Why does a close friend claim friendship but treats you totally different then any friend you have ever had?

[Maggie 1124]

I have a friend of about a yr and a half who is like family. We do everything together, literally everything. He went to my mom's house with me for Christmas last yr that's how close. He claims he sees me as a sister however he treats me like a girlfriend without the romance. We hang out a lot, go to dinner, usually trying to watch movies but talk all the way through. I think we have made it through 2 movies yet have tried 100. Every morning I get a wake up joke, funny song and we'll wishes for the day and we will literally text all day until one of us fall asleep. He always initiates calls texts or hang outs more so then I do. He calls our dinners, dates. Tells me he loves me constantly and he would die for me. Then one day he started flirting more. I was noticing he was doing to me what he has told me he has done to girls he is trying to get to know and attract them. He was talking with a girl they were trying to date it was a little rocky but he really liked her however you should've seen the difference in our birthday presents. He went all out for me and it was a day of buying me gifts then an expensive dinner he paid for. He got her a cheap gift which he ended up not giving her it didn't work out. If a guy ever makes me uncomfortable he is ready to go knock on his door and remind them I am a women and he needs to stop and respect me or they will have to deal with him. We took a 4 day trip not to long ago he now wants that to be a normal thing. All of this has me now questioning my feelings for him. I know he loves me and truly loves me for me and wants what is best for me but why all the extra stuff? I have had close guy friends in my life but never like this. I feel like I am dating him but yet I'm family. I don't want to lose the friendship because it truly is a great one and I enjoy every time we hang out, we laugh like kids and we joke and just enjoy the moment but I'm worried about this that I'm feeling and if it's feelings I can't torture myself and be this big a part of his life. What is going on?

[dramafreezone]

He's a guy that did what most of us have done at some point, he's using the friendship route to get to romance.

If you like him too, proceed to progressing things towards romance.  If not, maybe stop this before it ends badly.

If you don't feel the same way, you will lose the friendship eventually anyway.  Either you or he will get a significant other, married and then grow apart.

Edited June 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ShyViolet]

If he actually wanted to be with you romantically, then I'm surprised he hasn't made a move on you or tried to kiss you at all, NOTHING, in a year and a half.  Wouldn't something have happened by now?

[d0nnivain]

I honestly don't know what he's doing.  Talk about mixed messages.  

If you are honestly OK with this limbo, carry on.  But if you want to explore the possibility of a romance (& it sounds like you do), pick your moment to have a face to face discussion.  Location is important here.  You absolutely cannot do this over text.  

Anyway, either next time you are alone & the setting is even quasi-romantic ask if he's ever thought about whether you two could be more?  Be vague.  Give him some wiggle room to let you down gently & preserve the friendship.  If he's interest, he should pick up the hint & admit to a growing attraction.  Similarly next time he uses the line about you being his sister, play off that & ask if he's ever had any other thoughts about you.  I have an edgy sense of humor & might make a pointed joke about being open to "incest" with him, "your brother."  N.B.  You really need good comic timing for that or it will bomb.   But you get my point . . . you want to nudge the conversation, the man, & the relationship in a new direction without making it impossible to continue the friendship.   

Hope it turns out.  

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If he actually wanted to be with you romantically, then I'm surprised he hasn't made a move on you or tried to kiss you at all, NOTHING, in a year and a half.  Wouldn't something have happened by now?

The fault in this logic is thinking that a guy will always be upfront with his intentions.  Some guys can't bring themselves to put themselves out there like that.  All of the evidence that he has romantic feelings for her is there though, aside from making a move.

Edited June 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

[MeadowFlower]

9 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

He's a guy that did what most of us have done at some point, he's using the friendship route to get to romance.

Do guys do this? Aren't some guys just friendly? 

[glows]

He thinks well of you and he's too intimidated to ask you out. Is this a conservative culture?

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Maggie 1124 said:

. He claims he sees me as a sister 

The longer you stay this over-attached to someone who's not attracted to you, the longer you will be confused.

You need to start talking to and dating men. It's fine to be friends, but both of you are too involved.

If he were interested, you would have known a long time ago.

You're doing yourself a disservice with this. Hanging out this much with him males you undatable.

Edited June 17, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Maggie 1124]

20 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If he actually wanted to be with you romantically, then I'm surprised he hasn't made a move on you or tried to kiss you at all, NOTHING, in a year and a half.  Wouldn't something have happened by now?

