had to witness your disgust for your wife and marriage and they will be thankful you finally ended things. However, not providing fairly for their mother is what will cause the irrevocable rift between you and them. 

At this point in your life, is this how you want to live it out?

[Hurt13]

15 hours ago, FMW said:

If you've repeatedly told her how you feel and nothing changes, sadly I think this is just what your relationship is.  You can't change each other into people you are not.

It didn't last the first time around, it's  not unusual it's not working now.

She may not be thrilled with your relationship, but might just be content to keep things status quo for comfort and convenience.  She may not be too bothered about the lack of romance, sex, and type of caring you feel is missing.  Or at least is willing to sacrifice it to stay in a comfortable position.

You aren't happy and want the opportunity to try and find more.  I don't think that's selfish.  But you do need to be sure you're prepared for what a second divorce will bring and make sure you're truly ready to move on.  You don't seem ready to let go yet, so more contemplation is needed.

Long marriages sometimes end in divorce.  Don't  let the number of years together keep you stuck if it's  not working.

Thanks very much for the reply. 
You are correct I do not want to let go, I want a normal loving marriage.

But I just feel that the merry go round is about to throw me off. I can not make her be and do things she doesn’t want.

[Hurt13]

3 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Going by the timeline you set forth at the beginning of this thread, you're probably >55 years old.

Everyone is going to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more upset at the discovery of an affair than they would be if you weren't involved with anyone and you started divorce proceedings. You don't sound like you're skint, so yeah, wrap your head around the fact that legally, she gets her half for 30+ years. Yes, the adult kids will be mad at you. That's a given, but perhaps they have had to witness your disgust for your wife and marriage and they will be thankful you finally ended things. However, not providing fairly for their mother is what will cause the irrevocable rift between you and them. 

At this point in your life, is this how you want to live it out?

Thanks. I am 50. We try not to argue around the kids but I am sure they see that things are not really loving like they should be. It’s been amicable. 
yes I am prepared to walk away and lose it all if it means finding happiness which I know is not a sure thing. 
I would never walk away and leave her and the kids destitute I’d look after them as best as I could. If I leave it’s all about the kids for me.

Certainly no affairs. I will not go down that track again. I only mentioned the other women to point out that they are far nicer to be around than my wife. I’m not trying to be in a relationship with them!

Thanks for your reply. 

[Hurt13]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

So your plan is to be a serial cheater because it's cheaper than divorce?

I am unsure where I suggested that was a plan. But no I am contemplating a clean break and if I do I think I need to spend sometime on my own to find myself. I’ve been in a relationship most of my life. 
im not sure why you replied but thanks anyway. 

[mark clemson]

There's no "right" or easy answer here, and so no one's advice can provide one. There is only choosing between two difficult options. While your attempt at reconciliation with your wife was no doubt well-intentioned, with 20/20 hindsight it was probably a mistake and/or you should have left again years ago.

Keep in mind that affairs tend to be "exciting" and so your perfect partner from before may have become less so "once the shine wore off" in a regular relationship. That said I think your options boil down to staying with a "safe" partner who, while I suspect she probably does love you in her own way, you realize will never fully meet your needs vs. taking the chance/risk of leaving and looking for someone better, along with all the other hits divorce will entail. Not an easy choice.

[Poutrew]

Have you ever stopped to wonder why the woman you left your wife for, the woman who completed you, the most perfect woman in the world for you, was also a woman who had insurmountable mental problems?  You need to examine the dark side of your own soul, friend, to find the answers that you need - not bury yourself in the arms of another 'perfect' woman... but if you do, at least release your wife completely so she can find some warmth in her life as well. With half the marital assets in her bank account after the divorce, perhaps she too, can find that 'perfect man'. At the least, she will have another man to keep her busy, and you away from her when you eventually crash and burn and come back to her...

[introverted1]

On 6/15/2021 at 9:27 PM, Hurt13 said:

We have quite an asset base and have a lot of nice material possessions.