I have thought so to but I never questioned anything up until now either. We were friends just good ones, he's been dating I've been dating but I wondered one night he called and we talked for about 10 mins and we were about to hang up and I said wait what did u call for? His response "Nothing I just wanted to hear ur voice and I have now so I'm good", that was when my mind wondered. He has taken a hiatus from dating and said he wasn't really into dating these girls he would rather spend his time with someone who makes him happy which was me.

[Maggie 1124]

19 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I honestly don't know what he's doing.  Talk about mixed messages.  

If you are honestly OK with this limbo, carry on.  But if you want to explore the possibility of a romance (& it sounds like you do), pick your moment to have a face to face discussion.  Location is important here.  You absolutely cannot do this over text.  

Anyway, either next time you are alone & the setting is even quasi-romantic ask if he's ever thought about whether you two could be more?  Be vague.  Give him some wiggle room to let you down gently & preserve the friendship.  If he's interest, he should pick up the hint & admit to a growing attraction.  Similarly next time he uses the line about you being his sister, play off that & ask if he's ever had any other thoughts about you.  I have an edgy sense of humor & might make a pointed joke about being open to "incest" with him, "your brother."  N.B.  You really need good comic timing for that or it will bomb.   But you get my point . . . you want to nudge the conversation, the man, & the relationship in a new direction without making it impossible to continue the friendship.   

Hope it turns out.  

We have that humor together as well and he already brought up the incest joke. He has made comments after he flirts that "oh maybe there is something there" in like a perverted jokingly way. It's all confusing.

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever picked up the joke & let it be known that you are open to exploring the possibility of a romance with him?  If not, then it's not confusing at all.  He is signaling that he wants more, but he's hedging his bets & calling it "friendship" because he's scared you will reject him.  From his perspective you have never indicated that you want more.  So open your mouth & speak up.  Tell him what you want. 

[Maggie 1124]

35 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Have you ever picked up the joke & let it be known that you are open to exploring the possibility of a romance with him?  If not, then it's not confusing at all.  He is signaling that he wants more, but he's hedging his bets & calling it "friendship" because he's scared you will reject him.  From his perspective you have never indicated that you want more.  So open your mouth & speak up.  Tell him what you want. 

No I haven't continued the conversation I laugh because I've never known how to respond. We have talked and I've expressed some worry about how close we r and that I feel like I am dating him. He has made the comments before about dating and he said the reason he has kept me a friend is because he doesn't believe relationships last forever. He don't feel that's possible now days and in order to keep me in his life forever and so he can love me forever is to just have what he calls a very beautiful close and loving friendship. He said and I quote "what we date and find out we were better as friends and now I've lost all of you because we wouldn't come back from that to where we are now and I can't lose you. Im single your single and we enjoy each other. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time with you or passing up opportunities because you make me happier then any one I've been talking to this last year." Totally why I'm confused. I see where he is coming from completely. I would hate losing that loving friendship but does that mean we both have underlying feelings that either of us really realized or know what to do with?

[d0nnivain]

He's a commitment phobe.  As long as you are fake dating him, when do you think you will have the time to find somebody to really date?  

If you are good as friends only, fine.  If you want more you will need to push him to try or walk away.  

[glows]

2 hours ago, Maggie 1124 said:

No I haven't continued the conversation I laugh because I've never known how to respond. We have talked and I've expressed some worry about how close we r and that I feel like I am dating him. He has made the comments before about dating and he said the reason he has kept me a friend is because he doesn't believe relationships last forever. He don't feel that's possible now days and in order to keep me in his life forever and so he can love me forever is to just have what he calls a very beautiful close and loving friendship. He said and I quote "what we date and find out we were better as friends and now I've lost all of you because we wouldn't come back from that to where we are now and I can't lose you. Im single your single and we enjoy each other. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time with you or passing up opportunities because you make me happier then any one I've been talking to this last year." Totally why I'm confused. I see where he is coming from completely. I would hate losing that loving friendship but does that mean we both have underlying feelings that either of us really realized or know what to do with?

This is very defeatist and insecure, don't you think? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Maggie 1124 said:

 I would hate losing that loving friendship.

You don't have to lose the friendship, but as long as you won't allow room for men who are attracted to you and want to date you, you'll stay stuck in the quasi-incestuous situationship.

 "I see you as a brother/sister" is a very bright neon sign .