<snip>

I have hobbies outside of my marriage

<snip>

We can't really afford counciling and I am not even certain there are decent services available in our area but I wouldn't rule it out.

If you are actually serious about trying to fix the marriage and recognize that just because you have declared yourself a "perfect husband" your wife may not see it that way, counseling is your best choice. Sell some stuff or give up some hobbies if you truly can't afford it otherwise.

[spiritedaway2003]

There is no right or wrong answers here.  It's a very personal decision.

You were wrong to cheat on your wife, but you already owned up to it.  The divorce happened and you were both free to move along in your lives.  Then years passed and you both decided to give it a shot only to find that it isn't working this time around.  Some thoughts: 

If you did all you can, then it isn't all your fault.  A relationship is always a 2-way street.  She also took you back.  She had agency in that decision, so she knows the risks as well.

In life, there will be those who you aren't always compatible with.  It's like attraction.  It's either there or it isn't.  You can't force a square peg into a round hole. Sometimes no amount of "trying to work through it" will be enough. Sometimes some people are better suited as friends or co-parents than as a couple.  That said, when you make a commitment to a marriage or re-commitment, you ought to give it all you've got.   If you're not getting the affection and companionship, then you're basically in a roommate situation.  Based on your description, "There is no love from her, she talks down to me, she doesn't respect me, there is no sex it is horrible."  -- this is worse than a roommate situation.   You can't make her to be someone she's not, and vice versa.

So you have a choice to make.  Leaving in the first place and then coming back and now possibly leaving again is very damaging to your wife and kids.  Yes, you need to do what's right for you, but understand the impact you have on others.  If you plan to leave again, don't expect that there will be any third chances.  In other words, be sure of your decision if that is your decision.

Lastly, if you truly want to make it work, find a way to get some counseling together.  Counseling is still cheaper than a divorce.   If you truly want to make it work, then start saving for a counseling sessions, explore those options, cut back on hobbies, work an extra job.  "Can't afford counseling" isn't a reason enough to say that you've tried everything. If in your heart, you've already thrown in the towels, then don't waste time.   But if you think the relationship can be salvaged, then what's the harm in counseling?  At least then you know you both put in all you've got this time and there would be no regrets.   

My advice:  Get some counseling.  I don't think you need couples counseling at this point, but I can see how you could benefit from some individual counseling first.  Talk out the issues that bothers you most.  Ask yourself if you're uncomfortable being alone?   Find out why you need to monkeybranch (You moved onto AP when your marriage wasn't working the first time around, and once that relationship ends, you moved back to your ex).  Are you afraid of being alone?  (Not a question I'm asking you, but things you can talk through with your therapist).

Good luck.

Edited June 18, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Wiseman2]

On 6/16/2021 at 6:54 PM, Hurt13 said:

Thanks. I am 50.

Sounds like a marriage of convenience. When are the adult kids moving out? 

[kendahke]

On 6/16/2021 at 6:57 PM, Hurt13 said:

I am unsure where I suggested that was a plan. But no I am contemplating a clean break and if I do I think I need to spend sometime on my own to find myself. I’ve been in a relationship most of my life.

I think this is the wisest course of action for you.  You really need some time on your own to reel your 'self' back in to you. 

Thing is: women (and men) can seem nice when you're not living with them day in and day out for 30 years and the stresses of marriage. Don't let the shiny stuff fool you.

[AthaGreat]

Sorry but life is short, you are 50 don't you want that happiness you have yearned for? Or at least try to find it? She will not be the one you want sir, there just is no changing her. Be satisfied that you tried. Write a letter to her and each one of your kids explaining how you feel and have felt, or tell them face to face, maybe they will understand. I refuse to have you spending each day in misery😭. See you on the other side.

[Lotsgoingon]

Question: as neutrally as you can, what is your wife saying? Saying about you? About the marriage?

She must be criticizing you as she maintains her distance. What is she saying? Hearing some of her words would help with figuring out what's going on.